How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Two by Four]

Objectively speaking, life is very good. I've hit a big opportunity at work to advance my career, but I am naturally terrified I will fuck it up.

I'm also going to be at a level where I can't just put my head down and avoid conflicts but will have to argue with people (some more senior than me); this fills me with anxiety. I have a meeting tomorrow which will likely set the tone for the forseeable future and I am shitting myself.

This, too, shall pass.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Dawned on me how much I crippled myself by moving away to study. Every single adult memory and experience I have has taken place in this bubble two hours away from the rest of my life. There's no overlap of juggling work while visiting the parents while meeting up with old classmates. No "just us back here in the childhood town huh lmao". No "ay bruv i'm back for a week where u @". I have coworkers with kids and grandkids who grew up in the same 30 minute radius here and saw the cities and people change. Kid moved 15 mins west, new flirt 20 mins east. Boring sunday? Drive home to visit mom. Any and all interaction with what little remains of my family is hours away.

I'm not even afraid of meeting old classmates. If anything I'm one of the losers now, having neither career nor a family, but it's especially hurtful knowing how -many- got partners. To not have one is practically justified by having a career. None of them ended up lone losers. 30 kids in my class, and I'm one of 2 or 3 who ended up like this. Sure, I was never sociable and shit, but really? Was I that oblivious to how low quality I am? Or did I simply uproot 18 years of my life to move away and start from scratch, poorly?

I've been coming to terms with a lot of things lately. I desperately wanted to meet new people, but in doing so I created a personality that really made me unhappy. Playing dumb is like a super power of mine and calling out other people's bullshit doesn't win you much approval when you aren't discriminatory towards friend or foe. Unfortunately, it's who I am.

Whenever I feel like I've gotten comfortable being a loudmouth at work, I realize 'oh right, this isn't me. I'm a quiet shut-in and I know people would like me all the same'. I try my best for myself; never go out shopping with greasy hair in sweats, and that's just is how I am. It's not to impress others but to feel good. Then I see other people looking like shit out and about and go "Oh right there's more important things in life than being sexy at walmart at 9pm" (granted these people are pushing it).

I'm nerdy, ish, but I distance myself from it. I've heard a good looking coworker be like "aw hell yeah nigga i play games all the time" and the women find it quirky and the dudes suddenly open up about it as well. Just, be your fucking self. But it's so hard when you're used to not being accepted as yourself, usually bound in memories formed in childhood and having no foothold at current age. Women are generally pursued more, so there's less need to completely change their lifestyles to get approval. You hear dudes go "lmao hit the gym bruv women are so easy bruv just change everything about yourself in pursuit of them". At the same time a woman can take a selfie in a kitty headset and go "I luv being a healslut UwU" and would get hundreds of likes. No shit they've got an easier time being themselves.

Alternatively: Have friends who appreciate it, but that's a fucking myth in this doomscrolling society.

 

[missnaptime]

went into town today to spend some time with friends. ended up fainting as a result of heart condition in a store. so embarrassed.

 

[Brain Power]

The whole country is without electricity, what the fuck. Nice try venecos, still not sympathizing with them.

Edit: Turns out a colombian company was responsible. That's not much better. Why is a foreign organization in charge of one of the most basic services of a country!?

 

[Scream Aim Fire]

Got back from the family trip that we had planned; it was... honestly pretty alright. The hotel we stayed at was nice, the location was nice, generally a good time all around for the most part. I did end up sick; watched a bike show with my family, some of the fumes ended up giving me a rather nasty headache. I also got to play that video game sequel I mentioned several months ago; contrary to what the doomsayers on Discord were preaching, I had fun. It was definitely dumbed down and made more family-friendly in comparison to the original - think DS2 compared to DS1, basically - but I'm willing to give it another go if I ever go back with my family.

Aside from that, I've got some story details finished; character design is basically done, though I still need to work on some details, and I've got an idea for the plot - urban/science fantasy, essentially. That being said, there's another issue I've gotten hung up on, that being the actual plot contents; I like to take the piss out of a lot of "current year" cliches and such, but I've hit a bit of a snag with what to do now. I was either going to stick with focusing on "modern" issues (such as cybercrimes and counterterrorism and such) or base the storyline off of WW2, as I've done quite a bit of research on the subject - and because everyone won't stop screeching about "Nazis" these days. I'm stuck choosing between the two, because the "modern" plot is a bit random overall, while WW2 is more focused, but... it feels "disrespectful" using it as the basis for what was supposed to be a lighter fantasy plot.

 

[Betonhaus]

Based on my current finances I can really only set aside maybe $600 a month on a big purchase, and after being super poor for years I have a $3,000 backlog of necessary big purchases - not including fixing or replacing my car (latter will be cheaper).

 

[Two by Four]

Objectively speaking, life is very good. I've hit a big opportunity at work to advance my career, but I am naturally terrified I will fuck it up.

I'm also going to be at a level where I can't just put my head down and avoid conflicts but will have to argue with people (some more senior than me); this fills me with anxiety. I have a meeting tomorrow which will likely set the tone for the forseeable future and I am shitting myself.

This, too, shall pass.

It all came good kiwibros, I was worried about nothing and the tiny rational voice in my head was right all along (it always is).
I did literally almost shit myself though; I picked up a stomach bug lmao.

Based on my current finances I can really only set aside maybe $600 a month on a big purchase, and after being super poor for years I have a $3,000 backlog of necessary big purchases - not including fixing or replacing my car (latter will be cheaper).

Gotta start somewhere boss, keep at it

 

[huesofmercury]

forever meh as meh could ever be.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

forever meh as meh could ever be.

I'm nerdy, ish, but I distance myself from it. I've heard a good looking coworker be like "aw hell yeah nigga i play games all the time" and the women find it quirky and the dudes suddenly open up about it as well. Just, be your fucking self. But it's so hard when you're used to not being accepted as yourself, usually bound in memories formed in childhood and having no foothold at current age. Women are generally pursued more, so there's less need to completely change their lifestyles to get approval. You hear dudes go "lmao hit the gym bruv women are so easy bruv just change everything about yourself in pursuit of them". At the same time a woman can take a selfie in a kitty headset and go "I luv being a healslut UwU" and would get hundreds of likes. No shit they've got an easier time being themselves.

Yeah that's the thing I dislike the most about modern dialogue regarding men. The whole self-improvement meme is a cope. You don't need to be jacked or even a decent guy to land a girl. I found out the other day after reconnecting with a friend from childhood that her brother, a man who hijacked a police car and rammed it into another one, found a seemingly decent girl he's going to marry on Penpal while in prison. I kind of wanted to die after reading that.
Don't buy into the gaslighting my lads. Women do just really be retarded sometimes.


Anyways, I know it's an unpopular opinion here but AI really does terrify me man. It's very demotivating to want to work on anything when that stuff can be shitting out movies eventually. I know it's fun to see twitter artists seethe but it really is kind of a killjoy to want to work physically in a field you love and see people put out stuff faster without having to do pretty much any legwork. Shit's kind of existentially terrifying.

 

[Mortan Shekelstorm]

I do wish I had friends in real life but besides that I'm great

 

[missnaptime]

student finance can suck my dick and so can the old, doddering fucking pajeet who could barely speak english when I was on the phone to them earlier. How hard is it to ask for a simple fucking form to be emailed to an address that they already have on the fucking system???

 

[DenseDeerFather]

Really tired.

I think it might be overstimulation from yesterday. Hung out with a bunch of friends and it was fun - and loud and extremely immature in a funny juvinile way because my god, we may be in our twenties but we all seem to have the maturity of 12 year olds. That said it's nice to not adult all the time but my god, does it drain me.

It's also cold as balls. We're on our way to March, it's should not be fucking 3 degrees Celsius.

Productive day at work as well. That conversation helped quite a lot because I could work way more efficiently. We have a woodstove that boss fucked up when he tried to light it so the whole office was filled with smoke. Didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

And I finally reached a round number on my savings so that's nice.

Also since I live in Europe, I have easy access to watching Eurovision every year and we are having our own song contest this weekend to determine what song will be sent to represent my country - and fail at the semi finals yet again. Been watching this shit ironically to shit on everything about it for ages and maybe discover a good song or two.

 

[Bruce LaLiLuLeLo]

Idk if this is one of those short ephemeral feelings but I truly dont want to exist anymore. Everything fucking sucks, everybody seems to hate me or mock me, my life seems to have hit a brick wall and I feel like Ive got no place in the world. Its probably my fault since Im stupid and arrogant and lash out at people in autistic fashion when things go wrong but I dont want other people to be affected because of me. Its one of those moments when Im desperate for MAID or committing a crime so someone would just shoot me, I cant keep continuing on like this in a hollow fascimilie of lifeless ruin and I dont want to start desiring the suffering of others for some semblance of comfort. But for the sake of my family, I hope its just a feeling even if this is the millionth time Im having it.

 

[Imp]

Just to put a different perspective on life here: my 95 year old mom has been in the doldrums lately. "Why did I have to be left behind?" She was referring to outliving all her siblings, her husband, and her extended family and now she's stuck living with me in a state far away from her home state. I don't know, I saw my dad's sister live to 96 in her house, with assistance, and she died in her bed. That's the ideal, isn't it? Live long and healthy then die at home in bed. My aunt became very vague and probably had dementia in her last few years, didn't recognize me about 18 months before her death.

Age has really changed my mom into a completely (almost) different person. It's difficult at times to live with her, especially with her old lady noises. She clears her throat at top volume and murmurs 'uh' or 'umph' or 'eh' every few seconds like a tic for the olds, to comfort herself. I doubt she even knows she is doing it. What do I say - mom, stop making monkey noises before I explode? That sound cuts through even noise cancelling headphones with music or video. She feels like she is imposing on my life more than enough already.

Anyway, I find living with her enlightening and maddening. Happy day my kiwibros and kiwisises.

 

[Lukie]

Briefly went into town today to buy a new white shirt and black trousers for the funeral. Although I was unsuccessful it was lovely to get outside as it felt like the first day that spring has started.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Whatever your kids decide to do, especially at that age you should tell them how proud you are, they’ll get embarrassed but will appreciate it nonetheless. It’s not high school, there is a lot less teenage defiance and they’ll treasure a simple kind word, especially one that feels earned, a lot. Even if your kid wants to go a different direction in life, knowing he or she did well in anything is a huge boost for college-age kids trying to figure things out.

On a somewhat related note, looks like another kid in the Pyrrhic family. Going to be the biggest adjustment since the first but I know we can figure it out.

Congratulations! That's wonderful news!

And thank you - I tell my kids I'm proud of them often, whether it's academics/other achievements, "adulting," handling challenges well, or whatever. I think reinforcing positive behaviors, stretch efforts, and thoughtful decisionmaking is important and encourages a strong sense of self and capability, which is what I want for them most of all. And it just warms my motherly heart to see them smile when they get that affirmation and are emboldened by it.

Objectively speaking, life is very good. I've hit a big opportunity at work to advance my career, but I am naturally terrified I will fuck it up.

I'm also going to be at a level where I can't just put my head down and avoid conflicts but will have to argue with people (some more senior than me); this fills me with anxiety. I have a meeting tomorrow which will likely set the tone for the forseeable future and I am shitting myself.

This, too, shall pass.

Nervousness is OK - and remember, there's a reason you have this opportunity, and it's likely because what you've been doing already has given people confidence in you. Be curious, ask for help when and where you need it, work hard, and watch yourself grow into the opportunity. And obviously I don't know the nature of your work, but if you'll be needing to interact a lot or to get things done with people who don't necessarily agree with you, I'll also recommend doing some side-study on influence in the workplace. If you can get "buy-in" and people's regard generally, you may find you're doing less outright arguing and more momentum-building.

 

[Fyrnite]

I feel like fucking death right now. I got struck with a damn viral infection back on Sunday when I knew I was feeling perfectly fine, I took that Sunday off from work so I gave myself a 4-day weekend (I have 3 days off, work 4 days schedule). Started to cough constantly, didn't think of it, then the coughs became harsh and by Sunday night/Monday morning, I was crippled. Bed-ridden, couldn't move for hours, drinking bottles of water like crazy to where I'm pretty sure I'm fat now just on water weight alone. My cold meds were expired, had to get them replaced. Had no cans of soup, those expired, had to get them replaced. I don't get sick often so that's why those things were an afterthought to me.

Tuesday, I'm only slightly better and had to darken my apartment from all light to have a slight chance of overcoming my sickness. Was able to move a little more, do some errands and whatever else but I'm not 100% still. Wednesday, I get these false intervals with my body where I'm sitting stoic in one place and I think I'm getting better, but, soon as I move around and do things, I'm not anymore. So this whole sickness consumed the entirety of my time off and I had to take today off from work because while the other symptoms weren't as bad, I was still fatigued and slow. My job requires me to be well-paced and I didn't have it. So now this shit is costing me my earnings by loss of hours.

So I'm pissed, I'm still sick and I've lost count now as to how much water I've drank, the meds I took and the many hours of sleep I had to have. Fuck random viral infections.

 

[Rekeita's Kidneys]

My existence is fuelled by sheer spite and hatred.

I'll never be normal, all I can do is live a double life. I basically am an autistic Dexter Morgan minus the serial killing (pending change). I'll hold on another 3 years and see if/how life changes. If I'm stuck in the same spot, I'll probably nose down and call it a night.

I'm tired, tired of masking, tired of being a loser. I genuinely don't know how to salvage this fucked up life. I have no friends, no family, never been in a relationship. Just a traumatized depressed loser who lives with his old ass parents.

 

[Hellwalker]

I think I'm losing interest in the Farms and it's not like in the "other things in my life have taken importance" way since I don't have much in my life to worry about at the moment but just a lack of motivation to browse and post on the Farms. It's a shame to me since it's the only place that I go to nowadays.

 

[Nick Obre]

The whole country is without electricity, what the fuck. Nice try venecos, still not sympathizing with them.

Edit: Turns out a colombian company was responsible. That's not much better. Why is a foreign organization in charge of one of the most basic services of a country!?

At least you had enough signal to post here. I had nothing, and was reduced to reading. Basically my situation: