How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Squanto Airi said:
OK. I know ms. Petite mentioned getting them from IKEA. Would you recommend that as well, or do you have a different recommendation in mind?
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Make sure they are lined. Go with ones that say something about ‘theatre quality.’ I’ve got ones from Sun Zero on Amazon and have been perfectly satisfied.

There are also wrap-around double curtain rods so you can have one set of curtains very, very close to the window, another set over that, and have them wrap around the edge of the window so you don’t have light leak in from the sides.

Blackout curtains were revolutionary in getting my babies to not wake up at the asscrack of dawn (most of the time.)
 
long waters said:
I don't think many people get to have friends that are by their side for multiple decades. Most of my friends that I had a decade ago have drifted away. Online friends that I've known for over a decade have also changed in time. Finding someone you can consider a true friend to share thoughts with for such long spans of time is a rare thing...
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Thank you for saying that. Yes, I understand that it does not happen often, and I'll admit that "dreaming" seems inconsequential, if not downright harmful.
My mother, for example, has had the same two friends for her entire life. They were placed together in kindergarten, became good friends and remained that way for forty-plus years. Of course, that comes with some restrictions: my mother doesn't try to fight whatever stupidity may come from them, because disagreeing is bound to make them angry. The purpose, it would seem like, is to maintain a semblance of friendship, that does seem to work considering they meet every month or so and have tons of fun together.
My father also does something similar. He meets his so-called friends, from about thirty years ago, every weekend and then talks shit about them when he gets home. Of course, how could he move on? He doesn't know how to socialize, the poor soul—so he's stuck with them as much as they're stuck with him.
For example, I once had a friend of an ethnicity wildly different to mine, that I still liked very much because she was such a nice woman. She was studying Medicine and was eager to help as many people as possible. I, of course, became very opinionated on her studying methods, as I had already gone through what she'd gone through and, quite possibly, what she may have gone through in the near future (we stopped talking before I learned). She found it to be annoying and rude, sort of like a party pooper way, whereas I saw it as trying my best to prevent my friend from making the same mistakes I did. And then, we parted ways.
long waters said:
Perhaps your struggles with the concept of mortality and our temporary existence is kind of like the notion of looking at something you shouldn't see. Perhaps it's something that the current you can't fully deal with right now, and so you shouldn't be spending time dwelling on it, lest it takes a toll on your sanity to some degree. In time as your life experience changes, so to will your views on life and mortality.

This might be some roundabout way of saying "ye just don't worry about it bro", but I think it works. Sometimes when you can't figure out a problem, just set it asside and focus on things you can figure out, then way later as your subconscious is cooking you might come up with an answer.
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I tried to find a stalemate for a while. I just asked artificial intelligence about this, leaning towards a middle ground the likes of "there's proof that Jesus did X and Y, but it's also kind of old and, also, we have absolutely no proof of heaven or hell," the very one that allowed me to nudge the whole topic towards a more neutral stance, albeit an annoyingly frequent conversation to be had in my head. Just yesterday I took an exam whilst thinking about God; it was rather distracting, I must say. I shall pray that I pass.
I will also say that I have never stumbled upon a truth that I must hide from until recently. I always saw it as more-truth-equals-good, but that may very well not be the case. I've watched several assassinations over my life, although that was just in my room as I watched them from my computer. I've seen bombs go off, grenades blow people up, and others get stabbed to death. It felt a bit odd at first, but I never really felt this visceral feeling of "Oh my God, this person is dying! I feel so bad!" until the Iran-Israel-US war that began not too long ago. The amount of propaganda was fucking insane; I probably didn't realize Russia's at first because, well, I don't know Russian. But seeing thousands of posts with thousands upon thousands of [bot'd?] likes where people talked positively about blowing up a country with about ninety million people b-because they're le evil, guys? Also, the religious connotations that were so goddamn obvious I had to stop and think to myself, "Why the fuck would God want me to nuke a country?"
Otterly said:
I say this as someone who spent far too long in academia; you haven’t failed. You’re a year or two behind? Ok, that’s what’s happened. What have you learned? If it’s grit your teeth and keep working to your goal then congratulations- youve just learned a lesson most graduates never do. Academia feels like everything when you’re in it, but a few years out none of it matters. What matters is how much resilience, grit and ability you have. In life you get success by keeping going, showing up and doing stuff. Not by certificates and academic credentials.
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Thank you, kind stranger. I will admit that these so-called "lost years" are rather common in this university, whereas, in others, they get their degree so much quicker. I feel as though we're all stupid and perpetually stressed, or mayhaps there's something deeply wrong with us, but then we graduate.
Graduates from certain universities appear to be "dumber," but not necessarily in an IQ sense but their lack of motivation to complete tasks, their unwillingness to improve and do better—it puts things into perspective. Of course, it gets worse before it gets better; I must graduate first. I just don't want to think of myself as a potentially "better" person as the rest, because that's kind of retarded. Still, telling my friends that I'm struggling academically is the same as having cancer and telling another cancer patient "My hair is falling from chemo! :("
Otterly said:
That is dumb, being black or white is just something you’re born as. It’d be like someone being proud to not have freckles. The flip side of that coin is that you also shouldn’t be ashamed of it any more than someone should be ashamed of being short or tall. Stop thinking that.
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I agree. I am mostly racist in a self-preservation sense: I don't wish to interact with Blacks or Indians, because I'm afraid of getting stabbed or scammed, in that order. Maybe if I made the conscious decision of going to Morocco (I'd get stabbed and scammed, anyways), but having nog-nog's and poop golems show up at my doorstep is too much.
 
Gave my dog a fresh bone and I've been listening to bone grinding, and chomping ASMR for the last 1.5 hours.
She's happy and stinky, I'm happy to watch her be happy and stinky.
It's the little things in life. I have to actively remind myself of this because if I don't, the soulcrushing reality of my daily life would drive me off the edge. No, I'm not trying to be edgy. Sorry.
 
Squanto Airi said:
OK. I know ms. Petite mentioned getting them from IKEA. Would you recommend that as well, or do you have a different recommendation in mind?
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Mr.Bucket said:
Blackout curtains certainly help. Also a decent sleep mask.
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I have a pair from Ikea and they are fine. But make sure you get the ones that are not see through from the back. Their in store labeling can be weird.

These are also pretty good. When I visit family that doesn't have black out curtains I use a pair of these and they work fairly decently and aren't shit to wear. Mr. Bucket's absolutely right on good masks.
 
PetiteFeet said:
I have to actively remind myself of this because if I don't, the soulcrushing reality of my daily life would drive me off the edge. No, I'm not trying to be edgy. Sorry.
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That's not edgy to say tbh, I think it's true for a lot of people. I think a lot of people, earnestly, are fucked. Their lives are just fucked up. Something terrible happened in their formative years and now they're instinctually dispositioned to fuck their lives up, we have meds and therapy for that but that takes time, sometimes a lot of time. So in the meantime, even though they're slowly getting better and coming to life, everything is still fucked and sometimes it's hard to distract from that fact. I get that sometimes, where I just lay awake at night and think "Holy shit, my childhood was fucked. It was so fucked and now I'm fucked because of it", but I think it's like you said, circles of influence. It helps to focus on what you can change, like playing with your dog. But it is still hard to ignore the problems that threaten to strangle you.

If it helps, I think the earlier advice you gave me was right. When you said that it'd be good to look into my African culture. It's really hot in my house, so I had to go to my dad's room to cool off, and he has a lot of African paintings. As I stared at them, I felt sad and guilty, it made me realize that a lot of black people have put their heart and soul into art and culture and into making a real positive difference in the world and I'm spitting on all of that because self-flaggelation helps pass the time. These people have dreams, and jobs, and they're good at them. The art on my dad's walls are beautiful and abstract and they show black people happy and taking joy in a hard day's work, not to any slavemaster, but for themselves and their families. And I'm saying that they're evil for that just because I hate myself, it's sorta making me realize how unfair and petty it is. Maybe, looking into African culture is the ticket to help. And also plenty of therapy.
Looking at it, I don't feel "proud" to be black, but I feel... Fine to be black. I don't feel like a nigger, I just feel like a person who lives amongst people. Even when I think about all the niggers, I don't feel connected to them. I stare at the paintings of normal Africans enjoying themselves and I think "Those are my people, not them."
Gay I know but I just wanted to tell you that you indeed do have good impacts on people's lives.
 
im so scared right now..long story short, my kid started having seizures last night, they wouldnt respond to rescue medications, so we called an ambulance...they couldnt get them to stop, and we got to the ER, and STILL he was having seizures...and eventually they gave him enough drugs to kill a horse, and they did stop..but when doing an xray, his bp bottomed out, and they had to give him this stimulant to get his blood pumping..but now when they try and decrease it, his blood pressure is still tanking...even worse, the neurologist says hes completely unresponsive, and they dont know why. they think hes in septic shock, but hes not showing signs of infection, so i dont think anyone knows...they are recommending against intubation too..we are on our way up there, any good thoughts are appreciated, this is going to be a very difficult time for our family, i honestly dont even know what to do next. its all so terrifying and sad.
 
How do I feel? The last 10 seconds of this video.

Every now and then...we get a bite of that nice shiny apple, a sweet lick of that shiny brass ring.

It's been a while.

AnOminous said:
Don't hate yourself: there are plenty of other people who can do that for you.
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Put this on a t-shirt. Get a Nigerian out on the street, have him sell these for...coupla tree bucks a piece, who's not gonna say "fuck it, give me one"?
 
Banquet Meal said:
im so scared right now..long story short, my kid started having seizures last night, they wouldnt respond to rescue medications, so we called an ambulance...they couldnt get them to stop, and we got to the ER, and STILL he was having seizures...and eventually they gave him enough drugs to kill a horse, and they did stop..but when doing an xray, his bp bottomed out, and they had to give him this stimulant to get his blood pumping..but now when they try and decrease it, his blood pressure is still tanking...even worse, the neurologist says hes completely unresponsive, and they dont know why. they think hes in septic shock, but hes not showing signs of infection, so i dont think anyone knows...they are recommending against intubation too..we are on our way up there, any good thoughts are appreciated, this is going to be a very difficult time for our family, i honestly dont even know what to do next. its all so terrifying and sad.
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Oh, no...I am thinking the best and most hopeful thoughts for you and your son and family. ❤️
 
This is going to be vague-- Today I finally let go a piece of me that I held onto for over maybe 20-something years. It was something at the beginning of my adult life that helped me build a pillar that shaped me as person, and no matter how bad things got, I remembered what good I did thanks to this one thing and made the world a slightly better place. The world changed however and when I woke up from my corporate-like slumber a few years back I was not where I was supposed to be. I went back to the place I remembered as something that was good for me, only it had changed to cater to the next generation, and it rejected me, and it broke my pillar, and everything I understood about anything fell apart.

I tried to rebuild this pillar, but like the past it has turned to dust and there was no fixing it. Today I let it go. I now feel slightly better but inside I am now an empty person, and I do not know what I stand for anymore. Fear of the unknown grips me, but it was like that in the beginning when I first left home.

On slightly uplifting news I got a new job. I can't wait to start this next journey and see what the next couple of years will be like, new and exciting opportunities? We will see.
 
Banquet Meal said:
im so scared right now..long story short, my kid started having seizures last night, they wouldnt respond to rescue medications, so we called an ambulance...they couldnt get them to stop, and we got to the ER, and STILL he was having seizures...and eventually they gave him enough drugs to kill a horse, and they did stop..but when doing an xray, his bp bottomed out, and they had to give him this stimulant to get his blood pumping..but now when they try and decrease it, his blood pressure is still tanking...even worse, the neurologist says hes completely unresponsive, and they dont know why. they think hes in septic shock, but hes not showing signs of infection, so i dont think anyone knows...they are recommending against intubation too..we are on our way up there, any good thoughts are appreciated, this is going to be a very difficult time for our family, i honestly dont even know what to do next. its all so terrifying and sad.
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My heart is breaking… I’m praying for all of you.
You don’t need to know what to do next, you’re just going to have to endure the best you can.

keep yourself hydrated with electrolytes, it’s so important when you’re in hospital mode.

And stay away from tragic seeking people (distant relatives and weird associates) who will make this about themselves

Much love, and I’m so sorry
 
For the third time (at least) in as many weeks, today a coworker described our current working environment as The Hunger Games. Very excited to be in the sights of a particularly defensive, controlling, and authoritative person defending her territory. Saint Machiavelli, hear my prayer.
 
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