How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I finished a half-marathon this weekend ("running it" would be a very charitable interpretation of what I did).

And then, today was one of those weird days at work where is seems like everything is pointing at me being "next in line" for the big chair. I don't hate the idea, per se, but I get the feeling that I'm going to be expected to fix some systemic shit that would only get fixed if certain people either died or retired, like, today. I'll have a lot of support. I am well-liked. I'm just afraid that by the time I get to a place were I can affect some serious change, the system will have gotten its mitts in me and I'll become a top-level asshole.

So to sandwich that, I got the running bug in me. I'm seriously considering training for marathons now. God help me.
 
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Early this morning, I dreamed Null and his girlfriend (generic, it was no one in particular) came to my house. Just a social visit. I recall absolutely nothing other than I was surprised to see him and thanked him for KF because snarkposting has basically relieved my tension since 2019.

I just deleted an enormous spergout about me taking care of a friend (who is only four years older than myself) who has increasing dementia; there was an emergency that required me to take a long drive there and back (2 hours one way), piece together some connections that definitely had major missing pieces, and get her son on board with a more realistic idea of what was going on with her. It involved a lot of research, trying to find people all over the continental US (she did not know where her son was living. Not even the state, and he has a fairly common name), get in contact with of social services in an area that doesn't have many, and wrangle a person who isn't well-educated or street smart but basically bright and naive - except her brain isn't working right any more. Plus talking to relatives of hers that don't know me and in one case who were a bit hostile. I think that's smoothed down, but fuck, I don't need a bunch of hillbilly paranoia. A lot of practical issues, and one existential one. She needs to be in assisted living. Luckily her son was reasonable when I spoke with him and it looks like he has the resources to do this, so I pretty much left it with him. I had to take two vacation days out of a very stingy allowance for this.
Although every indication is that this will not happen to me, if I ever get like that myself, I'll do myself in before it gets that far. Or at least I'll fucking cooperate with people who are trying to help me.
 
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I've spent most of the year inexorably intoxicated and isolated. A tumultuous relationship that was on/off for the past two years finally (seemingly) ended and the anniversary of a serious traumatic event passed recently. I have no motivation or desire to socialise or get better and have found myself slipping further into a depression spiral as my self destructive tendencies become exacerbated.

While this has been ongoing, I've become embroiled in a tryst with somebody significantly older than me (they technically are old enough to be my parent). At first it was just sex but it's beginning to evolve into a more complicated situation. They've made it clear they want an ongoing romantic relationship, and I remain uncertain. I'm in my "prime," and despite my melancholy would like a family someday, which is something that they are unwilling to entertain. I'm also not sure whether what I feel for them is or could become a romantic attraction. There are some other life complications that give me additional pause. Apart from that we have much in common and compliment each other well, I just don't want to have it all fall apart in several years and leave us on bad terms.

As it is, there's an ongoing dynamic that's unfamiliar yet not unwelcome. For the first time I feel nurtured and supported in a relationship. Simultaneously I want to break it off before either of us get hurt but also would like to see where this goes.
 
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There's too much drama at my workplace and I'm tired of it. People should really learn how to leave their issues at home and not drag them into the workplace.

Other than that, I'm okay. My back has been hurting like crazy lately (even though I'm exercising, stretching, doing yoga, walking... y'know) so I'm looking into buying a new office chair, maybe it'll help at least a bit.
 
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While reading this: listen (in your mind if you already know the song) to "Iron Maiden - The Evil that Men Do" or "Scorpions - In the Search of Peace of Mind"

I am feeling sorrow lately, related to the completely fucked state of the western world and its cultural imperialism over countries like Japan or in future poorer states in Asia and Eastern Europe.
I feel that I am the only few Gen Z people that cares about fightning wokeness. People seem to continue consuming slop like Fallout TV series, Hades 2 with its tranny Aphrodite.
FISA passed in the US and it will spy any dissident, person opposed to wokeness\DEI\ESG. May be possible that any anti-woke progress will be reversed.
VISA/Mastercard act as the Inquisition and pressure Japanese companies to censor themselves or spread ESG/WOKE

I am very upset that we live culturally worse than in Communism.
Communism in Eastern Bloc did censor a lot of poetry that invoked God or Capitalistic sentiments, but it was limited to those topics and other literature remained intact.
Even censors themselves let books / translations pass because they were also interested in literature and they weren't motivated by money.
Communism wasn't able to know so much about us (No Internet, though if you were involved in politics, very probable you were wiretaped) and didn't have control over money since there were no credit cards (there were though Food stamps)

I might sound now as an marxist/anti-capitalism (No, I disagree with it, middle class is fucked by it), but the source of the fuckery we deal now is:
  • Chasing money/power/ESG over quality, beauty, common sense.
  • Public traded corporations which to me look almost like state owned utilities in Communism. Shareholder capitalism is in the control of the State and Oligarchs
I am very upset they will manage to make entire world a prison where you can't go to any country where you can escape the woke virus. Russians/Chinese will also in the future will become woke because Gen Z consumes pirated slop there.
 
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I got stung by a wasp today, it fucking hurts. I was outside building a new sand waterfall and filter section for my fish house and the little bastard landed on a strip of fresh silicone so I was trying to save it by letting it climb onto a twig and the fucker wanted me so bad he got himself unstuck and bombed me in the neck. It feels like a gunshot. I hate wasps.
 
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Pale Empress said:
I've spent most of the year inexorably intoxicated and isolated. A tumultuous relationship that was on/off for the past two years finally (seemingly) ended and the anniversary of a serious traumatic event passed recently. I have no motivation or desire to socialise or get better and have found myself slipping further into a depression spiral as my self destructive tendencies become exacerbated.

While this has been ongoing, I've become embroiled in a tryst with somebody significantly older than me (they technically are old enough to be my parent). At first it was just sex but it's beginning to evolve into a more complicated situation. They've made it clear they want an ongoing romantic relationship, and I remain uncertain. I'm in my "prime," and despite my melancholy would like a family someday, which is something that they are unwilling to entertain. I'm also not sure whether what I feel for them is or could become a romantic attraction. There are some other life complications that give me additional pause. Apart from that we have much in common and compliment each other well, I just don't want to have it all fall apart in several years and leave us on bad terms.

As it is, there's an ongoing dynamic that's unfamiliar yet not unwelcome. For the first time I feel nurtured and supported in a relationship. Simultaneously I want to break it off before either of us get hurt but also would like to see where this goes.
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I'm wondering if it's a matter of you're getting the advice and financial sponsorship with the expectation of taking on the role of caretaker when both of you are older. I think three scenarios would be:
  • you break it off soon and abandon the benefits you receive, so you don't owe the other person as much back while giving them time to move on to someone else who can support them when they begin to decline
  • you continue to accept the support for as long as you can, then break it off when they start needing someone to be more of a caretaker to them and they may not find someone in time
  • you continue with them and support them until nature takes it's course, hoping it doesn't need an academic extension
 
Blue Miaplacidus said:
I got stung by a wasp today, it fucking hurts. I was outside building a new sand waterfall and filter section for my fish house and the little bastard landed on a strip of fresh silicone so I was trying to save it by letting it climb onto a twig and the fucker wanted me so bad he got himself unstuck and bombed me in the neck. It feels like a gunshot. I hate wasps.
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I had a hole in my house that I eventually noticed wasps were crawling out of. I dumped most of a can of wasp spray into it and then cask of Amontillado-ed that fucker.

That was years ago. Recent stuff is going fine. My horribly overpriced EV order is being processed now so it might actually get built someday. The conduit I ripped off the wall to install the wiring for the EV charger has been secured properly even though the wire pulling that ripped it off the wall is now done.

Both my main work customers aren't doing shit this week so I'm just fucking with "Learning AI" on work time. And by that I mean trying to get it to summarize MATI streams in a coherent manner.

Maybe I'll go for a walk this afternoon, although it looks like the rain may be earlier than expected.
 
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Betonhaus said:
Wait, you're training an AI on null? I don't know what the outcome is going to be.
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No training, that would definitely get me on the naughty list when the AIs eventually take over. It's bad enough I've subjected them to 600+ hours of Null already.

This is just taking the transcripts and running them through a pretrained summary generator. The problem is that there are a ton to choose from.
 
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Life has come at me hard and fast and suddenly I'm haveing to try to pivot careers into something that will provide long term stability and give me enough money to retire on one day but literally every fucking thing I look at starts at $20 an hour if I'm lucky (which how tf can anyone live on that) and maxes out at $50,000 a year. I don't want to go back to school, both because I don't want the debt and because I don't think I could do it, college sucked the first time and I'm a decade older now, and even just the application process is confusing and overwhelming. I'm scrambling to try to find something so I can support myself and preserve what's left of my past and take care of my remaining family while staring down the biggest loss I'll ever have in my life. And I'm not even sure why I'm trying since my future is literally nothing but a sitting in a shitty apartment and living alone while working a job I'm apathetic towards. I'm fucked, short and simple, and I got here through my own choices so don't feel too bad for me.

Also I might be having seizures from stress and no sleep lol
 
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Disgruntled Pupper said:
Life has come at me hard and fast and suddenly I'm haveing to try to pivot careers into something that will provide long term stability and give me enough money to retire on one day but literally every fucking thing I look at starts at $20 an hour if I'm lucky (which how tf can anyone live on that) and maxes out at $50,000 a year. I don't want to go back to school, both because I don't want the debt and because I don't think I could do it, college sucked the first time and I'm a decade older now, and even just the application process is confusing and overwhelming. I'm scrambling to try to find something so I can support myself and preserve what's left of my past and take care of my remaining family while staring down the biggest loss I'll ever have in my life. And I'm not even sure why I'm trying since my future is literally nothing but a sitting in a shitty apartment and living alone while working a job I'm apathetic towards. I'm fucked, short and simple, and I got here through my own choices so don't feel too bad for me.

Also I might be having seizures from stress and no sleep lol
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I am very sorry for the loss/losses you are experiencing, and however you got to a place you don't feel good about, I truly hope you find your way through that, and the job or education challenges as well, and to a good place. Loss can be a raw, terrible feeling.
 
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