How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Michael_Jordan_Peterson]

Waiting for my first big boy adult apartment. Got 3 weeks to burn and Ive never been more bored.

Scared of having to define myself as an adult now as opposed to a student. Only my own behavior from now on limits me to dying lonely and sad or full of big tiddy girls. I've lost all interest in gaming yet mostly resonate with people who still play, yet those tend to define themselves as LoL players and Marvel fans, which is discrediting my ancient upbringing with actual memes and not 9gag.

I want to reject the nerd, but alas I am the nerd.

Damn dude, Kind of Jealous of that time in my life. It was one of the best times and a massive learning experience. The getting tired of gaming thing is totally natural as you get older and not trying to cling onto it too hard will save you a lot of frustration. Get into outdoor hobbies, walk around, take care of your place, etc.... You'll still game but you'll have so much free time and picking up chicks that you can bring back to an empty house is fucking easy. Be careful now when girls see you are doing OK in life and that you have your own place they will try to lock your ass down. I aint saying don't ever rawdog a girl you bring home just be careful. Don't get locked into 18 years with a woman you have no interest in other than sexually. Probably sounds obvious but yeah whatever.

I did 5g of mushrooms a week or so ago. I'm about 32 and it was my first real psychedelic experience. 5g of cubensis. Before that I did 2.5g. It started off really heavy, with lots of extremely dark and depressing thoughts. Probably the worst things I can imagine and the worst I've felt in a very long time. This lasted about 15-30 minutes and everything after that was amazing. Everything from visuals, feeling like the remote was turning to liquid in my hands, the text on the screen waving around and animating and changing colors. You're fairly lucid the whole time and your mood is elevated so so high. I'd recommend to anyone considering it. The next couple days you feel very good as well. A very high and positive masculine energy and vitality.

 

[Jesse Nicholas Radin]

I'm good.

I'm surprised they didn't give me a full on ban, just a week timeout in one thread. I'm pretty blatantly a banned member that finally came back after three years.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

This ain’t real relevant to the topic, but I wanted to express this somewhere and this is as close of a thread as I can think of without shitting up the section with another.

You ever see a girl you used to like get engaged or married?

I had just been journaling, and I was writing about this foreign girl from college who I had seriously thought about, but didn’t pursue because she was moving home at the end of the semester and I was a betacuck, even though she did things like invited me along to things and overtly flirted. I felt and feel a huge affection for her, though, because even if she hadn’t been into me (it could have been either way) she had been very kind to me and she seemed like a good person in general, and I had enjoyed the time I had spent with her (which is more than I can say of some who I actually went on formal dates with).

But then I look her up on Facebook to see how she’s doing, and she’s married.

I had thought before how I hoped she would marry, because I hoped she would have a happy life. But it still hurts to see, you know? I never had any intention of going over there to see her, I wasn’t in any sort of running, haven’t talked to her in a long time. And I wanted it for her. But it still feels like it’s taken my breath away, even though it was over for me when she went home, a good while back.

Its that bittersweet feeling where the logical part of you knows this is a good thing but you still feel like you’ve lost something even though you haven’t really.

 

[The Cunting Death]

Got hit with bad news this month. Seems for two birthdays in a row I get told I have kidney cancer. The cancer I had in June 2019 and had an operation to remove half of my kidney in October 2019 has returned and looks like I will need the remaining half removed.
If anyone remembers I have Systemic Lupus so kidneys are targets of my whacked out immune system the oncologist and nephrologist will want me on a donor list as soon as my kidney is removed otherwise I run the risk of being on dialysis since the main cause of death in Lupus is either kidney or liver failure.
My spirits are okay honestly, my family is devastated but I do my best to remain calm for them.
This is my third cancer battle but I know I will beat it again!
As long as I get to laugh everyday and smile, I'm doing okay.

Spoiler: lol

My doctor didn't find it as funny when I said : "Third times a charm eh?"

I wish I was this optimistic

 

[queerape]

Going to my cousins to celebrate my uncle and aunt’s anniversary. I’m going to call Pauline’s boss to see if I can work with her and Pauline. Ain’t no one wants to do anything in this heat though.

The Homo’s been working outside in 103°, doing physio too to fix some old cancer scarring. Haven’t got anything from him for a few days and he was falling over in exhaustion on Monday, totally wiped out all weekend too. Really hope he’s holding up in there and not busting his balls too much, a bit concerned for him especially since this heatwave is going to last the next while and we got some real dog days coming up.

 

[Chiang Kai-shek]

So I got an interview with a temp job, full time six months 1099. I did great during the interview and I got sent to the next step which is an assessment. It was supposed to be today but because of July 4th weekend it got pushed back to Monday. I was relieved about that, but then I made the mistake of watching this video which has me in a state of paranoia. I don’t want to work at my current part time minimum wage job forever but I’m worried this new one will be a dead end shitty job. A lot of the red flags seem vague and seem to be in every job description. I’m scared of this new job but can’t articulate why. The biggest worry I have is I’ll sign some deal with the devil type contract where I sell myself over to them as a slave in a terrible job but can only leave after x number of years or so. I know that sounds like a major exaggeration but it could happen given current year. Why is job searching so stressful and nerve wracking?

 

[Cucks cucks cuck's cucks]

I used to meet people face to face to do hobbies together, but the COVID had closed most things down. The internet is a useful technology to communicate with those I know, but it is not the same as doing things together in one place. I hope that the places I go to will open up again; however, as of now, they remain closed for the foreseeable future.

 

[Coffee Druid]

I'm incredibly angry at whatever fate made me be born to a complete manchild of a father who is also the filthiest most narcissistic hoarder I've ever known and forced his family to just live with it. And also blamed US for the mess. I've literally had piles of stuff fall on me and he was not worried about me in the slightest, but absolutely livid at the thought of junk he never uses being damaged. I'd move out but I literally have no money. He's one of the main reasons I developed depression but he's the kind of fuck who says things like "it's all in your head/other people have it worse so you have zero reasons to feel bad". Like no you asshole, it's because of you.

Apologies, I am ticked off and feeling hopeless right now.

 

[I'm Not Racist Anymore]

i feel ok

 

[Chad Nasty]

Waiting for my first big boy adult apartment. Got 3 weeks to burn and Ive never been more bored.

Scared of having to define myself as an adult now as opposed to a student. Only my own behavior from now on limits me to dying lonely and sad or full of big tiddy girls. I've lost all interest in gaming yet mostly resonate with people who still play, yet those tend to define themselves as LoL players and Marvel fans, which is discrediting my ancient upbringing with actual memes and not 9gag.

I want to reject the nerd, but alas I am the nerd.

bj queens or nerdom? Duuuude, thats some gourmet shit. Two thumbs up.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I'm feeling kind of scared. I've said too much about myself on the website. It's a small world and even on a niche platform like this, even if you don't antagonize anybody, somebody could still always recognize you by the description of yourself, or a story you tell. I'm afraid somebody here is going to decide they don't like me and try to find out my identity or that somebody in real life will recognize me and I'll get purged from my job like a lot of other people. I wish I had never started posting here.

 

[FuckedUp]

I'm feeling kind of scared. I've said too much about myself on the website. It's a small world and even on a niche platform like this, even if you don't antagonize anybody, somebody could still always recognize you by the description of yourself, or a story you tell. I'm afraid somebody here is going to decide they don't like me and try to find out my identity or that somebody in real life will recognize me and I'll get purged from my job like a lot of other people. I wish I had never started posting here.

Calm down.

 

[Coffee Druid]

I know I just sperged about my toxic dad but something new came up. I'm enrolled in college classes in the fall and my university is trying to be open then (probably not the best idea but hey). Some classes are switching to online, but not all. My dad literally told me that I need to cancel any in-person classes immediately. Not because he's worried about me or anything. But because it's a "threat to his life". Dude, those are the only classes I need to graduate. Also I've only left the house three times in the last month for important reasons. He leaves the house to go shopping every other day just to have something to do. Like, okay.

I'm feeling kind of scared. I've said too much about myself on the website. It's a small world and even on a niche platform like this, even if you don't antagonize anybody, somebody could still always recognize you by the description of yourself, or a story you tell. I'm afraid somebody here is going to decide they don't like me and try to find out my identity or that somebody in real life will recognize me and I'll get purged from my job like a lot of other people. I wish I had never started posting here.

Don't take this as an insult, but I don't think you're that important. Not to the people you're worried about, I mean. I don't know your other posts but just posting occasional vague snippets isn't necessarily going to make people know exactly who you are, and want to go after you personally. If your username and email used for this site are unrelated to anything else, that makes it harder. You're fine. If it's so stressful, then there's always the choice to leave.

 

[Michael_Jordan_Peterson]

Its that bittersweet feeling where the logical part of you knows this is a good thing but you still feel like you’ve lost something even though you haven’t really.

For sure there is always that whimsical little bit of hope and once you see that ring or whoever reality sets in. That it was actually just a dream. Making things happen takes action

 

[Stasi]

Low on motivation lately. Changed jobs fairly recently for a bit more pay and what I thought would be more interesting work but I'm bored out of my mind. Being asked to do stuff I was doing maybe 5 years ago in my last job and being micro managed to hell. Because of COVID the job market is dead right now so kind of stuck where I am. Try to get enough shit done to not get in trouble but some days productivity is almost zero because I don't want to be here and am mentally checked out.

I know a lot of people are struggling without jobs so glad I have money coming in but still a frustrating situation. Hope this stupid virus clears up soon so I can get out there and look for other work.

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

Tired, so tired. Hopeful and relatively optimistic, though.

 

[Coffee Druid]

I’m a weenie with driving anxiety but I just drove 40 minutes to a friend’s house without feeling stressed at all. I only drove the backroads but hey. Small steps. Feels good.

 

[Swagstika]

The last two months or so I’ve been worrying about how I just don’t feel anything anymore.

I used to feel about things: About injustices, about issues, about people, about animals. You name it. Now I just don’t feel anything anymore. I just feel blank. Dead. No positive feelings, no negative feelings. I just feel nothing.

Friends, family, hobbies… Nothing makes me feel like I used to do.

It has been worrying me.

Some weeks ago, I applied to a prestigious job, looking for some change, something new. Great job, great workplace, a true win for my CV, looking for some extra help over the summer. I expected to feel excited about it and was looking forward to the roller coaster of going through the hiring process again.

But again, nothing.

I nailed the application. I felt nothing. I nailed interview #1. I felt nothing. I nailed interview #2 so hard that it turned into a negotiation of pay and benefits instead of an interview. I felt nothing. Everyone has been congratulating me on it, over and over. I feel nothing. At most I feel like a fraud for accepting all the praise that I feel nothing for.

I don’t know what is happening to me, but I don’t like it. I feel dead inside.

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

The last two months or so I’ve been worrying about how I just don’t feel anything anymore.

I used to feel about things: About injustices, about issues, about people, about animals. You name it. Now I just don’t feel anything anymore. I just feel blank. Dead. No positive feelings, no negative feelings. I just feel nothing.

Friends, family, hobbies… Nothing makes me feel like I used to do.

It has been worrying me.

Some weeks ago, I applied to a prestigious job, looking for some change, something new. Great job, great workplace, a true win for my CV, looking for some extra help over the summer. I expected to feel excited about it and was looking forward to the roller coaster of going through the hiring process again.

But again, nothing.

I nailed the application. I felt nothing. I nailed interview #1. I felt nothing. I nailed interview #2 so hard that it turned into a negotiation of pay and benefits instead of an interview. I felt nothing. Everyone has been congratulating me on it, over and over. I feel nothing. At most I feel like a fraud for accepting all the praise that I feel nothing for.

I don’t know what is happening to me, but I don’t like it. I feel dead inside.

Not to armchair too hard but you should at least consider talking to a healthcare professional about that. It's unlikely to just resolve itself and that road leads nowhere good.

Spoiler: Mild powerlevel

I had pretty severe anhedonia and depression up until relatively recently (which is to say, I still do but it's being managed and seems to be improving.) and reading the first part of your post rang worryingly familiar bells in a way that makes me hope you will get some help.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I feel strange.

When I was far away from home with little sleep and lots of physical activity, I thought I was lazy and exhausted.

Now I have as much sleep as I want (no, not 12 hours a day, God forbid) and don't struggle much physically, but I can't force myself to do anything productive that I wanted to do when I was far away and it makes me feel guilty, even though I deserve some rest.

I'm just afraid this "ok, couple of days more and I'll be back into the game" will never end. I don't want that. Have a nice day all of you