How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Kyle Larson said:
I feel like I've regressed from the person I was ~4-5 years ago. I had my issues but ultimately I was able to get things done and had something I was working towards, even if it was a vague understanding. The last few months or so especially, I've become extremely averse to discomfort. I let my living space get filthy and only clean it up when I can't bear to look at it anymore. When I get home from work I can't muster up the energy to do any of the things I said I would do. I can't even go to bed reliably. I realize the situation I'm in is untenable, even if I skate by without any major fallout, it's just a path where it will be difficult to be anything but miserable waiting for meaning to find me. One of the hardest parts of it is that the solutions seems like they're staring me in the face in the form of things that I should stop doing (porn, weed, too much vidya, idle eating) and start doing (exercise, socializing instead of isolating, journaling, church) but it feels like I can't trust myself to make a good decision.

It's like that voice that makes excuses and justifications for not going to the gym has the final say over my own self-interest. I beat myself up from all the unproductive days and poor choices and it just reinforces the idea I'm a fuckup and makes it harder to convince myself it doesn't have to be that way, even if what I need to get there isn't a challenge at all. I have stretches of time where this is less so the case, but currently been doing it long enough and felt shitty enough that I'm tired of it.
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Cut out weed entirely, it makes you retarded and saps your ambition.
 
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Kyle Larson said:
I feel like I've regressed from the person I was ~4-5 years ago. I had my issues but ultimately I was able to get things done and had something I was working towards, even if it was a vague understanding. The last few months or so especially, I've become extremely averse to discomfort. I let my living space get filthy and only clean it up when I can't bear to look at it anymore. When I get home from work I can't muster up the energy to do any of the things I said I would do. I can't even go to bed reliably. I realize the situation I'm in is untenable, even if I skate by without any major fallout, it's just a path where it will be difficult to be anything but miserable waiting for meaning to find me. One of the hardest parts of it is that the solutions seems like they're staring me in the face in the form of things that I should stop doing (porn, weed, too much vidya, idle eating) and start doing (exercise, socializing instead of isolating, journaling, church) but it feels like I can't trust myself to make a good decision.

It's like that voice that makes excuses and justifications for not going to the gym has the final say over my own self-interest. I beat myself up from all the unproductive days and poor choices and it just reinforces the idea I'm a fuckup and makes it harder to convince myself it doesn't have to be that way, even if what I need to get there isn't a challenge at all. I have stretches of time where this is less so the case, but currently been doing it long enough and felt shitty enough that I'm tired of it.
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Just start with a good social life. Since you missed the holidays it seems, you should consider hitting the gym and making friends there. You'll find someone to hang out with there. I honestly wouldn't advise actively cutting things out and trying to go pure straight edge if you're genuinely isolated though. Your mind is using weed and porn to cope for a reason and you're just papering over your issues if you start acting like that.
 
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Sniperwoof said:
Cut out weed entirely, it makes you retarded and saps your ambition.
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Agreed. I like weed because It gives me pretty guaranteed amusement and novel thoughts for a few hours at a time. I hate it because of how acceptable it makes the idea of doing fuck all, which definitely outlasts the high. It's also too expensive of a habit to justify even at a joint every day or two for what it offers. It's been a crutch lately to keep bad feelings at bay, which doing something productive would probably accomplish.

Shadfan666xxx000 said:
Just start with a good social life. Since you missed the holidays it seems, you should consider hitting the gym and making friends there. You'll find someone to hang out with there. I honestly wouldn't advise actively cutting things out and trying to go pure straight edge if you're genuinely isolated though. Your mind is using weed and porn to cope for a reason and you're just papering over your issues if you start acting like that.
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I spent Christmas with family but New Year's was solo. I liked it that way, as I moved to a bigger city a couple years ago and don't have any intention of moving around town with those crowds. It also gave me some time to reflect and give myself somewhat of a reference point about where I am to start the year. I have a solid group of good friends, but it's more frequently been out of discord since we've moved away from one another over time. I haven't made any new friends outside of work since I've moved though, and honestly not really proficient at it ever since school and college stopped throwing me new people to meet on a daily basis.

You're right about the coping as well, most of my idle time has contained some form of coping mechanism. I don't know if a series of good days would naturally lead to less of what makes me do self-destructive shit or if it needs to be cut out in order to enable progress. I'm leaning the former, because I don't think I have an outrageous dependency on any one thing.
 
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Blobby's Murder Knife said:
Nah, she actually wanted me to me to meet this guy because she likes what she heard so far. Our whole family situation is so weird and beyond a pl, I can't go all into it, but just know she is fine with it for a lot of reasons.

So I did meet this guy after a few months of intense and emotionaly inimate conversation about our lives and problems with it. I am with him now for a few more days. I've never had a man look at me the way he does, just looking and me and constantly grinning because he can’t help himself like he just won the lottery or something. He is a white employed middle class western man my own age, so now he isn't some MENA faggot looking for a green card or whatever. He actually has standards. An absolute gentleman, insists on paying for everything, very thoughtful, funny, we have a lot in common.

I find him extremely attractive because he is an actual man. I spent a lot of my life married to a complete omega cuck retard (my fault, I chose him), so I feel like this relationship is like this meme:

View attachment 5608366

We decided to go ahead and enter into a regular monogmous relationship with a goal of marriage and will work on the distance thing in the next few months. Well see how it goes but, yeah, I continue to be impressed to say the least.
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Can't wait to see how you ruin it.

Just as seriously, good luck; hope it works out.

Harbinger of Kali Yuga said:
Red wine and then gold schlager when the wine was done.
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If you can, find some peated red wine. It's delightful. Also, drink less.
 
I keep feeling anxious about my upcoming meeting with my manager at the end of the week. Working out made it go away but only while I was actually doing the workout.
It also doesn't help that I have another elderly relative in the hospital who I'm flying out to visit this weekend, and we don't know if he's going to be around much longer. I don't know that I can take losing another family member.
 
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I'm sick. Caught whatever upper respiratory bug is going around. I'm at that stage of the shivers where I want bed and about three days of unconsciousness.

Naturally, the first question half the people I know asked was, "Did you test? Is it Covid?" Whatever for? What would that change about how I recov....oh. Ohhhhhh right. Okay. I keep forgetting you guys obsessively test for Covid hoping you come back positive so you can ride that munchie attention high that comes from being the modern version of the consumptive Victorian waif; sick, but in a more fashionable sympathy-grabbing way than some humdrum sniffle.
 
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Shadfan666xxx000 said:
Just start with a good social life. Since you missed the holidays it seems, you should consider hitting the gym and making friends there. You'll find someone to hang out with there. I honestly wouldn't advise actively cutting things out and trying to go pure straight edge if you're genuinely isolated though. Your mind is using weed and porn to cope for a reason and you're just papering over your issues if you start acting like that.
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1. It's never a bad time to quit bad behaviors
2. Please don't talk to me at the fucking gym
 
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My psychiatrist offered to do brain stimulation sessions on me for depression, which looks something similar to the image below. It would apparently take 36 different sessions to show any progress so fuck that. (Or maybe it would be worth it. Idk.)
depression1_1463099573955_2250227_ver1.0.JPG

I have really fucking persistent depression which has not responded to any treatment so I am having a jolly old time.
 
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Today was my first day volunteering at the animal shelter.

All the kittens at the kitten part of the shelter swarmed me the moment I sat down. A white bottomed, black-and-brown tabby led the way to me, sniffed my finger, then began to love all over me then all these tiny kittens came up, and a tiny tiny orange one was purring loudly as he made himself comfy on my leg (he could easily fit on a single section of one of mine...). Every other new volunteer was calling to them and I let them have their time, then I came and sat down and the above just happened.

There was an adult orange cat who was exceptionally friendly too - from what I learned the super-majority of these animals go to homes pretty fast, kittens especially, but outgoing adult ones also fairly quick. That's good to know.

Hoping this can give me something positive in the long run (besides owning a cat, which I already do), though it feels good to try to make their lives better.
 
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Doctor John B. Zyklon said:
Being fired would solve that.
Hoping for the best. If not, fuck that bitch.
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If it were 6 months from now, I'd already be looking for a new job, but I've only been at this one for 6 months, which doesn't look good on the resume.
She seems like she means well, so I hope she'll be helpful and not a problem, but I can't really trust people in authority these days, especially when they let on they're unhappy.
 
anustart76 said:
If it were 6 months from now, I'd already be looking for a new job, but I've only been at this one for 6 months, which doesn't look good on the resume.
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It doesn't look as bad as one would think. I was taught 2 years, but I've seen a lot quicker. It also depends on your industry. I say start looking either way; unless tomorrow goes really well.

I've got to say; one reason I really like my new company is that my boss is the ceo, and I work next to him. I may be naive, but I'd like to assume he'd tell me if X y or z wasn't up to snuff.
 
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I am just, really lost on my feelings right now and just going to dump a bunch of thoughts here, I'm sorry if it's a mess.

I've got some medical issues that require me to get blood work done every 3 months or so and have some mental illness shit that I see a therapist for bi-weekly. So I go through these motions of feeling okay and just, having this existential dread. I have a lot of work stress and personal stress, and I know, who doesn't, right? I'm just being a bitch about it cause I have so much weight on my shoulders currently with some super important work stuff that relies on me and if I fail, it hurts a bunch of people who rely on me financially. The other thing is that said work also has me traveling sometimes and I know for an actual fact I will be running into some not so savory people who've wronged me in various ways. I have to run into these people because of my work and any remaining friends I do have, they are also still friends with these people, so it'll happen. I've got bad anxiety about running into certain people and how I will conduct myself. Anyone can easily say, "oh, if I saw this person I would simply do X thing" but when you're in the moment, it's totally different. I obviously have some kinda rehearsed gameplan sure, but when it actually happens, am I gonna choke? Am I gonna just, freeze up? I'm also just feeling really lonely in the romantic department too, which I know a lot of people are struggling with that too, so I know this isn't a unique thing to me but man it sucks. It doesn't help that 2 of my best friends, love them to absolute death, are a couple and sometimes it feels like a third wheel, but just because i'm being a little bitch in my feelings doesn't mean I have a right to be like hey cut it out and i could never do that, cause again, it's just me being a baby about it. It's not always that bad when we hang, only sometimes.

I do have some good stuff going on too, don't get me wrong, I've got some super exciting things coming up too that I will be proud of, but it just feels like I'm going through ebbs and flows, going through the motions, whatever you wanna say about it. I'm just fuckin sad and I hate when my sleep schedule has me awake at night when no one else is so I'm alone with my thoughts. Anyway, sorry for huge post, thanks for reading if ya did.
 
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I hate that no matter how much I plan out shit in advance, there's always some financial bullshit that skull fucks me when I least expect it. My goal is to be even more frugal this year. While that may not prevent the financial fuckery that occurs at the most inopportune times, the increased frugality might give me a better safety net or better survival skills to cope.
 
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I'm trying to be more responsible with work but I'm feeling sick and down with some kind of headache. I hate having to push back my plans for reform to the next week as is often the case with my life at the worst moments but I'm sure I'll make it regardless.
 
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