How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Weird intrusive thought I keep having: There is genuinely nothing wrong with my situation except my own traitorous brain, keeping me in an endless loop of inaction and self-sabotage. If an independent agent was dropped inside my brain with the same goals I have, they could likely speedrun all of it in a month, tops. In fact, if I was dropped into someone else's brain to follow their script, I would have no problems doing the same shit. It all comes back to fear of vulnerability with others and rejection, which are both unavoidable in the pursuit of intimacy.

I honestly feel like a rapist whenever I even think about the idea of myself in a relationship with a woman, like by necessity it would be unwilling because nobody would ever want to be with me. It really baffles me to wonder where this inferiority complex comes from. Oh wait. I was practically raised on an internet diet of otherizing women, I can remember consuming "forever alone" culture online when I was thirteen - ugh. Turns out maybe teaching a kid that romantic relationships are unattainable might make them think that romantic relationships are unattainable, to the point of never even trying! I spent my entire teen years anxious about how I was wasting them. Don't let your fucking kids use the internet, please.

Wow that got out of hand, sorry. My blog grows longer every time. Changing subject completely from the neurotic zoomer cringecel rabbit hole, I continue to love the gym. It's pure self improvement, literally all I have to do is show up every day and move metal around for an hour. And that lets me lift more and get bigger like it's a fucking video game.

Jamila said:
Really not good. People say reach out whenever you need to talk and when you do they don't respond. I guess it's my fault for having nothing to do and no other people to talk to. Oh well.
Click to expand...
I really wish I could read minds to see if an invite like that is genuine (as in, there are people I am strictly thrilled to receive messages from and I'm like that to them) or if it's just some shit they say out of pity and they sigh every time I buzz them.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: dick brain, obsdj, DenseDeerFather and 5 others
eatler said:
Do you frequent the women hate thread?
Click to expand...
I don't hate women. i am simply afraid of them, lol.

In fact, I would strongly advise everybody to avoid any sort of incel culture as much as possible, especially moreso if you're younger. There's no possible benefit from engaging in it at all. I genuinely believe that the otherization of women into an unattainable goal rather than just "my peers of the opposite sex" shocked my puny little child mind into paralysis around them and crippled me socially (not that I would've been a social butterfly without it, but it certainly didn't help).
 
Last edited:
  • Feels
Reactions: Kulmeister, DenseDeerFather, AnOminous and 4 others
Harbinger of Kali Yuga said:
I want people to get angry. Very, very angry. Things won't get better until blood is in the streets, and I don't want it to be mine.
Click to expand...
my... my... my billions.
1711517537261.png
 
  • Like
  • DRINK!
  • Feels
Reactions: The Feline Solution, bile demon, Nigor and 5 others
beejams said:
I don't hate women. i am simply afraid of them, lol.
Click to expand...
In that case yeah I feel you. It’s not a just you problem I’m finding it infinitely harder to communicate with the average person and family, let alone women. I think everyone is still bug brained from the Internet, I’m hoping with the riddance of tik tok there will be less horror stories about awful things and people can just be normal again. :optimistic:
 
  • Like
  • Optimistic
  • Agree
Reactions: dick brain, Yamamura, DenseDeerFather and 3 others
Today was a day I'd be dreading and my worst fear is staring me directly in the face. The NHS has decided to stop giving me a crucial treatment I need to be able to have a regular life. Their reason? "Changes" in how the NHS Trusts distribute drugs, which is the same excuse they gave me when we applied to get ADHD meds on the NHS too. It basically means: "We don't have the funds and unless your a migrant or a troon we don't care."

I'm livid. This treatment I need is for a condition that people take their own lives over because the suffering it causes makes death a better alternative.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: dick brain, The Feline Solution, Local Fed and 11 others
Saw this thread again and I forgot that I posted here already, so I looked for my messages, kept questioning why I would I go TMI on here (in short, "cringe").
Other than that, I'm feeling fine after a short period of feeling blue, ever since posting that post here I've had both bad luck and a bit of being an idiot, but I've learned to take better care of myself and I finally feel decently again after a long while.

I'm still attempting to learn 3D to do some animations, and even if it's TMI and I should take Curtis Holt's advise on learning 3D ("show don't tell") my end goal would be to make a web series about Command & Conquer (along other popular abandoned series).
It's autistic, but I don't care. I also made some more animations since my first time posting and flexing here, but they're nothing to write home about (and why would I flex on the KF forums of all places).
I'm also still happy that I'm studying some languages just for the sake of it, although progress has been terribly slow.

TBH this forum has been a good way of venting and learning some things, I still don't understand all the hate for this forum even I don't agree with some users' takes, those are just word on the internet, big deal.
also ever since looking at the goonclown thread I thank the Lord that I manage not to become one, seriously what the fuck is wrong with these people holy shit.

While talking about "feeling blue" I recalled this old video:

and this one as well:


Also, there was this old video talking about how it's never too late to do anything, and it used real life examples like DaVinci making his first notable invention while being relatively old for the era, as well as others. It made me feel better about me but also motivated to go on.
 
Last edited:
  • Feels
  • Like
Reactions: DenseDeerFather, Friend of Dorothy Parker, Carnavoyeur and 2 others
Imposter syndrome hits again, I was looking at manga authors and all of them debuted in their 18s with the hits coming in the 20s. I dont know how people cope with the idea that theyre stuck in life doing the same thing over and over again unable to do what they want in life while there are others who became godly figures at what they wanted at a younger age. I would very much like to learn contentment with mediocrity and failure, I would die of an overdose if anybody sold that as supplements. If only I had more time and discipline, desk jobs and industrial work fucking sucks, it removes the humanity from you.
 
  • Feels
Reactions: (((I am NOT a jew))), dick brain, Reversal and 5 others
Georgio Cocklord said:
Imposter syndrome hits again, I was looking at manga authors and all of them debuted in their 18s with the hits coming in the 20s. I dont know how people cope with the idea that theyre stuck in life doing the same thing over and over again unable to do what they want in life while there are others who became godly figures at what they wanted at a younger age. I would very much like to learn contentment with mediocrity and failure, I would die of an overdose if anybody sold that as supplements. If only I had more time and discipline, desk jobs and industrial work fucking sucks, it removes the humanity from you.
Click to expand...
Many great artists got their break late in life. Some even started their art careers late in life.
Just work on your skills if that's what you want, and try get your stuff out there.

OR, and this is not the "nice" advice people usually give

If you determine you don't really have the time or the dedication to actually pursue it, then redirect your efforts, energy, and more importantly, attention to whatever else it is that's more important to you.

What matters, I think, is just not to simply do nothing.
 
  • Like
  • Agree
  • Feels
Reactions: The Feline Solution, Phalanges Mycologist, DenseDeerFather and 6 others
Pretty good but I'm in a weird mood. If I had to describe it would be that passing of time is a bittersweet feeling, you've got the uncertain future to look forward too but can't help but feel like you've lost the past that you can never get back.

I'm facing the big 3 0 and I find myself a bit restless. I've been suck in a rut since COVID, working the same job, haven't been on a date in 3 years and I feel like I've wasted these years going just through the motions. I've let my social life atrophy, I don't go out all that much and have even turned down invitations just out of laziness. I have to remind myself that I'm only 29 and 30 is still pretty young but I can't help but shake the thought that this type of thinking got me here. Maybe my instincts are telling me it's time to settle down and start a family idk.

It's not all bad, I've made some changes lately. I'm pretty healthy and I've saved up a good amount of money. I'm going to Amsterdam with some of the of the guys from work soon. I'm going to buy a car but that'll come in the next few months and there's a woman in work who I'm sure is into me. That last part has been on my mind lately but I feel like I've forgot how a relationship works.

You know, writing this down has helped me. I always had a problem with living in my own head so shouting into the void makes me feel better.
 
  • Feels
  • Like
Reactions: dick brain, 56 others, Carpenter Trout and 6 others
It's pretty meh at the moment. With holidays soon I will have a couple of days off which is nice, so I can just hang around and relax. Got a new office chair today. The one I had before did its service for almost seven years, so it was due time to replace it. New one seems nice so far. Got my company car a bit earlier than anticipated. It's a nice car with a lot of bells and whistles, unfortunately the parking situation here is ass.

I wish I could find another place to live, since the neighbours are getting on my nerves with all the noise they are making. Really need to see a doctor for my tinnitus. Probably will need a hearing aid sooner or later, but that's how the cookie crumbles.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DenseDeerFather, Triple Flutz and eatler
  1. Have a job interview at a hardware store Friday morning. I'm glad to get an interview for a paying job after volunteering for a while.
  2. Have been reorganizing my bookshelf recently; weeded some books today, and I'm planning on donating them to my local library.
  3. Going to read TR's memoir of his Rough Rider years soon. I like TR, so I'm hoping it'll be good.
  4. Planning on upping my exercise regimen soon; for exercise I bike, I walk, I do curls, and I do push-ups. I am thinking I'll do up to three of the four categories in one day; most likely I'll leave out biking since it's been very windy in my area recently.
 
  • Feels
  • Like
Reactions: dick brain, Local Fed, Nikes_JustDoIt and 7 others
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back