So many people are in this exact same situation and there is no answer, no way to get out, no way to find meaning in life. We don't even have a group or an outlet for our frustrations. Our governments and media ignore us and sweep the causes under the rug. Some shitty crowd like Vice will talk about Japanese men shutting themselves in their rooms but they will never talk about what is going on with us in the west. Sorry for the ramblings but TL;DR there is no answer to this trap and it's only going to get worse as the walls close in further.
I'll say I agree with a lot of what Dorothy said.
Maybe I'm different, but part of me really can't bare to give a shit about the world politics all of the time. The problem is we're comparing our state of the world to our parents and grandparents, who literally lived through one of the greatest economic eras of all time. You're going to feel crushed in comparison.
This is going to sound really cheesy, but I had a great change happen to me almost exactly a year ago when I watched of all things Stranger Than Fiction. I know there's a million "yolo" movies out there with the same themes of tired, distraught people learning to live a vibrant life. But for some reason this one stuck with me way more than any of the others. I think it was the fact that the film deals with a character who knows he's going to die relatively soon, through no other reason than he's written to. That resonated with me as a guy who felt like he was going to die by his own hand any day.
So I decided at that moment that if I was going to die by my own hand, I'd give myself a time table. So I set out to live the following year doing as many things as I'd wanted to do in my life that I could do within my range. And if I was still miserable a year later, I'd just call it a day.
Well, I'm obviously still here. Still miserable, too. But I did enough things in that span of time that I thought my life was a little more valuable than preceeding it. I did with with not a lot of money by most people's standards.
TL;DR What I'm saying is you need to get all the outside shit out of your mind and proactively do things that can make your own life a little better. Forget the big house and the culture wars and all the extra shit. Pay the mortgage, obviously. But don't think you need to measure up to your parents or "be someone".
Go to a town or city you've wanted to see when you have the time. Enjoy film/music you haven't before, let the cool wind hit your face driving down the road. Do things you enjoy. Go hiking.
If you're waiting for the world to reflectively work the way you want it to before you enjoy yourself, you're going to have a miserable time.
You're not the only person like this. I know plenty of people in the leftwing side of things, who have way more opportunities then some, who say they can't enjoy their life for a million reasons, and it all goes to larger things outside of their control. They're all bitter and miserable people. Don't be them.
I understand the mortgage is a pain, but I think you can find some small things to appreciate.
I am sorry if you're in Canada, though. Godspeed.
What you are feeling is understandable. We all want to be wanted be wanted by other people, but sometimes others may just want us for their own benefit rather than us as people. The best thing to do is just be vigilant and look out for yourself first and also forgive yourself for any lost time, emotion or oppurtunities that you wasted on fake "friendships" whether they be online or IRL. The next thing to do is to move on and try to find IRL connections. Like you said, these people aren't your friends and don't miss you, so there's no harm in forgetting them and the good times you had and living in the present moment with people that know you and love you. At least, that need connection is satisfied rather than wasting it over fake connections and parasocial ones.
Take the good from the experience and let the rest go. It was an intimacy for a time, and if it was good, then appreciate that for what it was - and/or use the experience as a lesson in boundaries and learning the limitations of virtual intimacy. Just don't carry the hurt forward with you. The lessons, yes, but not the hurt. Maybe they are shallow, shit people...or they are incapable of connection, or maybe you just reached the end of the road with them. It's all good. People come and go. I'm not saying no one matters, but life is fluid, and maybe you outgrew each other, even if you didn't realize it.
I get it. I guess the real conundrum for me is the fact they weren't all this vile hive of scum and villainy. They weren't completely fake. There was a woman there that legitimately in a number of ways was really supportive of me.
That's what makes the fact that it all seemed to evaporate so fast fuck with me. I really don't think I was in the wrong so I can't internalize it. But I also can't say "Fuck those haters, I was just too cool for the room!1!"
I wish I could just wipe it away. Just forget it all or compartmentalize it and move on. But I just feel this huge absence. Every morning I wake up and it just hits me "Oh, this is the life I'm in now. That happened."
I just can't understand people sometimes. I'm not saying I'm borderline or anything, but I can't understand how people can just cut people out. It's something I can barely do even with toxic people. So the idea of people of moving on after knowingly having shared decent memories and ties with someone seems so alien to me.
It's a rough one, you know?
You almost need people to care about you before you can even like yourself.
But liking yourself first is probably the secret to keeping people around anyways.
But you just can't do that.
People say it's so easy as "Just love yourself. Do things for you." But those people probably don't even have to worry about that sort of situation. It's really easy to say that sort of thing when they have a positive feedback loop going in the first place. Some people just have no idea the kind of state someone gets to when they just would like to mean enough to a single person. I don't think it's even human to just be happy with yourself, or enjoy solitude.
I still enjoy some of the memories, the new music I was exposed to, the memes and joking and camaraderie at times. But it's stained by this bleak knowledge. I can't even say I find the memories worth it anymore, because they're loomed over by the fact of how easily it went away and how little it all meant. It's not even bittersweet. It's just bitter anymore.
It worked out in the end. I have at least some people in my life now, but it just stays at this nagging feeling.
