How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I'm doing normally lately, much better than 2 days ago. My right arm hurt so badly that I am temporarily unable to complete my sketches and drawing on my laptop. When it got worse, I decided to take a full break from drawing and sleep instead.
The thing is, it lasts for 3 day and I can only draw for a short time before turning off my laptop. I would mostly lay down cry in slight pain on my right arm on my living room's hammock before getting back upstair and taking bathes and sleep. At one point I have to stop drawing because sometimes Windows 11 caught a shorttime BSOD. After that BSOD, I have to redraw the file I accidentally forgot to save into a fresher form. I was slightly bored and was sleepy as well. After I completed drawing yesterday, I cam downstairs and cook my own dinner with my recovering arm. It was much better than before.
There are some times that my Huion refuses to work and I have to promptly reinstall its drive before I get back into drawing and lurking through threads thoroughly. Yes, I am a Clip Studio Paint user.
Yesterday I got slightly angry for a long time before I slept earlier than before to soothe my anger issue. Now I'm much calmer, and capable to get back onto my laptop and continue drawing with a slightly better right arm.
 
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I just watched a part of Bo Burnhams special, "Inside", and I fucking loathe it. A bunch of commie gobbledygook from a grifter. Fucking lol. I bet he hates terves as well. I'm not even going to finish it due to how boring it is. Besides that, I feel sweaty and irritable. Fuck this gay ass weather.
 
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My friend's really into this girl, but the problem is that she's way out of his league and he's obsessive. He constantly talks about her to me, he'll do the most random nonsense so she'll pay attention to him, he's even sent her a paragraph confessing his feelings to her on two occasions. She was really cool about letting him down easily both times, which I'm very thankful for, and she even still hangs out with us, but I feel like that's probably done more harm than good.

I'm thinking that I'll tell him women find behavior like his repulsive at best, and incredibly dangerous at worst. He's probably not going to listen to me, but there's not a lot I can do. I don't think he's going to rape her or kill himself, but I guess I shouldn't discount either of those things.
 
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I'm doing swell. The foxes are going to emerge with their kits this spring, so I find it very hard to be angry.
 

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My family doctor died last year and I had to get a new one. I had a blood clot risk and needed referals to a specialist. He was an old time family doctor. No constant tapping away on a laptop, spent time with his patients. He actually used a file and jotted down notes. I had to call around a lot to find anyone willing to take a new patient and my insurance. This new doctor isn't that far from me. If I have to I can walk. But her office is in an alley of a shopping center and it's kind of creepy walking back there. The shopping center is being renovated. But the blood lab next door is dilapidated and temporarily closed. So it kind of looks like something out of Resident Evil right now.

So I waited a month for an appointment and it's a Temple University affiliated office. I didn't know this. This means that she doesn't send me to my preferred hospitals for specialist treatment. This makes travel difficult because I have to take the bus. I live much closer to another hospital that is easier for me to get to with a bus that 20 minutes late half of the time time.

On top of that I'm charged for office visits. My old doctor never charged me. I don't have a lot of money to throw around. I know it's common and I live in America. But I got used to not having to pay for visits. I was also used to getting antibiotics over the phone if I got an infection in my renal system. I have lupus and I have a long history of issues with that.

I'm thinking of switching to the colleague mentioned in the letter sent to me about my doctor's death. But it's a 20 minute bus ride and I don't know if I'm getting a doctor that spends the whole visit on the computer or not.

It's just so corporate now. It's like a machine. Try to find an old fashioned doctor. They're all dead, retired or soon to retire.
 
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I hate this. I. Hate. This. My chest is tight and it hurts. Apparently it's a combination of anxiety and gas. My doctor switched over my meds earlier this month. The new ones were more for depression and less anxiety and oh boy did that ruin me. I've been to the hospital twice in the past week with severe panic attacks. Ekgs? Normal. Blood tests?Normal! And the actual doctor said if it was something serious it would have killed me already. Right now I fucking wish it was that easy. This sucks. I have to take fucking Xanax and I'm scared I'm going to get addicted. It does ease the symptoms, meaning it IS anxiety. Taking it could help me rest tonight but fuck being on possibly addictive shit. I'm scared, ok of this whole thing. I want to feel better. I have a girlfriend! I wanna talk to them again every day and I'm scared I'm going to die in my sleep. Fuck this and fuck you. This is the fucking worst.
 
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Still bumpin’ around. Mr. Fraggle’s grandma passed away at the start of the year and we’ve been cleaning her house out, we found her old wedding dress and the MIL has given me permission to repair/refurbish it so I have a new project to get me through the last couple of months until I become a mama Fraggle.
 
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Felt a bit angry today. Probably due to overthinking and exposing myself to negative stimuli. In the grocery store I work at, there’s a card section labeled “Uplifted and Empowered” which is a bunch of cards about jerking off black people. One said “Taking care of our mental health is a sign of Black Love.”

Who the fuck says that unironically? Also seeing all the empty shelves just reminds me of the shitty predicament we’re in.

And suddenly I find myself getting angry at every single thing that’s been bugging me the past year. Made working harder.

I really wish I could stop feeling this way. I recognize it’s all out of my control and I’m trying to overcome it. Just keep slipping back into bad habits.

I look forward to when I get to workout next. Feel like an absolute badass every time I go. Maybe if more people just lived healthier lifestyles, we wouldn’t have to be dealing with this mask bullshit.
 
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