How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Why are you constantly so close to death?
Why the fuck not. One day I'll die and you'll all get to laugh at whatever got me.
Any meds to help? Or just rest?
He called in some anti inflammatory stuff. We think it's from the massive panic attack last week. Apparently it's not uncommon, but. I don't like it.
 
Why the fuck not. One day I'll die and you'll all get to laugh at whatever got me.

He called in some anti inflammatory stuff. We think it's from the massive panic attack last week. Apparently it's not uncommon, but. I don't like it.
You will never be a real boy. Stop begging for pity and take off the breast binders.
 
Accept your body and perhaps your anxiety will improve. Man up and be a tomboy.
I don't think my body is what's causing the anxiety. I've just got fuck brain. I think I got it from my parents who foolishly had kids despite they could pass down their fuck brain.
I don't have energy to commit to tomboy ascetic yet, anyway.
 
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So-so. Said some shit to someone I know and am debating if I should apologize to them. The funny thing is I'm kind of on the fence if I like them or not and what would that benefit me if I apologized. So essentially, I made a joke that fell flat (was already pissed as it is, so I had to open my mouth some more, lol). Would it be worth it to tell the person what I actually think/basically tell them they've always been a douche and that's why I've been a douche back?

There's a simple solution to this. I just don't know how to go about it. I took some time to myself earlier today to think about why I did what I did and what was the point of fraternizing with someone who a: I'm clearly opposites with and b: who seems shitty. But as for why I'm still guilty about it... I honestly don't know.
 
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It's my last month in CA. Everything is done. All papers are signed. All checks have cleared. This time next month I'll be on my way home after another near decade in this trap. I always leave but then get sucked back in because I like money. A lot. Never again. This place has gone off the rails in the last 8 years. Front row seats for the apocalypse are never good.

My first night home, I'm gonna sit on my porch, smoke my favorite cigar, have some of my best bourbon, and pour one out for all you Kiwis that are still trapped in hell.

The only thing I will miss is the Mexican food. I've been just about everywhere and California has better Mexican food than anywhere else except some parts of Mexico.
 
Losing weight, gaining muscle, and painstakingly aware of how the last 3~ years of my life have been wasted so I'm playing catchup and trying to up my art output & skill while focusing on getting fit & healthy.

I wanna see a psychiatrist soon but there's literally none around for miles, only shrinks which are a waste of fucking time.
 
I wanna see a psychiatrist soon but there's literally none around for miles, only shrinks which are a waste of fucking time.
Virtually all mental health professionals are overbooked and overworked right now. The pandemic has really caused the weak to fall apart, and they're jamming up the system, making it difficult for people who really need help. A psychiatrist is probably just going to talk to you for 10 minutes and give you medication. If that's actually what you're after, and your issues are of the more common variety (anxiety, depression, etc...) then you might try discussing this with your PCP and see if they'd agree to prescribe you some medication for it since you can't get in to be seen by a psychiatrist.
 
Virtually all mental health professionals are overbooked and overworked right now. The pandemic has really caused the weak to fall apart, and they're jamming up the system, making it difficult for people who really need help. A psychiatrist is probably just going to talk to you for 10 minutes and give you medication. If that's actually what you're after, and your issues are of the more common variety (anxiety, depression, etc...) then you might try discussing this with your PCP and see if they'd agree to prescribe you some medication for it since you can't get in to be seen by a psychiatrist.
Aye probably, I'm not so interested in meds but more in figuring out what, if at all, is going on in my head. I have a very colourful past and suspicians of potential conditions but I'm not the type to self-diagnose so I won't take any of it seriously until an actual pro gives me the 1-2 Uniflu and walks me through wtf is going on in my head. Might not be anything but I'm curious and would like closure on my suspicians and advice on how to resolve emotional loose ends.
Guess it's best to wait and focus on upskilling until the people clogging shit up recover from whatever the fuck. I imagine a lot of the covid related neuroticism will subside when people can get distracted by their lives again.
 
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Aye probably, I'm not so interested in meds but more in figuring out what, if at all, is going on in my head. I have a very colourful past and suspicians of potential conditions but I'm not the type to self-diagnose so I won't take any of it seriously until an actual pro gives me the 1-2 Uniflu and walks me through wtf is going on in my head. Might not be anything but I'm curious and would like closure on my suspicians and advice on how to resolve emotional loose ends.
Guess it's best to wait and focus on upskilling until the people clogging shit up recover from whatever the fuck. I imagine a lot of the covid related neuroticism will subside when people can get distracted by their lives again.
Understood. Keep working out and getting your health in order. It's surprising how much that can help. (It usually never hurts.) Try calling your insurance provider's patient help line and ask them to help you find a psychiatrist. Worth a shot. Good luck.
 
A coworker I pick up on my ride to work got COVID recently, so he's been off, presumably wanking himself to Discord hentai and gaming like the neckbeard he is. My immediate boss is also off work for other reasons, so this week I'm entirely unbothered, and can do whatever the fuck I want.

Prepping for a mock powerlifting meet next week, currently taking a much needed deload before the weekend. I'm not really a powerlifter, so it should be an interesting experience. I have a few gym buddies down to give commands, down signals, etc. Four or five hours in the gym just ripping weights and talking shit sounds good to me...

Took a few year hiatus from crypto, just dumped a large amount of cash in BTC and a few others. I cashed out handsomely last time, so my reinvestment is technically all profit. I'll probably chip in a few hundo each month, no shitcoins.

Planning a holiday to Rome with a friend of mine this Spring. He's been several times, I have yet to go. This will be long overdue.

Currently enjoying a nightcap before bed. It probably won't help me sleep any better, but it sure is fun.

I wish all kiwi farmers a very evening.
 
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So-so. Said some shit to someone I know and am debating if I should apologize to them. The funny thing is I'm kind of on the fence if I like them or not and what would that benefit me if I apologized. So essentially, I made a joke that fell flat (was already pissed as it is, so I had to open my mouth some more, lol). Would it be worth it to tell the person what I actually think/basically tell them they've always been a douche and that's why I've been a douche back?

There's a simple solution to this. I just don't know how to go about it. I took some time to myself earlier today to think about why I did what I did and what was the point of fraternizing with someone who a: I'm clearly opposites with and b: who seems shitty. But as for why I'm still guilty about it... I honestly don't know.
Let it go, don't antagonize them. You might get some satisfaction from telling them off, but if you do you burn a bridge.
 
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I've been having a hard time finding a real goal or meaning in my life. It feels like everything I strive for and accomplish, while great, doesn't make me feel anything for long. I'm not a nihilist, or suffering mental issues. I just don't know what I truly desire to become.

It's hard to explain, and I'm not great at conveying my emotions. Hopefully some solitary introspection will help me find some answers.
 
I've been having a hard time finding a real goal or meaning in my life. It feels like everything I strive for and accomplish, while great, doesn't make me feel anything for long. I'm not a nihilist, or suffering mental issues. I just don't know what I truly desire to become.

It's hard to explain, and I'm not great at conveying my emotions. Hopefully some solitary introspection will help me find some answers.
Been here before and it's a rough time that's for sure, just go at your own pace man and try new things! In a rut like this where you're unsure what it is you find valuable in life, it's best to just get out there and try literally anything and everything and who knows something just might strike a chord! I started working out like 6 months ago (I've never been athletic EVER) but right now I'm really enjoying it and I have ambitions to work myself to a classic bodybuilding physique - I never ever expected myself to get into something like this and I wouldn't have if I never decided to try out the gym. You don't have to do the same thing obviously but trying new things even just for a few days or a week could set your life on a completely different path, imo it's worth giving a go.

The best introspection is logging how you feel while trying something new, you discover a lot about yourself I find
 
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Had Corona last month. Felt like having a weird cold. My fever came and went, umibwas tired on and off and my back hurt for a few days. Also lost sense of taste and smell for maybe a week.

I've had worse.

I should be nervous because we'll be having our first child this weekend, but nope. Guess i'll crack at the hospital instead, if it happens.

I foresee a lack of sleep, money and raised blood pressure the coming 18 years 😉
 
Yesterday was pretty shit. Had my first "car accident" by accidentally scraping somebody's parked car in the parking lot in front of my workplace and having to exchange information with him right before I could clock in. Problem was, I forgot to put my insurance info in my glove box after I got my car, so I couldn't give him my policy number right away. Was freaking out internally.

Was then called in for a surprise meeting in my department and while the meeting was going on, my phone was vibrating the entire time. After it was over, it turned out the guy was trying to call me, his wife, who was in the ER was pissed and was threatening to call the cops on me for not answering them about the car. I called him, he tried explaining that he was trying to get his wife to calm down since he felt it wasn't that big of a deal. His wife then called me, she was able to settle down and I told her I would get her the needed info as soon as I could.

As if that weren't enough, the store was swamped due to an upcoming "winter storm". (As of now, it's just simply raining, but who knows?) The toilet was clogged in the women's restroom and I, still reeling over what happened earlier accidentally caused it to overflow while trying to fix it and had to ask for help from one of my teammates. (Thankfully, there was more of us than usual)

Things calmed down after a while, and when I got home I finally got the info I needed and sent it to the couple.

For context, I had the biggest fear of driving for the longest while and due to having high social anxiety, that whole experience was probably one of the biggest contributors to that. I hated the idea of accidentally hitting someone's car and causing them problems. Now that's it seems like it's over and done with, I realize it wasn't actually all that bad. I just had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way.

I suppose the same could be the same for most things that happened to me as of late but, what the hell was I so afraid of?
 
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