How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Victory Leo]

Congrats on the weight loss btw.

Thanks, I still have a long ways to go. I was 130 at the start of the year which was the heaviest I've ever been. I'm trying to get to around 90 or 80.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I can't do this anymore.

I talked with the guy again. He said that I was a covert narcissist and that nothing he says will change anything about me. About how I'm always at the center of drama and never at fault. When I asked him for examples like the dude fighting me, he said how just because it was wrong how it happened doesn't mean I shouldn't take ownership and said how me being up in the middle of the night and watching loud films or being in the kitchen at night will set people off (I started wearing headphones the moment I realized it was loud). All the examples he was giving me were things I told him I tried to correct and make up for, where his response was that the problem is I don't seem to care about people enough to not do the thing in the first place.
His basic point was that I shouldn't make mistakes in the first place, even if they're small. I feel like he's been playing this game where he says I shouldn't feel a sort of way about someone doing anything nefarious to me, even if it's completely disproportionate, because I did the first offense. I asked him one time if going by that logic if people going camping in a horror movie deserve to be killed for going camping in the first place, which he said yes. That I shouldn't measure my pain compared to others like it's a contest (even if they're happily trying to destroy my life).

I know my friend is kind of fucked up. He's older than me and doesn't have friends either, he's in an online poly relationship with some woman who seems to have this similar all-or-nothing view of people (she's said she sees me as competition and tried to fuck up my life recently because I made a short for his youtube channel which she feels she had exclusive rights no, again something I "provoked" even though I've asked the short to be taken down), and he was looking on social media at a younger "friend" who he said burned bridges with him and that really missed, saying she's hit the wall and blown up since she's had a kid.
On the other hand though, he was my only friend and I really loved him. It's so weird to see such a heel-turn by the only person you had.

On one hand, I think he's just abusive and fucked up and his examples are wrong. On the other hand, I have no friends or romantic prospects and have dealt with situations like this where people I've been around completely insult my character and dismiss me after I've shown loyalty to them.
I know the saying "Call one man an ass." So I don't know, maybe I'm the common denominator in everything wrong in my life. Maybe I'm really bad at checking people because I'm desperate for company and let the same shitty behaviors extend forever.
I don't know. It doesn't really matter anymore. I don't want to deal with this. I'm tired of all this in my life.
I went to the pawn shop the other day to look at guns. I almost bought one but it just wasn't that strong enough and the ones that seemed quick were just out of my price range. I asked him for my rent back for next month so I could make arrangements. So now I should have enough by the end of the day.
I know posting this here is pathetic. Maybe I am a covert narcissist for posting this. I am probably spiteful. I am probably weak. I am probably pathetic.
Regardless, the fact that this is my life, whether it's my fault or not, is too much.
I really want to be done with all of this. I just want to find a nice quiet place where nobody will find me and just leave.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Then my husband snores, at a volume that no earplug can block, and I now get woken literally dozens of times a night by that. I resent it massively. I hate the sound

I've been there, and yes, it is highly highly disruptive. It's not even your own body signaling something is off and thus waking you - waking due to another person's noise, especially night after night, and especially to the point you probably subconsciously physically dread it so much tgat even when he's not snoring your body is on guard for it. Your body can never relax in that situation, and you need to fix it.

Have you considered sleeping separately? There was a time I rejected that concept on principle, but tbh it might give you some real, physical peace, not to mention the psychological variety. If a couple days away was rejuvenating, imagine having a room of one's own, in all senses. The physical reality of sleep incompatibility is a perfectly reasonable reason for your own space.

I recently spent a few days away from home somewhere quiet and even just a few days of that I felt a huge difference from. I felt so much better.
I don’t have any suggestions, people say all sorts of things like ‘have you tried a hot bath and chamomile’ and you just want to thump them. Sleeping pills are all terrible, rather like depression, there’s no solution that can be imposed externally. Only internal peace and safety leads to good sleep, and those can be elusive.
Actually the only thing that does work a bit for me is cold water - half an hour in as cold a body of water as won’t kill me for at least half an hour. But that’s not something one can do much where I am.

Do you mean a cold swim? What about a cold shower or quick bath before bed, maybe after exercise (unless exercise energizes you too much to do it before bed)?

 

[Zeb Macahan]

I don't like how much of a rude mess I have been lately. I have such a hard time coping with everything that all of my plans of spending "calm, composed, quality time" with my few loved ones have gone completely to hell. I'm either so withdrawn I don't even respond to direct conversation, or I lash out, even when messaging. I think I just blew up a 10+ year friendship by way of "stupid, rude message".

Life is great, ain't it? And I have no one to blame but myself lol

 

[Yellow Rose Of Texas]

I really don’t like to hang around with people that are around me.
Not because I don’t want to,it’s more of getting gaslighted thinking I’m crazy for saying how fucked things are. Really feels like I’m the only one that’s sane in the world.

 

[Me•cha•ni•cal]

I talked with the guy again. He said that I was a covert narcissist and that nothing he says will change anything about me. About how I'm always at the center of drama and never at fault.

Spoiler: My rant here

And this nigga is a licensed professional who can diagnose you with this personality disorder? No? Then don’t pay him any mind.

When I asked him for examples like the dude fighting me, he said how just because it was wrong how it happened doesn't mean I shouldn't take ownership and said how me being up in the middle of the night and watching loud films or being in the kitchen at night will set people off (I started wearing headphones the moment I realized it was loud).
All the examples he was giving me were things I told him I tried to correct and make up for, where his response was that the problem is I don't seem to care about people enough to not do the thing in the first place.
His basic point was that I shouldn't make mistakes in the first place, even if they're small. I feel like he's been playing this game where he says I shouldn't feel a sort of way about someone doing anything nefarious to me, even if it's completely disproportionate, because I did the first offense. I asked him one time if going by that logic if people going camping in a horror movie deserve to be killed for going camping in the first place, which he said yes. That I shouldn't measure my pain compared to others like it's a contest (even if they're happily trying to destroy my life).

Your friend is fucking retarded. How are you supposed to know what mistakes to avoid if you have no idea what might bother these people to begin with?

You’re trying to do better and be considerate and not bother people, that’s all you can do. A narcissist wouldn’t give a fuck.

I know my friend is kind of fucked up. He's older than me and doesn't have friends either, he's in an online poly relationship with some woman who seems to have this similar all-or-nothing view of people

LOL why are you entertaining this clown and his circus. He has no friends but has the gall to tell you what’s wrong with you and lecture you on how to deal with conflicts? Pffft.

On the other hand though, he was my only friend and I really loved him. It's so weird to see such a heel-turn by the only person you had.
…
Maybe I'm really bad at checking people because I'm desperate for company and let the same shitty behaviors extend forever.

It sounds like you just haven’t found your people yet. There are people out there who will be supportive of you and won’t treat you like shit over minuscule drama, but they’re not going to just magically appear. You gotta go find them.

I don't know. It doesn't really matter anymore. I don't want to deal with this. I'm tired of all this in my life.
I went to the pawn shop the other day to look at guns. I almost bought one but it just wasn't that strong enough and the ones that seemed quick were just out of my price range. I asked him for my rent back for next month so I could make arrangements. So now I should have enough by the end of the day.
I know posting this here is pathetic. Maybe I am a covert narcissist for posting this. I am probably spiteful. I am probably weak. I am probably pathetic.
Regardless, the fact that this is my life, whether it's my fault or not, is too much.
I really want to be done with all of this. I just want to find a nice quiet place where nobody will find me and just leave.

Don’t let this stupid ass nigger scramble your brains. He’s amplifying your negative thoughts and assigning negative traits onto you, which I can safely assume is completely without merit.

There are other ways out of this - look for actual reasonable non-abusive people to have in your life. Cut cancers like this motherfucker and his dumb bitch out. Don’t ever let people treat you like this. Life can be better.

Thread tax: Nice fucking day out today. Finally got done spring cleaning and washing my nasty ass fucking windows (that I washed not too long ago but the fucking landlord decided to power wash the fucking building and all the fucking dirt ended up caked on my fucking windows). I’m looking forward to the weather becoming balcony friendly (hopefully next fucking weekend) so I can move all the fucking veggies I’ve grown outside. Now I’m waiting for the fat fucking pizza I ordered to arrive. Happy fucking Sunday yall

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I mess around with fasting for longer periods about once a year, it's an interesting experience. It's rather interesting how much time it seems to free up when you don't have to cook and eat as much, heh. Congrats on the weight loss btw.

I recently heard someone say "Being an adult is taken up primarily by thinking about what to cook, cooking, eating, and cleaning afterwards". More kids, a partner? Double or triple the time spent doing that. Hence, I eat dinner almost as soon as I get home while I'm still winding down from work. There is literally no reason to delay dinner, and if you fear you'll go hungry early the next day, you're not working hard enough.

That is not to say that you shouldn't evaluate if you need to change things about yourself periodically, just make sure you are true to yourself and allow changes to happen at a good pace, not in a forced way.

It's a hard line to navigate. I often delete or trim my own messages on Discord before the other party gets to read it, but I haven't done that in ages I just realized, so clearly it's an anxiety thing probably derived from my current job situation. At the job I'm returning to, I'd not even carry my phone, and after work I'd maybe write 8 words and "lol" to a friend. I had one bloke who'd literally just ignore me if all I did was rant. It was toxic, sure, but also sobering to realize how much I did so. I'd delete half my messages and he'd then reply.

I very often cringe looking at my own message histories, but on the other hand, I wouldn't have it any other way. If a lady doesn't like my spergy ways, then it's simply not meant to be and there's no point worrying about it.

And it only gets easier the older and more BASED you get. If you've ever been in love, you know how any and all interaction with the person is good. No legit crush is so weak that you'll go "uhh he's sperging a lot about this comic book..". It takes 18 seconds to read 5 messages and you just reply with an emoji or "You dork xD" and move on. If a woman wanted to sperg to me about knitting, I'd put in the effort to form an opinion or ask questions instead of going "damn can't wait to tell my internet friends I'm depositing babies into a retard".

I recently spent a few days away from home somewhere quiet and even just a few days of that I felt a huge difference from. I felt so much better.

Of all the things Brian Johnson does, he said his life truly improved once he spent his whole day optimizing his sleep. Any and all things are secondary to that. I watched an aussie sleep documentary and something as simple as sleeping on your side is enough to halve your snoring/apnea count. But people just don't. They'd sooner kill their kid than leave the phone out of the bedroom, and I've both been in and out of that habit myself. It's truly hell to enforce but by god is it worthwhile. I'm really hoping this apnea consultation tomorrow is a step towards getting the sleep I deserve from the effort I put in.

 

[PetiteFeet]

My day kept ramping up in shittiness. Or rather, my mood and my inner feelings ramped up as the day progressed. My mother took me and the dogs to the beach like we often do, I walked the same route I've walked many times and normally without incident, both in regard to my inner world and how I process things, as well as how the real world actually is.
Today was different. I feel like every person I interact with is incredibly selfish and self-serving, where the world used to be much less egotistical and much more caring: a family of two parents and three children, all on bikes with zero bike bell in sight, passed me and my dogs. I am a hefty woman, to put it politely, but I try my best to take up as little space as I possibly can when I'm out and about - I try to wrangle my dogs, keep them on short leads as we walk and generally trying to be mindful of others using the same trails as I.
This family never said a single word of "excuse us" or "pardon", they simply let their youngest child ride first almost head on into my dogs had I not been slightly more awake than I thought I was. How can you teach your children to NOT be mindful of others, too?
I feel like I'm going insane. Like, insane beyond my own personal issues.

But then I had a pleasant interaction with another group of people, lead by a cheery British fellow who noticed my dogs and called out to me that he thought they looked cute. I haven't vocalised English in a while and my penchant for ruminating had me, well, ruminating over the situation after the fact. The interaction was good, nothing bad happened and I wished him a good day, but my nervous system insisted that I acted poorly. Wrong choice of words, "why can't you remember how to speak English" bla bla bla.

AVPD is going to be the death of me. Jesus fucking Christ, I wish I could just unplug my brain. But no, everything is received negatively in my head, regardless of the reality of things.

At least I can say that I am feeling much, much better after a nap. And at least I have attempted to tell my mother just how poorly I'm doing, as much as it fucking hurts to explain to your birth-giver that life is slowly choking you out.

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

I need to go to the ear doctor and I cannot afford to go to the ear doctor I have not been able to hear out of my right ear for two weeks now after mom tried to clean it with evil looking ear tools. The sound is all muffled in it and its like it's blocked and every so often it pops and hearing returns briefly but it doesn't stay and its starting to hurt I think it might be getting infected and i can't hear good and the doctors is expensive and idk what to do. I keep pulling at it to unblock it like a damn infant and I hate this. It's a sensory nightmare for my autistic sound sensitive ass, too.

 

[Canoodler]

I need to go to the ear doctor and I cannot afford to go to the ear doctor I have not been able to hear out of my right ear for two weeks now after mom tried to clean it with evil looking ear tools. The sound is all muffled in it and its like it's blocked and every so often it pops and hearing returns briefly but it doesn't stay and its starting to hurt I think it might be getting infected and i can't hear good and the doctors is expensive and idk what to do. I keep pulling at it to unblock it like a damn infant and I hate this. It's a sensory nightmare for my autistic sound sensitive ass, too.

Yea, I had an ear infection a while back, lots of pain and lots of popping. I was fortunate that it went away on its own. You have my sympathies.

 

[Otterly]

I need to go to the ear doctor and I cannot afford to go to the ear doctor I have not been able to hear out of my right ear for two weeks now after mom tried to clean it with evil looking ear tools. The sound is all muffled in it and its like it's blocked and every so often it pops and hearing returns briefly but it doesn't stay and its starting to hurt I think it might be getting infected and i can't hear good and the doctors is expensive and idk what to do. I keep pulling at it to unblock it like a damn infant and I hate this. It's a sensory nightmare for my autistic sound sensitive ass, too.

You need to go and get it checked. This doesn’t need an ear doctor, your GP just needs to have a quick look to check nothings burst and then give you to the practice nurse to syringe the crap out.
Don’t let anyone non medical shove anything into your ear canal again - it’s the quickest way to what you’re experiencing now.

 

[DavidS877]

I need to go to the ear doctor and I cannot afford to go to the ear doctor I have not been able to hear out of my right ear for two weeks now after mom tried to clean it with evil looking ear tools. The sound is all muffled in it and its like it's blocked and every so often it pops and hearing returns briefly but it doesn't stay and its starting to hurt I think it might be getting infected and i can't hear good and the doctors is expensive and idk what to do. I keep pulling at it to unblock it like a damn infant and I hate this. It's a sensory nightmare for my autistic sound sensitive ass, too.

This happens to me from time to time. I used ear drops and the squeeze bulb and it didn't clear up, but as Otterly says the regular MD was able to work on it with what's basically a squirt bottle with a hose on it. But if you're having pain then you absolutely should go to the doctor. Next time I did it myself, several days of the drops and the squeezy bulb and then the ear squirt bottle when that didn't work. The one thing to note is that the drops tend to make it worse initially, they soften everything and make it so the ear stays plugged, then finally it all clears up. Also, only do one ear at a time so you're not totally deaf.

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

Yea, I had an ear infection a while back, lots of pain and lots of popping. I was fortunate that it went away on its own. You have my sympathies.

Thank you noodler.

You need to go and get it checked. This doesn’t need an ear doctor, your GP just needs to have a quick look to check nothings burst and then give you to the practice nurse to syringe the crap out.
Don’t let anyone non medical shove anything into your ear canal again - it’s the quickest way to what you’re experiencing

I currently don't have a GP because of insurance bullshit. I'm trying to see about a walk in appointment somewhere. The part about not letting anyone do anything is easier said than done with my mom. Maybe one day when I'm out of this house I'll do a shitty tell all, lol.

This happens to me from time to time. I used ear drops and the squeeze bulb and it didn't clear up, but as Otterly says the regular MD was able to work on it with what's basically a squirt bottle with a hose on it. But if you're having pain then you absolutely should go to the doctor. Next time I did it myself, several days of the drops and the squeezy bulb and then the ear squirt bottle when that didn't work. The one thing to note is that the drops tend to make it worse initially, they soften everything and make it so the ear stays plugged, then finally it all clears up. Also, only do one ear at a time so you're not totally deaf.

Thanks for the heads up about the drops.
Really I'm not a stranger to clogged ear, especially during cold/flu and allergy seasons. This is just the first time it's happened this way.

 

[DavidS877]

Really I'm not a stranger to clogged ear, especially during cold/flu and allergy seasons. This is just the first time it's happened this way.

Yea, wax clogs in the outer ear differ significantly from cold/flu/allergy clogs in the internal parts of the ear/nose/throat which tend to just clear up when the underlying condition does.

 

[AnOminous]

You enjoy the burning sensation of knowing your body is absolutely eating itself. it starts for real after 12-14 hours I think and then goes real hard after 16-18 hours. Fasting is a net-gain in every single situation and religions that do it for such reasons live longer and more healthily than others. Chad starving monk vs. ODing american fanatic etc.

I've actually reached the point most of my pants fall down if I don't wear a belt tight. I sometimes go as long as two days without eating anything significant. Maybe I actually should convert to a religion just for the dietary restrictions.

Then I could also be earning Good Boy Points for staying out of the Hell that I deserve for my vile sins.

 

[DavidS877]

Hello Kiwi Frens. Does anyone know what these are? I found them in my yard, I've been told that things with bright colors are dangerous.


The only thing I miss where I live now is that it's not sunny enough to keep the roses super-happy. The rhododendrons love it, I just neglect them and they do fine. The roses require care, feeding, spraying, watering, etc. They don't need much pruning as they're not nearly as vigorous as other places I've lived. Anyway, now lunch and back to getting the drip lines put where they need to be for the coming "summer".

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I really wish the gun shop was open today.

Can I just be free of all this? Why did my life end up this way?
Was everyone just right about me? Or did I have bad luck?
Did I become a shitty person because I hated myself? Or did I hate myself because I was a shitty person?
I really am tired of this bad dream.

I really just wish there was a peaceful way to leave.

 

[Getmeout]

Actually I can think of recent nigger-brained things I did.

Just reread this, disgusted with myself. White kids would never.

Outside of that I hung out with my mom and it was horrible so there's that.

Don't feel like doing anything today except drinking water.

I need to go to the ear doctor and I cannot afford to go to the ear doctor I have not been able to hear out of my right ear for two weeks now after mom tried to clean it with evil looking ear tools. The sound is all muffled in it and its like it's blocked and every so often it pops and hearing returns briefly but it doesn't stay and its starting to hurt I think it might be getting infected and i can't hear good and the doctors is expensive and idk what to do. I keep pulling at it to unblock it like a damn infant and I hate this. It's a sensory nightmare for my autistic sound sensitive ass, too.

I remember one time I accidentally sprayed hairspray in my ear and I got an infection from it, it was literally THE WORST. Like someone else said though, it just went away with time. I remember Q-tips helping? I also did the ear pulling thing too.

 

[Getmeout]

I really wish the gun shop was open today.

Can I just be free of all this? Why did my life end up this way?
Was everyone just right about me? Or did I have bad luck?
Did I become a shitty person because I hated myself? Or did I hate myself because I was a shitty person?
I really am tired of this bad dream.

I really just wish there was a peaceful way to leave.

Double-posting to say I feel this. I too often wish I could just die, that the world would be better off without me, or at least I could be free from suffering if I just died.

I can't offer too much advice on why you shouldn't die, since I myself don't know why I shouldn't die, but I grew up religious. My dad was very religious, but in the good way, and there's something he always said when I despaired that made sense to me. Everything happens for a reason, if you were born, it's because you were meant to do something positive. Of course he said this with more talk of God but either way I think it holds water. Everyone was born because they were meant to do something great, of course people go off that path, but it's never too late to get back onto that path.

>Did I become a shitty person because I hated myself? Or did I hate myself because I was a shitty person
That's a damn good question, but I think the common denominator is that the self-hate isn't helping.

 

[Atticus Carpenter]

Well, things are not going exactly well over here. The exam looms closer and i'm extremely paranoid over it, worrying constantly about the questions, how it will go, how it will turn out... But more about how my parents will tell me how much of a fuckup i am for failing. Because if everything fails i have a surefire plan B to not stay unemployed for long. But for them it will be not enough and will have a field day about that.

Also, recently my mother fell down the stairs at home. Thanfully it wasn't anything too terrible but she has 2 broken ribs. The worst passed and now she's mostly high to bear with the pain and back to her usual self.