How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

I hope everyone here is having a good 4th of July. It's a full moon tonight. It's beautiful, and would be even moreso if not for the sky being filled with a dense haze of fireworks smoke.

The smoke is everywhere, and is thick enough to block out the stars. The night sky, though clear of clouds, is blank. People have been setting off fireworks for weeks, celebrating a freedom that they do not understand, that they did not earn, and that they no longer deserve.

They do not understand freedom because the news is empty, ignorant drivel meant to alarm and anger them, not inform them about what's going on; they do not know how their government works nor how they can and should participate in it. They did not earn freedom because the schools have degenerated into daycare centers; high school graduates have reached majority age but have not attained maturity and are incapable of independent thought. They do not deserve freedom because they have no sense of morality or consequences and live only to prey on anybody they do not recognize for the sake of fleeting, empty pleasures.

I live in a nation in decline. Government of, by, and for the people fails when the people do not know how to govern themselves. A democracy composed of ignorant, evil people will only serve to amplify and weaponize their ignorance and evil. Look to the French Revolution, in which a depraved, crumbling society used the trappings of democracy and justice and progress to commit every imaginable atrocity upon itself and its neighbors.

I've come to believe that the nation I live in is headed towards a reckoning. I do not know what the outcome of this reckoning will be, but I am certain that there will be chaos and death. Things will get worse before they get better, and it will be worst in the cities.

The happiest people I know right now are my immediate family. My parents live in the country and are safe and happy. My siblings all moved into peaceful, rural areas and married tradspouses. Their growing families are amazing, and they understand that society has fallen into decadence; they protect themselves very carefully from it.

I should join them. I should find and marry a trad. I should move to someplace peaceful, where I can defend myself and mine, where I can have children who won't be fed fucking poison. I should move to someplace where I can see the stars again, where I can be close to nature, where my life will not be defined by asphalt and neon, where I will not become fucking collateral damage as the cannibalism worsens.

Remember, frens: If you ever get the urge to give into despair and accept the fate that our rotting society has planned for you, look to the people who love you. Look to your friends, look to your loved ones, look to your families. If your life is cut short, your parents' souls will shatter; they will spend the remainder of their lives hating themselves for not doing more to save you. The same is for everybody else you have, to varying degrees. Do not go gentle into that good night.
 
I think I had either an anxiety attack or just general hyperventilating for a little bit. Was equal parts depressed and fucking furious, either way. Now I just have a headache.
 
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Not to armchair too hard but you should at least consider talking to a healthcare professional about that. It's unlikely to just resolve itself and that road leads nowhere good.

I had pretty severe anhedonia and depression up until relatively recently (which is to say, I still do but it's being managed and seems to be improving.) and reading the first part of your post rang worryingly familiar bells in a way that makes me hope you will get some help.
I have thought about it before, but your reply made me contact my GP. Thank you. I haven't even thought of the option of it getting worse...
 
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I've been sick of this shit, but there's nothing I can do about it so trying not to drive myself insane. Tomorrow I start working out again, fuck it. I've been good at walking 40-50 miles per week to stay in decent shape, but I need to start weight training. I've been waiting for the gyms to reopen, but that's no longer a good enough excuse. I think I'll feel better if I do some body weight exercises, and there's one of those workout stations with pull up bars in a park nearby good enough!
 
My stomach is being an idiot again T_T Like, I have been told to just take digestion helping pills, or something, but gid, that shit is annoying. Basically, everything I can consume without a chance my stomach will decide to get achey is
1) meat and sausages
2) certain fast food (?)
3) pasta.
I also eat bananas and season fruit, but those may bring heartburn instead.

A lot of veggies it reacts odd to, and recently I started getting odd pain from rice.
Of note is that, despite being poor af, I have been eating veggies and dairy all my life (with no ill effects), so it can't be disuse. In fact, I fucking love dairy. Ugh.
 
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I've never felt more aggravated and hopeless in my life and every time I try talking about it online I get mocked, powerlevel ratings, banned from Discord servers, or literally told it's my fault for being more successful than others because capitalism is evil. Not sure if I should talk about it with IRL friends because I'm afraid of them doing the same.
 
I'm feeling strangely validated by the world going to shit. I'm used to heavy stress and at times, the concern for sudden violence and being ready for it.

Most normal people never mastered finding tiny bits of happiness in a bleak world, I'm pretty good at it and I'm doing it daily.
 
I feel empty, hallow. I've stated elsewhere here that I'm holding on to the hope that things will, eventually, get better, but as this wretched year plows on it feels more and more that it's just a sweet lie I'm telling myself to keep from fully plunging into despair and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel at all. It's all I can do anymore to watch silly internet videos to keep that voided feeling away for a fleeting moment before coming back to the crushing reality we're witnessing of everything crumbling to pieces.

Maybe it's because I've been too embedded in the more heavy (aka sociopolitical) threads here lately so the insanity is grossly inflated in my head...
 
As if this year wasn't shit enough, I just had to euthanize one of my hens. Was covered in maggots and and wasn't moving so I ended her suffering. During a rainstorm because of fucking course.

I just, I just can't take much more...


I'm sorry to hear that. Euthanizing a pet is one of the hardest things a person can do. I've had it done enough times to swear off dog ownership for good. Hang in there bud.
 
I hope everyone is doin' alright :))))

Life has just been uneventful really with COVID. it's just meh. I've been out a few times to go to the bank and shopping, etc. It's just quiet and the city is pretty empty, it's like living in a ghost town....

I started using the Farms' again - that's how bored I am with life right now. I am torn though as this peacefulness is kind of nice, but it is also kind of lonely... like yeah.
 
I don't remember waking up once I went to sleep but I feel like I slept restlessly. Luckily, there is caffeine!
 
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