How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

My husband had a ct scan today of his chest that showed a THING in the area of his lung. I am shook, as they say. We won't know what the thing is until more imaging, a biopsy etc. As was commented earlier in this thread I too catastrophize immediately, how can I go on if he doesn't? The idea of being a merry widow is so foreign. Anyway, taking my brain offline (but not my body) until we know more.
 
I really wish I knew for sure if I'm going to get my old job back. I have a good shot but it's also possible they'll say no. I want to be optimistic but I fear the worst. The uncertainty is really killing me.

I want to try and stay positive but it's so fucking hard. Please god just grant me this one favor.
 
Settling into my new life well after I moved last week. I am doing at least 50k steps per week now that I’m walking around town everywhere. My ass will be so fine by next month. Going to unpack more tomorrow. New place is much easier to keep tidy. Dude I’m dating continues to impress, I hear his motorcycle coming down the road towards my house and I can’t stop the smile appearing on my face. No complaints right now, honestly. After most of my adult life being a series of psychologically grinding crises that overlap, it’s odd to not be in a catatonic space of shutdown and anxiety constantly. I’m handling shit just fine now out of nowhere and I realised that I’m not broken or lazy, I was just overburdened and operating beyond capacity. Knock on wood.
 
6 days left at work and I'm calling in sick one of them. I was given my new work schedule at my old job and if I can move a few shifts around as we're allowed, it'll be real cozy. mostly 4 shift chunks and only working every third weekend. However, this fool's errand of mine, getting a motorbike license, has me paranoid about whether I can swap shifts with team members to actually.. get to to the theory classes. I can call in sick a few times but I'd rather not. But it's like, "Hey anyone wanna swap? no? aight im sick" is kind of a dick move.

No progress in the entertainment block though. I got a few games I wanna play but I just don't. I do read but one chapter at a time when there's 80 of them ain't good. I need to just ditch the PC and read as much as I can..
strumpets exeunt said:
Dieting again, but I have a terrible habit of undermining it with booze. Hoping summer will help me get more active, because this cold snap is killing me.
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I've read a lot of people saying that tracking their health with a watch is what made them quit drinking. It just absolutely tanks your metrics and ruins your sleep. Oh on that note, throat doc next monday, hopefully I'll get diagnosed with sleep apnea and get a nose hookah and my life becomes perfect. Surely.
Altarfrog11 said:
I watched the first lord of rings movie, so many memes caught me of guard, lol!
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I played Morrowind for 6 hours and I think I saw 70% of the memes in the first 2 hours.
The Repeated Meme said:
I really wish I knew for sure if I'm going to get my old job back. I have a good shot but it's also possible they'll say no. I want to be optimistic but I fear the worst. The uncertainty is really killing me.

I want to try and stay positive but it's so fucking hard. Please god just grant me this one favor.
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I quit my current job with no job lined up. Pure fucking luck the person who took my old spot quit within an hour, as they usually do in the psych ward, and I was simply given my spot back. I might as well not have and been in a fucking terrible position. I'll ignore the potential doom and just be happy I'm back. Easy work, early off, good time to get a motorbike license. :)
 
Core Theorist said:
Niggers are a species. What's the last thing you've done that's nigger-brained? If you haven't done anything nigger-brained, you're not a nigger.
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Actually I can think of recent nigger-brained things I did.
1. This was back when I was like 13-15? Either way, I had a family member I was close to, but he'd do a lot of illegal stuff like stealing food from grocery stores. One day he asked if I wanted to come with and I said yeah, and I stole some sushi and lofthouse cookies. We kept doing this for a while until we got caught. Years later when I was 17 I felt really bad about it, like kept me awake at night type shit, so I went to the same exact store and admitted what happened and asked if there was anything I could do to make up for it or if they were just going to arrest me which I was fine with too. Surprisingly the guy said "Uh. We don't really care tbh.". Which is weird cause he was white.

2. One night same family member woke me up and asked if I wanted to go to McDonalds, I said yeah, and he said he was gonna steal my mom's keys so we could go. I was very very nervous and having second thoughts, but I went anyway. I think that's pretty niggerish.

3. This was more recent, this was when I was 17? 18? Either way I was at the mall with a white friend of mine and we were walking in a store, I said something that mentioned the Gangnam style music video and she said "Tbh I've never watched that before" and I was like "Really? Well, they like do this and that" and I was like reenacting it but for the elevator scene y'know you need two people so I was like "Ok, there's this part in it. You gotta get on your knees for it though" and we started giggling at that, we were giggling too loud one of the cashiers came and told us to be quiet or else we'd get kicked out. We apologized and said we'd quiet down. Anyways we were still trying to do the elevator gangnam style thing and we just kept laughing, so the cashier came back and told us to get out. Said white friend was just laughing about it but I felt like really really bad and icky and felt like such a nigger, iirc I had to sit down for a second I felt so gross.
 
I'm not good. No reason, just awful day today.
I hate other people. I hate that people don't respect that other people exist, and I hate that people don't actively try to help others in helping themselves. I'm from a biking country, I live in a biking city, in an area with cyclists who use regular paths intended for walking exclusively and so many people have stopped using lights and bike bells. A father and his tiny daughter almost drove into my dog on the walk I just returned from, neither of them having a bike bell and I looked at the father to try and figure out what kind of man fails to teach his child the basic rules of how to act in traffic. Bike bells are required by law, yet the police can do nothing about it because it's such a low priority compared to other traffic offenders.
It doesn't help that no matter what I say to a man like that would have me ruminating afterwards - last time I said "excuse me/sorry, please use your bell" after encountering another father, ironically also with a child but a slightly older one, who didn't use his bell, he countered "watch where your dog walks", to which I sharply replied that he has every opportunity to spot where I'm walking and he has a bell, where I don't have eyes in the back of my head to see him coming a mile away. This was months ago and I STILL think about it every day.

I have nothing to complain about, yet everything just breaks me today. I can't find comfort in my usual pleasures, staying awake feels like torture but it's only 8:45PM.
I clearly wasn't meant for this world, why should I keep trying.
 
My cheap porch camera caught someone stealing my amazon packages.

Inbred methheaded motherfucker.


Got a bit of the shakes from the adrenaline from realizing I've been porch pirated.

And a bit of righteous anger that kinda makes me want to troll around the neighborhood and see if I can spot the white piece of shit car he scurried back into.

They only got a couple of cheap laser boresighters and I already have replacements coming but it's the principle of the thing. And that one of the replacements won't be here till saturday now.
 
My coworker is still icing me out despite me acquiescing when they confronted me the other week and us seemingly ending the conversation on good terms. On top of making snide remarks that are obviously directed at me but not said to me... So I am not doing well. I've also gathered that people here may be speaking about me when I am not around, and that there may be a group chat that I am not involved in. All of it is schoolyard-level nonsense so I should NOT care about it, but that almost makes it worse. What do you mean I'm the most mentally ill motherfucker in this joint and you're the ones being this immature? My personal policy is that I don't speak about people to others in the same social circle. It's just messy. My mistake is assuming I would be granted that same courtesy or even believing that coworkers can be friends in the first place. Shame on me for taking people at face value when they call me a friend. I feel so dumb. I am so nice to these people. So courteous and considerate. Why do I even bother! God I need a different job. My doctor may be writing a note recommending that my hours be cut by 50% so at least there's that. I'll take the extra time to get my affairs in order and either apply elsewhere or actually skip town like I've been thinking about but have been too much of a wimp to commit to.

Tldr I hate people sometimes
 
I have survived several weeks with Mom and my Brother. He continues to be about the laziest piece of shit he can possibly be. After Mom's knee surgery the home health people came by for a couple weeks before she could hobble into the doctor's office again. She mentioned to one of them that her pain pills were in a locked safe, they asked why and she told them it was because of my brother. Luckily despite him being a LOLCOW if he were on the Internet he does at least mostly take care of Mom. Got to go visit our vacation house on the way back and remembered I forgot to bring a fan, it's made of brick and if the sun comes out it's way too hot to sleep at night if there's no breeze even though it's cold outside.
Headed home and got on a curvy road, and came flying up on someone and they pulled over and let me by, which was obviously a bad omen. Sure enough after the next stop sign in a straight part I just about slammed into someone doing 20 under the limit. I was close enough I could see he was fucking with his phone on a mount, probably didn't even notice the giant gray pickup behind him until I hit a passing zone and was able to pass with extreme prejudice. Then a couple small towns later some fucking motorcycles decided they were going to block the road to let their friends out of a side road, sadly I was too far back to see how much damage my truck would take if I just pushed them out of the road. God I used to love driving.
I'm home, gained a couple pounds which I really need to fix. Work is fine, squirrels have not invaded the house while I was gone. Friend's plane is waiting on parts but should be done by mid-May so hopefully I can turn the 10+ hour drive into a few hours of flying for my next visit to see Mom. And this time, for sure, I'll work on some projects before I have to travel again.
 
I hate pitbulls. Cause it's like, who told you you could be so cute? Who gave you the cute pass? I sure didn't, yet you're coming up to me all cute looking. Like, what the fuck!?
A-History-of-Pitbulls-1.jpg
WHO ALLOWED YOU TO BE THIS CUTE!? I NEED TO COMPLAIN TO THEM!
 
On day (5 or 6? Idk) of Project Move Your Ass So You Can Hike Something Close to How You Want to in Two Months One Month & 3 Weeks, I added another half-mile to the walk (2.54) and dropped my per-mile rate by 40 seconds/mile (16'26"). Also added some off-groomed-trail trail walking and inclines at pace. Actually broke a mild sweat this time and not just bc it was really warm today. 💃 Consistency is my bugaboo so I'm pleased I've been hitting my every other day starter plan. Will have to ratchet up soon in distance, time, and pace, but I'm pleased.
 
I'm going through a bit more excitement than I'm used to at the moment. Will not go into specifics, but I will say I'm okay and safe, things are just a bit trying right now.
 
I have very sick family members who are getting worse and my boss told me straight up today he's going to the president (who said he'd protect my job) that he was going to try to get me fired. I'm inconsolable and have been fucked out of 3 jobs in 2 years. I'm nowhere near working in my industry, my Mom's body is failing, and my husband and I have been trying for a kid for over a year and are having zero luck.

Things are not good and I'm running out of pills. I wish I had hope.
 
I am weak willed. I gave in and cheated on my diet two days in a row. I'm never going to lose weight if I keep allowing setbacks to happen.
 
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