How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Spent the day at a boat history museum. Seeing 6 mast large ships that were built 20 mins away in what is now a ghost of its former self. Where the fuck did people go? Those thousands of people relying on a local ship dock. Moved to the city, which is a continuing trend?

No social gathering points, clubs and sports are for kids and pensioners, no one takes professional pride in their work and people rather overwork than spend those hours bettering themselves.

I'm so fucking cracked I'm one bad headspace day away from joining the local protestant knitting club. I also have a hard time processing museum writings. I feel legit retarded. I need to read more.
 
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My oneitis just made her Instagram public, including her stories, so I made a new account for the purpose of looking at them without her knowing it was me.

Coincidentally a few hours ago I dreamt that she'd change her profile pic or something but I didn't realize there'd be something this big.

Why don't I respect myself enough?
 
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Had a good laugh while sketching a face from a picture. Today I realized that the addition of just one curvy line attached to the eyebrow can make a sketch of only eyes with eyebrows, nose, and lips look comical.
 
I was cooking ramen and I accidentally spilled a little bit of near boiling water on my foot and I think its going to blister. I just got off work and instead of going straight to bed I decided to COOK and now I'm FUCKED!

I just found out I'm safe from the 55% (I guess it increased from 30%?) layoffs thats happening at my workplace so thats very epic.
 
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Saw some elderly family members today, it was nice. I was bizarrely conscious however of the fact that some, if not all of them, will not be here in as little as a few years. It definitely seems like one of those 'the tide is turning' kind of events, and I wonder what family get togethers will look like in the future.

Unrelated, but also realised that my best friend basically doesn't contact me anymore unless he wants feedback on his art. If I don't respond in kind, I may literally not hear from this person for weeks at a time. Guess that's pretty much over then.
 
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Got back from a distant family Christmas reunion and getting paid a shit ton of money with a new job. My grandmother gave me an quail blanket with along with other cousins and my brother too. After that, I now have a sudden urge to build Lego cars from the grand turismo series. I feel good and I look forward the next year.
 
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I'm going to need to look for a new job soon. I'm beginning to realize that now, because the one I have is toxic in ways that I can no longer overlook. One of my coworkers pulled a fucking gun in the parking lot, because another one threatened her with a tire iron, which is particularly disturbing because we're supposed to be taking care of vulnerable elderly people.

It should be an easy decision, but I'm honestly all kinds of fucked up, and this place has been my home away from home for two years now. I have a master's degree. I deserve better. But it's still hard, because there are so many people there who I love, and I don't want to leave them. It's a lot.

Idk. I'm trying not to PL too hard, but I'm supposedly "pliant, submissive, loyal, [and] humble" according to the Prophet Wikipedia (ﷺ), who I looked to like a retard after finding out from a psychiatrist a few years back that I was the sneaky kind of batshit crazy, and it's hard for me to tell someone to fuck off even when I really fucking have to. I've got to get out of this mess, though.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant. I'll probably be out of there by Monday, but damn. I fucking hate this.
 
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Imposter system really hard (which makes me feel like I'm a big baby that needs asspats for everything I do).

I hope all the kiwis out there are having a good night, and I hope your holiday season is spent with those you love and that love you :3
 
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regginknurd said:
Imposter system really hard (which makes me feel like I'm a big baby that needs asspats for everything I do).
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I feel that. Especially the latter half, pestering for assurance is a downer when you're doing just fine.
Try to keep in mind that you're truly doing well when there is a lack of negative feedback.
 
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I need to fix my life, I just do not even know where to begin. I'm broke, KHHV diagnosed autistic living at home with aging parents living on SSI. I have no friends and I'm genuinely losing my fucking marbles. I haven't talked to another human besides my family in fucking weeks.

I don't even know if it's possible to unfuck this mess. Fucking therapy is completely worthless. The pills don't do fuck all besides make me sleep all day and bottle up my anger.

I don't even care about PL'ing anymore since I literally have nothing left to lose.

I want out. I want to either die in my sleep or at least be able to fix this travesty in some way.
 
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I'm just concentrating on getting through the month and the first couple of weeks in January. I finally got a job offer after months of searching and start then. It doesn't pay as much as my last position, but the stress levels should be way better. A nice early birthday gift for sure.
 
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Getting close to my "look for a new job" deadline. I'm fine writing applications and it feels good sending them out, but I fear going 6 months without a single interview and just realizing "oh, I got no future with my current skills and either need to allocate time to a qualification, that may lead nowhere, or just.. work here forever". Gonna be a rough reality check.
Betonhaus said:
I think I might have reached a point where my employment future has been planned out, which is a weird feeling after years of chaos and odd jobs I saw no future in.
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It's nuts to me how people act like landing a gig is just, the next 5 years of your life secured. People get fired 0-5 times in their lives, at the most, and rarely from their own actions, but I got fired on my first 'real' (shit, swing door) job, so I'm just hyper paranoid. I'm seeking work in the public sector solely because you can go through an entire cancer treatment and not get fired from absence. Also fuck selling product for shareholder value.
 
Had surgery last week to remove an enormous cyst from the left side of my jaw. It stretched from the joint all the way down to the chin.
I was warned there could be nerve damage with the procedure. After surgery it looked like I got away with it, but numbness has developed on the left side of my chin and appears to be growing,
I'm told it could take up to 18 months to recover feeling.
If it's not come back in that time it's permanent.
Scared the numbness is going to keep going and take over the side of my face. I wonder how I'll live with that, already feel less of a person, like losing a chunk of yourself
 
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