How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Been watching a lot of war movies to remind myself that some things transcend this rat race of career and prestige. Stories that make you remember that peace is a luxury and life should be more than money and items.

Then the credits roll and it's all "-returned to become a PhD professor" or "started 5 companies". Or the mad irish cunt from SAS being a fucking lawyer. Then again I guess war breeds devil-may-care people who have no issues spitting and shitting on others to gain glory.
 
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I played with my cat outside on a sunny day yesterday between shifts and caught myself thinking that I am not miserable anymore. Yeah, there are things I still want in this life, but otherwise it was so peaceful.
Take care and have a good Sunday, people.
 
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Feeling the effects of the post-30 morose, feeling like I'm at the end of the line.
I knew of it beforehand, I know people who experience(d) it and felt being conscious of it would assist me in shrugging it off and carrying on but it really does grip me some days.

Psychology is dumb.
 
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I want to burn down everything I own; my current life; everything. Just leave.
Go to another place, another country, another identity. I don't fucking know.

Went through a box with memorabilia earlier;
and for reasons I can't get into because PL, that shit just pulled the rug right from under my feet.

I haven't cried in months; but right now the floodgates are open.
And I cannot decide if I'm glad or even sadder that I'm alone with this right now.
 
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Juan But Not Forgotten said:
I played with my cat outside on a sunny day yesterday between shifts and caught myself thinking that I am not miserable anymore. Yeah, there are things I still want in this life, but otherwise it was so peaceful.
Take care and have a good Sunday, people.
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I take mine for granted a lot even though she occupies most of my day in one way or another. I still get the odd thought of her dying cause a lot of coworkers got pet issues as of late but she could last another 10 years, despite being 8 and having had her for 2. On a good day I think to myself "whatever I need to do to keep a roof over her head", another I feel like a failure for not applying for new work for a few months, realistically because it's a bad season and knowing I've seen plenty of good gigs show up with the same search parameters before.

The other I just feel stuck. I don't do shit all day yet wake up feeling overwhelmed by options in regards to everything. I could join one club of sorts and it'd occupy my entire week leading up to it, yet I have this absurd idea that I need to go out and do shit every second day cause all my coworkers do. I enjoy going out to things but "an event downtown" isn't that inviting, nor will I randomly bump into people and make friends. It needs purpose.

Instead of war movies I've now watched prison documentaries. These people working hard day-to-day, knowing they won't even get out alive but still striving. My confidence is so bombed that I look at that people with menial gigs inside and think "damn, what a hard worker". Even the dumb broad in Orange is the New Black is doing minor electrical work and speaks of doing it when she gets outside. Electrician is a great in-demand job and we really need one at work as of late, so I'm thinking this fictional character got it better than me.

Shit, I'm getting bombarded with farmer propaganda about an aryan stereotype rizzing up a tomboy with all the "techy and modern" farm work he does. I know farming is a dead end industry yet even that sounds appealing. Almost landed a gig with an agricultural financing organization. Shit sounded cool as hell, helping out local farmers with their shit. Purpose. None of these soft values and stockholder value memes.
 
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Got my performance review tomorrow and I'm very nervous. I shouldn't give a shit what this dumb cunt thinks, but there might be layoffs coming and I'm already having trouble finding a new job. I need a proper side gig but I can't think of anything that wouldn't just be a waste of time.
 
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I've ruined my life serving a country that does not care about me or the men who served with me, all in the young, naive and misguided desire for some kind of glory or approval or I don't even remember what my thought process was anymore. All I know now is that for the rest of my life I will never have more than 4-5 hours of sleep, and without terrible, seemingly never ending nightmares.
That's my main problem this week. I want to sleep peacefully for once.
I know I did this to myself.
 
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I'm starting a new stage on my job, and I'm having a new step of imposter's syndrome. I can't help it I just keep thinking about it ACKACKACKACKACKACK seal clap, and it's very frustrating. I know the basics, but this is another step and involves extra activities, and it seems I'll be doing it "alone" (meaning, the sole person). Very frustrating.
 
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I'm just now starting to get used to waking up early now that I'm on first shift. I get up at 4 AM now, so I have plenty of time for my coffee and spending some time with the pooch. The job itself is incredibly rewarding, much like when I worked at the high school on first shift. Of course, this is an elementary school, so the age range is much different, but I still feel incredibly blessed to be working here. Getting to see the kids everyday has been awesome. Most of them now refer to me by my name and ask me questions about my life. I have two little girls who are just seemingly infatuated with me and give me hugs whenever they see me. It just warms my heart so much and I look forward to seeing them each day.

Of course, this hasn't been without some issues. I am absolutely WIPED when I get home. My knees and joints are killing me. I've been doing rudimentary stretches in the morning when I get up and after my lunch break at work, but it doesn't eliminate the aches completely. Joint pain is nothing new for me, but now that I'm having to be up earlier I think the physically and mentally tired feeling is pairing up with the joint aches. All part of the job, I suppose. The smiles on those little faces and hugs from their scrawny arms make it worthwhile.
 
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Rome's rightful successor said:
I am in grief over the death of a coworker/friend. He was 65 sure, but he was a laid back dude and if you'd known him you could have sworn he'd have 5-10 at least years on him. He was a good man, had a conversation nearly everyday with him and this other guy since the past two years. So it feels a little devastating. There's going to be a funeral at the local Legion club.
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Went to the funeral or "celebration of life" as his family call it. It was really sad and heartwarming. Tried to keep composure but man seeing all those people that knew show up and especially the family photos of him being layed out really strucked deep inside. Just the most sad I felt in a long time. There were people who talked who knew him since kindergarten. Got to be the last one to talk at the podium. It was really hard to say goodbye.
 
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