- Joined
- Dec 26, 2019
I took a nice nap, got a big order of outlaw and black buffalo dip and saw that girl who looks like Natalie Roush again. Today is good
How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check
- Thread starter Milk Mage
- Start date
- Joined
- May 26, 2020
Woke up from a frankly surreal dream that unsettled me profoundly. Half an hour of reading has failed to provoke somnolence, so I guess I'm up for the day. 
Santiagothrumachifacku
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2020
Feeling great can't lie. It's always good to make the most of your situations, especially the bad ones.
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2019
My family and I have been living together again since August, and honestly, as much as it would have hurt financially to stay in Texas and try to bang it out with no job prospects and no place to live, this is unbearable.
Yes, I have a meal whenever I want it, but all that happens at the dinner table is arguments and fights. Yes, I have a bed to sleep in, but I'm awakened in the middle of the night by nightmares of what used to happen in this household and an old woman who can't let the day's issues go to rest without having one last word. Yes, I have a 'family' that 'loves me', but I'm a 23 year old man and I should have enough of a backbone to fight back when a 65-year old plant worker tries to take a swipe at me over an election dispute or when a 60 year old woman goes into vivid detail about how much of a disappointment I would have been to my mother.
I don't have anywhere else to go. I got a department transfer at my job but I'm not eligible for location transfer yet, and I don't have the money or means to survive on a job with this low of an income on my own. I don't have any friends' couches I can crash on, the rest of my family sees me as the alcohol-addicted black sheep I was back in college, and the only social connections I have are a couple of people I met through the net.
I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on my shoulders even though I know that there are plenty of people who have it far worse. It's the same unbearable feeling of being unable to escape that I've felt for the past 14 years of my life, this feeling that no matter what I do, what I say, what I attempt, I'l never be able to rise above what brought me here. I feel destined to fail, and it hurts. Religion, once my only comfort, feels empty and powerless- no matter how much I've tried to trust in God's plan, it's been completely obscured to me. All I get are temporary victories that quickly become setbacks in their own right.
My emotions are in freefall. I have manic highs where I feel as if everything is okay, and then I hit rock bottom and I can't look at anything sharp without having some violently intrusive thoughts. The lows always last the longest, and they come the most often, and they drive people away from me so that there's no one left when the high comes around, and that just kills the buzz that much faster.
If I could just sit at a computer desk from 9 to 5 doing mindless, soul-crushing NPC work, come home to an empty home, and try to spend a little bit of time with the woman I love and the few friends I have left, that would be enough. I'm not asking for much, I don't think. Even mediocrity would be acceptable to me now.
Yes, I have a meal whenever I want it, but all that happens at the dinner table is arguments and fights. Yes, I have a bed to sleep in, but I'm awakened in the middle of the night by nightmares of what used to happen in this household and an old woman who can't let the day's issues go to rest without having one last word. Yes, I have a 'family' that 'loves me', but I'm a 23 year old man and I should have enough of a backbone to fight back when a 65-year old plant worker tries to take a swipe at me over an election dispute or when a 60 year old woman goes into vivid detail about how much of a disappointment I would have been to my mother.
I don't have anywhere else to go. I got a department transfer at my job but I'm not eligible for location transfer yet, and I don't have the money or means to survive on a job with this low of an income on my own. I don't have any friends' couches I can crash on, the rest of my family sees me as the alcohol-addicted black sheep I was back in college, and the only social connections I have are a couple of people I met through the net.
I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on my shoulders even though I know that there are plenty of people who have it far worse. It's the same unbearable feeling of being unable to escape that I've felt for the past 14 years of my life, this feeling that no matter what I do, what I say, what I attempt, I'l never be able to rise above what brought me here. I feel destined to fail, and it hurts. Religion, once my only comfort, feels empty and powerless- no matter how much I've tried to trust in God's plan, it's been completely obscured to me. All I get are temporary victories that quickly become setbacks in their own right.
My emotions are in freefall. I have manic highs where I feel as if everything is okay, and then I hit rock bottom and I can't look at anything sharp without having some violently intrusive thoughts. The lows always last the longest, and they come the most often, and they drive people away from me so that there's no one left when the high comes around, and that just kills the buzz that much faster.
If I could just sit at a computer desk from 9 to 5 doing mindless, soul-crushing NPC work, come home to an empty home, and try to spend a little bit of time with the woman I love and the few friends I have left, that would be enough. I'm not asking for much, I don't think. Even mediocrity would be acceptable to me now.
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2019
Worked on a chore I thought would take a long time but it was quick and satisfying. A nice bit of exposure therapy. Feeling accomplished!
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2019
I pooped and I don't feel like I got it all out so now I'm lying in bed a while :/
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2016
A lot of shit's been piling up.
My favorite old-school hardware store was driven out of business by the lockdowns. They were the place I could go to find the most obscure tools, hardware, and supplies, all crammed into a maze of narrow aisles, and the people who worked there knew exactly what they had in stock and where to find it--there was no computerized inventory, and if something didn't have a price sticker on it they'd take a reasonable offer. I was in there at least once a month for the last 18 years, and knew everybody who owned the place and worked there. They were the anti-Home Depot, and losing them was a much harder blow than I imagined it would be.
I've lost two cats in as many months--the old lady had cancer, and the old but still vigorous guy got hit by a car; he died just as I pulled into the emergency vet's lot. At least he didn't die alone in the street, and he knew I was there with him, but that one fucking wrecked me. And to top it off, a third cat now has kidney failure advanced enough to require sub-q fluids a couple of times a week, which means he's got maybe another year to live.
In the last two months, I've had to chase off homeless people either trying to set up camp on my property, or sleep on my porch, or enter my yard, as well as one probably-homeless junkie who was trying to shoot up on my outside basement stairs. Shit like this has been rare--only two prior incidents in the 18 years I've lived here. I'm a hardass and totally capable of dealing with it, but I don't fucking want to. I just want to live my quiet life without shuffling zombies getting in my fucking space and acting all offended, and like I'm the unreasonable one, when I tell them to gtfo.
And then there's the election. The presidential shitshow bugs me, but has a lot less direct impact than a bunch of absolutely idiotic local results that guarantee this ultra-lefty city is going to end up a shithole in the name of progressivist ideals. I actually love this city, and when I moved into my house I planned to get old and die here, but all signs are saying it's time to bug out for the hinterlands before it's too late.
On top of that, I haven't seen any of my family in over a year now. My mom's not getting any younger (she turned 80 this year, and I wasn't able to be there for it). My nieces and nephews are growing up fast. I miss my siblings, and even my annoying brother-in-law. I wanted to go back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year, but it's not going to happen, and the soonest I will see any of them will be next April.
I'm generally good at remaining optimistic when shit's hitting the fan, but the cumulative effects of the lockdown--and especially events of the last two months--have left me fucking world-weary. I can deal with all kinds of godawful shit as long as I know when it's going to end and can count down toward that, but there's no end in sight for some of this crap.
My favorite old-school hardware store was driven out of business by the lockdowns. They were the place I could go to find the most obscure tools, hardware, and supplies, all crammed into a maze of narrow aisles, and the people who worked there knew exactly what they had in stock and where to find it--there was no computerized inventory, and if something didn't have a price sticker on it they'd take a reasonable offer. I was in there at least once a month for the last 18 years, and knew everybody who owned the place and worked there. They were the anti-Home Depot, and losing them was a much harder blow than I imagined it would be.
I've lost two cats in as many months--the old lady had cancer, and the old but still vigorous guy got hit by a car; he died just as I pulled into the emergency vet's lot. At least he didn't die alone in the street, and he knew I was there with him, but that one fucking wrecked me. And to top it off, a third cat now has kidney failure advanced enough to require sub-q fluids a couple of times a week, which means he's got maybe another year to live.
In the last two months, I've had to chase off homeless people either trying to set up camp on my property, or sleep on my porch, or enter my yard, as well as one probably-homeless junkie who was trying to shoot up on my outside basement stairs. Shit like this has been rare--only two prior incidents in the 18 years I've lived here. I'm a hardass and totally capable of dealing with it, but I don't fucking want to. I just want to live my quiet life without shuffling zombies getting in my fucking space and acting all offended, and like I'm the unreasonable one, when I tell them to gtfo.
And then there's the election. The presidential shitshow bugs me, but has a lot less direct impact than a bunch of absolutely idiotic local results that guarantee this ultra-lefty city is going to end up a shithole in the name of progressivist ideals. I actually love this city, and when I moved into my house I planned to get old and die here, but all signs are saying it's time to bug out for the hinterlands before it's too late.
On top of that, I haven't seen any of my family in over a year now. My mom's not getting any younger (she turned 80 this year, and I wasn't able to be there for it). My nieces and nephews are growing up fast. I miss my siblings, and even my annoying brother-in-law. I wanted to go back to my hometown for Thanksgiving this year, but it's not going to happen, and the soonest I will see any of them will be next April.
I'm generally good at remaining optimistic when shit's hitting the fan, but the cumulative effects of the lockdown--and especially events of the last two months--have left me fucking world-weary. I can deal with all kinds of godawful shit as long as I know when it's going to end and can count down toward that, but there's no end in sight for some of this crap.
Work was a fucking slog this Thursday, but thankfully I got Friday off because I had an eye exam.
In general, the election and the resulting online fallout have made me feel depressed and numb, so I've been trying to mitigate that by playing video games, watching nostalgic animated movies and catching up on my anime/manga backlog.
In general, the election and the resulting online fallout have made me feel depressed and numb, so I've been trying to mitigate that by playing video games, watching nostalgic animated movies and catching up on my anime/manga backlog.
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2018
All the election salt going on, me, I'm just Review Bruh.
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
I feel very tired emotionally. A lot of time and energy has gone into trying to be a positive and active presence in my friend groups with the election business looming overhead. I won't powerlevel overmuch on it but its a group that is built around some online hobbies, some tabletop, that kind've thing. A lot of people who I care for have been acting like the very world around them has been caving in, falling into extremely deep despair, and just really starting to flake on anything at all. Had to push to try to help entertain people, to stay active, to encourage. It was tiring for me too as much as them I think.
Now that it's over they all seem to be miraculously better, they're all going out "quarantining" be damned, everything is sherbet and rainbows for them. I'm just here.. tired, exhausted, hoping they'll want to play again when they get back.
I don't know if that was worth all the effort. Maybe I'm just finally having my emotions start to really pour out, I don't know.
Thanks for attending my weird myspace status message talk.
Now that it's over they all seem to be miraculously better, they're all going out "quarantining" be damned, everything is sherbet and rainbows for them. I'm just here.. tired, exhausted, hoping they'll want to play again when they get back.
I don't know if that was worth all the effort. Maybe I'm just finally having my emotions start to really pour out, I don't know.
Thanks for attending my weird myspace status message talk.
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2017
I found $40 on the ground. I managed to reunite it with its owner, who was very gracious and who treated me like I was doing something profoundly gallant. Made me a little uncomfortable, but also feels pretty good.
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2019
Trying to practice for an interview coming up soon. Was told I'd get some sample interview questions, they never materialized. Thankfully I've dealt with this particular company before, I have a rough idea of what they'll probably be asking. Hate panel interviews.
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2020
I'm excited to re-enter the workforce next week. Damn pandemic can't keep me down forever.
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2020
My dog doesn't have cancer! But he does still have a large sore on his eye, and the antibiotics aren't working. So... Mixed bag.
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2019
I'm OK, just tired and today was a long day. I returned home from college and spent a few hours picking up recyclable litter in my neighborhood to take to the recycle bin. My family has started calling me "tree hugger" because I like collecting things to recycle and they also call me "Democrat" because I go to a four year uni. Hahahaha so funny.
It was very windy out and despite getting up to the 70s at noon the temp dropped back down and became slightly chilly in the upper 50s. It is fully fall here so most of the trees are yellow, red, or orange and leaves are everywhere. I am trying to fight against the seasonal depression that's trying to set in, which is made more difficult as the year's and recent events are starting to weigh on me. The last 3 weeks have been a blur.
It was very windy out and despite getting up to the 70s at noon the temp dropped back down and became slightly chilly in the upper 50s. It is fully fall here so most of the trees are yellow, red, or orange and leaves are everywhere. I am trying to fight against the seasonal depression that's trying to set in, which is made more difficult as the year's and recent events are starting to weigh on me. The last 3 weeks have been a blur.
Realized I don't actually feel better about anything, I just feel...numb. I stopped taking Xanax because it's not doing shit, I just don't feel anything anymore.
- Joined
- May 26, 2020
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2017
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2020
I was supposed to go out with a coworker last night (the same one I mentioned a while back), but something came up and she had to cancel.
I was pretty disappointed because she’s pretty awesome and I like hanging out with her. She was pretty disappointed as well.
She gave me a broken wing from an owl figurine during our shift.
ironic.
I was pretty disappointed because she’s pretty awesome and I like hanging out with her. She was pretty disappointed as well.
She gave me a broken wing from an owl figurine during our shift.
ironic.