How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

It's the beginning of yet another spring in the great state of Ohio. It is currently 71 degrees and we're dealing with a long line of storm cells that stretch clear down south to Mississippi. I'm not a particular fan of tornadoes, but I do enjoy a good strong storm. It's even more an indication of spring in that we're forecasting snow on Thursday. Getting tired of bipolar weather, but we should even out soon enough. On the bright side, because of the severity of the weather, we ended up not needing to go to work today. Probably for the best with how nasty things are starting to get.

I guess it could be worse. I'm looking at potentially getting off second shift since there's a position coming open at the end of the school year. Old dude is retiring and I'm gunning for that job. My wife and I have been having some issues relating to our work schedules. I usually only get to spend significant amounts of time with her on the weekends. Not really conducive for a couple trying to have a kid. She's been ornery lately and we've had a couple arguments over small stuff, so I'm hoping that switching shifts will help us. Hopefully I get it, but union and seniority rules might be my downfall. I've got a pretty good report with our facility manager and personnel director, so I might have a leg up above any other internal candidates. I just gotta keep telling myself that I'll get the job. Manifesting destiny never hurt anyone, right?

The last two weekends I was not myself. I'm not sure what it was, but I just didn't feel like my normal self and it showed. I barely moved and lamented not getting anything done. I just had no will or energy for anything. Shit, I couldn't even muster up the energy to have sex. You know how people usually get that seasonal affective disorder when the autumn comes? For some reason, I'm the exact opposite, but the season changing isn't what is causing my depression. Things have just been so up and down lately. My mom has been having issues with multiple sclerosis, so I've been having to take on more responsibility and worry. She went for a cardiologist appointment this week and came back to tell me that the left ventricle of her heart is hardening. Hypertrophy I think it's called. The doctor told her it was "moderate" but that isn't exactly comforting. She's been working on getting better at exercise, drinking water, and managing stress, but there's always a setback somewhere. Maybe I'm just mentally drained from having to deal with everything and not have an outlet to let things out. Times like this make me wish I never stopped drinking, but that's a whole new can of worms I don't want to open.

Looking to have an OK week. Doesn't have to be good, just OK. If I can manage that, I'll be happy.
 
My brain is fried. i was having very poor call quality and was unable to continue customer facing time. I worked with tech support to troubleshoot the issue, and we found no solutions. so now I have to contact my ISP again, but the only things that I see could help would require the company to upgrade it's infrastructure.
 
You sound like a bugman. Resistance training and cardio are not mutually exclusive and if you're neglecting either one you're not healthy. Both foster a sense of agency and self-worth because both directly reward hard work with measurable and plainly visible results, but they're two different kinds of hard work.

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Go lift faggot.
Just what I needed. Time for a bit of cardio. I went way too hard this weekend on it. I don't feel fat, but man am I fat.

Will be less of a fag and lift later as well.
 
I have been on vacation one singular day and they made a 3,000 thousand dollar fuckup and two people walked out.
The higher administators are handling it very incompetently, I'm a little surprised how bad. It's not that I think I can do their jobs- it's that they clearly can't do my job.

Half of my vacation is just going to be me catching up on chores.... (:_(
 
I have been on vacation one singular day and they made a 3,000 thousand dollar fuckup and two people walked out.
The higher administators are handling it very incompetently, I'm a little surprised how bad. It's not that I think I can do their jobs- it's that they clearly can't do my job.

Half of my vacation is just going to be me catching up on chores.... (:_(
Could you demand more control over how your department is run, who gets hired and who gets pay raises?
 
Reading over the Ed Piskor shit right after ranting about the coworker on here the other day and just... depressed as fuck.
It seems borderline impossible to be an awkward guy into women nowadays. Especially if you want an art career.
I know this isn't the board for this but I didn't want to walk into the shitstorm on there.

I'm not gonna lie, I can relate to all the 13 Reason Why suicide note cringe shit I've been seeing lately on the headlines. It's cringe and gay and doesn't change anything but I get just feeling powerless and wanting people to know they hurt you.

I honestly don't know what to do. Art seems to be my one reason for existing. But I know just with how I am I'd get cancelled eventually. I'd say some joke, have some take, some random girl from a decade back will bring up a time I was cringe. This shit doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. It hit me the past couple of weeks with the Selton shit and now this, that if I did kill myself, famous or not, I would just have a bunch of grifters come along and use me as a stool for them to virtue signal, and the honest to god fact is a lot of people just wouldn't even care.

There doesn't seem to be any actual place for me in the world anymore. Growing up all I wanted to do was make stories.
Don't see a way to do what I want with my life and be happy so I feel miserable most of the time.
But I can't kill myself because I know it will effectively do nothing but hurt the very few people I have in my life, and will at best just be used as a way to prop others up.
Don't want to stay, but can't leave either.

This kind of feels like hell.
 
ride or die
If you have this in one or more friends, you have a lot. I don’t mean everything else doesn’t matter - not meaning that at all - but having anyone in your life who is there and looking out for you or connecting is a valuable thing.

Hopefully a change of scenery will do me well.
I hope being in a bigger, wider place gives you stimulation, vibrancy, pace, view, and inspiration. There are a lot of ways to live a great life, but if where you are and who you are surrounded by offers none of what you want, then maybe the bigger pond is what you need to find your path and energy (pardon the 70s California lingo ;) ).

…and just saw your last note. Please put living your actual life above the information influx about others.

Anyway, I turned down a voice call cause it was fucking 11:45pm and I had work at 6 the next day: Ghosted. Not a word since. She wrote as much of a novel as I did here daily, no issues no struggling. Then nothing, cause I didnt play flute. She probably had 10 other dudes in her DMs so whatever, but it hurts. Knowing you finally get close to escaping this dogshit life of dating apps and having to find community on a lolcow site instead of the other side of the bed.
From what I’ve observed, a lot of young women are, in self-preservation, adopting some “sometimes reasonable, sometimes arbitrary” codes of conduct/expectations much like some young men are doing. It can be hard to know what is an understandable or reasonable decision (it’s late, you have to work early, and you want to be 100% when talking for the first time, etc.) vs a “red flag” of uninterest and/ or disregard and/ or being insincere/ playing. Or maybe she was just a flake, but I have seen women doing what I see men do - trying to wrest some standards from confusion and trying to not be made a fool.

Seems like there are so many missed signals and not knowing how to assess or navigate people situations. …honestly, atm it seems like so much overthinking combined with lack of thought. And you guys (both men and women of certain ages younger than mine) seem “these days” to have an added layer of analysis/ emotional impact/ universalization that informs but also ups the stakes of just about every strikeout or disconnect from an individual situation to a perceived truth…and not a comfortable truth. It’s really hard to function with that heavy weight hanging over everything.

…so I’m sorry she took off or lost nerve when you weren’t up for a conversation.

(But a part of me wonders about your comments about her being a fat 6 whom only a fetishist would find an 8 and who thinks she’s a 10…I get you’re venting and chuffed for getting ghosted, and that’s understandable hurt and self-defense, but did you really think that of her when you were chatting? )

You want fortitude? Face the elements. Live to tell about it. Drive to a lake and run around it.
💯

agency and self-worth
Best concepts ever (unironically). Unfortunately, self-respect/ -worth/ agency often gets confused with being a jerk.



I’m at the point I need some time off, but I’m not taking it because I don’t want to risk taking it and not actually using it productively for non-work things. What I really need is a vacation-vacation, away, but I can’t do that bc a) it feels irresponsible when things needing doing aren’t done, and b) there are a thousand practical places money needs to go, or should be held available for the next unexpected event.

My life is (rightly) subject to my familial obligations, but I really need a moment when both my money and my energy can go to shoring up myself, too.
 
Had some interviews today and I think they both went pretty well. The first one sounded like an especially cool role, so I'm really, really, hoping I get it.
I found out the last one I was really excited about, they really liked me after that interview, but some other guy from within that company wanted to do it so they just transferred him over instead. It feels like this kind of thing keeps happening.
 
Had some interviews today and I think they both went pretty well. The first one sounded like an especially cool role, so I'm really, really, hoping I get it.
I found out the last one I was really excited about, they really liked me after that interview, but some other guy from within that company wanted to do it so they just transferred him over instead. It feels like this kind of thing keeps happening.

Fucking get it. I assume you haven't been fired, still have that bitch of a boss / manager?

My feet and calfs are sore from cardio, but it's a good sore. Trying to ride the high nad keep it up. I'm going full autism on body stats, food tracking, etc. It feels good.

I accidentally lit my cacti on fire...but they seem ok with it. Good example to follow.
 
…and just saw your last note. Please put living your actual life above the information influx about others.
... But what if that influx of information about others reflects you?
It's kind of hard to separate myself from things when I know that info is a reality of something that I want in my life.
I'm a guy who's kind of socially awkward, wants to write comics, kind of sucks at striking out with women, and is depressive.
Seeing a socially awkward guy who was successful at writing comics who sucked with women having suicide be the final note in their life kind of fucks with you a little. Especially when you know that, barring the absolute end result, that's not that much of an outlier anymore.

I guess I can plug my ears and forget it for now, but I know that that's what's waiting for me if I ever actually want to actually pursue any artistic field. It just seems like I'm at odds with the world anymore.
There used to be a time when the weird guy or autist was able to make cool shit happen and have some place where they belong, mostly the arts. It seems like there was some meritocratic value. But now it's just the pretty faces and popular ones that get everything. There isn't a place for the autistic misfits or savants. The world unironically probably would rather anyone like that die off.

I know I'm sounding dire especially after talking about how great things were but that shit just hits.
I don't want to live a "kind of" life anymore. Where everything's "kind of " okay, but I don't ever have anything that gives me any real happiness. I'm not even pulling some nihilist shit of "nothing matters". I'm in a place where I know what matters to me, but I don't know if I can achieve those things anymore.
Yep, back to full suicidal doomer mode again.

Not going to lie, I can at least respect the guy. Wish I could follow through sometimes. Shit or get off the pot. Not just mulling about it in some gay circus balancing act.
I'm probably going to delete this soon, that shit and a couple things lately really just me in a space. Pardon me.
 
Fucking get it. I assume you haven't been fired, still have that bitch of a boss / manager?
Yeah, she's on vacation for a couple of weeks, so I get some peace. Things are going so much more smoothly without her constantly shitting things up, funnily enough. The whole team are in better spirits. It seems like she might have backed off from trying to get me fired immediately, so that gives me a little more time to get things figured out too.

My feet and calfs are sore from cardio, but it's a good sore. Trying to ride the high nad keep it up. I'm going full autism on body stats, food tracking, etc. It feels good.
I've never had that from running, but I like that soreness I get from lifting weights. It feels like I'm making some kind of progress.

I guess I can plug my ears and forget it for now, but I know that that's what's waiting for me if I ever actually want to actually pursue any artistic field. It just seems like I'm at odds with the world anymore.
There used to be a time when the weird guy or autist was able to make cool shit happen and have some place where they belong, mostly the arts. It seems like there was some meritocratic value. But now it's just the pretty faces and popular ones that get everything. There isn't a place for the autistic misfits or savants. The world unironically probably would rather anyone like that die off.
I relate to this a lot more than you might realize, but killing yourself isn't going to do anything good, just suck for the people that care about you. Sticking around and finding some kind of success somewhere is spitting in the faces of those people that want you to die off. You just have to keep looking for your thing.
 
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I've never had that from running, but I like that soreness I get from lifting weights. It feels like I'm making some kind of progress.
Fat guy walking up steep inclines will do it. I think my gate is also a bit screwy, as I get odd muscle soreness, for instance the muscle in front of my shin gets sore on my left leg, and down where the foot curves. I also need some better shoes for this; but you have to start sometime.

I hurt the tendons in my right arm lifting awhile back, so I'm starting to lift again to try and help them heal. Pita, but that's life. Currently looking for a dumbell only plan for a while, and replacement for pulls up. If you've any tips, lmk.
Things are going so much more smoothly without her constantly shitting things up, funnily enough. The whole team are in better spirits
Any chance the higher ups might notice? Or could be shown, without showing, as it were.
 
Doubt anyone remembers because there's a lot going on especially when it comes to hurting, but a few months ago, I spoke of someone close to me (outside of our nuclear family) having a really bad diagnosis- it's still early to tell since the doctors haven't cut to confirm, but they were doing imaging, and the tumor is nowhere to be found. We are really hoping that it shrunk enough to be resected when it wasn't an option before, but her doctors have completely changed their tune about the prognosis. I'm not letting myself get too hopeful about it yet, but I felt dread when I got the phonecall and I am very thankful she gets more time.
Anyway, if you're the praying type, we both believe in that.
@Friend of Dorothy Parker I just wanted to mention that I always enjoy your input in this thread, and I'm glad you're here to balance out some knee-jerk reflexes- of course, sometimes people just want to vent, but even when they aren't receptive to your wisdom, I've often thought ''this is exactly how I want to be talking to my kids when they have big-kid problems'' and it's kind of nice to have that as a baseline whilst they're still too young to have serious problems that go beyond getting their feelings hurt by a 5-year old. I hope you get to put yourself first with the knowledge that your kids are taken care of very soon.
 
I managed to get hit in the eye with a football that someone kicked with great force. I'm okay but it hurts like hell. It's a little red and swollen but I think, I hope, I won't get a bruise.

Also it's my birthday next Monday and it's going to be a wild day because I got therapist appointments.

More concerningly, the shrink suggested that their group therapy course will do wonders for me. I am a little worried because people but hopefully it will do wonders for me.
 
I've been doing really well lately; ... so my brain has decided that it's depression-time. Hoo-fucking-ray. :gunt:

It's such a weird thing, sometimes, out of nowhere, usually when everything's fine, my brain decides that it's time to work through some unresolved issues by basically throwing 'remember that traumatic shit that happened way back when' flashbacks at me. I have no clue if that's 'normal' or what's going on.
 
Had a surgery, broke my leg and was sick with covid and stomach bug. Quite a wearisome month and a half.

Out of nowhere my childhood friend invites me to visit his apartment on the other side of the country for a few weeks, he made it big on buttcoin, and our budget for entertainment alone is in the thousands. I'm not saying coke and hookers....but yeah. It's gonna be something. I have gotten mildly drunk once during last year, without homies getting drunk/high isn't fun, so I have just been working non-stop. So I finally have some money of my own, too.

God truly works in mysterious ways, scales of cosmic justice have clearly shifted in my favor again. We're all gonna fucking make it. 8)
 
I LOVE LIVING IN THE RING OF FIRE
Tell me about it, I was in an elevator when it hit. Fortunately, I was on the other side of the island, so it was about a 4ish level quake in my city.

Also, I learned it takes about an hour for news to break internationally, because that's how long it took before my phone started to blow up with my family and friends in the US asking if I am ok. I love my parents and while I don't have many friends, but I am thankful for the ones I have because they are good ones.
 
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