How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Last week and a half had my head and thought process screwed up in a way that I don’t think vitamins could have done it. It’s possibly due to the fact that I have not been outside as much as I would like.

Perhaps it is just my brain conditioning to do something out of character. I’ll have to look into it to see it’s not something bad psychologically speaking.
 
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Can't complain, look forward to going out with friends more now than I did a few years ago. I got into a habit of hammering runescape all day every day but its gay now so. Need to go fishing more though. Hope everyone else is well.
 
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I got a few days off, but now I don't think I have a day off for three full weeks, between my two jobs. I do this to myself so there's no one to blame- I'm going to enjoy it, especially the part where I get paid.

"Grindsetting" has been treating me well. The only hard part for me is managing my energy levels. It's not just "time management" if that makes sense. Right after work I'm dog-tired, so I rest/chillax, but by the time I recover and get a second wind of energy, it's time to go to bed. I wish I could really shorten that specific time- I wish it only took me an hour to recover, not 4-5hrs. I truly think it's mostly a physical thing, not so much mental, so I've kinda been experimenting with increasing my carbs at lunch/adding a snack as soon as I get off work (usually I eat basically pure protein for lunch) and in general I'm hitting more cardio and hoping I'll just get stronger. If that all fails I guess I'll do cocaine.
 
Old man orange cat I’ve had for 15 years has died. I keep expecting him, he’s just always there? In the window, under my feet, by the food bowl. But now he’s not there and it’s weird. His adopted alley cat (he had his own orange cat, we weren’t gonna keep her but he fell in love) is left behind and she, too, seems weird. She hasn’t been an only cat since whatever her life was before she barged in.

Mentioned to my ma how we would probably get the cat (and my kid) a kitten after some time had passed and she just said “no, the cat will be fine, you shouldn’t bother.” ??? The woman perplexes me.

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My stupid cunt sister and her faggot husband tried extorting me, making good in their threat when I refused to acquiesce. Despite telling me how unfortunate I am, the rest of my family is unchanged in how they treat the two of them. To justify this action, my sister has been trying to poison my reputation within my family by either reframing nonissues as if they were problems, or outright lying about me when that’s insufficient. I’m angry and want to lash out and want to tell everyone they have to choose between her or me; but, naturally, if someone is forcing you to choose between family you’re going to choose the party not forcing you to make such a choice.
 
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Randomly read some decade-old mails from a relative who did a year or two abroad in high school at age like 16. It was hell and the host family kept accepting in more internationals. I've currently got a coworker who fosters problematic kids but for like, half decades at a time. She says her own kid is completely affected by it and hates it and I'm like.. why do you keep doing it? These kids won't look back at you fondly anyway. Fostering or hosting seems like such a selfish thing despite being the complete opposite.
bliblblblbbllb said:
"Grindsetting" has been treating me well.
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My work is incredibly simple and it's 100% possible to just meet, work, satisfy, go home. However, we got so much wiggle room I end up talking with people or doing minor projects and they don't always go over well, and then I return home and wonder 'why didn't I just do my shit and go home'. We're restructuring but it's basically just trying to reduce expenses. They fired someone who had been sick for ~5 months with no improvements and people are up in arms. We got a lot of sick days and every single person who comes from a private company is wondering why they aren't firing people already, but I guess you can't as easily in the public sector, which is kinda why I wanna get an office gig here. I'm incredibly paranoid about being fired despite only happening once from a terrible company by a to-be-revealed murderous pedophile.

Starting January I really should start finding another job as if I was getting fired. I've become too comfortable here and it's annoying when I hear other people quitting or acting like getting a new job is easy breezy for them. Annoying part is I'll need to apply for maternity covers or "lowly" positions, but I've incredible paranoia about being laid off but a one-year maternity cover at a larger corporation surely will result in employment or at least enough time to find something new.. Or I could sober up for a fucking moment and realize I've been here less than two years and I'm very fortunate, probably making more than some better qualified yanks here, though I should be comparing to my own countrymen I guess.

That little voice in the middle of deep relaxation going "oop what if you're getting stuck here?". I've told myself I only want 2-3 year employments on my resume instead of skating around for a small increase every year, so I'm on track. I'll be working like 27-29 years and my real problem is finding purpose outside work anyway.
 
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Brett DeLawyer said:
Old man orange cat I’ve had for 15 years has died. I keep expecting him, he’s just always there? In the window, under my feet, by the food bowl. But now he’s not there and it’s weird. His adopted alley cat (he had his own orange cat, we weren’t gonna keep her but he fell in love) is left behind and she, too, seems weird. She hasn’t been an only cat since whatever her life was before she barged in.

Mentioned to my ma how we would probably get the cat (and my kid) a kitten after some time had passed and she just said “no, the cat will be fine, you shouldn’t bother.” ??? The woman perplexes me.

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Your little man was adorable. He's got that elderly cat scruffy look that I find so sweet. And clearly well loved, with that wonderful blanket :)
The getting used to them not being around is the toughest part. I haven't had pets in years, but I still miss it. My cat would sleep on my feet while I was doing remote work. Slippers just don't cut it.
15 is a great age. My oldest was about to hit 20 before we lost her - Would have been a great milestone!
 
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Trying to stay sober. The rest of the time I feel pretty checked out. I've got the critical areas of my life figured out, but I'm not moving towards anything. I don't have any greater purpose. I have stable housing, a good job, make good money, stay in shape, get a date every now and then. But I can't imagine where I'm going to be in 5,10,15,20,30 years etc. there's nothing there. The traditional life goals of house/marriage/kids don't appeal to me. I've gotten my fill of immediate gratification - traveled extensively, partying, sex, drugs, other dangerous/stupid shit. I want something bigger but I have no concept of what that thing is or how I get it. Until I figure out what that is and obtain it, it's like I'm stuck in this existential limbo. A big chunk of me wants the Apocalypse to hurry it's ass up to break up the monotony.
 
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Been in a slump lately. Normally I'd chalk it up to the season, what with the days growing shorter and the weather getting colder in my part of the world, but I feel like I can't keep using that excuse when this slump started months ago.
I'm lonely as fuck but I can't keep a normal schedule, so my isolation becomes even clearer when all of my socialisation either happens once a week during my art class or it's online.
I'm ugly, fat and have a slew of mental issues that makes me a bottom tier woman at best. "Pussy is pussy" I hear you say and while that's true, I'm not that kind of woman and while I do crave physical intimacy, I want intimacy and not just sex.
Other than that, things are going better than they have in the last 15 odd years. I'm living on my own, my tard wrangler sees me twice a week on average and while my house is a mess I don't feel like I'm living in a depression nest. My dog is happy and healthy, even if she might be going through a phantom pregnancy for the first time in her life at 9.
I can't really complain about anything but the loneliness.
 
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I'm awfully emotional today. It isn't her first time doing something like this, so I should've expected it; I got into a petty argument with my sister, and with the most venomous tone possible, she spat back at me:
"You've never experienced any real pain in your life."
I can't discern if she even really meant this or if she just said it because she knew it would shut me down. It would make me remember all those horrible things that I try and forget every night all over again for an hour or two of rest. Because it's the only way to achieve what comes naturally to other people.
I've spent these years of my life since then desperate for even a minute of the internal peace I used to have. It feels like my youth and sanity died over there, and what they shipped home is just an empty shell. I just can't make peace with the fact that this is what I have to live with for years. Often it feels like some of my family members purposefully try to upset me by directly or indirectly bringing these things up, almost using them as some kind of weapon against me. I can't even be mad at them. Truthfully, it makes me almost happy that they're so comfortable saying these kinds of things, because I know they never have and never will experience what I have. And they'll indulge in that comfort. I will not.
I watched my friends die.
 
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My heart goes out to you guys dealing with suicides- this may or may not be your experiences, but I found it very hard to discuss my roommate's attempted suicide IRL due to the circumstances and not wanting to deal with potentially political comments or comments in general.

It is another example of kiwifarms and its lack of censorship being great IMO.

boards of canada said:
"You've never experienced any real pain in your life."
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This type of exchange was extremely common between clients and staff at the homeless shelter I used to work at. It's so dehumanizing and self-pitying, so self-centered it's really amazing. It's one thing to say "no one understands what I'm going through" (because no one else does know exactly what's going on in your head) but it's another to say that you simply are on a totally different plane than everyone else. Not just to hyperfocus on your own suffering, but to minimize everyone else's. us It usually segues into "and that's why I can't follow the rules/make good choices/have self control" although they often don't say that part out loud. People like that need Jesus, seriously.

I have also experienced the part where you have a little flashback memory montage from hell as they go "you just know nothing about xyz!" And you just have to hit them with one of these looks because it's not like they're actually open for you to share anything with.

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"You think I know nothing about that, huh?"

I cannot believe I've had aspiration pnemonia so many times this year. I'm obviously happy to like, not live in rural India where I would have just died or whatever, but regardless of that, I'm not really happy with the level of medical care I've gotten. They keep going "oh yeah the test is positive for this, take these pills." I try to ask questions and they all want me to just ask my neurologist instead, they don't want to say shit. Well I see my neuro for like 15 minutes every 6 months and when I ask HIM he tells me he either doesn't know or to go ask some other doctor.

Warning: long paragraphs
I tried to go through a local service that's very highly rated for eating disorder challenges, but they refused to even assess me because of my physical comorbidities. Like, I can't find a dietitian, they all tell me to go to my neuro. Like 3 years ago was my last round with a SLP, which is who the neuro sent me to- my insurance ran out for that and honestly I was also pretty tapped out/felt like it got useless. I've plataued in terms of recovery from nerve damage, but I'm still not done trying to improve my situation. My neuro told me to ask my GP, and my GP basically told me to Google it.

The short of it is that I probably shouldn't eat solid/non-modified foods because I can't swallow properly after GBS, but I've never been able to adjust to a liquid diet and no one seems to understand that you can't just throw shit in a blender and call it a day or live off protein shakes. I'm a young man and I start going literally insane that I feel like I'm never able to eat REAL FOOD. It's not like it is when you have to go on a clear liquid fast for 24hrs for a surgery prep. It's been YEARS and I'm going INSANE thinking about the rest of my life. At some point this year the magically addictive vice of chew/spit entered my life and I've been losing about 1lbs a week since by "eating" whatever I want without swallowing anything at all. It took me a pretty long time to even recognize that chew/spit is a disordered behavior and my own GP brushed it off and said she "couldn't see any issue with that." I am a reasonably atheletic male and none of it is a body image thing.

I want dietian advice, not a cuddly therapist and it just seems impossible to find what I'm looking for.

Yes they sell specialized dysphagia foods- Thick water is a meme for how disgusting it is, and in general all of those products are highly processed expensive crap made for memaw dying in the hospital after her stroke. Not for living off of. Most of the recipes I find online are pretty demented, and a lot of them are designed for bariatric diets or other, very temporary conditions, or very old people. None of them are designed for an active mid-20s man who is losing his shit over not being able to eat pizza and bbq with his buddies. I don't want split pea soup. I don't want blended meatloaf. I want to eat DORITOS. Every time I find a supplement product (i.e. meal replacement shakes) that's got good macros, tastes okay, and isn't too pricy, within a few months I'm so freaking sick of it I never want it ever again. Even as a kid I was never a big fan of milk or shakes, I've never been able to handle soy, pea, or whey protein, and I hate the taste of most artificial sweeteners- so I'm in pretty bad shape here.

Lately my diet is a lot of plain kefir (God bless, I never get sick of it), blended fruits+greek yogurt, I know how to make tuna/salmon/etc, chicken, or egg salad that I can eat, mashed potatoes, and I make soups and dump collagen protein in there. And ice cream. But all of that stuff is so hard to pack to take to work, and in general it's quite hard for me to figure out the logistics of eating a meal away from home. It can feel pretty isolating, and I really don't like to take food in public when it looks obviously pureed/like baby food. I like rice and other grains but definitely can't eat things like that without it being blended smooth, even cereals. There are a lot of things that are decieving: I feel like they'd be easy to eat, but they're also so easy to aspirate/choke into my lungs. It gets really embarressing when my friends make an effort, or assure me that I'll be able to find something to eat at the restaurant because they assume I can eat soups with rice, or eat ice cream that's full of chocolate chips and crushed nuts.

But it gets much, much worse when I choke at the table, and obviously I keep dealing with the worst part, the pneumonia stuff. Who gets pneumonia so often in their 20s? It's ridiculous that they just keep giving me drugs and sending me on my way. This is absurd!

I hope maybe some lurker gets use out of this somehow- I definitely haven't been able to find anyone else in this sort of position in life.

I just want to pay money to see a dietitian, it can't be this hard.
 
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