How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[LonesomeDud]

I have an easy day ahead of me and I get to spend all Friday evening to Saturday afternoon with my favorite people, so really good.

 

[Blamo2000]

I'm feeling a lot better compared to yesterday. This whole week was nothing but brain fog for me.

I'll try stopping the endless worrying, I already have anxiety issues, the worst that could happen to me if I start doing art is that I suck and I get ignored. How much of an ego I had to think people will care about me or my stuff. lol

 

[Sergeant Major Buzzkill]

I am so tired of this idea that I need to "work on myself" to some arbitrary standard so that the universe will finally declare me worthy of love and support. I know I am worthy of these things, I just can't seem to find anyone willing to offer it to me, and I'd rather learn how to live with loneliness than constant feelings of disappointment and humiliation that come with putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.

I understand where you're coming from. I've learned too late that you can't be totally honest with anybody (therapists or otherwise) who claims you can trust them with anything, then all of a sudden they end up twisting your words, make you doubt yourself, or think you're horrible for just simply expressing your thoughts at the moment.

Spoiler: Powerlevel

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression for now five years, maybe even longer. The reason I even bother to live, aside from my family, is sorely because I just want to see where the ride takes me. I've managed my emotions, my problems, thanks to me, not some fucking quack, attempting being honest with myself and to pursue things that keep me balanced.

Sorry about this bit of a rant, but this pisses me off to no end.

 

[Nick Obre]

Also cancelling only works if you let it.

Hey, remember that self-employed guy from Canada who disagreed with some feminists about something, and they harassed him, slandered him, then sued him for harassment, and the court forbid him, a web designer, from using the Internet for years?

He should have, like, just not let it happen.

And the guy who made some jokes during the 2016 election and now he's gonna be in jail for years.

Just don't let it happen, bro.

I'm self-employed, alhamdulillah, and I go to great lengths to keep my personal and professional life separate from my Internet life, but most people aren't in a position to do that. And most people aren't as exceptionally stubborn as Josh. Or already rich and connected like the handful of comedians and actors and such that managed to endure it.

 

[PapaJohnTheMergeMaestro]

My mind feels the most liberated it has been in a few years. I used to be very aggressive when it came to politics. It started in 2016 with me siding with Lord Emperor Trump in order to destroy the SJWs. I would watch culture stuff nearly all the time and became borderline hateful (non-ironically hateful). Then around Chinavirus times, I became more liberal and actually went deep down the reddit hole. At least it did help me to not get as triggered over dumb mainstream movies having black lesbian leads, but then I really felt like I was walking on eggshells, felt more like a horrible asshole in my head, no matter how hard I tried to cuck out for the mob. Words like nigger, faggot, chink, and more would intrude my inner thoughts and I felt so bad about it.

Then recently, I found this site again, and realized that all this hyper-political bullshit is retarded and silly. It also helped me realize that modern content creators are pretty much all dead to me, unless they're clueless boomers carving wood. The sanitation of modern culture is hurting people in a lot of ways. My usual sense of humor IRL is G or PG-Rated and even I feel restrained by the guardrails of modern sensitivities. That's why, as a non-edgy individual, I'd prefer if we went back to more 90s-2000s sensitivities.

I do feel that in my soul, the next few years (2024-2026) are going to be a complete clown show, complete mayhem. First off, 2024 is a US election year and if the last two (2016, 2020) are anything to go by...Whew! Secondly, I believe we are seeing the last breaths of influencer/creator culture. I predict MrBeast will be involved in a real scandal (not just a couple of tweets, but something actually big) and will proceed to unravel all these fake corporate and political influencers along with him. Eventually, sites like Reddit and Xitter will fall down too, but for unrelated reasons. Something will happen that will make people touch grass again. It might be wishful thinking, but I just can't see our future becoming a 1984 globohomo utopia run by MrBeast and DEI.

But the one thing I suggest to you is to be careful during these next 3 years, as things will get peak crazy. I do believe the world will start to heal around late 2026-early 2027, but keeping your brain from being radicalized from either extreme will soon become very important. So stay away from news, if you can't handle them, and if you can, grab a giant bucket of popcorn, cause things are about to get good.

Sorry if this ramble is a clusterfuck of politics, mad at the internet, and predictive spiritual woo, but this seems like the only appropriate place to let all this autistic crap off of my chest. Take care.

 

[Cheeseknife]

what I want is help with normalizing feeling alone and not be so hung up on having relationships.

I don't think that a person can normalize that. It's part of our nature to have relationships. But I think we can teach or train ourselves not care as much.

the first of these yo-yos tell me "there's hope".

This has been my experience too; I wasn't given all the necessary tools to live as I was growing up because all my parents, my teachers, my elders--everyone who reared me from childhood into adulthood just filled my life with vague generalities. If I was a homeless person, they might as well have told me, "Why are you homeless? Just go buy a house, silly." As if things were that simple.

The second one, again, told flat out that I am feeling grief, says "so you're having trouble building relationships", and I said yes, which isn't a lie, but it felt like I was being led into a place I didn't want to be. He said, well, we'll work on strategies to help build relationships. Again, not what I came to therapy for. Not what I asked for. How much fucking clearer do I need to be about this? So he tells me he doesn't know what to do to help. How the fuck did Talkspace match me with this goon if he's not willing to process what I was matched with him for, unless, Talkspace is just as useless as this guy and just matched me with the next person in the hopper?

Again, same here. You're a puzzle piece that doesn't fit into their perfect frame. You try to tell them what the problem is, and they address a textbook case and not you.

 

[Neurotypical Mantis]

got absolutely no sleep last night. tried everything together, lavender, cbd oil, no screens, physical activity. nothing. yesterday it was better, i got two whole hours of sleep and a 1 hour nap.

 

[Kalsarikännit]

My current plan is to work my way out of my current debts, climb into my car and become a nomad, become a wanderer.

 

[Not A Bunny]

You're a puzzle piece that doesn't fit into their perfect frame. You try to tell them what the problem is, and they address a textbook case and not you.

I've known this for some time, that's why I tried a different (not incorrect) tactic.

I do feel grief for my own life, but I wanted to take it out of a context that would immediately tell these nimrods that they should unpack my childhood. I know I'm the problem here. I'm just tired of being told I'm a victim of my childhood trauma. I haven't been that for a long time. I am now a participant in my miserable adulthood. But they don't get that, because like all professionals in that vein: most are completely fucking mediocre.

Hell, <sperg incoming, don't worry, I'll bring it back to how I'm feeling>, during COVID, I theorized correctly that most medical professionals acted out of complete cowardice and fell in line with the COVID narrative because they didn't want to be put on blast for doing the wrong thing, most therapists these days want to frame you as someone who needs validation. Even if they saw with their own eyes that it wasn't nearly as bad as the news was telling you it was.

I fucking don't need to be validated or "feel seen" or some perpetual victim bullshit. I want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and it feels like therapists have cowed to the notion that they're not allowed to tell you what kind of asshole you are.

I understand where you're coming from. I've learned too late that you can't be totally honest with anybody (therapists or otherwise) who claims you can trust them with anything, then all of a sudden they end up twisting your words, make you doubt yourself, or think you're horrible for just simply expressing your thoughts at the moment.

In this Big Brother nightmare of a planet?

I swear everyone my age who is married doesn't even know how lucky they are. Aside from not having to do all their own chores, pay all their own bills, and have a little extra time and money because they have someone to split those things with, they don't have to feel so exposed. Like, part of the reason why I'm in a rush to get partnered up (or at least was), was so I didn't have to put myself out in the world anymore where you don't know what you're going to encounter.

I'm sure half my problem is being unable to trust people, but this is a fucking hellscape of people taking pictures of you in public, putting you on blast if you misbehave, calling your employer to get you fired if you do something bad, even if it is off the clock and not even particularly illegal, and you're telling me I should even open myself up to a world where all of this shit happens?

I'm not going to self-delete. In fact, part of my will to keep going is to outlive my psycho/abusive brother. I have a plan, by God, to defecate on his grave, and so help me, a nuclear weapon isn't going to stop me. That's fucking petty, but I want the last word on that motherfucker and that last word is: the world is better off without you in it, and I'm fucking glad if you died painfully.

 

[Betonhaus]

I don't have anything to do today. I kinda want to bake something, but it's so exhausting trying to cook when I can't use my lefy

 

[Cheeseknife]

Hell, <sperg incoming, don't worry, I'll bring it back to how I'm feeling>, during COVID, I theorized correctly that most medical professionals acted out of complete cowardice and fell in line with the COVID narrative because they didn't want to be put on blast for doing the wrong thing, most therapists these days want to frame you as someone who needs validation. Even if they saw with their own eyes that it wasn't nearly as bad as the news was telling you it was

The kicker there is that even after everything that's come out in the last four years after covid, people still keep up the act. People still continue to pretend they live in in this clown world fantasy. This was another breaker for my familial relationships--dismissal out of hand. What it's led me to conclude is that it's not a matter of telling people that Soylent Green is people, but rather it's a matter of getting them to care about that. And a lot of people don't care. They want to squash the talking cricket.

 

[I (Don't) Have A Gun]

Was doing good for a while, until I wasn't. Work is fine, pay is good, colleagues aren't assholes but my social life is a bit lacklustre and that got me down. I've been trying to make in-roads with a new friend group and although it seems everyone has warmed up to me, I just wasn't really feeling that I've made any decent friendships.
I've been a bit miserable about it, throw in a screw up with this girl I'm into and yeah... I found I was kinda being an asshole to everyone, particularly a really good friend of mine. Dude should have dropped me three times over by now... but I kinda had a come to Jesus moment there, and realised that I do have friends, and there are people that don't hate being around me... arguably some of them might actually like hanging out with me. I was just being a self pitying hasty idiot and taking it out on other people.
So I'm doing better! Well until I run into that girl I like again... but I think I'll just avoid her for a while and do me things. Think I'll take up hiking, there's like several hiking groups around here. I'll go climb up a mountain or something.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

I'm sure half my problem is being unable to trust people, but this is a fucking hellscape of people taking pictures of you in public, putting you on blast if you misbehave, calling your employer to get you fired if you do something bad, even if it is off the clock and not even particularly illegal, and you're telling me I should even open myself up to a world where all of this shit happens?

I'm not going to self-delete. In fact, part of my will to keep going is to outlive my psycho/abusive brother. I have a plan, by God, to defecate on his grave, and so help me, a nuclear weapon isn't going to stop me. That's fucking petty, but I want the last word on that motherfucker and that last word is: the world is better off without you in it, and I'm fucking glad if you died painfully.

If that's your goal in life then you should probably just kill the fucker yourself already. You basically just have to slip out for a couple years and put a bullet in his dome when nobody is looking and would be a lot healthier than just seething about it and you're paranoid already so maybe the murder investigation won't even stress you too much.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

got absolutely no sleep last night. tried everything together, lavender, cbd oil, no screens, physical activity. nothing. yesterday it was better, i got two whole hours of sleep and a 1 hour nap.

Seen a few of your posts now. I have the same thing, always have - probably 25 years now of more or less constant anxiety-induced insomnia. I can count on one hand the number of genuine, 8-hour long, substance free sleeps I've had in my entire life. Wild.

In any case, my usual go to is strong antihistamines. I try to limit my usage, taking the strong ones only when it's expedient - Sunday evening in order to get up for work, or on 'important' nights where I HAVE to be awake early and lucid. For casual nights I take a gorilla dose of ZMA and a weaker antihistamine. That seems to lend something of a 'normal' sleep experience for me, but of course I still have my bad days.

On most Friday evenings, I'll have a bottle of wine and the above-mentioned strong dosage. It's not uncommon for me to be out up to 15 hours - and I feel amazing after.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

I've been away for about a year. Those who may remember my last postings might recall I had numerous deaths in the family in a cluster, and that pretty much ruined my life for the proceeding 12 months. I was fucked up, in a terrible headspace.

Shit's looking up now though. Lawyers and estate division is a thing of the past, and I'm shopping for houses with my (soon-to-be) wife. Countryside living, far away from diversity and other 'enrichment,' enjoying nothing other than tranquility, peace, and nature. I feel like I fucking deserve this shit.

 

[Neurotypical Mantis]

Seen a few of your posts now. I have the same thing, always have - probably 25 years now of more or less constant anxiety-induced insomnia. I can count on one hand the number of genuine, 8-hour long, substance free sleeps I've had in my entire life. Wild.

In any case, my usual go to is strong antihistamines. I try to limit my usage, taking the strong ones only when it's expedient - Sunday evening in order to get up for work, or on 'important' nights where I HAVE to be awake early and lucid. For casual nights I take a gorilla dose of ZMA and a weaker antihistamine. That seems to lend something of a 'normal' sleep experience for me, but of course I still have my bad days.

On most Friday evenings, I'll have a bottle of wine and the above-mentioned strong dosage. It's not uncommon for me to be out up to 15 hours - and I feel amazing after.

oh shit spunch bop took 40 benadryls
im gonna see my doctor about it but if the bitch won't give me sleeping pills that'll be my next step.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

oh shit spunch bop took 40 benadryls
im gonna see my doctor about it but if the bitch won't give me sleeping pills that'll be my next step.

I only have one mode of comparison here: a friend of mine scored me some Zopiclone a few years back (I think it was 15mg - the weaker dose) and that provided maybe ~10% greater hit than the current antihistamines I take. In that case at least, the legit prescription meds were scarcely better than the OTC stuff. For what it's worth, diphenhydramine is what I take in 25mg pills. I took two once on a bad night and I woke up tasting metal lol.

 

[Jason Wynn]

My brother is starting a project to turn my five year old nieces’ bedroom into a Nintendo themed room. They really love Mario. I was planning on buying them each a big Nintendo plushie for Christmas and asked my brother if there were any particular characters they like, to which he replied they both really like Boos.

Went to the store today before work, no Boos. Lady who owns the shop said they sell super fast and wasn’t sure when more would be in stock. I bought them four Mario plushies, so two for each of them: Fire flower Mario, Tanuki suit Mario, a Thwomp and a Invincibility star.

Because I couldn’t find any Boos, my brother is now giving that passive aggressive pissy attitude where he acts grateful for the gifts but it’s still not good enough.

…..fuck Christmas. I miss the feeling of being a kid where you were just happy to get any gift and people didn’t throw a shit fit because it wasn’t exactly what they wanted. Naive of me I’m sure but I just want a happy, Norman Rockwell type Christmas for once.

 

[Not A Bunny]

If that's your goal in life then you should probably just kill the fucker yourself already. You basically just have to slip out for a couple years and put a bullet in his dome when nobody is looking and would be a lot healthier than just seething about it and you're paranoid already so maybe the murder investigation won't even stress you too much.

Nah, he's on the road to hell himself. And frankly, he's chronically ill and probably suffering. I don't need to kill him. In fact, if anything, I want him to suffer for as long as possible.

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

I am so tired of this idea that I need to "work on myself" to some arbitrary standard so that the universe will finally declare me worthy of love and support. I know I am worthy of these things, I just can't seem to find anyone willing to offer it to me, and I'd rather learn how to live with loneliness than constant feelings of disappointment and humiliation that come with putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.

So yeah, therapists are a bunch of hacks. They would rather re-frame your problem into something their pea-brains can handle rather than process a problem the way someone is explaining it to them.

Your problem makes sense to me, but I never talk about it in person because nobody could understand or care. I find the people around me so unfulfilling to know. I never have interests in common with people and mainstream society is so boring. These stupid popstars-of-the-moment, shitty big-movie-to-see-with-paint-by-numbers-plot, all the little dogmas and superstitions, etc.

You may find that once you are in a relationship, it's nothing like you fantasized about, and you end up getting none of the comfort you hoped for, a whole lot of responsibility, and about just as much appreciation and love as you had in the past. Relationships are fake, it's all about what you get out of another person, not the other person themselves.

But telling you this won't help you. You have to experience it for yourself. Just be prepared that life is an inherently lonely thing and even a relationship might not correct that feeling inside you you want to change.