How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Pretty annoyed. I had a job interview on the 10th. Was sent in for a piss test (with cannabis exempt since it's legal here) they called me the following Tuesday to tell me they lost the sample. So I to go back in and retake it. Then I just now get a call this morning saying the results came back from the lab when they told me 2-3 days.
 
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Had the epidural injection yesterday for the pain of sciatica. Went well. Did a short walk this morning, no back discomfort, joints felt good. Was I happy. Seeing spinal surgeon next week for followup. Hope the injection lasts for a while. Doesn't take long but need to be sedated. Gave me a little fentanyl, enough to be relaxed without going to sleep. Recovered quickly, then we went out for an early dinner, since I'd had to fast all day.
 
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Just going through a small spot of post-visit situational depression or whatever, it'll be fine but it took almost 5 years for any of my family to be able to visit us since last time we saw someone from back home, so who knows when the next time will be. My parents are very active and healthy, and aren't terribly old, but they're still in that 50-60 age range where a lot of health problems can start manifesting so I always get really bad thoughts about whether or not we're wasting our limited time on earth being so far away from people who love us and adore our kids. It's pretty irrational, there are many reasons why we're here and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone even when you're neighbors with your parents, but I'll just be in a little bit of a funk for a few weeks, probably.

I felt so relaxed, free, and happy when they were visiting, though. Like I'm more myself when I get to be around people who speak my native tongue and have known me our entire lives. I think I'm just homesick and find the distance hard, even though I am very glad I live where I do now with my husband. It just sucks how much time my loved ones are missing out on during our kids' early years, they just couldn't believe how big they all are. Anyway I'm just going to allow myself to wallow in these feelings a little bit and I'll force myself to move on from it until a TBD mope session in a few days, and misdirect my feelings in a way that's at least a bit semi-entertaining to me and like, innerly seethe at all the hispanics and even my betters, the eternal anglos, around me who get to just hear their stupid mother tongue every day. FUCKERS.
 
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Feeling rather bleak to be honest. The world has gone mad, and everyone I know seems to be fully on board with it. The usual ‘get out for a walk/mindfulness/blah blah) isn’t helping. The future just looks like increasing amounts of repression and being worked to death. Can’t talk to anyone about how mad the world is because they think it’s all great.
How does one attain a slight degree of optimism in current year? Another thirty five years living through this sounds like a bad time
 
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Otterly said:
Feeling rather bleak to be honest. The world has gone mad, and everyone I know seems to be fully on board with it. The usual ‘get out for a walk/mindfulness/blah blah) isn’t helping. The future just looks like increasing amounts of repression and being worked to death. Can’t talk to anyone about how mad the world is because they think it’s all great.
How does one attain a slight degree of optimism in current year? Another thirty five years living through this sounds like a bad time
Click to expand...

"But we have so much porn and funny videos on tik tok. Checkmate doomer! "

I stopped expressing these sentiments irl as all you get is an iteration of that. The frog is fully boiled.
 
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I'm fucking overwhelmed and terrified.

spoiler because PL & TMI

I need to get this off my chest and I don't know where else to unload it at this point.

I've went to the ophthalmologist some weeks ago because I was seeing weird flickers and stuff in the corner of my eye, and was scared that my retina was damaged or something. Eye-problems kinda run in my family, so I'm a little extra precautious.

The doctor really took her time with me, did all possible examinations, asked me a ton of questions that didn't fully make sense to me at first, and at the end she sighed, and looked at me for a long time, before saying [paraphrasing here] "There's nothing wrong with your eyes and the symptoms you're describing... if they persist or start to surface frequently, please make an appointment at a neurologist, maybe they can help you. Just so you're prepared: they might redirect you to a psychiatrist, given your family's history."

Mental illness, especially Shizophrenia, runs in my family as well. Splendid. It's just fucking great.

I'm in the age-range where this shit usually starts acting up & manifesting.

It stopped for some weeks and today it started acting up again.

I'll call a neurologist and make and appointment. As soon as I get my head in order.

I'm fucking terrified.
 
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Checkpoint 03/22/2023, a/k/a total mental breakdown of a kiwifag.


If/when I kill myself, I want to be listening to this song. The world is the shittiest place I can think of, and this song takes me away from all that. I see the darkest and worst from people every single day I wake up. Every single day, another law is passed to kill niggers. Every single day, somebody's innocence is taken, forcing them to become another slave of The Machine. Every day I get a bit wiser, and a bit sadder.

I hope it gets better, but that's all I can do. Corporate Jews don't care, so long as their stock gets bumped up 0.1% a day. Suicide doesn't look good to me, it's too easy of a way out. I don't want to leave this world until I see a) some change or b) the end of humanity as we know it. I'm not going to shoot up a church to prove my point, not going to bomb a school, I'm not going to do anything like that. That shit doesn't help and I don't get why we keep doing it.

Everywhere I look is pain, genocide, sadness, anger, all of it. It doesn't help if I change where I look, it's all the same. Every single summer gets a bit hotter, same as the winters. Every passing second is one on the clock, ticking down to the heat death of the universe. I'll never get to see that, and that's okay to me. I just want to see the world to be a bit happier, just for a day. I'd give anything that I've got, just for that.

I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this post, but that's the way of the farms. Some of us are born retarded, and some of us are born mad at the Internet.
 
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Bad. I had to close the door on something as of Monday. The gulf between what I was prepared to handle and how painful it actually ended up being was much wider than I had anticipated. Sitting somewhere in the land of flat affect and calling out of work to lay in bed for four hours. Talking to someone about it next week.
 
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Well my brother has been absolutely screwed. His lawyer half assed what should have been a slam dunk case to get him free and he's taken a moronic plea deal that the entire family argued against him taking so he has now lost his 20s and 30s and will be marked as a violent felon forevermore. I'm disappointed, my father is pissed and ill never be able to get that damn money he owes me. Truly an idiot has met an idiotic end.
 
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Right now, I just found another new hobby on how to get digital media onto blank VHS tapes into a VHS player, on top of learning how to build and save up data storage on the likes of CD’s and DVD’s/Blu-Ray discs.

I even learned how to add music onto blank cassettes since I still have a Walkman cassette player that has not been used in years. If anything, I‘m just glad that I found some more hobbies in almost a couple of weeks.
 
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I've been all over the shop, but mostly I'm genuinely grateful. Things really do have the potential to not be shit, and that's far more than I expected for much of the past few years.

"Look after yourself" is kind of an empty platitude, but I hope everyone here takes it to heart. If you're here reading this, you're a thinker, someone more aware than the average drone, and someone worth something.
 
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I had a nested dream it seems. A very hearty dinner waa cooked and had by me and I went in somewhat haphazardly. As I did so, I distinctly remembered waking up at some point after what seems to be a tekken tournament only to then wake up again with a feeling associated with a great disappointment in a previous life. It seems I can remember the decent dream pretty well considering the circumstances but my mind blocked out details from the outer dream. Intriguing.
 
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