How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Nameless One]

Well, like you do something and suddenly have a thought about a joke or an idea for a video or you have the right answer for the conversation you had days ago and you just can't get rid of it, but at the same time you enjoy this distraction while realizing it is harmful to your task?

Uhhh.... yea? Kind of. I have some lingering thoughts and a lot going on 24/7. I don't talk to many people about it since its the only struggle I alone would understand.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Uhhh.... yea? Kind of. I have some lingering thoughts and a lot going on 24/7. I don't talk to many people about it since its the only struggle I alone would understand.

Thank you.

 

[Phoenix Connexion]

If nothing ever happens on even this notorious Kiwi farms site then and now, then the other sides are ought to be as well nothing happened.

 

[Ultrapenguin]

I don't want to create a new thread so I'll have to ask here. People who are diagnosed with ADHD, how does it feel? For the most of my life I thought it's like being high on caffeine, you just can't hold any idea or task for long enough, but I've watched some videos and it actually feels like a lack of lasting motivation, when you just don't enjoy anything enough to finish and the tasks that you have to do are even impossible to start. Self diagnosing is gay and stupid, but I've felt like this for the longest time. My parents told me I was just lazy.

It probably could be its own thread, because there's a lot of contention as to what ADHD is supposed to be and how valid it is.
People claim all kinds of symptoms all over the map and a lot like autism it really seems like one of those modern catch-all disorders that's used to explain any incongruity between a person's behavior/impulses and the vision of ideal bugperson behavior.

Though there are (according to the books) subtypes, hyperactive vs. inattentive.
Inattentive is the type you might see in adults a lot, it involves a ton of daydreaming and detachment from a person's environment, where as hyperactive is the more classical version where someone's really twitchy and can't ever shut off.

Without going into too much personal detail I never bought much into it at any point, I still can't tell where personality is supposed to end and "disorder" is supposed to begin, I never found medication provided therapeutic benefit, or any desirable effects at all in fact...I relate to the things you're saying, but myself, I struggle to see lack of motivation/distractability as a disorder and not a natural consequence of a lot things in the modern world being shitty and gay, within a demotivating environment.

 

[Nameless One]

It probably could be its own thread, because there's a lot of contention as to what ADHD is supposed to be and how valid it is.
People claim all kinds of symptoms all over the map and a lot like autism it really seems like one of those modern catch-all disorders that's used to explain any incongruity between a person's behavior/impulses and the vision of ideal bugperson behavior.

Though there are (according to the books) subtypes, hyperactive vs. inattentive.
Inattentive is the type you might see in adults a lot, it involves a ton of daydreaming and detachment from a person's environment, where as hyperactive is the more classical version where someone's really twitchy and can't ever shut off.

Without going into too much personal detail I never bought much into it at any point, I still can't tell where personality is supposed to end and "disorder" is supposed to begin, I never found medication provided therapeutic benefit, or any desirable effects at all in fact...I relate to the things you're saying, but myself, I struggle to see lack of motivation/distractability as a disorder and not a natural consequence of a lot things in the modern world being shitty and gay, within a demotivating environment.

Pharmaceutical industry pushed for specific disorders to medicate the masses more into the ideal personality I guess, far easier than trying to explain whats wrong with us. I'll do that PL thing, since I already brought it up a while ago but I was "diagnosed" with autism at the age of 3. Quite the early one lol. ADHD also came along. I don't feel like I have a disorder, but there are some issues I notice comparing myself to others. That's the damndest thing though, ain't it? I am hyperactive in the sense that I think a lot. Exhaustively so. It annoys me sometimes but I've lived with it all my life. Right now let's say my mind paces as I type and that's also why you'll notice that I edit often, just to refine everything and perfect it or try to add more of what I didn't initially think of typing.

 

[Day of the Cope]

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do, it never seems to be enough for some people.

 

[Nameless One]

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do, it never seems to be enough for some people.

Some people just won't appreciate you like that sadly. The ones who do matter a lot, but in many cases sadly it's the ones who matter to you who make you feel like you aren't good enough. You're enough though. You've gotten this far. No turning back.

 

[Day of the Cope]

Some people just won't appreciate you like that sadly. The ones who do matter a lot, but in many cases sadly it's the ones who matter to you who make you feel like you aren't good enough. You're enough though. You've gotten this far. No turning back.

Feels like some people just want to be angry and you're the right place in the wrong time.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I relate to the things you're saying, but myself, I struggle to see lack of motivation/distractability as a disorder and not a natural consequence of a lot things in the modern world being shitty and gay, within a demotivating environment.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do, it never seems to be enough for some people.

Well, like you do something and suddenly have a thought about a joke or an idea for a video or you have the right answer for the conversation you had days ago and you just can't get rid of it, but at the same time you enjoy this distraction while realizing it is harmful to your task?

I don't know if it's AD/HD CPTSD or whatever new term but I just can't let the past go. Rejection, cruelty, letting people treat me a certain way. It just hits so hard usually at my job or late at night and I might as well not even be here. It makes me have this agitation or coldness that people can see, which makes me hate myself more because I don't want to be a dick.
I just have found myself in environments (mostly work or living) where I've essentially just been harassed by people and haven't been able to properly defend myself out of fear of losing whatever loose footing I already had. It just compounds over time until it eats at me even when I should be having a good time. I wish I could have those 90s' film moments where I tell someone off but it rarely happens. It's gotten better over the last year but still enough damage has been done that I can't not go back to any random memory I've had and just want to die for the rest of the day.

 

[#FreeRoss]

I felt great today; I lost some weight and fasted. I was doing amazing, and then I had some negative thoughts creep up on me, mainly FOMO about not going to high school, but I will hopefully overcome those thoughts. Overall, things are looking up for me, but I think the only way I can overcome the whole FOMO over high school is if I get to attend in-person college. I have recently had the revelation that I can't be afraid to stand up for myself, so I will try to stand my ground when discussing this issue with my family.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

Could be something innocent like a dishwasher or tumble dryer? They can sound like that through walls. The cycle on those can be 2 hours plus too.

It's happened in at least three rooms, so dishwasher is out (unless he's moving it around the house lol.) Entirely possible it's some other kind of machine though.

To me it sounds like an unbalanced washer or dryer.
.... This might be retarded, but have you considered the possibility this guy is deaf? Maybe leave a nice paper note with your phone number? Or try to catch the guy who visits/ likely his dad?

And does it always seem to come from the same place in the house or not? I was kinda confused. Not sure if this is beyond what you want to share, but an audio recording would obviously be incredibly useful. Is it totally regular, like a machine, or random but just every few seconds?

Ideas:
He's got a treadmill or something that is noisy from him stomping on it.


Unbalanced washer/dryer/dishwasher.

He's got some autistic gaming rig: force feedback, like racing sim stuff, vr stuff, gun/tank sim stuff.
Look at this:

Lots of hobbies involve hammering or small machines you may never have seen. Or a punching bag or other things you repeatedly strike- but usually people don't do that "for hours."
Even more autistic... have you ever seen those cat exercise wheels? They can make quite a noise. But you'd think a cat would also do that at night.

I don't grow drugs in my house and I fully admit I avoid my neighbors, so personally I wouldn't take that as a sign of him being shady by itself.

I am very curious and hope you find a good resolution, please give updates if you have any or any more info.

I've heard the sound directly on the other side of the wall in three rooms - both bedrooms, and the living room. I can hear it from the kitchen occasionally, but in that case the sound seems to travel, so it's unlikely to be a washing machine/drier.

The gaming rig idea is probably the closest so far, though that appears more as a 'clatter' than a thudding noise. Same as the punching bag/other exercise thing, it's possible.

Deaf thing definitely not, as the first (and only) time I spoke to this guy, he was perfectly able and capable of speaking and listening without issue. I know that's not a smoking gun, but I didn't sense anything of the sort.

The mystery continues...

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

February 14th. I'm getting dried up of obsession with a woman, who most certainly doesn't feel the same way to me. I'm sure it's obsession, not love, but I've never actually loved before.
It is a self-destructive and indignifying feeling, when you are made to love someone by some imperceptible omnipresent force of nature you have no control over.

Anonymously sent my co-worker I have feelings to a bouquet of roses on February 14th.
Today I admitted to her that I was the one who sent the bouquet and asked whether that was confusing or not. It actually was.
I'm glad I did something not in my nature and I'm glad there is less uncertainty from now on.
I'm also glad I'm using meds and my despondency is numbed.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

I felt great today; I lost some weight and fasted. I was doing amazing, and then I had some negative thoughts creep up on me, mainly FOMO about not going to high school, but I will hopefully overcome those thoughts. Overall, things are looking up for me, but I think the only way I can overcome the whole FOMO over high school is if I get to attend in-person college. I have recently had the revelation that I can't be afraid to stand up for myself, so I will try to stand my ground when discussing this issue with my family.

You've got this my nigga. I've began a cut as well. Fasting is cool, I just drink a nitro cold brew or a zero sugar monster and power through the day. I've noticed you really only feel hungry for the first couple hours or so, after that it's smooth sailing,

 

[huesofmercury]

forever always as meh as meh could ever be.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

forever always as meh as meh could ever be.

We get it.

 

[Caddo Cobgang]

I need to get off these fucking meds, I will never forgive the pharmaceutical companies, I’m strongly considering cold turkey but also afraid as I’ve been prescribed like 4 different meds since I was a kid

 

[DenseDeerFather]

I don't want to create a new thread so I'll have to ask here. People who are diagnosed with ADHD, how does it feel? For the most of my life I thought it's like being high on caffeine, you just can't hold any idea or task for long enough, but I've watched some videos and it actually feels like a lack of lasting motivation, when you just don't enjoy anything enough to finish and the tasks that you have to do are even impossible to start. Self diagnosing is gay and stupid, but I've felt like this for the longest time. My parents told me I was just lazy.

Spoiler: PL about attention deficit disorders

Probably not relevant since it's "quiet ADHD" but I happen to have been diagnosed with ADD. Take away the high on caffeine and everything is pretty accurate. I used to compare it to a bubble surrounding my brain where I couldn't concentrate on any tasks for any required amount of time and even simple chores became impossibly overwhelming.

I'm medicated now so it's a lot easier to manage. I can certainly feel the differences between the days where I am drugged and the days I am not because the latter makes me a complete mess.

Adversely, I occasionally hyperfocus so much on a task that I sometimes forget to eat or take breaks or go to the restroom. I've found that alarms and stubbornness to get the basic human stuff done help a lot. I too believe self-diagnosing is gay and cringe but if you have a worry or something, it's worth to get it checked out. Anyway, I don't think you're lazy but I am not a professional so I won't diagnose you with something.

Anyway, I am doing okay I guess. I mean I am quite tired these past couple of days yet I wake up stupidly early at 3:30, then 4:30, and so on and so forth. In all fairness it's my duty gene that builds itself an internal alarm clock so I will never oversleep and always wake up way ahead of time on any appointment I may have.

Also it was an okay-ish time at work today. I had a meeting with my boss where I managed to fully air my grievances with my current tasks and it actually helped a lot in making me understand what it is he actually wanted me to do with their social media. In turn I think it helped him understand that I'm the type of person that wants tasks instead of abstract concepts and I need some pointers.

On the flipside, pollen season started early and my allergy is not fucking having it. It's really bad this year. I'm having flashbacks to high school where PE teacher set all classes outdoors as soon as we got back from the holidays and I had to sit out sometimes because my allergies were so bad I could barely function.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

What do you do when you don't want to contribute to the world anymore or think you can do anything to contribute to it?
Everything I enjoyed for the first two thirds of my life has been destroyed the homogenization of society.
Even the "real jobs" I hear about that everyone says to get I end up hearing about having endless bureaucracy and politics going on, if you can even get them. If my basic-ass job has been ruined over the last year by becoming just a high school popularity contest than I can't even imagine how bad it gets corporate world.
Youtube used to give me joy but now is just a miserable waste of time outside of some music finds.
Everyone on here sings the praises of AI because it make twitter artists screech, which is admirable, but they also could give less of a shit how demoralizing it is to anyone who wants to make anything naturally to see something that can forever outpace them that can be made by anyone.
I can't remember the last song I heard on the radio that I even remember as being bad. It's just monochrome and hollow.
I miss going into a random shitty fast-food chain and still seeing some color and attention-to-detail.

I know getting older is realizing you can't shit your pants watching cartoons and playing vidya anymore and life becoming more "stale", but it's not nostalgia. I really think the modern world has been so fucked so quickly that it feels hard to generate joy for anything.
Yeah, I do the things you need to. I go outside, I eat slightly better, go for walks, ect. The usual stuff everyone says. But I really don't think that's the point.
It's not depression.
I just really hate this world that's been left for us and know a lot of people do too, but don't know if I can do much about it. And I don't think just becoming some neo-amish type that watches stuff my childhood while jacking off and crying into a napkin making youtube comments about "the good ole' days" really helps anyone.
Everything is gone.

Outside of excessively liberal cities that are more overpriced every year, there's not many places left where you find a niche store or a local run indie theater or a club to get away from the hustle of life. They never last that long.

And for anyone who says it's all the "woke" I don't buy it. My small red town has gotten rid of almost every avenue for people younger than retirement age to enjoy anything. The theaters' gone. The bowling alley. The very small things that make up a community, gone. Just for another car lot or shitty chain to take it's place. The right doesn't care as long as their pockets are lined.

I know the current administration is fixing some stuff but there's been so much damage done I don't know if I'll ever see that world again.
The most fucked thing is my life wasn't even objectively great when the world was better so I lament the fact I didn't even get to properly enjoy a lot of the stuff from the past because I was just trying to get through the day most times. So I don't even feel like I have as much of a frame of reference for happiness sometimes. I just know the feeling the world had before the powers that be decided they could wave their dicks around with barely any consequences.
The truth is I don't want medication. I don't want to be well-adapted to this shit. Because it's concerning. I shouldn't be ecstatic to function in this world because the world itself feels non-functioning.

I really just fucking hate the last ten years.

 

[Jonah Hill poster]

I’m actively regaining my focusing and life skills after catching a fever for almost a week and a half. Being off the Internet and re-learn certain things through video form can take a lot out of you.

 

[Betonhaus]

ugh i've got the chunky sniffles