I wish I could just wipe it away. Just forget it all or compartmentalize it and move on. But I just feel this huge absence. Every morning I wake up and it just hits me "Oh, this is the life I'm in now. That happened."
It's something I can barely do even with toxic people.
This is a clue. You do not have to let people prove beyond 50 chances that they aren't a good element in your life. And if you do that (I have been there), then that's probably 48 too many chances/ flags/ disappointments. You've got to find your own self that doesn't hold on to negative elements just to try to wring out the minimal thing you crave. Don't be a beggar for love, amity, or acceptance. You're not a bad person if you do - but you don't need to do that. You'll feel far better if you can identify negative drags on your energy and cut them, rather than sticking it out for good-hearted reasons. Learn to listen to your intuition, and to hone it.
But liking yourself first is probably the secret to keeping people around anyways.
But you just can't do that.
You get it, but you don't want to get it. Like, love, honor, and respect yourself first. If you do that, you'll have better discernment and will better gauge connection. It's not about, "how do I ensure people I like stick around?" - it's about valuing what you have to offer and identifying whether your draw to people/a person is worth your deep investment, and understanding why you're drawn through a self-aware lens.
When I went through my own reckoning, I ultimately analyzed whether my efforts to create or preserve intimacy with certain people were respectful to myself. After a hard inventory, I cut out 95% of the people in my life. That wasn't easy, and occasionally I still have an urge to reach out to someone I once knew. But then I re-center, remember why I took the actions I did, and so far, after remembering why I cut them - and now free of the dysfunctional reasons I kept them to begin with - I haven't reached ou, even though I have fond memories or felt (was) very intimately connected with them at one time.
And one measure I use to assess whether it is worth reaching out again is whether, or how, I have heard from them. No? That says something. If yes - Is it genuine interest in me? Do I feel valued, or do they want something? Am I just feeling nostalgia or a familiar tug (for approval or whatever) that I know isn't healthy?
But to do any of that, you HAVE to develop a better sense of self.
Appreciate it. It's just... I don't know how to even do that. I obviously don't enjoy it. But I can't... not think.
My job is laborious, and I go for walks. I'm active enough. I don't know the answer, or if there is one.
I wish I could just enjoy the moment, but I haven't for a while. I don't like being this way. I'm not OCD, but I generally can't stop this sort of recycling of memories and over-analyzing.
That's called
rumination, babe. And the link I gave is just a high-level definition. I think they have suggestions about dealing with it, but I linked it for the definition. It is worth seeking out more in-depth discussions and tactics. Because it is debilitating, but it CAN be improved...or even basically eliminated. Those thoughts - that revisiting things over and over - is damaging you and in your way.
I've kind of stopped offering specific advice/techniques, but for you, I'm going to recommend meditation practice. Just the simplest - sitting and focusing your mind literally on the experience of breathing in through your nose and out. It can be a little surprising to try to zero your entire mind on that sensation - it's simultaneously harder, easier, more frustrating, and more calming than it might sound. And maybe someone starting out can rid themselves of everything else for just 2 seconds, 20 seconds, not at all, or 2 minutes - it doesn't matter. It's low risk and high reward to try. You can search combinations of Buddhist and breathing and meditation (or skip the Buddhist if it bothers you). There are tons of resources for it. And for an app to help I recommend Insight Timer. I pay for it bc I sometimes do live sessions, but there is a ton there for free. Quieting your mind, even for 20 seconds at a time to start, could potentially alleviate a lot of that feeling of burden weighing on you. I can say that this practice, along with other things, saved my life at one point. Didn't solve everything, but it was one very useful tool in the bag, and helped set the stage for other things.
The noise can be deafening. Finding and getting comfortable with a couple minutes of quiet can be astonishing.
And as I've done before, I recommend this
book, if not now, then at some point. I may have linked a place to download it for free earlier in this thread. Branden is old-school and was talking about this in the 50s, and he had zero interest in woo-woo concepts of self-esteem and the like. His approach is very rational.
And I cannot vouch for this whole
video, but it is one that seems to touch on some of the book's concepts. And
here is apparently the author reading the book. I'm more a fan of reading new concepts, but I know some prefer aural, so I added it. (And I just started listening to it now as I found it for you - and wow, I'm more into listening to it than I'd expected to be. There's about 5 minutes of intro, but it's worth the time to get into it. Around about 13 minutes it gets real and after that is packed with so much. But the intro is important, do the whole thing.
RELAX. GIVE HER A MINUTE. I AM NOT GOING TO KILL YOU. I KNOW I LOOK LIKE AN UGLY OGRE WHO EATS BABIES. SO WILL YOU IN 3O YEARS. SHUT UP.