How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I so badly want to go for a walk but it's been so cold and icy for so long. Tomorrow is supposed to be warm tho. When I'm working I'll have plenty of time to get to the gym and back before my shift which will help
 
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My flight from Washington to Vancouver's a fucking Boeing 737.
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MAX.
 
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My daughter's cat is almost 18 years old, has liver cancer, hyperthyroidism, and high blood pressure. She is on medication for everything but the cancer. It is slow growing and the oncologist said, considering her age, chemotherapy would probably kill her. They got most of it, but couldn't get all of it. She seems to be doing fine so far (eating, drinking, eliminating, grooming, sleeping, climbing, cuddling, loving - all normal), but we know it is just a matter of time.
 
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Well I was doing alright there for a while.
Been a while since I had a doomer wall of text so here goes:

Met a hot, slightly off chick at work. Talked about anime a bit. She seemed moderately interested in me. Asked her if she wanted to get some coffee. She accepted. We were down for it for about a week. Turns out I had work on Easter (the day we were planning to go) in the morning so I asked if she could just move the time up a bit by an hour and a half a couple days before. Said she couldn't do that because she had a "meeting". Asked about dinner. Said she probably couldn't do that either. So things fell through.
Today I asked if she would like to reschedule. She said she'd "have to think about it". When I essentially told her I don't like not knowing where things are with people and tried to get an answer she gave me something about "she's trying to keep her work life and private life separate".
So yeah... I'm done. Coworker tried to cheer me up and tell me she wasn't worth it and how she sucked at her job. And she definitely had some of the annoying type of autistic traits rather than the better (she only liked classical music, hated all modern music and said Inuyasha was pronounced In-a-shu-waa...). But still.
Me right now:
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Tired of my life feeling like an extended version of the Charlie Brown kicking the football gag.
This sort of thing has happened before. I'm going into full incel mode right now but I'm just kind of sick of hoes and their bullshit. I know if some of the cat ladies from Beauty Parlor were here they'd have to chime in with a "Well if this is a constant thing maybe it's just you, sweety".
And I'm sure some sigma bros would kick in with "Bruh just hit the gym, make the big bucks and follow god. Than you'll be swarming in it."
Fuck that.
I'm sick of internalizing shit. There's fucking addicts, abusers and fucking pedophiles who can land women. I'm not some freak that doesn't deserve some basic courtesy.
But it's not even that really. It's the fact that I'm tired of people not committing to anything they say. If you can't do something or if you don't want me around, tell me. Sick of the pussyfooting around and general indecisive sophistry. This extends to everyone else, too.
Just say no or commit to something.
I know it's just a girl. But it's not. It's everyone. I see this shit everywhere. It's like actual men died out and now all that's left are chatty faggots.
I just notice almost everyone at all times anymore is just lying to everyone. No one can give a straight answer or be honest about who they are or where they stand. Just general fucking faggotry everywhere.
I shouldn't be this misanthropic, but I just realize after a certain time how shallow and empty all this shit is.
I'm getting tired of the smalltalk and pageantries of coworkers and people in general. Don't see the point anymore of entertaining people who will shit on me the second it's convenient for them or will give me the runaround. And I don't see the point in engaging in the same soft lispy faggotry semantics of telling them I don't want to deal with them. I'm at a point where I can do that without repercussions. And I'm at a state where I don't really care if they are any.
It's like it's whatever. But that was one thing I really thought I had going for me that was picking my mood up. Kind of weird how one thing can just throw your entire world out of whack and lose morale, or make you notice other shit that's really grated on you for forever.
I'm very lucky to have a couple close friends who keep me afloat. Just wish modern western social life wasn't such a shitshow. Everyone shits on NEETS or weebs who use escapism to cope with life but they often forget that trying to touch grass so many times is why they became shutins in the first place.
 
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(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
"she's trying to keep her work life and private life separate".
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Sounds like you dodged a bullet to be honest. Work relationships are hard to keep afloat especially if you have a hard time keeping regular relationships afloat. I super empathize with you because most of what you’ve written has been something I thought of or encountered in my own life. You do have one thing though.
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I'm very lucky to have a couple close friends
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You have this and I can’t even say I have that so you must be doing something right. Have you thought about taking up an art class or a hobby, maybe even going to a cafe by yourself?
 
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eatler said:
I super empathize with you because most of what you’ve written has been something I thought of or encountered in my own life. You do have one thing though.
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Thank you. I kind of had a moment of dread after I hit post that people were going to get annoyed because I was kind of going incel mode there. Nice to know I'm not alone.
eatler said:
You have this and I can’t even say I have that so you must be doing something right.
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Thanks again, man. They're two ride or die niggas. One I met through a former friend and the other I just know through work who a coworker basically played friend matchmaker for us. Two very different guys in certain ways but in a lot of ways they're my main reason for existing. So I didn't really do anything. It just happened.
eatler said:
Have you thought about taking up an art class or a hobby, maybe even going to a cafe by yourself?
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Dude I'll be honest, I'm in a small town with nothing to do except drink. I've tried eating out and going to the cafes/bars by myself but it just hits me with this awfully desolate lonliness comparable to this scene.
I will be moving soon to a much bigger city with stuff to do so there's that but part of me just thinks maybe I'm not a social guy. I won't claim I got the tism' but I'm just off enough that I can't really feel apart of the crowd, but not so weird that I can't notice it. I bought into the psyop of the last couple years of thinking I had to be this social animal to succeed in life but I've been very recently relearning to enjoy sitting at home with a good movie, album or anime, which used to pretty much give me my happiest moments throughout my life. That might make me a loser in a lot of the world's eyes but I get so much more enjoyment getting drunk with one friend watching old movies than I do going to a bar or anything anymore.
I do have hobbies of art and want to make films/write. Just with the nature of western media right now, I've been dejected so much that I haven't seen the point of making anything.
The gym is still the one normie thing I really love. I'm just working so much now that when I'm off I'm too exhausted to want to do anything laborious.

I don't know. I guess just being in my twenties I feel like I should have more of a social/romantic/sexual life. I know people say it's never too late but I think the 20s really are considered the "fun" decade for most people. The fact that I feel like a wizard right now and always feeling like I'm doing something wrong has been weighing on me. I know I should be "working on myself" or following a career or whatever but sometimes I just want to feel like a normal guy with friends and a girl. Don't think that's too much to ask. Just get tired of dealing with the faggotry that is people.
I guess the shit that hits me the most is I just hate the level of complacency of people around here. I was walking with my coworker and he was watching some shitty TikToks... and was eating that shit up, while talking about what he wants to Doordash for the seventh day in a row and then being surprised he's broke each month despite being a manager.
I just see a lot of people around me happy to be wallowing in shit and then being surprised their life is hollow. I have goals and actually want to be a guy who can respect himself but don't know anyway to actually achieve any of the things I want, as it seems they become more blockaded day by day.

Sorry for the long rant. Just kind of needed to clarify some things for why I was so pissed in the other post. I know it's just a girl at the end of the day, but it was another thing that reminded me of how empty everything else is around me right now. Still doing good and fighting the good fight even if it seems pointless most days. Hopefully a change of scenery will do me well.
 
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