I have such person so can relate
The distance though... Well I can only think of her, anyways.
How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check
- Thread starter Milk Mage
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The distance though... Well I can only think of her, anyways.
(((I am NOT a jew)))
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2022
Feel overwhelmingly exhausted and depressed in the middle of the day so I try to sleep to not deal with it. I get about ten minutes when I'm in a dream having fun playing Mario Kart as a kid. Turn over and my mom starts screaming at and berating me.
Ah, that's more like it...
Wake up and recognize I can't escape.
I don't want advice or consoling. I really just don't want to do this shit anymore.
Ah, that's more like it...
Wake up and recognize I can't escape.
I had two days off and did everything right. I went for a long walk on a trail on a day with some of the best weather I've seen in a while. Was going to film a video but didn't. Really beautiful day out. Literally touching grass. And I still felt so empty.
Then had a movie marathon with my friend with pizza and drinks. Watched some amazing Hong Kong action all day. Couldn't ask for a better use of time. One of the best days of my life, if I'm being completely honest.
Everything went right. More than right.
And here I am now... again. Just really not wanting to be here.
I've basically accepted at this point that the only moment I think I'll be content is the moment I die and/or the day I make the people who put me in this state as miserable as me. Preferably both.
You know, it's a real fucking shame too. Because I really have clawed tooth and nail to not feel this way.
And yes, I've done """DA THINGS""":
Get the people hurting you out of your life?
Have a supportive friend?
Drink less?
Go outside?
Don't overwork yourself?
Have daylight savings time start again?
Have days where everything goes perfectly?
Have world politics get to a better place than they have been for about a half decade?
Have a proper schedule for once in life?
All that bullshit?
I'm about to give my friend some really awesome birthday presents I know he'll like. I actually have money to do that now and not worry. Ain't that cool? Shouldn't everything just be fucking fantastic?
At this point I don't even think it's being bi-polar. Life really just blends the weirdest cocktails to knock me back to reality the more I try to get past it.
The more I try to do anything, the more it sinks in. I really wish I could be like some of the faggots on the site who start to have an existential crisis when they see a nigger in a movie. People sometimes with houses and cars and families that will take them as they are, or at the very least not throw them on the street when they inconvenience them.
I know we shouldn't always think about the macro but sometimes it's inevitable. Sometimes it's really bleak knowing how much someone's life can be dependent on things entirely outside their control. And by the time they do have any control they've gained so much learned helplessness it might as well not even be a change. I could've done SO MUCH by now with no reasonable excuse for why I didn't. I could have gotten a car and gone to the gym everyday. I could have moved. I could have worked on my passions. But I've been drowning in pain so much I couldn't because if I'm being truthful I really honestly don't even see a point in doing any of that. I really don't even know if I want to get to a better place because it feels like a distraction from what I really want to do at all times.
Which is just to die.
Everything is okay for a little while. You watch the movie, you fall in love, you have fun, you get in shape. But it really doesn't feel like anything I truly want is achievable anymore. I don't even know if I have the strength to grab them if they are. And beyond that, it all just feels hollow anyways. I'm sure people are okay with just the motions of life and finding joy in it but I just don't see any real true beauty in it.
It's like both the universal issues I see with functioning in the modern world and the personal issues I've dealt with forever are just running a train on me.
I really don't want to hurt my friend because he's been like me without many people close to him for a while. But I've... tried so hard. I'm tired. I'm really ungodly tired of slipping on banana peels. It's so exhausting. Not just mentally. My back hurts most days and I just feel rough, even when I barely work. It's so shitty hanging on for just a sparse few people when you feel this overwhelming pain all the time.
The cherry on top is I also have the pleasant knowledge as someone who's gotten close before that the last moments will be of complete regret and wanting nothing more than to enjoy the smallest things in life. I also know that if I go there will probably not be a funeral. Just some people really hurt and the rest feigning ignorance and saying "if only we could have seen the signs". And a couple who will use it as another final middle finger.
"He was troubled."
No shit I was.
I know all that very, very clearly. It just really doesn't change much.
I just don't want to be here.
It really hits home after everything starts going well how fucked you are.
It's not even the usual "man I want to die". I'm not angry or even feeling a lot of it. It's now just this quiet cold emptiness that makes everyone and everything five miles further than they are.
I just feel bad for all the people who've tried to help when I kind of knew the whole time they couldn't do much for me. My story ain't yours.
I don't know if I'll be able to do it soon so this isn't some weepy goodbye.
I'm just at the point where I'm going to give up on trying to get things better. I just don't want to interact with people. I want to forget I exist for a while.
It's really too hard to die even when you want to. It's too hard to live when you know you can't die.
Then had a movie marathon with my friend with pizza and drinks. Watched some amazing Hong Kong action all day. Couldn't ask for a better use of time. One of the best days of my life, if I'm being completely honest.
Everything went right. More than right.
And here I am now... again. Just really not wanting to be here.
I've basically accepted at this point that the only moment I think I'll be content is the moment I die and/or the day I make the people who put me in this state as miserable as me. Preferably both.
You know, it's a real fucking shame too. Because I really have clawed tooth and nail to not feel this way.
And yes, I've done """DA THINGS""":
Get the people hurting you out of your life?
Have a supportive friend?
Drink less?
Go outside?
Don't overwork yourself?
Have daylight savings time start again?
Have days where everything goes perfectly?
Have world politics get to a better place than they have been for about a half decade?
Have a proper schedule for once in life?
All that bullshit?
I'm about to give my friend some really awesome birthday presents I know he'll like. I actually have money to do that now and not worry. Ain't that cool? Shouldn't everything just be fucking fantastic?
At this point I don't even think it's being bi-polar. Life really just blends the weirdest cocktails to knock me back to reality the more I try to get past it.
The more I try to do anything, the more it sinks in. I really wish I could be like some of the faggots on the site who start to have an existential crisis when they see a nigger in a movie. People sometimes with houses and cars and families that will take them as they are, or at the very least not throw them on the street when they inconvenience them.
I know we shouldn't always think about the macro but sometimes it's inevitable. Sometimes it's really bleak knowing how much someone's life can be dependent on things entirely outside their control. And by the time they do have any control they've gained so much learned helplessness it might as well not even be a change. I could've done SO MUCH by now with no reasonable excuse for why I didn't. I could have gotten a car and gone to the gym everyday. I could have moved. I could have worked on my passions. But I've been drowning in pain so much I couldn't because if I'm being truthful I really honestly don't even see a point in doing any of that. I really don't even know if I want to get to a better place because it feels like a distraction from what I really want to do at all times.
Which is just to die.
Everything is okay for a little while. You watch the movie, you fall in love, you have fun, you get in shape. But it really doesn't feel like anything I truly want is achievable anymore. I don't even know if I have the strength to grab them if they are. And beyond that, it all just feels hollow anyways. I'm sure people are okay with just the motions of life and finding joy in it but I just don't see any real true beauty in it.
It's like both the universal issues I see with functioning in the modern world and the personal issues I've dealt with forever are just running a train on me.
I really don't want to hurt my friend because he's been like me without many people close to him for a while. But I've... tried so hard. I'm tired. I'm really ungodly tired of slipping on banana peels. It's so exhausting. Not just mentally. My back hurts most days and I just feel rough, even when I barely work. It's so shitty hanging on for just a sparse few people when you feel this overwhelming pain all the time.
The cherry on top is I also have the pleasant knowledge as someone who's gotten close before that the last moments will be of complete regret and wanting nothing more than to enjoy the smallest things in life. I also know that if I go there will probably not be a funeral. Just some people really hurt and the rest feigning ignorance and saying "if only we could have seen the signs". And a couple who will use it as another final middle finger.
"He was troubled."
No shit I was.
I know all that very, very clearly. It just really doesn't change much.
I just don't want to be here.
It really hits home after everything starts going well how fucked you are.
It's not even the usual "man I want to die". I'm not angry or even feeling a lot of it. It's now just this quiet cold emptiness that makes everyone and everything five miles further than they are.
I just feel bad for all the people who've tried to help when I kind of knew the whole time they couldn't do much for me. My story ain't yours.
I don't know if I'll be able to do it soon so this isn't some weepy goodbye.
I'm just at the point where I'm going to give up on trying to get things better. I just don't want to interact with people. I want to forget I exist for a while.
It's really too hard to die even when you want to. It's too hard to live when you know you can't die.
I don't want advice or consoling. I really just don't want to do this shit anymore.
- Joined
- May 26, 2024
- Joined
- May 21, 2019
Not advice or consolation:
This post made me curious enough to stalk through a small chunk of your history in this thread from the beginning just to see what your deal is. Needless to say, I got bored before reaching any sort of satisfying conclusion. Though I was amused by how you went from vaguely optimistic (though probably forcing yourself to act that way) to suicidal in the space of a week in your two most recent posts. I can relate to a lot of your malaise and the sources thereof (though not all of them) but I suppose the key difference is one of disposition in that I usually react to exhaustion/severe stress psychotically rather than depressively so I can have fun even, or really, ESPECIALLY, when everything seems to be burning down around me.
Though all this to say, I don't know you and won't pretend to care about you in that saccharine way that crops up here and there on this site, but if you do kill yourself after reading this rather than having done it beforehand, I at least want to get a special "fuck you" in your suicide note, because the idea of that would amuse me.
AnonymousKot
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 12, 2022
my dad drained my bank account and sent everything i had to a scammer, i left and my family wants me to go back to him even though shit like this has happened for 5 fucking years now and they ignored me when i brought it up, im living in a shelter and will probably try to kill myself on my birthday in 2 months time, i pray the lord allows me to die or allow me some sort of alternative
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2017
Tired and burnt out. My coworker asked me if I want a vacation and I slipped saying "if I leave this place for longer than 5 days I will never come back". I am so tired, but rest doesn't help. I am in a situation where I need this job, but when things get better the truth is... I don't have anything else. I have no home i.e. place where I can go if things get worse than ever. My family abandoned me in this shit and to be quite honest they are the reason I ended up here. If I let them do what they wanted I'd be dead by now for one reason or another. Part of me wants to keep going just to outlive them, but bigger part wants to give up. Is all of this really worth fighting for?
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2020
Oh my fucking god, man. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I can't tell you some generic shit like "it'll get better", and I don't believe in prayer or "sending energies" or some shit, but I really hope things do improve for you. I hope you don't go through with that.
---
On my side I have two things to say.
First, I'm sorry for the previous posts about the girls. I got caught up in the confusion of new feelings and my own sense of humor. @Friend of Dorothy Parker's and others' posts made me look at myself from the outside for a moment and yeah I realize I come out like an asshole. So thank you for the perspective check.
Needless to say, I'm not doing anything to hurt either of the girls, and I think I'm gonna come out of this with a loving relationship, and maybe a pleasant friendship.
Second, for the first time I understand people who react strongly to gore or things like that.
On my late walk out with my dog, who is a rescued racing greyhound, I see one of the several other greyhounds in the area and her owner standing on a corner with other people. I always like to look at the other greyhounds and maybe give a smile and a nod to the owners. But I look again and I see that the group is standing around a dog (not a greyhound, I think it was a golden retriever) whose head was crushed, blood pooling around it.
I didn't stick around to find out what happened, but it's easy to imagine. I'm already feeling kinda emotional because of the other stuff and this affected me more than I would have expected. So I left quickly, but I kept seeing the image in my head.
Later on, I watched an episode of a show, not saying what, but a character died and they show him lying on the floor with blood pooling around the head, and I flashed back to the dog. Started having a small panic attack, hyperventilating and getting dizzy. Got it under control quickly, but I'm still shocked because this shit has never happened to me, not from something like that anyway.
I won't justify trigger warnings or censorship or sensitivity culture or anything like that, but I get how some people can get really fucked up by such imagery now.
I didn't stick around to find out what happened, but it's easy to imagine. I'm already feeling kinda emotional because of the other stuff and this affected me more than I would have expected. So I left quickly, but I kept seeing the image in my head.
Later on, I watched an episode of a show, not saying what, but a character died and they show him lying on the floor with blood pooling around the head, and I flashed back to the dog. Started having a small panic attack, hyperventilating and getting dizzy. Got it under control quickly, but I'm still shocked because this shit has never happened to me, not from something like that anyway.
I won't justify trigger warnings or censorship or sensitivity culture or anything like that, but I get how some people can get really fucked up by such imagery now.
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2023
Are you able to talk to the police about it? Pressing charges against your family can be a hard line to cross but they could probably help recover anything from the scammer or give helpful advice.
But otherwise, if you're not a drug addict then being in a shelter is probably the best situation for you right now. You do have to assume that you may not get your worldly possessions back from your parents, but you can cut them out of your life (if only temporarily) and the shelter should help you find work and such and slowly get independent, they should help you regain control of your SSN and identity. You're in a bad spot now and it is probably rock bottom, but the thing about rock bottom is that it's a stable surface that lets you get up and standing on your feet again.
You still have your body. If you want to move you can, you can probably access immigration work programs in countries like Poland who want more people if you want to go that far, or maybe other cities or states will have better opportunities.
If you're planning on killing yourself anyways, why not take the risk on a new environment that may be better then where you were before?
Last edited:
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2024
Jesus fucking christ dude I'm so sorry.
Because I know some people are particularly sensitive to it, the post I'm responding to has to do with dead animals.
Gore/death is always really hard to handle in person. It takes a particular type of person to be able to actually handle it. For a brief period of time I thought I would be a good fit for the death industry. You don't figure out if you can handle the death industry until you see a dead toddler in person or stand in a dark freezer room full of lifeless grandparents.
I have no real piece of advice other than you process it and the shock fades. Humans are more resilient than we like to believe. You had a natural and healthy response to something that shocking.
Pets are always the worst.
I have no real piece of advice other than you process it and the shock fades. Humans are more resilient than we like to believe. You had a natural and healthy response to something that shocking.
Pets are always the worst.
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2019
My family, both immediate and distant, is turning into a wreck with every other person being exposed as horrible and irredeemable.
Makes me want to move without telling anyone and change my name.
Makes me want to move without telling anyone and change my name.
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2024
Had a slight melt down before vacation.
I'm looking forward to spend these days of vacation fruitfully looking for another job. I'm tired and I want to sell my wagie-time for a higher price.
I'm looking forward to spend these days of vacation fruitfully looking for another job. I'm tired and I want to sell my wagie-time for a higher price.
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2017
Dude, I know that sounds terrible from someone who just posted shit like I did, but please, don't give up. Can bank do something about it? I second @Betonhaus if it is possible contact the police, if those people are ok with driving you into such state, they don't deserve mercy be they family or not.
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2025
To the cunt who ate my entire dinner during my night shift, I hope you get food poisoning you waste of space.
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2020
I just had someone lie to my face by trying to pass off AI-generated slop as original work. I am fucking seething as I crawl through their writings from the past two years and see AI-generated text everywhere. Before I skin them alive, I will try to take a few days off in the hope that my anger subsides and self-interest prevails.
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2021
Got my braces off, now in retainer hell.
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2023
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2025
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2020
A white woman and I will say no more.
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2023
I think I can guess but fair.
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2025
Genuinely speaking, I'm in hell.
Was working on getting an assignment (quiz with time limit) done this afternoon, and this group of girls near where I'm sitting were cutting up, being obnoxious, etc. Told them pretty harshly to knock it off (probably a lot harsher than I should have been), went back to work, only to let them get to me. Cussed them out and said horrible things about them under my breath (they were out of earshot, but, again, something I really shouldn't have done) while I tried to get my assignment done; ended up making only a 70. Feeling genuinely awful about the way I acted. I actually know one of those girls personally, which just makes things even worse.
So yeah, what a way to start my weekend, huh?
Was working on getting an assignment (quiz with time limit) done this afternoon, and this group of girls near where I'm sitting were cutting up, being obnoxious, etc. Told them pretty harshly to knock it off (probably a lot harsher than I should have been), went back to work, only to let them get to me. Cussed them out and said horrible things about them under my breath (they were out of earshot, but, again, something I really shouldn't have done) while I tried to get my assignment done; ended up making only a 70. Feeling genuinely awful about the way I acted. I actually know one of those girls personally, which just makes things even worse.
So yeah, what a way to start my weekend, huh?