How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Otterly said:
Please expand on this statement. My curiosity is piqued..
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He’s very fluffy and your hands just disappear into the white floof. Like putting your hands in light mashed tatos or a cumulonimbus cloud. Absolutely delightful.
Otterly said:
I feel… I dunno. It’s been a very hard few years for me. I’ve wanted to kind of step out of my world for a bit and got a chance to, I spent a weekend in good company away from all the sources of stress and unhappiness in my life, and I think it’s done me a lot of good.
It’s also made me realise I may not actually be terminally and permanently depressed, but rather in a place I don’t want to be. And the sun is out, which always helps. So now I’m faced with choices I haven’t really wanted to think about. But this weekend, I’m busy, and I’ll just get through best I can. Maybe life will throw me a bone, maybe it won’t.
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I have been feeling exactly the same way. Whatever you need to do to change the scenery, whether it’s moving house or purposefully travelling to somewhere new just for the hell of it once a month, it will make a world of difference. I hope life throws you an entire skeleton of bones because you’ve been one of my favourite posters for years.
 
PetiteFeet said:
as soon as the sun went down, my mood flipped.
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Came here to complain about this. As soon as the sun goes down I start thinking about how I wasted my life and I'm going to be living a dead end life just like my parents. it really gets to me for some reason that despite everything I'm exactly like them

I should use less internet too. I like this site but using it makes me flips between normal and aggressive because I see things that's not there and feel things that aren't true.

I know it's the 500th time I've complained about being schizophrenic but every day it fucks me in the ass. I can't have a normal life because I'm paranoid about everyone I met after high school and I can't make new friends because I feel cagey around new people. I also refuse medication because the last time I tried I almost killed myself and I no longer trust shrinks. They can't fix my problems and only make me worse.

I just got a new phone and I think I'll try to be less of an internet addict. I have to listen to something all the time when I have strange thoughts in my head otherwise I can't focus and the thoughts makes me enraged

estacks said:
After some slight adventuring past the line of sobriety, I have this 100% determination: weed does not belong in anybody's life no matter how therapeutic it may seem. It truly is something malignant and it opens you up to obscene danger. Alcohol is blessed by Christ but weed is death and psychosis waiting to happen. I'm kicking it. It's done.
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Maybe you got the bad genes for it. Some people go insane on it but it's not everyone
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
i cant fucking go on anymore, what the fuck is the point, one source of pain closes, another opens, life is nothing but an ouroboros of suffering and loss.
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Dude (dudette?) trust me, there is a point. If nothing else, no matter what, you can figure out a way to drag someone down with you. Nothing helps a bad mood better than making someone elses day worse.
 
Ruined by the Rain said:
I should use less internet too. I like this site but using it makes me flips between normal and aggressive because I see things that's not there and feel things that aren't true.
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Genuinely, this is something everyone could stand to follow a little. Just cut your Internet or general electrical device time (phone, pc, tablet etc) down by 30 minuttes or something one week, gradually lowering the time you allow yourself online.
News exhaust me, I am fatigued in general with the state of the world and my stress levels unironically peak whenever I read a news headline. So I don't read the news. I try to stay a little up to date of course, but with local news and news that don't depress me.

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Today I made falafels and chicken gyros from scratch. I even chopped the vegetables by myself, my dad barely lifted a finger with regards to tonight's family dinner. He's been the main chef since my mother's arthritis got so bad she can barely stand up, as well as the housekeeper in general. I hope he got to relax and enjoy his Saturday. I'm no good with telling my loved ones that I love them, my love language is cooking, so I hope they know I appreciate them.
That said, I am exhausted. I took a shower and now I'm just winding down for the day. I can't help feeling a little bit lonely now that I'm back home. I wish I had a partner I could spoil, and I wish I was more normal/average. God, I hate being me.
 
Halo Cipher said:
I have been feeling exactly the same way. Whatever you need to do to change the scenery, whether it’s moving house or purposefully travelling to somewhere new just for the hell of it once a month, it will make a world of difference. I hope life throws you an entire skeleton of bones because you’ve been one of my favourite posters for years.
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Thank you, that’s a really nice thing to say.
Easier said than done with a house/kids/job etc. I can’t just up and change things without hurting a lot of people, and there are also a few things that really have me stuck that I can’t PL about.
I am still refusing to learn the lessons life throws at me, including the hardest one there is - namely that you can’t make anyone love you. Just cannot get that through my thick skull.
All I’m learning is why bother, and shutting down emotionally, and that makes the future feel very bleak, (and I don’t think that’s the outcome that lesson is supposed to have, there’s supposed to be some wisdom-creating insight or something I’m sure… )
I am going to need an entire python skeleton worth of bones to sort things in a way that leaves me happy, and that’s not going to happen. But none of us are owed happiness are we? Why do we expect it?
There’s an odd contradiction here; I am prone to wishing I’d made better choices in my life, which is looking backwards. You can’t change the past though, nor can you change anyone’s feelings but your own. So the only real benefit of looking behind you is to learn and change your present behaviour for a better future… I know this, and I’m still too stupid to understand what to do with that. Which is funny really. Ah well.
 
I got my meds, I haven't taken them yet but I've realized why I've been so scared to. I feel like I'm funnier when off meds. When I'm miserable, people enjoy complaining to me, cause I will complain back. People find my delusions and psychosis funny, I'm also more overly affectionate off meds and people appreciate that, I'm overly affectionate cause I'm scared they'll leave me if I'm not.
When I'm on meds I'm just happy, and more focused on fixing my life than making misery comfortable. I'm not interested in being angry all day, in rambling about stuff that I know isn't true anymore, and I just want to love my friends and the whole world a normal amount. I become happy and happy is boring. I dunno, it's a real dilemma. I'm just gonna force myself to take them but I may keep thinking about this for a while, am I just more likeable miserable?
 
My nearing 10 year old PC feels like it's nearing its final days. I am not ready, not economically or parts-wise, for a new PC. Nor do I want Win 11.
I am shit with technology, and have only gotten shitter with age.
I just wanna play my old-ass video games.
Fuck.
 
Otterly said:
I am still refusing to learn the lessons life throws at me, including the hardest one there is - namely that you can’t make anyone love you. Just cannot get that through my thick skull.
All I’m learning is why bother, and shutting down emotionally, and that makes the future feel very bleak, (and I don’t think that’s the outcome that lesson is supposed to have, there’s supposed to be some wisdom-creating insight or something I’m sure… )
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Girl you can message me anytime, I know all of this too well. I really do. Your needs aren’t being met and shutting down means you aren’t abandoned any longer. It hurts. I promise your future isn’t bleak, right now it’s just a pattern that you’ve outgrown.
 
I'm going on a drunken rant because I wanna.
I was in a mood today and people were generally pissing me off. Life is stressing me out and I am beyond the point of being able to single out the nerve which keeps alerting me to what is stressing me out the most I am a fuckedity of fucks and I don't know what the fuck.
I keep taking deep breaths and trying to refocus but it's all so much and even in my quietest moment I am trying not to implode.
My days are going at light speed and I am trying to keep on top of everything but I am floundering and I feel like I am in a crash course to the sun.
Today's micro dose was what I needed and I was able to make more sense of my stressors and parce out what exactly was bothering me but at the same time I had this urge to break out of my societal norms and be just a little weird. At the end of the day through all of it I was humbled and able to break through the monochrome of negativity and find positivity.
Stress is finding me throughout the night and I wake up and start worrying and I can't stop and I can't sleep.
 
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