Given that this thread is still attracting attention, I thought I'd give some updates as to my situation.
About a week into my job there was a medical incident and I had to go to A&E (ER for Americans) to get a tetanus shot. This was during when there was still a coolness to our relations, and my mother took this time to make this incident all about herself - how I was inconveniencing her, how she would have to miss work the next day, etc. Basically I was to blame for something that happened due to lax safety standards at the establishment. I quit that job the day after for both how management handled the incident plus other reasons (I often had to bring in my own cleaning supplies as the cleaning agency was slow to provide them, so the job cost me money). At the hospital I basically told my mother to can it with her complaints and that I was tired of her disgusting selfishness. She sort of cooled after that (maybe she saw through herself for a brief moment), and things between us were fine until my college's Christmas break. I'm in my final year of college and last semester was incredibly tough, so when I finished the last of my exams I was feeling very relieved and happy. The day after my assessments (this was very close to Christmas) I opened a box of sweets bought by my nan for the house and ate a handful, and when my mother came downstairs and saw the opened box she exploded into a rage, denouncing how selfish I was and saying she'd need to buy another box to "replace what I had stolen". I had only eaten approximately 5-6 sweets, mind you. My nan tried to calm her down but my mother proceeded to get angrier, claiming my grandmother was only "enabling my behaviour".
To be honest the sheer ridiculousness of this incident baffled me, but I did get quite upset admittedly. It's still hard for me to comprehend the depths of my mother's dysfunction. I believe she was angry at my good mood following my exams and went out of her way to ruin it. The very next day my nan mediated a talk between us, but not before my mother entered the bathroom after I had a shower while I was still getting dressed. She began diatribing at how "your nan is very upset" because of the fight between us, which I reminded her in no uncertain terms that she caused. My nan came into the house in the midst of this, and sat us both down. My nan is very fragile at the moment due to her health issues and I know our fighting is troubling her. She started by asking my mother what is going on with her and why my eating the sweets bothered her so much. To cut a long story short my mother confessed to being deeply miserable in herself and was unhappy with me for not doing enough housework, but couldn't really offer a discernible reason for her behaviour. Interestingly, my nan called my mother out several times - she pointed out how my mother is quite well-off materially yet never seems to be happy, how she never tries to improve her circumstances and that she's often unreasonable in how she feels (my mother likes to lament on how she feels "put-upon" by others in the family and how it's never returned, as she's completely blind as to how others cater for her). She also figured out that I had been talking to other members of the family "behind her back". I took this opportunity to tell my her what a hideously selfish woman she was, and that I was done catering to her feelings. I forced her to acknowledge how little emotional support she offered me over the years, and when backed into a corner my mother made the rather pathetic confession that she "doesn't know how to be a mother".
You might think this would have led to some change in the house, but funnily enough everything has been swept under the rug and it was never addressed again. It's been nearly two months since then and I have been successfully greyrocking her to mixed results; I avoid her presence physically, but she has increased the amount of digging she does, such as remarking on what I'm watching on TV or how often I lose my headphones. I've ignored all these comments. In the past few days she's been almost sicklingly sweet to me, trying to spend time with me by inviting me out to dinner or being physically affectionate. She even came up to my room last night looking for me as I ignored her all day. Because she has started giving me a college allowance (we also have an agreement where she pays me to do housework during her work-intensive weeks), I've decided that the best strategy is to keep the peace for now. I've been dealing with some health issues (likely exacerbated by the stress of everything going on), so for the moment I'm focusing on getting better and keeping on top of my college studies, applying for MA programmes and trying to endure my mother until I can leave.
Overall, I am doing okay. Every day I understand her behaviour and the affect of our enmeshment on my psyche, so it's not all gone to waste. I've been taking a lot of solace in my religion as a source of strength in these times, and I do feel hopeful for the future. There's a lot going on in my family currently - my nan is enduring health problems of her own, my older uncle is having a baby and my younger uncle was on his honeymoon, so all the family BS was swept under the rug. My biggest priority is getting to my Masters - not only will I be living away from home but my programme is very work-centric so I should have no issues getting a job. Because my mother will likely help pay for my living expenses my goal is to avoid pissing her off for now, but I will cut all contact the moment I'm able to do so.
I also just want to thank all the kind responses and well-wishes I got on this thread, I truly appreciate it. I often revisit this thread when I feel myself backsliding into engrained thought patterns or behavioural patterns with my mother. I'm lucky that there's so many kind farmers out there, and I pray to all farmers that have endured or are enduring this struggle
