How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

AnOminous said:
Imagine trying to job search in this environment. "Well yeah your academic career and shit looks great. But don't you go bugfuck insane every few years?" "Well, kind of."

Lmao.
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Every job I have had over the years was after a burn-out and crisis spiral that ended in me quitting or being fired. Every new job I get I swear is a fresh start, but I know it will happen again. You just have to get good at lying about these circumstances in the interview.

Mental illness is a strange thing though. It comes in different forms. I have friends who live in trash and cat shit filled dumpsters of a home, literal Asmongold tier filth, but they always show up to work on time and haven't taken a day off in years. So in the eyes of society they are fine, but from my perspective they are far less functional, on a day to day basis, than me. It's weird. The fact you have self awareness about it means you are probably in a better state than 90% of people, who are doped up on all kinds of lobotomising prescription meds just to cope with our nightmare modern society.

Right now I think I'm okay because I have a job where I enjoy the actual work, there's zero stress, and I am given enough freedom to do the job as I see fit. The problem is there's a lack of personal interaction- That might sound like a positive thing to most of you, and it definitely was at first, but after a few years I am starting to worry it's sending me a bit funny. Hell why else did I sign up here.

Foxes are a solitary animal.

Foxes are a solitary animal.

Foxes are a solitary animal.
 
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Few things have happened since coming back from my exhausting ass miserable vacation

Definitely fallen into a depressive episode
My living parent says I'm stupid and that they've just about given up on me
Coworker I'm close with admits to having beef with me and icing me out for a year over an imagined slight that I could have cleared up at any time, says they didn't want to tell me sooner because I look sad all the time and they didn't want me to "do something I'd regret"

I'm forever cursed to be seen as an over-emotional basket case teetering on the edge of suicide by friends, family, peers, professionals, everyone. No matter how functional I am. I could point out that holding a grudge for a year is also being emotional, but that's apparently an acceptable way to express your feelings. Wearing a sad expression makes people uncomfortable, after all. I hadn't even realized I was doing that recently. I talk and joke and laugh with everyone same as always, at least I thought I was.

I get into this situation over and over. People assure and even beg for me to open up and ask them for help, and when you do it seems all well and good at first until you realize that it did in fact change their perception of you. I seriously want to move and never talk to these people again, not even tell them I'm going. That or kill myself. Guess I am as crazy as they all think. Who cares. Why bother pretending? It amounts to the same thing in the end
 
Rough sleep. I thought about a lot of things. I came to the realization that white people are sorta perfect, I can't think of any significantly bad thing they've done throughout history or any bad thing about their current culture. Their culture is homecooked meals and a white picket fence, mine is being loud and public and shooting shit, why? It's not fair. I have to forsake my culture but they get to keep theirs. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, more so just sadly accepting reality. I know there's African culture, and that one I'm more closesly connected to, but that's still looked down on by whites for being primitive, and who am I to say "No that's bad, white people". Again, they're fucking perfect.

It's like a crazy revelation I came to last night.
 
Went to the therapist, had an en emotional breakdown. She hugged me, which people never do, and that felt very nice. It's a reminder that physical comfort doesn't have to be nightmarish.

Tried to contact foster brother for some practical that he promised he'd do three weeks ago, and he remembered when I called, so that was weird, and I don't have much faith in him in that regard. This is the first time I've asked for help in....two years (and back then it was a lift from the train station to a family get-together we were both going to), and it has no right to be as horrifying as it is.

I think that sort of triggered it all. Not that he wouldn't give me what I wanted or anything, but the amount of stress over a simple task represents a sense of emotional neglect, given that I feel like I'm the only one trying to maintain some level of relationship here. It's sort of to a point where I just wonder if I should walk away. Not go hard no contact, but just not always be the one always making contact.

If that were the case, we'd never speak again, and he might forget I exist after all.

Of course, it's not fair to him because he's married, got three kids, got a house, a dog, a job, and obligations. He's a busybody.

So it might also be that I am highly neurotic. I'm a retarded greyhound, and looking at some junk that I can't get rid of easily for any myriad of reasons is beginning to get to me, especially since there's no solution, and I am the type of psycho who will keep spiraling until I know there's a solution or anxiously await positive affirmation like a BPDemon - without causing a scene over it.

But also that stupid fucking junk is annoying as shit, and I'm sick of looking at it, and I can't store it anywhere because my apartment is so small. And the people I tried to ask for help from just ghosted me. If you don't wanna do it/can't do it, at least tell me. Just tell me.

Also I don't have any vodka. Baily's too pricey
 
Getmeout said:
Rough sleep. I thought about a lot of things. I came to the realization that white people are sorta perfect, I can't think of any significantly bad thing they've done throughout history or any bad thing about their current culture. Their culture is homecooked meals and a white picket fence, mine is being loud and public and shooting shit, why? It's not fair. I have to forsake my culture but they get to keep theirs. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, more so just sadly accepting reality. I know there's African culture, and that one I'm more closesly connected to, but that's still looked down on by whites for being primitive, and who am I to say "No that's bad, white people". Again, they're fucking perfect.

It's like a crazy revelation I came to last night.
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This is a retarded take.
>uwu whyte peepo are perfect
>meanwhile... white people: *troons out*, *is furfag*, *watches anime*, *balds*, *becomes commie*
Only God can be deemed perfect. We are all sinners full of flaws and vice.

Edit: Also what the fuck, aren't you American? Fuck black and white culture, your culture should be American, innit 🦅🇺🇸
 
I keep avoiding laundry and I've finally washed it but now my clean laundry is sitting in a overly full basket in my closet. Laundry is slavery and I will not do it.
Actually I will.
Well, the rain has finally stopped after like four days but the dog park is a swamp. Dog really needed a run but she hated all the water so she chased gulls instead. I guess that's something.
 
Been quite a while since I last posted here. I ended up going to community college to take a computer support tech class, and so far this has been the easiest shit I've ever done, the entire class is just CompTIA and Cengage, the professor does not teach, and I'm not learning anything that couldn't have been learned via simple Google searching, it's honestly been a complete waste of time (and money). Maybe my expectations were too high for community college idk.
 
73_Autistic_Fuck_54 said:
Been quite a while since I last posted here. I ended up going to community college to take a computer support tech class, and so far this has been the easiest shit I've ever done, the entire class is just CompTIA and Cengage, the professor does not teach, and I'm not learning anything that couldn't have been learned via simple Google searching, it's honestly been a complete waste of time (and money). Maybe my expectations were too high for community college idk.
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Add Psychology to your classes. Trust me. You will meet the worst people over the phone.
 
Feeling really good, which is why I think I need another internet fast (for things not related to work, obviously)

Gonna use this positive energy to keep up the good work- all the articles in the thunderdome are killing my buzz.

See you later, my lovely autists
 
SOLDIER OF WALES said:
legitimately getting filtered by an entry level cloud certification. sitting here at midnight getting 60% first tries.

Technically thats a passable score since these practice tests are supposed to be harder but I'm getting high level cortisol spikes at every question I miss.
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passed a few days ago, 805/1000 (700 to pass) lols
 
Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
See my earlier post. My company is actively getting rid of people and squashing down the remainders (quitter performers are the cheapest option). I need to be looking but f me, for once I just want stability, and I'm disadvantaged in the market (50 is not 30). This was supposed to be a great opportunity. I feel like a horizontal Benjamin Button - doing life backwards, but it's sideways instead.
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This reminds me to some extent of what happened to my late dad. It was one of those "get rid of the geezers" initiatives. So they bought him out. He could have turned it down, but why would he turn down a deal where they paid him to do nothing?

Then they realized he actually did shit. And nobody else knew how to do that shit. So shit came to a standstill. They came to him and asked him please please fix this shit only you know how to do. He told them to go fuck themselves, he was enjoying golfing.

They ended up having to pay him triple his previous wages to train other people to do what he knew to do. This was while he was already collecting his pension, almost his previous wages for doing nothing.
 
Nick Wilde said:
Foxes are a solitary animal.
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Trufax.

But what I miss most is a job where I realized every single thing I had to do could be taken care of with a script. And when the bad part came about, it would ping me with a CTRL-G sound. So it would wake me up since most of the time I was "working" I was actually asleep.
 
It's been 6 months of being unemployed, and today I finally got a job offer for a remote job. To everyone else who is searching for a job, hang in there, it WILL HAPPEN. I believe in y'all.
 
Disastrously Dumb said:
I.. I been dealing with a profound fear of death
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Contemplate this. Are you aware of a period where you didn't exist? Think about that. Are you somehow afraid of that eternal period where you did not exist? You probably aren't. Imagine the period, similarly infinite, where you do not exist.

Are you afraid of that? Why?

Do you realize we're all just a blink? The mindless idiot god opens its eyes for an instant, goes back to sleep, and that's our lives.
 
Otterly said:
What have you done before to ride it out and manage it?
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Just intense coping, really. There isn't really much to riding it out. You just have to either force your way past it or fail to it. There are drugs, like SSRIs, atypical antipsychotics, they either work or they don't, and then you just have to deal with the fact your mind is broken.

You can realize you have a super high IQ but your fucking brain itself is broken. Nothing you can do will make you normal. You can know you're crazy. That doesn't fix it. You're still a nutjob.

You can project a shell of normality but you still know you are not intact.
 
Getmeout said:
I can't think of any significantly bad thing they've done throughout history or any bad thing about their current culture
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Nigga what the fuck, do you actually know any history?
AnOminous said:
Trufax.

But what I miss most is a job where I realized every single thing I had to do could be taken care of with a script. And when the bad part came about, it would ping me with a CTRL-G sound. So it would wake me up since most of the time I was "working" I was actually asleep.
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As nice as it sounds that kinda job is disastrous for your mental health in its own way. Your brain knows on a deep primordial level when it's a needless bullshit job. We all have different personal needs for what makes the subconscious mammal brain feel "fulfilled" but I think it is one of the most essential things in modern life.
 
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