How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

  • 🔧 At about Midnight EST I am going to completely fuck up the site trying to fix something.
Shit got a lot worse tonight. Actually been kind of loathing my own existence a lot more than usual for some time since the recent sudden betrayal shit a few weeks back. Last few months have been bad but tonight was worse than usual in terms of fighting type shit I get pushed into doing through kafka-esque cycles. Trying to find a fucking plug for an SD card should not result in the kind of conflict that arose. I didn't want the chance of the dog eating it and I kept getting ignored and told I could use someone elses when that wasn't the fucking point. I got hurt and slammed around physically for not following demands and in my desperation caused by that I hurt someone else. Not severely apparently but it's still fucking eating the back of my mind with regret and stress. Please note this is not normal, it likely (hopefully) will not happen again, but now I have a feeling like the other small times I've been pushed mentally till I pop and have a stress outburst and fuck up by yelling back somehow with other shit that people close to me will treat it like I "always do it" and how my dog is "petrified of me" when she clearly isn't.

I REALLY do not like how whenever I try fixing any issue no matter how small it spirals into this kind of shit where everyone ends up miserable and everything returns to square one. THAT SPECIFICALLY has been going on for like seven or eight fucking years now.

I'm angry despairing and fucking freaking out internally but externally I'm pretty "ok". At least I finally found the USB after it was all done this time, it was ironically right where I assumed it was but couldn't fucking check due to the constant barking and arguing. Keeping the details as like non power levelly as possible but I need to get this shit out somewhere.
 
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Welp, things ain't bad, even though I've had two weeks of shit servings from time to time. I had pipes freezing, heating failures, bad days at work, old dental filling starting to fall apart, back injury and it all culminated today with YT fucking my entire long documentary over a couple of seconds of absolutely legal and copyright free material that I wasn't allowed to just edit out to save the rest. Nice! Thank you! Just what I needed to feel like shit before the weekend. I just hope it all to be a harbinger of something really good on the horizon. Otherwise, I feel like I'll be dead by Monday.
Take care and have a wonderful weekend.
 
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My mom got me more pound cake and I fucking love pound cake, but I've mentioned that before. Still true tho. Fuck, I love pound cake!

I'm having a bit of trouble with the capstone of my latest 3dmodel project but I'm still feeling good about it. I'm reviewing my reference material and I see the problems I was having so I'm gonna start over and go about it a little more careful-like.
 
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Give me moais if you must, but I prefer not to shit up the political threads with personal stuff. The frequency with which people irl are telling me we “need” to start shooting right-wingers, not realizing they’re threatening me to my face, is starting to unnerve me a little.
 
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Out of shape enough and depressed enough one or the other will probably be the end of me sooner rather than later. Probably the first as it's bad enough I suspect its unfixable at this point.

On the bright side my hellish employer kept me after firing the rest of my team so I guess somebody will get the corporate life insurance benefit if I'm dead and I keep a roof over everyone's head if I don't.

On the brighter side if I could just drop dead I wouldn't have to be stressed out by the above or in chronic pain. I can't actually be assed to off myself because y'know what kids? Succeeding at it vs potential odds living as a cripple isn't actually the easiest achievement to manage. I'm not a gambling person and I've got shit luck so, there's that.

There's more but it's power levels and Im not in the mood to get "unmasked" by the commie pinkos in tech.

Btw all of tech is full of woke assholes who basically make sport of fucking each other over and congratulating themselves for being good people and the gamer word assholes on the farms are a whole lot nicer when it all sums out.

I hate tech and I hate every faggot asshole narc baby tech bro c suite in it.
 
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Health front: Much better, long ways to go
Money front: Lost bigly in the stock market this week, kind of a sore point
Smoking front: Erased 56 hour streak of no smoking, need to start again very soon.
Offline social activity front: Vast improvement in last two weeks
Kiwi Farms posting front: Not gonna talk about it, still posting a shit ton
 
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Both up and down, honestly. Health's been a concern; my dad's suddenly fell ill about a day or so after we got back from the family trip, so that's been "fun". I might be coming down with something myself; dunno yet, might just be paranoid, but I'm still keeping an eye out. Also doesn't help that I'm currently job-searching; my mother's trying to push me into getting a job at Wal-Mart, since she "met a guy there who said it was such a great job", but I'm hesitant after my last two retail positions.

Writing's a bit mixed; got an idea for a smaller set of stories, only got two of them really figured out, but I also have some idea for the rest, so that's something. I guess?
 
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Haloperidol said:
Give me moais if you must, but I prefer not to shit up the political threads with personal stuff. The frequency with which people irl are telling me we “need” to start shooting right-wingers, not realizing they’re threatening me to my face, is starting to unnerve me a little.
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I'm sorry you're experiencing that man. But I do say this just because it leans into something I was going to post anyways.
I really do think these people's time is drawing to a close. I really hope they start fucking off and leaving you alone in the next year. But I think they're just tired they're not gaining ground anymore and are desperate.

Just wanted to say I'm happy how much I see people starting to go back to normal at least in my neck of the woods.
There's a popular effeminate gay guy where I work who was straight up talking about Canada being a shithole that's main problems are them importing too many pajeets (he didn't say it but he might as well have) and the other day I overheard a pretty popular NBA program with the main cohost talking about a group of people there's words for he can't say that are why sports suck now, doing everything except straight up saying the j word. I hear more coworkers joining into talks about how they don't want troons coming into schools to lecture children. These aren't autistic edgelords or people who spare their spare time on here. These are essentially normies.
I love it.
I LOVE IT.
My friend I occasionally go to the gym with is a bit younger and not as into nerd shit as me but I've gotten him to watch stuff like Cowboy Bebop and Space Dandy and he's really loved it.
I see more people rejecting the newest shit and enjoying good things and not being as retarded and I'm loving it.
It's not even that I agree with half the things I hear people saying, I'm just happy that they're saying them and no one's saying shit to them anymore. I see just small little changes in how people are that makes me just the tiniest bit hopeful for the future if I'm being honest. I'm just happy more and more people aren't doing this shit anymore. I don't want to winds to blow towards the absolute opposite spectrum but for right now I'll take it.
 
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Rekeita's Kidneys said:
I'll never be normal, all I can do is live a double life. I basically am an autistic Dexter Morgan minus the serial killing (pending change). I'll hold on another 3 years and see if/how life changes. If I'm stuck in the same spot, I'll probably nose down and call it a nigh
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I really feel for you friend, but if I can give one piece of advice.
I think you're really leaning into the autism thing way too heavily.
Look, I'm not you. I will never be you. So I can't pretend I know exactly what it is you're going through. But I can relate in certain ways.
I don't know if I'm autistic, I think I just have a lot of PTSD. But honestly at a certain point they're one and the same.
But dude I think your problem is you keep on going into things with the idea you are this freak of nature. You're an autistic loser... so you're an autistic loser. So you're an autistic loser.
I don't know who or how many forced that thought into your head that that's all you have to be but you're weighing yourself down with that shit.
Dude I'm cringe as fuck in real life sometimes. But people can look past certain things or even find them endearing if you're not second-guessing yourself all the time.
Everytime I dated a girl or had a chance with one, you know what was the main thing they said turned them off? My self-esteem. Not my quirks, not my humor, not my different-ed-ness... Those were the things people liked about me. What they didn't like was the awkwardness of never following through on being myself and being okay with it. That inner schizo voice built into you from years of abuse that tells you everything you do is wrong.
Don't be me.
You are never fucking ever going to be normal. But you don't have to be. You just have to be semi-comfortable that you're not. It's a constantly learning process but one you can change and be better at more and more.
If you're in a city with things to do, get a ride to somewhere. Anywhere. Go to the gym. Even if you're ungodly awkward people will converse with you. Go to a hobby shop for something you like. Take a class. Go out to the beach. Go for a walk. Just make small talk with people and eventually when you realize after the 25th of doing it and no one has gone into a frenzy and publicly cried you're an aspire rapist spree shooter and nobody points and stares and lynches you, you'll realize it's (mostly) all in your head. People might give you a look occasionally but that's it.
Give yourself some credit bro. For what it's worth if I actually knew you I'd probably be fine chilling with you. You'll find your people. You just gotta be okay with yourself.

Sorry for ranting. I'm not saying some faggy shit like "You gotta love yourself before others" or "Totally just be you bro!11!" but really stop going for normal because it just makes this uncanny valley effect where you look like a minstrel act. You're not that guy. Just be okay being the occasionally spergy type, find a way to touch some grass and you'll do fine.
 
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My final day of night shift was on Weds, I left halfway in and called off the day after since there was coverage, thank fucking god. I woke up this morning to my boss saying "Call me on the weekend, we need to discuss your timesheet" so i thought I was about to get bitched out for taking time off unannounced but it was just because I had to come in on my first day off to cover for someone, and moved my 2-day weekend accordingly + I only worked 64 hours since I worked a weird weekend schedule that was moving to M-F, so he didn't know what the deal was.

This means my sleep will (hopefully) improve and I won't be a tired fucking husk all the time, and I am currently in the middle of an 11 day leave to unfuck my sleep schedule, which I unfortunately also have to spend doing a ton of shit like changing the address on my drivers license, getting a insanely overdue oil change, getting fingerprinted, etc but yknow.
 
Haloperidol said:
Give me moais if you must, but I prefer not to shit up the political threads with personal stuff. The frequency with which people irl are telling me we “need” to start shooting right-wingers, not realizing they’re threatening me to my face, is starting to unnerve me a little.
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That's concerning. I mean, who are they? Your coworkers, neighbors or God forbid friends? But I understand perfectly. I had and still have to hide my own beliefs and when people are trying to start polit sperging, I just faintly smile and try to change the subject. Well, except one time when one guy from my previous job kept pushing me for days and then I roasted him on that topic for 20 minutes straight. Need I say that politics were never mentioned in our conversations ever again?
 
Juan But Not Forgotten said:
That's concerning. I mean, who are they? Your coworkers, neighbors or God forbid friends? But I understand perfectly. I had and still have to hide my own beliefs and when people are trying to start polit sperging, I just faintly smile and try to change the subject. Well, except one time when one guy from my previous job kept pushing me for days and then I roasted him on that topic for 20 minutes straight. Need I say that politics were never mentioned in our conversations ever again?
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By trying to be vague I might made it sound more dramatic than it is, sorry. Bur I’m privately the odd one out among my friends and I’m just surprised how fedposty they’re willing to get. A couple comments bothered me but they’re not the type of people who would do more than complain. Honestly I need to move.
 
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