How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Benzo Samurai]

I'm obsessed addict of Bryan Dunn, king of pol
guys.
please help me

this is the rythm of the night

 

[WTBOnlineFather]

I don't want to date American women, either. For multiple reasons. I grew up absorbing the value of "date to marry" so I find everything people do in this country to be a bunch of insincere, retarded games, and the mouse ain't worth the cheese anyway if you know what I mean.

I hate to be a downer but unless you venture out of the Western cultural sphere altogether it's no better outside of America either.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

In other news, as time goes on I consider more whether I want to remain in the USA.

But where would you go? Seriously. Perhaps I'm overlooking some no name countries; but Europe is out for a multitude of reasons, no? As much of a meme asian countries are, I'd say those are also out. Are there some western countries that I don't think about that would be enticing?

I don't want to date American women, either. For multiple reasons. I grew up absorbing the value of "date to marry" so I find everything people do in this country to be a bunch of insincere, retarded games, and the mouse ain't worth the cheese anyway if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean. It's to a point I'm considering moving from my current job in a year or so to try and find a better dating market. But that seems like a pointless endeavor. Further, what place isn't fucked up? Perhaps if you're into non-white women you've more options; but all of those countries seem like shit holes.

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

I hate to be a downer but unless you venture out of the Western cultural sphere altogether it's no better outside of America either.

Well, it is better, but it's still fucked. But I'd be willing to do that anyway.

Regardless of women, quality of life in Europe is just plain better and I'm not going to argue with patriotic Americans who can't separate the superiority of the nations' founding ethos with its present-day economic and social state.

But where would you go? Seriously. Perhaps I'm overlooking some no name countries; but Europe is out for a multitude of reasons, no? As much of a meme asian countries are, I'd say those are also out. Are there some western countries that I don't think about that would be enticing?

I know what you mean. It's to a point I'm considering moving from my current job in a year or so to try and find a better dating market. But that seems like a pointless endeavor. Further, what place isn't fucked up? Perhaps if you're into non-white women you've more options; but all of those countries seem like shit holes.

Have you ever been to a relative shithole?

Do you know how amazing it is buy extremely cheap things on the American dollar at them?

The rest of the world isn't one big shithole, and even the shitholes generally have modern cities to begin with anyway. Many "third-world" countries have nicer subways than NYC.

 

[Betonhaus]

It kind of bothers me that I was rejected from the forces due to my bad hearing (from a genetic defect from birth). It's like, I never had a choice on the matter even if I had tried my hardest.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

It kind of bothers me that I was rejected from the forces due to my bad hearing (from a genetic defect from birth). It's like, I never had a choice on the matter even if I had tried my hardest.

Shit. Normally you can get away with lying about those but bad hearing will always come up. Cheer up. Even if you lose everything, you can probably get away with being an illegal beach bum in LA. That's my personal plan.

 

[Betonhaus]

Shit. Normally you can get away with lying about those but bad hearing will always come up. Cheer up. Even if you lose everything, you can probably get away with being an illegal beach bum in LA. That's my personal plan.

I figured they would be making allowances due to their recruiting crisis but so far this seems to be something they won't budge on.

I was really hopeful of this as it would've gotten my life back on track in multiple ways. I don't know what would be a similar solution that would be accepting of my hearing loss.

 

[dick brain]

Job training has been going much smoother than I expected and things are looking up but I am so fucking tired. I basically haven't had time to feel things lately, which is good and bad. I have a rough couple days coming up but after that I'll be on my own, making good money and away from all the negativity in my life. If I can stick it out even for just a year I'll be in such a good position I can't even really articulate it, I just need to keep moving forward and not fuck it up.

We're all gonna make it.

 

[Nick Obre]

Woke up this morning and had a cry. I think it all hit me today that just moving away and cutting the toxic fags out of my life wasn't the cure-all i thought it was going to be, and that I'm actually legitimately clinically depressed. I've been feeling emotionally dead and distant lately with a few high spots (finding out i'm gonna be an uncle, pre-marital bliss, et cet), but thankfully I do have a supportive family of choice and my other half knows the struggle just as much as I do. We're fine with each other, but everything else is sort of killing us atm.

Wherever you go, there you are.

It's good to change environments, and better yet to distance yourself from the people who hurt you and cause you problems.
But that's just a start, the true path to improvement leads inward.

Hope you feel better soon, lad.

Regardless of women, quality of life in Europe is just plain better

For one, there's more cheese.

The rest of the world isn't one big shithole, and even the shitholes generally have modern cities to begin with anyway. Many "third-world" countries have nicer subways than NYC.

The Chilean (Santiago) subway is amazing. The Argentinian (Buenos Aires) one is comparable to NYC in how shit and decrepit it is.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

I figured they would be making allowances due to their recruiting crisis but so far this seems to be something they won't budge on.

I was really hopeful of this as it would've gotten my life back on track in multiple ways. I don't know what would be a similar solution that would be accepting of my hearing loss.

Foreign Legion maybe? You could also green card it and go south legally in other ways. You said you were IT in some way and that means you've got an out. Chin up.

 

[DavidS877]

I have a heat pump, a year or two ago it was having problems starting in cold weather. Diagnostics told me it was the outside fan motor sensor, which of course needs a new motor. I bought one, set it aside until it finished failing. This winter it worked for a while and finally stopped entirely. So I gathered the tools and went to remove the fan from the motor.... stuck tight, checked on-line, "remove fan"... well, that's helpful. Turns out the motor shaft is not stainless steel, so it wasn't coming off, ever. Ordered new fan, maybe next weekend it won't rain and I'll be able to finish the project.

Took longer than expected to arrive. But all swapped and working fine. Dabbed a bit of corrosion protection on all the rusty spots on the unit to help preserve it a few more years.

Tomorrow: Drywall skim coating, also known as making a giant mess.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

@Friend of Dorothy Parker Do you have a rival company you can work for doing the work you do now if they keep on pushing you to do more? If they are not told no these suits will continue to try to scrimp and save and get more work for less. Anyway, even if you do find 8 hours an acceptable amount of time to work in a day surely the realization that after you have had your first 8 you must do it 4 more times before you get 2 short days rest and then it's back to the start of the week again.

I'm not interested in moving. I work like I work because I have goals and am in a position now that they might be realizable. ...the potential rewards are high. If they turn out not to be, then yes, I'm marketable and will seek other opportunities. But right now I'm interested in personal development and advancement where I am. The next level is a significant enough jump to aim to get there, and sooner than typical.

I know corporations are ruthless, bloodless monsters. I'll never again take any sense of identity or worth from where I work or the position I have, but I am not good at complacency. I could do a "fine" job in 40 hrs/week. And in a way I admire people who go for years in that mode - do what's required, deliver okay, do the thing. But I'm not built like that constitutionally. So now I ensure the basic is as flawless as I can make it, and then pile on top the noise-making efforts, which is where I get energy. That's not a lesson or recommendation for anyone - just fleshing out why I don't feel under a yoke, for the most part.

To be honest from an early as I can remember I have always found the mundane life and work so utterly boring that I have never found anything in that world that I would enjoy doing. My brain screams for something more interesting

What is it about the concept of "work" that puts you off so much?

Some people find fulfillment in it; some people see a job as a strictly transactional means to an end. You seem to sit in neither place and are troubled by it conceptually.

it does little to improve my mood because I have the nights chores and then the next days work to crush all hope.

Mental discipline to help keep those thoughts in check is possible. And the more you see your power over them, the less they tend even to show up and challenge you.

Glad you have your cat and seek the sun, though. Try to be present for those minutes, blocking out the other, and maybe try thinking of a nice moment like that when you are wanting to fall asleep. Just keep stopping and turning away the negative thoughts or places your mind might fly to when you really want sleep.

Additionally when you are young you see the world as being full of opportunity and wonder. It makes the smaller moments in life mean more. When you get older you are essentially locked into one route that you are taking through your existence and if that path is miserable then what does it matter what exists around you.

You can do what you want; if you're not being forced into something, it is a choice, whether active or passive. So is doing nothing. That's one perspective from a certain age, anyway.

Sometimes in despairing moments the best thing is to just focus on literal physical actions; live conscious of your actions. That's a choice, and it's an interesting experiment, to make an effort (many efforts, not a one-off bs attempts) to stop shuffling along semi-conscious of the world and yourself/your actions.

If what's next is either terrifying or - maybe more on point - soul-crushingly dreary and endless, sometimes shutting off all thought about those dreary things up ahead is the one way to appreciate what's right here. And maybe that means skipping a chore and not struggling with that. The world won't end if you miss a garbage pickup or leave a cup in the sink. And if it brings you down that you habitually put your key where you can find it, then make a point to put it somewhere else. You're not a prisoner.

It can take enormous effort to help make a larger shift in perspective. Years, maybe, even, but it's worth the effort. And it will go better learning how to shut off that voice/view saying it's all hopeless, why bother, nothing changes, it sucks.

And logically speaking, if everything is shit there's not much to lose by "wasting" your time attempting to force-change thought patterns and seeing what happens - and at least it's a change from the routine.

I think my only hope to recover is a year off of working but even if I could afford it I would eat through all of my savings.

And? You can make it back. And would it really require every dime? Maybe it would. But maybe it's worth it. ...just thinking, not advocating. But it's a thing to quantify and think about rather than assume dark conclusions about.

the difficulty and drama I'll have to go through in handing my notice in.

People quit jobs everyday. And everyone else goes on. I mean, I'd recommend preparing your next moves first, for yourself (planning is good), but other people's bothers or momentary reactions at you doing what you need to do are not your problem (assuming they are not your literal dependents). The fact that other people exist with or without you is not actually a bad thing. Don't shackle yourself when no one is forcing or even asking you to.

Are you seeing a pattern? I am.

My life is actually on the road to getting back together thankfully. My old habits and instincts are returning to me now. I used to have a lot more going for me in ways that would make most posters here seethe if they knew and I could have been rich. But, I lost it all and for the past 3 years, I spent clawing and then wallowing in a pit made by my naivete and oiled by stress and paranoia. For some reason my badge at work isn't doing right anymore and I looked at my picture and I realized just how much had changed me. I didn't look sad or depressed even, I just looked retarded and out of it. Nobody would ever say I looked like that before at any slight glance. I'm glad I can get a replacement.

Been there. Climbing out of the pits of Hell is amazing, though, even if not always a straight line. The good news is that snowballing can happen upward as well as downward. (Though it doesn't have to - a slow and steady climb is (imo/ime) the better pace until you're ready.)

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Walked out of work today and had one of those moments where I looked around at crowds of people and couples all hanging out and realized that's probably not ever going to be me.
It hit harder than it usually does.
I know sometimes I like to be the one to say not to look at the bigger picture and just enjoy your life, but I really do hate how alien things feel now.
I could say it's all America being a low trust society and it's the elites fault, but honestly that's at least partially me projecting at this point.
Just tired of noticing how not normal I am and trying hard to still be sociable and seeing no results.
People appreciate me at my job, they don't do anything to fuck with me, they're even kind. But I know I'm not "one of them".
I'm both tired of the gaslighting in society telling young men we need to change every single aspect of ourselves to achieve basic respect and love. But I'm also tired of knowing some of it's just me but not being able to compromise or give up enough of myself to truly blend in. I don't even think that would work at this point.
I'm lucky to have a couple really close bros who keep me grounded and grateful, but shit gets hard sometimes.
So many people mulling about politics or not being able to buy a house. All I want is some friends and to feel like I'd be missed if I died.
As questionable as some of the people I used to hang around with were, I at least do remember enjoying their company. I do miss that feeling of just going out and feeling at peace with a group, despite how in the end it probably wasn't the best for me. I really do miss that feeling of being alive and really enjoying at least one day every week, instead of just grinding and trying to find any way to avoid the shitty thoughts for five seconds.

It's always been this way, and it probably will always kind of be. Ignore me being a faggot there. It's not the end of the world, but social isolation really fucking sucks sometimes.

And just going to double post like a bitch.

Been taking a lot of 'memberberries lately and nostalgia really is the most bittersweet feeling. People act like it's either the best or worst thing in the world but it's the sharpest double edged sword, isn't it?
Thinking about playing Kingdom Hearts as a kid and the soundtrack has just been stuck in my head on repeat the past couple of days.
I notice that while things were objectively better in a lot of ways back then, it's not really the music/shows/games that makes me or others nostalgic. It's everything around them.
Thinking there was a time where I had more confidence than bravado and made friends relatively easily, where I didn't have to work half my waking hours and was taken care of, being around a family that was much happier and closer and richer in all the ways one should be "rich" despite having significantly less material wealth, and having the rest of my life to achieve whatever I wanted.
I think nostalgia mostly is just people wanting to go back to a time where they didn't want as much.
I could go back and play those games but I know they wouldn't really feel the same anymore. What made those things special were the fact that I didn't even think they were back then. Trying to enjoy them the same way would be just fetishizing the past.
Damn being born into the tailend of one of the most prosperous eras of human history as well as having an objectively decent, happy childhood on top of that.
It hurts but in a good way.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

The rest of the world isn't one big shithole

I suppose I just think of murder-factories ala south america. Africa is out, asian countries are universally shitty, europe is fucked, russia?

 

[Benzo Samurai]

ok kiwis, i am doing a bit better, i went for a 4 hour mountain walk in the middle of the night, listened to an audiobook about ancient greece, then i cleaned out some trash and did some computer stuff.

i really think these long walks reinvigorate me and helps me cope without seething and dilating

 

[Betonhaus]

ok kiwis, i am doing a bit better, i went for a 4 hour mountain walk in the middle of the night, listened to an audiobook about ancient greece, then i cleaned out some trash and did some computer stuff.

i really think these long walks reinvigorate me and helps me cope without seething and dilating

I think I should be doing more walks, but I already slipped on the ice and broke my ankle last year so I'd like it if the paths were not so slippery.

It kind of feels like I've reached a vicious cycle and i don't know how to get out of it. I get passed over for job prospects and I'm not able to explore most others due to my work history and depression and poor health, but since I don't have a job I cannot afford any means of correcting that - like going back to school or moving or going to the gym or getting assistance. Every time I leave the house costs me at least $10, and I just don't have any money to spare. I've been borrowing money and selling stuff to make up what income support doesn't cover, but i can't do that indefinitely. I can't just get a bus ticket to god knows where because I have many obligations that I cannot afford to offload. Joining the military was supposed to be an opportunity to deal with all of that at once, especially since it has signing bonuses and mandatory exercise. But because I'm mostly deaf in one ear I don't meet a hard cut-off, and even attempting an extremely slim theoretical chance of getting an exception requires paying a doctor a hundred dollars or more to fill out forms, plus waiting six months to clear myself of antidepressants. I'm not aware of any other type of opportunity that would pay my way and train me.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

Having some sort of mental breakdown- really unsettling.

 

[Betonhaus]

Having some sort of mental breakdown- really unsettling.

First one is always pretty rough. Is there a cat cafe or puppy store you can visit?

 

[WTBOnlineFather]

Dear fellow speds of Kiwi Farms, rejoice in our shared plight. Know that if we had good social skills, we would be far too powerful for this world. Instead, let us be thankful for the gifts bestowed upon us in the form of our mechabrains and the analytical and cerebral skills we do have. May we be accepted by the world and taken in by its society as we are, the way God made us.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

Dear fellow speds of Kiwi Farms, rejoice in our shared plight. Know that if we had good social skills, we would be far too powerful for this world. Instead, let us be thankful for the gifts bestowed upon us in the form of our mechabrains and the analytical and cerebral skills we do have. May we be accepted by the world and taken in by its society as we are, the way God made us.

If we're so smart then why aren't we good at everything?