How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Getmeout said:
I woke up. It's 6 AM. I'm thinking of a lot of things. Idk how I got this far in life if blacks are naturally low IQ. Did it mean nothing? Did I imagine it? It wouldn't be bad if a nigger died, and that includes me. sorry.
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I don't know why you're so down on yourself instead of using this as motivation to prove all the stereotypes wrong and be an exemplar person. Look my people are the niggers of Europe and that's just motivation to not be like them.

Anyways, today is gonna be a rough day of finishing my assignment and trying to work as a team. But after I'm done with the group assignment I don't have any other deadlines for at least a week. So I'm super excited to just chill a little bit and maybe hang out with a friend.
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Pictured: literally me rn

Feeling very hopeful even though the assignment is a mess right now. Have about 10 hours to figure this shit out but I'm such a procrastinator I hate it...
 
I'm leaving this job in 1.5 weeks and I've been a bit of a savior lately so I don't fear going to work. Yet, I'm back to drinking and buying shitty food. I told myself I'd not bother sobering up til I was out of this job but that's coming up, so it's time to do it. It feels like sissyification being unable to just go "nah I won't drink". Like, what? I fast mon-fri 16-18 hours no sweat. I haven't touched coffee since I decided to stop drinking it. I can take on lifestyle changes and succeed, except drinking I guess.

Anyway: In the span of a few days I've had the mad idea of getting a motorbike license. My parents have been riding their entire lives but I never really considered it. I like getting up early on days off and going for a bike ride (if it's summer; I've rested properly and I have the mood to risk getting a flat for the 20th time), but I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. I like being on the road and going to see places with a great deal of autonomy, but you just can't really 'go places' the way being on a roadbike is compared to a motorbike.

I'll be using most of my savings on this mad venture but I mean, I ain't gonna own a house or have kids, so why not. I know motorbikes change lives and follow people to their grave (often an early one). Why not. My life is shit, might as well try something radical - radical being doing something both your parents have done longer than you've lived and you've already partaken in many times. Man, now I'm just sad I didn't get a bike in my 20s and went riding with them.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
I really just want to give up. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I have no goals, not motivation. At best I am only trying to survive. Yes I'm alive in the most literal sense of the word but I definitely feel a strong sense of arrested development, like I never made the full leap into being an independent person who is able to just do things because they want to. Maybe it's because there is nothing I want. Nothing makes me happy or excited. I just shut myself away and try to distract myself from the terrible reality that my life is a complete waste, and it's too late to fix it.

They say to take it one day at a time, but days turn to months, then turn to years. I'm in my 30s now and that honestly disgusts me. I just wanted to be normal. I want the confidence to be a man. I want to be smart enough to know how to live on my own, to make something of myself. I want to feel like I matter to someone, that even when things are tough I at least have someone to turn to. Or if I feel lost I have someone who can help steer me in the right direction. The only two friends I have left are a struggle to even keep in contact with. They moved out, they have/had careers, they have kids, they have so much more going on in their lives that they don't have time for me.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know where I want to be let alone how to get there. I've tried talking about it to friends, to family, to therapists. No one has answers. No one seems to even understand. I try my best to just keep my head down, and keep walking forward, but it really is becoming so unbearable.
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I feel ya, but idk what advice to offer. I think I am or have been in a similar situation, but in a way I've already given up. At least given up on the making something of myself and mattering to someone part. I'm doing well enough for myself and I'm sure a lot of normal people would be happy to be in my shoes, but there is just something wrong with me on some level and at this point I'm rather convinced it can never be fixed.
But I do have some ambitions/goals that I'm motivated by. They're mostly fitness and coding related, but they're rather meaningless to anyone other than myself. They are just things I choose to obsess on because I have no idea what else to do, and busying myself with things to work on seems better than not doing that.
Perhaps if nothing else comes to mind, pick up some kind of sport type hobby or some crafting type hobby and try your best to master it. I find that distracting yourself from things with a kind of hobby that improves either your mind or body is a better idea than drowning in media consumption.

Wigger Rights Advocate said:
Look my people are the niggers of Europe and that's just motivation to not be like them.
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Hmm... *tries really hard to guess* so you're from Poland?... That's a joke btw don't actually answer that lmao.
 
AnOminous said:
No shit. Fun. Great to have a job when the only time you're awake is smoking weed on the roof. But yeah, it eventually ends up with shit like you getting fired for calling the CEO a cocksucker during a meeting and telling him to kill himself.
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AnOminous said:
This is a good point. When I reminisce fondly about this job, it is not about going up to the roof and getting stoned, or sleeping in the warmth inside a nice PBX, but things like fixing an HP LaserJet printer. I was very proud of my ability to fix these things. And I knew I was actually exercising a skill instead of just evading doing a job.
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I think I might see what you mean about the craziness, did different pair of your split personalities make these posts? Kek

But yeah. I figured out early on, fortunately, that despite all my pretentious book reading, talk radio listening, opinion-article commenting habits, I'm a simple grafter underneath, and I like doing shit with my hands and ideally either noisy machines or big vehicles, that I can directly quantify what I did at the end of the working day.

I think today's economy robs that opportunity from a lot of people to begin with, but also, the culture we have allowed to inform our assumptions categorises those jobs as paths taken only by academic failures. After all, if you are smart why wouldn't you want to work in the nightmare flourescent purgatory, hunched over your telescreen all day surrounded by mindshackled lobotomites?
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
I'll be using most of my savings on this mad venture
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Make yourself a biker.
Bitches love bikers.
long waters said:
That's a joke btw don't actually answer that lmao.
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You're not the boss of me!
long waters said:
Poland?
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No. Poland is the Mexico of Europe.
We cross the border (legally).
We can't learn English.
We do the shit menial jobs nobody wants.
We do them 2x faster and for 2x less than your natives lol.
We TAKE YER JEBS.
 
Alright some good news at least. Cat's fine for another day. She's still aging, but at least she's still able to heal from stuff like that sore on her leg with some help.
Little bastard's been lying on my arm nearly all day though for several days so it's a tad hard to get stuff done but I really don't mind it, her just being so comfy that she just flops her head on my shoulder and purrs loudly is enough for me.
And yet, when something good happens, something else gay needs to happen apparently. Being an emotional punching bag for people that suck fucking sucks.
 
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Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
PSA: do not attempt working with a mandoline when drunk. Especially if stubborn.
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The mandolin is the piece of kitchen equipment I fuck around with the least. Even the meat slicer gets less respect than the mandolin. Right now I'm just super careful with the plastic piece used to slide stuff down the board, but someday I'd like to get a nice pair of chain gloves so I don't leave so much stuff behind whenever I use it.
 
Core Theorist said:
You just have an unfortunate genetic predisposition to nigger behavior.
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That's it, that's the problem. I have no reason to believe I'm so special and can defy genetics.
I went to /pol/ about this and they didn't even believe I was black cause black people shouldn't even be this concious.
I shouldn't even exist, this is all wrong.
Wigger Rights Advocate said:
I don't know why you're so down on yourself instead of using this as motivation to prove all the stereotypes wrong and be an exemplar person.
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I shouldn't even exist.
 
Getmeout said:
That's it, that's the problem. I have no reason to believe I'm so special and can defy genetics.
I went to /pol/ about this and they didn't even believe I was black cause black people shouldn't even be this concious.
I shouldn't even exist, this is all wrong.

I shouldn't even exist.
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Imagine typing that you went to /pol/ for life advice and not immediately throwing your computer out the window.

Are you the same black bitch that posted paragraphs upon paragraphs of paranoid ramblings about being a pedo because she got molested (which she also coincidentally got from /pol/)? It's the exact same shit except you're paranoid about being black instead of a nonce.
 
demicolon said:
Ever thought about not going to /pol/ anymore?
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They're the only people that won't say "Nooo you have to cure this by forgetting all dem racists and just be urself yaaaaay"
YHWH's Strongest Soldier said:
Are you the same black bitch that posted paragraphs upon paragraphs of paranoid ramblings about being a pedo because she got molested (which she also coincidentally got from /pol/)? It's the exact same shit except you're paranoid about being black instead of a nonce.
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Butter? I don't think she ever went to /pol/, didn't she say she got all that from aggresively scrolling KF? /pol/ doesn't even talk about pedos, especially with how normalized loli is on 4chan nowadays.
I'm not paranoid about being black, I just am black.
 
If my sperging is to the point of reminding you of Butter, that's a bad sign that I've worn my welcome here, and I apologize. I just don't really have anyone in my life to talk to about this, either way, I'll drop it. If anyone wants to continue the convo just DM me ig.
 
Getmeout said:
If my sperging is to the point of reminding you of Butter, that's a bad sign that I've worn my welcome here, and I apologize. I just don't really have anyone in my life to talk to about this, either way, I'll drop it.
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It's just the same schizo shit. She was paranoid about the implications of being molested. You're paranoid about the implications of being black. She never molested anyone. You never killed anyone. Both are fuelled by your own mental illness and reading too much into bullshit on the Internet from people who don't matter at all.
 
Getmeout said:
That's it, that's the problem. I have no reason to believe I'm so special and can defy genetics.
I went to /pol/ about this and they didn't even believe I was black cause black people shouldn't even be this concious.
I shouldn't even exist, this is all wrong.
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If your monkey smooth brain learned to read and internet, guess what? If you can question/realize whatever you are - keep it moving in the positive direction.
 
Getmeout said:
They're the only people that won't say "Nooo you have to cure this by forgetting all dem racists and just be urself yaaaaay"
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I'm afraid stating that /pol/ regulars are not exactly in touch with reality will make you even more depressed so I'm just gonna say that nobody finds self-loathing appealing.
Getmeout said:
I'm not paranoid about being black, I just am black.
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You're black, so what?
 
YHWH's Strongest Soldier said:
It's just the same schizo shit. She was paranoid about the implications of being molested. You're paranoid about the implications of being black. She never molested anyone. You never killed anyone. Both are fuelled by your own mental illness and reading too much into bullshit on the Internet from people who don't matter at all.
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I guess that's a fair point. It is a sort of similar thought process that a basic fact equals eternal ostracization. Everyone suspected her of OCD, right? Maybe I should see into getting checked for that, and look into OCD therapy. I didn't think OCD surrounding race was possible.
demicolon said:
You're black, so what?
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I think it gives me this sort of imposter syndrome. Black people aren't supposed to be smart or kind, but people call me both. I'm not special enough to deny genetics, so my whole life must be a lie. There's also the guilt, I just feel bad for it, and that my penace should be praising white people. There's also the petty jealousy, that white people aren't genetically predisposed to anything negative and they've never done anything negative in history. All of these are truths, I just have to find a way to cope with them ig.
demicolon said:
I'm afraid stating that /pol/ regulars are not exactly in touch with reality will make you even more depressed so I'm just gonna say that nobody finds self-loathing appealing
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Ig that's a fair point. It is 4chan. Only good for observing and laughing. I was in a rough spot last night, shouldn't have let that influence me.
TheTitKoker said:
If your monkey smooth brain learned to read and internet, guess what? If you can question/realize whatever you are - keep it moving in the positive direction.
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This strangely made me feel a bit better, I think it's cause it sets the ball so low and congratulates me for doing good my whole life. The pfp also feels weirdly encouraging.
WhoBusTank69 said:
They are a rare sufferer of black guilt and self-loathing. For some reason.
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Pretty much this.
 
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