Warning: absolutely the longest post I'll ever write on the Farms ahead.
You know, it's weird sometimes when I get over this chunibiyou shit of thinking I'm special and interesting and look on here and at other people how normal I actually am. The shit with the girl who was there for the darkest times and still dropped you out of seemingly nowhere hits so close to home it's unreal. I know that sting man and it's unbelievably rough but I think you're on the right progress.
Just remember it took Oro a literal century to be that wise old man. And also that despite how easy it is to rag on yourself for certain things, especially looking for comfort in other people, a lot of those reactions and behaviors probably came as a result to things earlier outside of your control.
That's the best thing you can do honestly in a lot of situations is understand the context of where you're at and where you came from.
Look at the cards you were dealt. You probably didn't handle them perfectly, but it's important to remember what you were handed.
A lot of people want to be the Ubermensch and you can, but it's okay to understand that there were external circumstances that put you in a specific state.
You're doing good, just remember to be empathetic to yourself sometimes.
Today was great. I got off work early in the day, went out to lunch for the first time with a friend I made recently, and then immediately afterwards got picked up a block down the road and had a watchparty with my close friend and a couple of others he knows online. So I literally spent most of the day hanging out with people, most of it in a group setting.
I haven't done that in years...
So I have effectively spent one day hanging out with friends and making new acquaintances. I didn't spend it worrying about the future, doomscrolling and rolled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself.
I officially feel like a normie now.
Back to the art sperging, I might have said this before but I need to remind myself of this. The happiest moment of my life was when I spent a night hammering out the end of a script for the story I've been writing. Something about it, just being fully in the zone, committing fully to one thing, being with my characters and feeling apart of that world, just writing without any second thought to success or time or rewards. Just me and my story. My characters.
I keep worrying about success and all the future worries and concerns that I don't take the first step to anything. There's plenty of rationality behind those concerns. I'm not stupid. But I forget that my happiest moments have been just me fully devoting myself to a story and getting it done. Achieving something small. Being fully invested in what I'm doing. Just letting the story be enough.
I need to get past that. Being too scared of how many miles a marathon will be that you never even go for a light walk is pretty fucking retarded.
It’ll be here in three weeks from now. As of now, I’m in the “birthdays fun” category. I get one year older, more wiser, and I’m just blessed that I’m alive to witness another day.
