Tell me about it, I was in an elevator when it hit. Fortunately, I was on the other side of the island, so it was about a 4ish level quake in my city.
Also, I learned it takes about an hour for news to break internationally, because that's how long it took before my phone started to blow up with my family and friends in the US asking if I am ok. I love my parents and while I don't have many friends, but I am thankful for the ones I have because they are good ones.
Not in Taiwan, but we had a really noisy quake when I wrote that. 5.2 is no big deal here unless you're an illegal from non-seismic countries, but they've been saying for years that there's a big one coming, and shit's very different from 2010.
It's such a weird thing, sometimes, out of nowhere, usually when everything's fine, my brain decides that it's time to work through some unresolved issues by basically throwing 'remember that traumatic shit that happened way back when' flashbacks at me. I have no clue if that's 'normal' or what's going on.
Sounds like a type of depression disorder. As someone who includes mental shit in my writing, I sometimes fall down rabbit holes when I do research and random bouts of depression aren't uncommon.
Or it's a comorbidity of something else. So the issue isn't so much 'you' as it is your brain.
Also, the person who kicked the ball into my face had a panic attack and I went to her apartment, to talk it out with her because she felt horrible and kept apologizing while I assured her that I had no hard feelings and I felt bad for her. It was nice really.
It helps silence my occasional doubts about whether I'm some kind of sociopath who skin-walks being a somewhat functioning human capable of empathy and not just stuck in one gear of selfish self-preservation and general apathy towards way too many things and people.
Edit: joining the news talk. Finland had a school shooting a few days ago and it's just a tragedy.
I'm doing much better than I have ever been. I'm working out and eating better. I have a girlfriend where for the first time it just feels comfortable to talk to her instead of worrying about what I'm going to say or do like with previous relationships. She says the same thing about me and she told me I've been a positive influence in her life, I know she's been one for me. Her family really likes me and it feels like I've been a part of her family for years. I think we're going to make it kiwibros. Life has never been better.
Reading over the Ed Piskor shit right after ranting about the coworker on here the other day and just... depressed as fuck.
It seems borderline impossible to be an awkward guy into women nowadays. Especially if you want an art career.
I know this isn't the board for this but I didn't want to walk into the shitstorm on there.
I'm not gonna lie, I can relate to all the 13 Reason Why suicide note cringe shit I've been seeing lately on the headlines. It's cringe and gay and doesn't change anything but I get just feeling powerless and wanting people to know they hurt you.
I honestly don't know what to do. Art seems to be my one reason for existing. But I know just with how I am I'd get cancelled eventually. I'd say some joke, have some take, some random girl from a decade back will bring up a time I was cringe. This shit doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. It hit me the past couple of weeks with the Selton shit and now this, that if I did kill myself, famous or not, I would just have a bunch of grifters come along and use me as a stool for them to virtue signal, and the honest to god fact is a lot of people just wouldn't even care.
There doesn't seem to be any actual place for me in the world anymore. Growing up all I wanted to do was make stories.
Don't see a way to do what I want with my life and be happy so I feel miserable most of the time.
But I can't kill myself because I know it will effectively do nothing but hurt the very few people I have in my life, and will at best just be used as a way to prop others up.
Don't want to stay, but can't leave either.
Career artists are gay and that sounds like the job you fear canceling from. Did you know you can make art and have a real job? Stop being overdramatic and hit the weights etc
I'm in one of my kicks where I want a more aesthetic living space, but the things I want the most are too involved to actually do on a whim. Someday I'll repaint all the doors and remove the popcorn ceiling and recaulk the bathroom, but for today I'm just going to fuck around with furniture placement. It's the season for it.
You know what sucks? How much money helps everything. I am incredibly, demonically frugal by nature. But on occasion I go on a kick, and for my vacation I bought some ready meals, some new home goods, some new clothes, gear, etc. Totally nonessential items. For a few days in a row, I ate out for lunch every day: bonkers.
..... and I'm so much less stressed. People always talk about feeling hollow after blowing money, but buying all this stuff has really taken a load of my mind and been a big ego boost and a lot of entertainment.
If I simply came from a family with intergenerational wealth, so I didn't have to think about these big goals like buying land and a house, I would totally do things like buy ready made meals and fast food for convinence, or hire a maid to clean my house or someone to landscape. Instead I walk around with holes in my shoes patched up with superglue, eating turkey sandwiches and bananas while all my coworkers run out for lunch, and I walk 30 minutes home in the rain being splashed by semi trucks while they drive around in a heated seat with a sound system. But even with saving 50% of my income.... will I ever be able to afford what I want? A double wide mobile home with a garage on an acre of land with no/few niggers around? I'd need like 200k. That's more than anyone in my family has seen in generations. I mean, at least I'm in the US, but still. Being born a wigger sucks.
My family intergenerational wealth was broken because my grandparents were excommunicated for losing their religion and not marrying within the Catholic church. My grandfather's brothers all have estates, land, multi million dollar houses, their children and grandchildren had college paid for, will inherit the land, etc.
My grandmother died in a state-run nursing home after burning through every dollar they had saved, and it'll be all we can hope for that no one inherits any debts.
I'm not Catholic and disliking their decision is to wish I was never born, but still I feel like I've been cursed with the effects of what they chose as 18 year olds. My family line is all wiggers due to teenagers fucking out of wedlock. Upper-middle class to working class. I.... try not to think about it that much.
You know what sucks? How much money helps everything. I am incredibly, demonically frugal by nature. But on occasion I go on a kick, and for my vacation I bought some ready meals, some new home goods, some new clothes, gear, etc. Totally nonessential items. For a few days in a row, I ate out for lunch every day: bonkers.
..... and I'm so much less stressed. People always talk about feeling hollow after blowing money, but buying all this stuff has really taken a load of my mind and been a big ego boost and a lot of entertainment.
Oh yeah being able to buy the "nonessentials" helps so much. You keep putting it off because you can't justify the money buy you keep encountering situations where it helps, and reminding yourself that you can't buy it is a constant hit on your mood. It's honestly shocking how much being able to buy that $20 thing that you don't need but regularly use helps.
Today I tried to answer a question for someone, but someone of a high seniority than me gave an answer that wasn't fully correct. In the rare instances where I try to be something other than a bureaucratic drone I thought about pointing this out, however I realized if I don't want to burn out the remaining amount of good will I still have I should just keep my mouth shut.
If I was a slightly more autistic person I might point out the documentation that says I'm right, but lest I want to start shit the other part of my brain just says to back down.
Sorry mate but you can fuck off with this shit. I work every single day and bust my ass. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do the thing you enjoy with your life or wanting there to be some freedom for people to actually make something that matters to them. Art isn't useless.
Oh yeah being able to buy the "nonessentials" helps so much. You keep putting it off because you can't justify the money buy you keep encountering situations where it helps, and reminding yourself that you can't buy it is a constant hit on your mood. It's honestly shocking how much being able to buy that $20 thing that you don't need but regularly use helps.
I'm sometimes irresponsible when I get a lot of money, but the thing for me that works is being able to spoil others. I was able to get my family some good Christmas gifts this year, I treat some my coworkers to some coffee after a hard shift every now and then and am just able to help people a lot more than I used to. It's a really nice feeling after worrying if I had the money to buy a Big Gulp for several years. People say money isn't everything, but there is definitely a level where having some is such a reassurance that it takes a big load off.
Had some interviews today and I think they both went pretty well. The first one sounded like an especially cool role, so I'm really, really, hoping I get it.
Wanted to ask about the manager. Maybe I'm just more direct with people but is there anyway you could actually address her behavior to her without repercussions, like "I can't help but feel we've gotten off on the wrong foot." or bring up the tension she's causing. I don't know how much of a right to work thing the company has but it seems like it would be unjust for her to fire you for even asking about why she's being a certain way. I know it's your job and life but I just couldn't deal with that shit without eventually raising concern. I hope something happens to balance shit out, you shouldn't have to run from your job.
If not, I hope the interviews go alright. You should have some sort of peace of mind. Your posts on here generally make me the most MATI, just because they sum up why I hate the modern working environment for a lot of people.
So I missed a call from my internet provider, and realized that I miscalculated my budget and the automatic payment didn't go through. It's due on the 4th and I want have enough cash to cover it by the 5th. By the 9th I'll have my tax return and first (and probably only) full paycheck in my account so I'm annoyed at the timing.
Dorothy said this to me before about how sometimes when you start progressing with a lot of momentum in life you'll sometimes have lower lows with the highs and I know someone said on this thread about how as you deal with suicidal ideation over the years it becomes much easier and faster to go from "Things are okay" to "Welp, I'm eating a bullet today." That about sums it up.
I know I'm a little more peeved than usual. I just don't like the way the world is anymore. Yeah, it's fun to laugh at clownworld and all that stuff on here but sometimes it's hard to really find even the absurdist humor in it.
"Hahaha, the world is ruled by a couple of oligarchies, achunk of people are vapid, self-interested cowards and most of our children effectively have autism from being raised by phones. Sure is wacky! Wowie Zowie!"
I'm objectively doing more, pushing forward and shit. I've carved out a small piece of good for myself seemingly by accident. I try not to let the noise from the world get me down as much anymore. But seeing people being effectively pushed to their deaths by people who face zero repercussions and that being normalized fucks with me more than seeing some troon bitch on X.
I just feel like things were okay for a bit and people were chill and I came in at the end of that. Most of the shit that used to make me happy (film, music, youtube) has been gentrified and castrated. Some of it's nostalgia but I also know things were objectively better for a time.
I've made strides to make my life better, but there isn't really "bread and circuses" on the side to enjoy aside from old media and some foreign stuff. Just sometimes want to rewind things, if only for a little bit, and just enjoy the past for a little bit. There was objectively a lot of worse shit going on in my life than. But it seemed like there were way more things out there that made that personal shit a lot easier to deal with.
Had some interviews today and I think they both went pretty well. The first one sounded like an especially cool role, so I'm really, really, hoping I get it.
I found out the last one I was really excited about, they really liked me after that interview, but some other guy from within that company wanted to do it so they just transferred him over instead. It feels like this kind of thing keeps happening.
It can be really hard to get in some places. And people inside have the literal inside track - they’re known, they already “fit,” and they also already know how the place operates, which means less ramp-up time. At least half of the positions I’ve gotten, some at places that people try for years to get hired, were places where people had worked with me and supported me for the position. …But you’re getting a lot of interest, sounds like, so I hope that that, at least, is encouraging. You obviously bring something that your targets value. And I know that’s a lot less awesome-feeling than getting the tap, but at the same time, don’t forget that.
I’m not familiar with Ed Piskor or the comics world in general, and I only read the thread from the featured comment forward so haven’t read the real-time commentary when his ethics/rep came into question, so idk if any of the criticism was legitimate or not, but based on his telling in his own note, his explanations sounded mostly reasonable. And it was clear, at least as he described it, that he wasn’t on the path he chose until the pressure and fallout of the criticisms hit a critical point. I’m 100% sure that read is not exactly correct, but my point is that his situation was particular to him, and it seems it took the turn it did as a result of a bad confluence of fairly extraordinary events. So though I get why you feel some identification, also remember that it wasn’t merely his general state of mind or personality that led where it did. I’m not saying anyone else is responsible for his choice to die - many people endure crushing condemnation or failure or loss and make it, often slowly, through. But it seems there was at least a set of extraordinary circumstances, whether possibly his own poor decisionmaking, and/or maybe some (mistaken or malignant) bad experience others had with him, and/or the amplification/acceleration by others who might or might not have been objective or thoughtful, of the noise-volume of a bad situation. Tl; dr: don't over-identify.
I’ve shared my thoughts on this with you before, but I’ll say it again: where a person is at age [20s] is so often, especially when a person has a creative or uncommon bent, miles away from where they will be down the line. And of course it can go the other way (flying high in 20s or 30s then crashing, or gradually sliding downward on the happiness and personal achievement and direction scales), too. And we (hopefully) adapt and change to either improved or diminished opportunities, hopefully can pivot and regroup after a correction or can have the nerve to soar when wonderful things open up.
I kind of hate to mention Sisyphus, because the myth doesn’t really make perseverance sound all that great, and plus he was a bad guy in his mortal life, and plus he may not have had much choice in the matter, but minor technicalities :-) aside, the best lesson from it is that even slogging through days of seemingly (or for him, even literally) pointless effort with no obvious relief in sight can be transmuted into something of value and purpose. Camus wrote his essay on it to note the absurdity of human life, the existential pointlessness of the human condition - BUT that even in that pointlessness there is meaning, value: "The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
You have already grasped that Sisyphus is the absurd hero. He is, as much through his passions as through his torture. His scorn of the gods, his hatred of death, and his passion for life won him that unspeakable penalty in which the whole being is exerted toward accomplishing nothing. This is the price that must be paid for the passions of this earth. Nothing is told to us about Sisyphus in the underworld. Myths are made for the imagination to breathe life into them. As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it, and push it up a slope a hundred times over; one sees the face screwed up, the cheek tight against the stone, the shoulder bracing the clay-covered mass, the foot wedging it, the fresh start with arms outstretched, the wholly human security of two earth- clotted hands. At the very end of his long effort measured by skyless space and time without depth, the purpose is achieved. Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward that lower world whence he will have to push it up again toward the summit. He goes back down to the plain.
It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock.
If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.
***
If the descent is thus sometimes performed in sorrow, it can also take place in joy. This word is not too much. Again I fancy Sisyphus returning toward his rock, and the sorrow was in the beginning. When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock itself. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane. But crushing truths perish from being acknowledged. Thus, Œdipus at the outset obeys fate without knowing it. But from the moment he knows, his tragedy begins. Yet at the same moment, blind and desperate, he realizes that the only bond linking him to the world is the cool hand of a girl. Then a tremendous remark rings out: "Despite so many ordeals, my advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that all is well." Sophocles' Œdipus, like Dostoevsky's Kirilov, thus gives the recipe for the absurd victory. Ancient wisdom confirms modern heroism.
One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What! by such narrow ways—? " There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd discovery. It happens as well that the felling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Œdipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men.
All Sisyphus' silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is a thing Likewise, the absurd man, when he contemplates his torment, silences all the idols. In the universe suddenly restored to its silence, the myriad wondering little voices of the earth rise up. Unconscious, secret calls, invitations from all the faces, they are the necessary reverse and price of victory. There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. The absurd man says yes and his efforts will henceforth be unceasing. If there is a personal fate, there is no higher destiny, or at least there is, but one which he concludes is inevitable and despicable. For the rest, he knows himself to be the master of his days. At that subtle moment when man glances backward over his life, Sisyphus returning toward his rock, in that slight pivoting he contemplates that series of unrelated actions which become his fate, created by him, combined under his memory's eye and soon sealed by his death. Thus, convinced of the wholly human origin of all that is human, a blind man eager to see who knows that the night has no end, he is still on the go. The rock is still rolling.
I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.
.... and I'm so much less stressed. People always talk about feeling hollow after blowing money, but buying all this stuff has really taken a load of my mind and been a big ego boost and a lot of entertainment.
It's true money can't literally buy actual happiness, but the lack of it, or a haunting fear of not having enough for the basics of life, can be absolute terrifying misery. If that has been an acute experience or history, sometimes we fall into patterns of well-intentioned but maybe a little extreme self-denial. I'm glad you've been able to feel comfortable enough to give yourself some "extras" that bring joy and value.
(And not that it's everyone's interest to do so, and not that you were meaning to be literal, but financing a home, whether for conventional real estate or for a manufactured or modular home/land, is an option.)
Today I tried to answer a question for someone, but someone of a high seniority than me gave an answer that wasn't fully correct. In the rare instances where I try to be something other than a bureaucratic drone I thought about pointing this out, however I realized if I don't want to burn out the remaining amount of good will I still have I should just keep my mouth shut.
If I was a slightly more autistic person I might point out the documentation that says I'm right, but lest I want to start shit the other part of my brain just says to back down.
You made the right decision. If they got wrong info, no doubt it will eventually get sorted. Inefficient and annoying, but if there wasn't a way tactfully to "refine" what they said, best left silent with that seniority dynamic. ...Today I spent 40 minutes crafting an email tactfully telling my boss's boss he was 4 months late and way off-base on something (something I've only been engaged on very recently so no track record guiding him along; I'm carrying someone else's torch). On the same item, another stakeholder was unable to bend his head around any improvements to his crap language so we had to revert to his incomprehensible garbage. Whatever. I've learned that some battles aren't worth the fight, and that as paradoxical as it seems (is), the path to success often doesn't align with being right or the actual best thing. 100% that in 3, 6, 12 months, I'll have to defend it from people criticizing it for the exact reason we suggested changes.
I am doing alright, but stress has got me lately, so I am a bit depressed. I was fucked up real bad by extreme stress, and constantly falling into agitated outbursts, erratic mood swings and half-opened eyes, constant heavy sighs and requiring lots of stress relieving. Not only that, it worsens my mind's normal thoughts and basic perception. This really shows how much I and the others are literally living in a world full of heaps of shit, yet we just continue to walk upwards and keep laughing and wrinkling in disgust on how much the world has fallen slowly in a thorough way. While I have many coping mechanics to make me feeling better, it is best for me to continue being strong with my stress and fatique, worse, light signs of depression. Hopefully I can get through the stress I went through and spend time with my family.
It makes me think of absolutely retarded shit without a good look, so I usually have family members and relatives assuring me that my depression may end if I never go downhill and purchase antidepressants to fuck my mentality more and feeling positive, continue being strong and enjoy more outside activities than before. So for now, I am relieving the amount of stress I kept pressuring my own mindset by simply drawfagging on my laptop, phone, iPad and my personal favorite comfort things to make sure I would feel better. If I simply fall into severe depression, which was serious, I will never kill myself and moving on and finding the passions I have long lost and be as positive and harsh to lolcows as much as I want. This is the music I felt comfort and encouraged to be strong to:
I have been depressed and thinking suicidal shit for once or twice, but because I do not harbour any ill will to kill myself or just simply make everyone across me to fall apart for someone as cherishable as their friend, family or relative to inflict the strongest pain they would not escape. Much like that, I would love to interact with everyone more and resolving the pain and stress that makes me constantly self-depraving myself over, and needing the comfort from everyone I cared for, and never will fall to narcissism or being egotistical.
It hurts to think of self-depraving shit and question myself, but I would try my hardest to better myself and pursue the very future I am enjoying myself having. Especially when the death of my grandmother, uncle, my older pet dogs and cat heavily affected my own mood. Even if I kept mourning or thinking about how much I missed them, I would not hesistant to continue walking.
Something about the way that was worded made me smile a lot. I'm sorry about the losses, but I hope you keep on going and doing alright. I admire the resolve. That song is also nice.
Oh, I'm aware of the Sissyphus idea. Wolf's Rain is one of my favorite series so I understand existentialism and self-determinism quite a bit.
I guess I just feel like a man out of place. Like I came in at the end of a golden age of a lot of art and culture. Basically every single great movie I've seen this last year was a rerelease outside of a select handful. I see Japan and other countries doing some amazing films and series and I want to be in on that. I just want there to be a way really creative people can flourish in my own country instead of the highschool socialite bullshit it seems in most industries anymore. I don't know, maybe things can change and I'm overreacting. But I just don't see a way right now for really forward thinking people to make great films, books or videos without having to fit into the mold of whatever nightmare social climate we're in right now. I know it's like some "born in the wrong generation" shit, but that's what I mean when I said I don't know if I can achieve those things anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do to get that train rolling. Hollywood ain't it, not youtube either. I unironically sometimes just think moving to another country where the art scene is more active would be better in the long run, even though I know it's rare for a foreigner to become an artist in another country (they almost always become popular in their own and then transfer) from the ground up.
I'm sorry if I've seemed dismissive the last couple of days. I appreciate the help. I just have felt stuck for a long time just due to the way the world is. I've made strides in my life recently. But ultimately, even if I get more fit or do a bunch of other things... it's not the one thing I want in my life. I want to tell stories. Sure there are other things that are fine in life but they don't fulfill me. They don't stick with me at night or every hour of the day like my ideas do. A part of me dies doing everything else.
"Well, what's keeping you?" It's my own fault. I don't see the point because I think it'll never amount to anything, so I put off doing the thing I love, even though the love for it should just be enough.
I know it's on me.
Mesh Mom has been under hospice care for the last few weeks and we're at the end. She went downhill faster than anticipated. I believe she'll be gone in the next day or two. Taking care of a loved one dying of cancer is a nightmarish experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I just feel so helpless watching her slip away further and further. Even with a shit ton of good drugs she's still suffering. Ughh...I don't know how I'm going to get through this. She's the only person I'm truly close to and it's going to kill me to have to say goodbye.
I've been thinking of taking a couple days this month, at least to shore up my personal stuff. But I'm apprehensive I'll just blow the days off instead of getting on top of things and then when I'm back at work there's a horrible backlog. So here's where I need better self-discipline and efficiency (apply my energy so I get stuff done ahead of days off and can truly go do something not strictly practical). I went a full year taking 0 time, though, so taking any feels weird, even though I have it.
I guess I just feel like a man out of place. Like I came in at the end of a golden age of a lot of art and culture. Basically every single great movie I've seen this last year was a rerelease outside of a select handful. I see Japan and other countries doing some amazing films and series and I want to be in on that. I just want there to be a way really creative people can flourish in my own country instead of the highschool socialite bullshit it seems in most industries anymore. I don't know, maybe things can change and I'm overreacting. But I just don't see a way right now for really forward thinking people to make great films, books or videos without having to fit into the mold of whatever nightmare social climate we're in right now. I know it's like some "born in the wrong generation" shit, but that's what I mean when I said I don't know if I can achieve those things anymore.
Candidly, but kindly, the (a big) problem with doom-spiraling is that it's not based on a lived reality, just observation (at best) and a lot of messaging about "the state of things." And you might be right that it's harder than yesterday and/or that stupid social media is king. But the life of an artist of any sort has never been easy or guaranteed - it's notoriously the opposite. But yet some people of every generation break through - "breaking through" meaning a lot of things. Sometimes "telling stories" means living the dream, but sometimes it means being involved but not the main, sometimes it means channeling that to a wage job, and sometimes it means making art on a smaller scale or creating your own market or experiencing it as an avocation. I think most working artists say that there is no substitute for going out and actually doing it. It's risky. It might involve years of frustration. A person may need to pivot, retool, adjust, etc. That's not a "today" thing, though; that's a lot of life, and especially an artistic one. But until a person is actively doing it, including going places and learning things they need to, it hasn't happened yet.
Mesh Mom has been under hospice care for the last few weeks and we're at the end. She went downhill faster than anticipated. I believe she'll be gone in the next day or two. Taking care of a loved one dying of cancer is a nightmarish experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I just feel so helpless watching her slip away further and further. Even with a shit ton of good drugs she's still suffering. Ughh...I don't know how I'm going to get through this. She's the only person I'm truly close to and it's going to kill me to have to say goodbye.
Mesh Mom has been under hospice care for the last few weeks and we're at the end. She went downhill faster than anticipated. I believe she'll be gone in the next day or two. Taking care of a loved one dying of cancer is a nightmarish experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I just feel so helpless watching her slip away further and further. Even with a shit ton of good drugs she's still suffering. Ughh...I don't know how I'm going to get through this. She's the only person I'm truly close to and it's going to kill me to have to say goodbye.
It’s always the worst thing imaginable to watch a loved one fade away like that. I watched Alzheimer’s take my great granny away from me. She was one of the last “successful non fuck ups” in my family. She was the sharpest woman I’ve ever met until she wasn’t. She lived 11 years since her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. I’m glad I wasn’t around for her final couple of years or so of life. She was in good hands for her twilight years thanks to her financial thriftiness. Unfortunately, this more than likely won’t be the last time that you and get I experience this horror.
I’m not a religious man, but I am praying for you and your family. Keep the strength and the faith. It’s going to be a tough year, but you’ve got this! Be sure to eat something tasty and nice. Something you normally don’t get to eat. That always helped me with grieving. I’d go out to my favorite ice cream place and grab a cone. Maybe even head to the park and say hi to all of the ducks and geese and feed them a little bit of food. It is therapeutic to think that my loved ones are living on through the blue bonnets, trees, bees, birds and so on.
Mesh Mom has been under hospice care for the last few weeks and we're at the end. She went downhill faster than anticipated. I believe she'll be gone in the next day or two. Taking care of a loved one dying of cancer is a nightmarish experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I just feel so helpless watching her slip away further and further. Even with a shit ton of good drugs she's still suffering. Ughh...I don't know how I'm going to get through this. She's the only person I'm truly close to and it's going to kill me to have to say goodbye.
All things considered. I am doing rather well for myself. I have a wife, a couple of cars, an apartment and a job that pays well enough. I’d still like to get my college education whenever convenient. Unfortunately, I do believe it’s going to be a long time before that happens. I am more interested in my wife’s career and her aspirations as she already has a degree and a path to true success or at least happiness in something she enjoys. It was worth working a full time job and some OT so she could focus on her studies instead of being a wagey.
Unfortunately, even with finally having a stable and somewhat happy life. I do have some personal demons that I am trying to resolve. A lot of it has to do with a nightmarish upbringing no thanks to my lovely parents. Without going into detail, in spite of their degeneracy and abuse from when I was a child. I’ve made multiple attempts to reconnect with them and have a normal within an arms length relationship with them. I choose to spend my days off of work visiting them. Not because they are my parents and they say that they want to see me. I choose to visit them to make myself feel better. I’ve always wanted my folks to love me and be proud of me and they have done nothing, but bash and shit on everything that I do. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments in the past few years. They cope, seethe, and mald over my accomplishments and success with pure jealousy that I’m doing better than them. (WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO BETTER AND BE BETTER THAN OUR PARENTS)
My father always tells me
“I’m proud of you…. BUT… You are the luckiest fucker. I’ve worked for poop fuck shit amount of years and I still had nothing to show for it. I gave everything to you just to watch you be ungrateful. You have never truly worked a day of your life like I have. Yadya yadya blah blah blah”.
It’s nearly impossible to reconnect with a father who blows all of their money on pot and who’s at the early stages of being a pill head because of back pain. And a mother who’s been an avid alcoholic since I was a toddler. These people have done nothing, but gas light me and torment me for my entire life. Yet, I still want these broken and fucked up people to love me, because they were all I had for 18 years. I recently made the obvious and tough revelation that my parents are never going to change. Every time I reach out to them and things seem like they are getting better. They then throw it all away like it never happened.
I’ve finally decided that these people aren’t worth my time, energy, love and hate. I think I am going to try and seek out a therapist for my issues. I’m tired of waking up in the middle of the night, screaming and crying, because of these fucks. I’ve done everything I could, but to no avail…
I am finished with them living in my mind rent free.
It’s time that I evict them.
