How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Yeah, I’m not doing too well.
(If this isn’t allowed please delete/tell me and I’ll edit it out)

Probs self-doxxing but fuck it, everyone I know already knows my bullshit anyways. Not like I’ve got much to lose in terms of reputation.

I’ve been having crazy bad mood swings lately. I feel like I’m losing myself.
My parents are getting divorced, lots of family drama so now most 2/3 sisters and my mum hate me. Sister 1 threatened to come to my house and punch me in the face, but she’d probs just get her boyfriend to do it.
If that happens I hope I don’t get hit too hard because bruises are so uncomfortable. But at least if I do (inevitably) get hit by a family member again the pain will be a good distraction from my problems.

Sister 2 tried to beat me in the head with a fist sized rock the other day because I gave her dog a treat, but luckily my dad stopped her. She also poured water on my iPad (another time) because I made an edgy joke so now it doesn’t work that great.
Plus my neighbour is a bitch and gave me a really hard time, said a bunch of nasty shit to me. I had a bad breakdown and ended up hurting myself pretty badly a couple weeks ago. It genuinely scared the shit out of me to see how far I could go.

It’s probably my fault but idk.

I’m trying to arrange a trip to a much bigger city ASAP so I can go check out apartments there. I wanna get my true mental health diagnosis (there’s been way too many and it’s confusing af) and gtfo of this town. If I don’t it’s probably gonna destroy me. Towns like this tend to latch onto people and consume them.

I honestly don’t wanna go back to the local mental ward because it’s basically hell on earth. But even if my mental health people knew how I feel, I don’t think they’d do anything. Resources are very stretched.

I hate sleeping because 99% of my dreams are nightmares. Insomnia sucks.

Complimentary eye bleach if you read my little rant.
My cat poking his tongue out :P
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Not good. It's an incredibly horrible feeling when throughout your whole adult life, you've tried to do things "right" you work hard, you don't get involved with anything that could mess up your life, you have your faults but try to be a decent person that people can count on, and all of it doesn't seem to matter or have a point. You tell yourself to just man up and keep on trucking along, but little by little your resolve erodes each day.
 
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Yesterday we had a thunder storm, power went out at work so we couldn't get anything done, but on our way out for the night it came back on. So that was funny. I should be seeing a friend today so that's fun.
 
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Not good, Tired to the bone, been in a depressive episode I can't shake for months now. No one believes me or understand why working road construction 6-7 days a week for two months straight would make me tired. I tried tell my family but they just tell me how when they were my age they worked twice as hard and never got tired (typical boomer stuff). My parents literally told me at my age I should never be tired for any reason. My sister in law is currently not speaking to me because I told her to stfu because she was telling me I should try being a stay at home mom and how that was SOOOO much harder than what I do. At this point I hate everyone and everything
 
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So-so. Trying to deal with some undue resentment towards a person in my past. Not fully undue I guess, but definitely stupid for me to linger on it. Being reminded of the person on a near-daily basis doesn't help I guess.

But good otherwise, working hard to make some more cash and my exercise is paying off too, need to gain some weight but the muscles are definitely showing.

Hope other Kiwis are doing well too.
 
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Really wish it was better. Starting to go back to college for what is supposed to be my final year before transferring to a university. Unfortunately the one I have my sights set may be too expensive even if I qualify for FASFA and I can get into, because My state is expensive where even the shittiest appartment will cost you up to $2000 a month. I don't have a driver's license or any feasible way of even getting there atm.
So far I already hate being in half the classes I've applied for and just wish it was the end of the semester already. I'm meh on one class but I like this one class where my Teacher actually worked for a respected buisness and has some connections with some notable people in my profession
Both my jobs atm aren't great either because one can't give me enough hours and the other has such an inconsistent schedule that it might as well be non-existent.
I'm gonna be seeing my college counselor to see what we should do right now.
 
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I’m feeling way better than Epstein. If only he was able to post in this thread before his untimely “suicide”...
I should be working said:
I swear if I get the same annoying fucking Banking add on Spotifi again, I'm gonna fucking commit arson!
Click to expand...
Don’t burn my local Chase down. I deposit all my money there and it could take months for the FDIC to replace my cash.
 
So-so, my grandpa died on this month, he had a love of banter, cooking and home improvements, oh boy did he love banter.
But last year he got kidney cancer which in a course of a year would spread to random parts on his body. This June got a tumor on his leg removed, during the end of June through the first days of July, he would be on his senses, bringing his banter everywhere, boy, did he love to joke with my pa.
But, in the middle of July his body started to rot, to say it simple, he was put on a experimental treatment, some pills from Murica, but his body just said enough. At the end of the month, he was on oxygen, the last time I could see him walk was with the oxygen on his nose on the first day of August. The cancer, the heat (fucking heat, that's one of the things I hate about my country) and the fact that his body just ran out of his course made him glued on his bed, sleeping, just being awake to told my pa and my aunts and other relatives that he wanted to die.
My pa got pretty sad when we got out of my grandpa's home, he would buy us some beers and cigarettes and drink and smoke on a bench, most of the time, he would tell me to go home and he went to the bar to wash his feelings away with alcohol.
Last time I was on his home, he was on his bed, with the mouth open. I saw pretty much fucked up shit on this website but this image, will forever stay on my mind alongside the face of my dad when we got out of my grandpa's home, pure sadness but trying to put an straight face. When I got there, I was going to have a meal with my pa and his cousins (Holy shit I don't know why they love banter so much, most of my family are shitposters at heart) Next day I would do the same, but I got the call, my grandpa was finally resting, he wasn't on pain anymore. I didn't know how to react, obviously I was sad, but my grandpa would told me that he was finally fine at last and don't feel sad, he didn't want to see his grandkid sad.
Now, we have his ashes, he told us to spread it somewhere, he didn't care about it so much, in fact, he thought death should not be that much grieved on and instead be a ceremony about how a person is not in pain anymore, nobody should leave this world on pain.
I'm going to pour myself some beer and read about Jack Salmonelli, he would be his favourite lolcow. So, grandpa, banter master, I hope you are reading his thread on wherever you are, do shitposts with an ouija, we will read this thread and more soon.
TLDR: Grandpa died, I am pretty conflicted on my feelings, gotta drink beer and read about some hack who disgrace the cooking arts with his existence.
 
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Average. Just want to live a positive and bright life with what I have, but it's hard when something unchangeable always has you dragged down, pulled away from any heights.

It's inevitable though, life really is a rollercoaster.
 
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Not good. Laid off after six years with the same company, and three in a position in which I was thriving personally, financially and professionally. Had a good boss I got on well with and excellent benefits. Then the parent company bought them fully in April and the layoffs started in June. My position was eliminated nationwide and there was no place at all for me anywhere else in the company in my state.

I'm four years into a 30-year mortgage. I'm married to someone to whom I can't be honest at all without starting a fight. I have three cats I love dearly but every time I see them all I can think about is how much I'm letting them down as I had pet insurance for them through my company. I've been out of work for only two weeks and frantically applying for 8-9 hours a day for something , any work, in my area and all I've gotten back are rejection emails, even for entry-level shit. I'm too out of shape and sick to do manual stuff but it looks like that's what it may come down to.

Every night I feel like an infinitesimal speck with the entire universe pressing down on my chest and every morning I wake up wanting it all to stop. I'm never going to have the stability I need in my life to actually enjoy it and I don't see the point in continuing. I'd welcome someone threatening me with a gun as a way out.
 
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I've been on vacation with my GF since Friday. Friday night, an ex-GF whom i'm still very much in love with (I ruined the relationship) emailed me out of the blue, I have no idea why. We emailed back and forth for a bit, and I found out she's moved in with a guy. And today I found out that another ex-GF of mine is pregnant. I hate her because she sucks, but it still bugged the fuck out of me. My vacation was pretty much shot to shit on the first night with the email communication and I'm trying REALLY fucking hard to not ruin it for my current GF.

Edit: I just want to go back to work, or have someplace to be alone with my pain and maybe fucking scream
 
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