I've talked about narcissism with my therapist at some point. I too have times when I think I must be narcissistic for being so self obsessed, but the therapist said that truly narcissistic people never admit to being narcissistic, so if you're saying this you're most likely not like that.
With all respect, I kind of disagree. I think you can be aware of being a shitty person and still be a shitty person. And simply inquisiting if you are one doesn't magically negate the fact that you very possibly are. There's plenty of that out there. I think it's just that there is overlap, but not a completely replica. I do feel envy of other people a lot, I do good deeds for strangers because I have no sense of self and feel like it justifies my existence or how shitty I can be or think, and I do talk about my problems a lot. I do have toxic traits. But I'm not scheming or manipulating people or anything. I do talk about any offense against me, but I usually end up questioning reality and wondering if the offense was justified because I did some faux pass.
He said I always had this general paranoia and lack of trust in people that didn't make sense to him until now. Like no shit I do, when shit like this ends up happening, why the fuck would you trust anyone?
if there's one thing I've learned over the years is that some people will never see you the same way you see them. its really easy, especially if you're autistic, to construct an idealized version of someone in your head that isn't a total piece of shit and justify to yourself why you put up with them. there's other people out there, this guy sounds like a complete retard, don't do something stupid over this.
Yeah, I consulted someone about this recently and wanted them to be honest about me. He said he wasn't trying to be offensive but asked if I ever considered I might be on the spectrum. And that's not the first time that's come up.
Looking at my life and how I interact with the world, it kind of aligns. It's been a very humbling process as of late looking at how I've conducted myself and my general cringiness and coming to grips with the idea that very well might be the case.
I don't really think the modern diagnosis of autism works because a lot of it now seems like just labeling a mix of individuality+childhood trauma as a clinical issue. Sure there are capital A autistics like Chris Chan but generally a lot of it is just people with bad upbringings who also are into weird shit unapologetically.
But yeah, it's a very real possibility. Kind of a mark of shame but also kind of fits.
Bruh, don't do that. Seriously, no guns when you're like this.
I don't know. It's really tempting. I don't have the money right now but it just seems like the quickest solution most of the time. Due to my past, I've always been nervous about trying to buy one and getting a rejection from a background check so I'll blow through money enough that I can't buy anything that will do the job (although pretty much any of them will so that's cope). I just want something quick. Razors are really fucking hard unless you're super metal about it and a lot of other things take too long.
The helium method at least seemed peaceful enough, but the ones sold in stores no longer have the required amount to do the job. Really was hoping that would be something I could use.
...This is getting bad.
I don't know. I know it's easy to say platitudes about things getting better or there being something on the horizon but sometimes life is really just fucked, depending on who/where you are.
Either I'm just randomly having all these horrible interactions where I piss everyone off and I'm some cherub who dindu nuffin, or I'm actually some actual cunt who is responsible for all of my own problems. Or maybe some mixture of both. Weighing the options of which doesn't really matter at this point as it's really a bad place regardless.
Even if things get better someday, I'll be remembering shit like this for a very long time... until something else stacks up on top of it.
So yeah I'd like something quick so I don't have to think about it too long.
