How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Went to a DJ night last night. Had a blast. Ended up making out with my friend's roommate. She wanted to go home with me, so we piled into my car. Three blocks from the bar, I run into a fucked up piece of rebar or something and crack my radiator. I gotta call a tow truck. She fucking bails. Bails. Cockblocked by road debris and AAA response time. Texted this morning, of course no reply. Gotta get a new radiator tomorrow. Lovely. Wonderful.
 
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My chest hurts when I'm lonely and perhaps I'm being melodramatic but I hope that the burning and aching sensation radiating from the center of my chest down to my left forearm results in an accident of sorts.

An obvious lesson I learnt a while ago is that things happen with people, so now I risk being stuck.
 
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Doing really good. I've been thinking about this Kierkegaard quote again, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." As I close in on 40, I realize that I love getting older. Some people hate aging and miss their youth. I couldn't be more relieved to not be a kid, teenager, or young adult anymore. Life makes more sense and I feel more in control. Granted, bad shit will always happen and life will never be perfect, but as a middle-aged adult I feel like I can manage better. I used to be pessimistic in my youth. Nowadays, I feel more optimistic. Weird how that works out, huh?
 
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I’m not doing so great, a friend of mine who has been one of my closest has recently been acting really unreasonably and kinda douchey. Because of some incident that I did several years ago in public, he has been increasingly wary of when we go and do stuff together, I have apologised countless times and this was literally at the end of last decade, so he’s being pretty unreasonable I feel.

He’s about to celebrate his upcoming birthday at the end of this month yet he’s made really odd conditions taht i can only come, if I bring my sister along to kind of watch me, I don’t think he realises how fucking creepy that sounds, and I really don’t want to do that for obvious reasons and also he’s had the hots for her for the last 5 years so I gotta be wary of him if he tried to pull anything.

But he’s so adamant about these conditions and say I can’t some unles si bring her along because he doesn’t trust me to not make a scene in public. I find that very insulting that he thinks I’m some edgy twelve year old that need s to be babysat by my sister. Yet I honestly do want to go to this since I haven’t been to a proper party in years and don’t have many close friends throwing them anytime soon. So I gotta ask what should I do to snap him outta this?
 
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I have lupus. Every time it starts to get better I flare up again. I have a lesion on my head that may have gotten infected because I scraped it accidentally with the band of my headphones. Heavy Sony headphones. Me and earbuds are not frens.

Now there's a lump and it's weepy. My scalp lesions had gotten so much better and I was enjoying normal hair again. Now this.

My rheumatologist does not like putting me on oral steroids because "blah blah blah your immune system". But they are the only thing that really works to clear up bad flares. The topical steroids just aren't as good. The hydroxychloroquine only keeps it from getting really bad. I'm going to have to see the dermotologist. I might need a direct injection. I've had scalp injections before. It sounds more horrible than it is.

Usually the steroid bottle contains more than the prescribed round. So I have pretty much enough for two rounds. I do wish that they came with refills though. I know when and how to take them.

I only use the headphones over a hood now. It's better for my ears anyway. But when I forget it's painful. This is the original lesion site from when I was 11. It has healed many times over but always comes back. In my experience once a lesion site always a lesion site. When the sun hits you it's like being burned by cigars.
 
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I feel like absolute hell.
Since late afternoon I've had every shitty vague symptom there is. Tired, achy, vertigo, water retention-like swelling, heart pounding, probably other things but also brain fog.
No fever tho.
If this is my last post ever, I've probably succumbed to some icky new plague OR whatever complications of the Pfizer vaccine they don't tell you about until after you get it.
 
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Fell asleep pretty early, on the couch under 2 oversized lapdogs. When those idiots start snoring on me I'm out like a light for some reason, sleep schedule be damned. But I do always sleep really well when it happens. 430am is just as good a time as any for coffee and a shower.
 
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My husband said "faggot" last night, he said it in a joking way like I do but holy shit I've never heard him say it, it's always me lmao. God, my hubby will never just not surprise me with things like that sometimes.
 
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Brain Power said:
Who keeps bringing trash where I live? Not enough with reggaeton lovers, now I have venezuelan kids screaming like banshees, making a mess and almost dropping a lightpost. They make niggers look nice. At least I have a quiet place to go when things get unbearably loud.
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Let me guess, you either live in Florida or Texas. If it's Texas, then you're probably in Houston or Katy.
 
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El Conserje said:
Let me guess, you either live in Florida or Texas. If it's Texas, then you're probably in Houston or Katy.
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Nope, Chile, and NOT in Santiago. Santiago was too full of poow widdle iwwegular migwants, so they moved them to other regions. At this rate, we're going to be just like Sweden, thanks a lot, Bachelet, Piñera and Boric :mad:
 
Brain Power said:
Nope, Chile, and NOT in Santiago. Santiago was too full of poow widdle iwwegular migwants, so they moved them to other regions. At this rate, we're going to be just like Sweden, thanks a lot, Bachelet, Piñera and Boric :mad:
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Power level in coming en español: coño, pana, lo siento. Sé que la situación allá es un asco con la inmigración de venezolanos, pero te quiero decir que aunque hay muchos mierder, también hay muchos que de verdad quieren buscar una vida digna y tranquila. Cuando un país está en ruinas, todo el mundo está desesperado por escapar y ese es el problema, y no hay una solución fácil.

Y sí, los gobiernos izquierdistas son el peor cáncer que jamás pudo existir en la historia del hombre. Y ese no es el único problema porque también se entretejen factores como un gobierno militarizado, mafias de Estado, narcotráfico, etc que hacen muy jodido que Venezuela escape de su status quo de miseria. Pero cuando finalmente lo haga, te prometo que la mayoría de los venezolanos regresarán a su país. Espero que eso nunca lo tenga que sufrir Chile.

Tl;dr: Venezuelans are fucked as hell.
 
El Conserje said:
Power level in coming en español: coño, pana, lo siento. Sé que la situación allá es un asco con la inmigración de venezolanos, pero te quiero decir que aunque hay muchos mierder, también hay muchos que de verdad quieren buscar una vida digna y tranquila. Cuando un país está en ruinas, todo el mundo está desesperado por escapar y ese es el problema, y no hay una solución fácil.

Y sí, los gobiernos izquierdistas son el peor cáncer que jamás pudo existir en la historia del hombre. Y ese no es el único problema porque también se entretejen factores como un gobierno militarizado, mafias de Estado, narcotráfico, etc que hacen muy jodido que Venezuela escape de su status quo de miseria. Pero cuando finalmente lo haga, te prometo que la mayoría de los venezolanos regresarán a su país. Espero que eso nunca lo tenga que sufrir Chile.

Tl;dr: Venezuelans are fucked as hell.
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Y entonces para qué se vienen a un país que apenas puede mantener a su propia población y está a pasos de que quede la escoba? No hay país que los quiera por lo insoportables y salvajes que suelen ser, solo mira como tienen Colchane o las ciudades grandes de regiones. Si Chile colapsa, a donde se van a arrancar después? Lo siento, pero aunque hayan unos cuantos buenos, ya no los aguanto más, me colmaron la paciencia, algo que creía que era imposible hasta hace poco.
 
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shit and i've felt like shit for a while
I've pretty much given up my entirely personality to climb the career ladder.
I force myself to watch/listen/read normie shit to better relate to coworkers and the high ups.
Can't really voice my opinion since it may be considered wrong think. I have to post ridiculous pronoun garbage on all my socials to blend in.
I feel disdain for all of my coworkers. I only tolerate them so I can better position myself in the future

Sorry for dumping a metric ton of feels. KF is probably the only place I can vent and be my real self. You guys are pretty great.
 
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Childish drama, but I don't feel like venting to my friends.

I chatted with someone a few years ago. We clicked immediately in a way that just really felt like kismet, that I've only once ever clicked with someone before (my best friend of 20 years). It was as if it was "supposed" to happen or some woo-woo like that. Hell, when I met my best friend back then we hated each other for the first few years despite having the same group of friends. But something in me told me to keep going. Even though we started off horribly, that turned around one day a few years in. We're still best friends all this time later. Point is, experience tells me that when my intuition draws me that hard to someone, I keep tabs on them even if doing so makes no sense at the time.

He wanted to move to my neck of the woods sometime around 2023 as a long-term plan he made before we'd even met. He ghosted chatting with me after a while for no clear reason; we hadn't argued or anything, and the last I heard from him was something like "hey sorry I missed you online, hope your day goes well and talk later!". Ever since then, he hasn't contacted me at all. I wasn't blocked or unfriended or anything like that, he just stopped replying after that. I checked on his very scantily updated social media every few months or so, figured being friends with someone online barely matters in the long run anyway and maybe we could bump into one another later on down the line and have lunch or something.

I had a weird feeling telling me to check on him today. Nuked everything from orbit literally yesterday. Nothing left of his online presence, no information about anything that happened, no trace left on any of his profiles except the one that had our last open chat, and his "last seen" date there is quite old. Any avenue of communication gone.

I realize this DFE has nothing to do with me. We haven't talked in a long time, so as far as I'm concerned I'm exactly where I was yesterday, or last week, or a year ago.

I'm not an idiot. My logical brain has known this entire time that ghosting while still being online means just that- he has zero interest in talking to me, no matter how much it seemed like we were clicking. His move here could still happen. Maybe not. And either way, any decision still has nothing to do with me. I even know on a sensible level that nothing has changed for me here. My life has continued without him. I've made new friends, changed jobs, dated, taken vacations, and gone on living since then, and of course he has too. My feelings are obnoxiously complex. I don't know what I expected? I'm sad that this feels like more of an ending than the ghosting did. I hate that the nagging feeling that we'll still run into each other someday is even now not entirely silent. For fuck's sake it's been years now. I've been ghosted both before and since, and I'm experienced enough with it that I'm over being upset by it within days. But not this one. This one has been occasionally coming back to tap on my shoulder for no clear reason. The guy hasn't given me any indication that he has any interest in ever seeing or speaking to me. I'm disappointed with myself that seeing "deleted user" bothered me so much, even after all this time.
 
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