If the Farms existed pre-Internet, which historical figures would request personal armies?

[Candlelight Desolation]

Elagabalus may have a thread in Rat Kings or Stinkditch

 

[KittyGremlin]

Ayn Rand. She would be in the same vein as Terry, trying to kickstart their own thing (objectivism) only for people to catch on it after their death. She'd probably get mocked for her weird relationship dynamic and %100 would A-log Stalin and any communist poster while orbiting McCarthy. She'd probably get MATI over people reminding her she's a jew.

And somehow, half the site would simp for her anyway.

 

[Yankee Shogun]

If Kiwi Farms existed pre-Internet it would be one of those weird zines you have to purchase at porn shops.

I want a Kiwifarms zine now, the future of lolcow coverage in Europe.

 

[Reminmyster]

Henry VIII seems like someone that would make a good thread and maybe Adolf Hitler as well.

 

[Captain Manning]

Socrates. But he'd piss everybody off with his argumentative bullshit, get halal'd, and then banned.

So, basically what happened IRL, except there replace halal'd with trial, and banned with forced to drink hemlock.

 

[Skitarii]

Shakespeare would probably get banned for socking because his posting style is too similar to other insufferable playwrights

 

[Irredemable Retardation]

Every single communist party in the world would have members using sockpuppets to attack rivals inside. It would be so bad that a subforum would be made for all the requests from commies. (And the resulting Halal threads)

 

[The Rats in the Walls]

Not armies, but these would be, I believe, well documented:

Nikola Tesla, the original Terry Davis

Of course uncle Ted

Oscar Wilde

Paul Verlaine and Arthur Rimbaud

Lord Byron

Alexander Pushkin

Edit: the man in my profile picture as well

 

[Punished Neco]

Emperor Augustus after the Battle of Teutoburg Forest.

"Null, Null, Give me back my legions!"

 

[Rogue AI]

Andrew Jackson would have his own thread that he would post in. He would argue with farmers about the status of his wife's divorce and the various duels he got in over it. Eventually he would try to unite kiwis against central banks and the federal reserve.

 

[Mexican Molotov Marauder]

Everyone Sam O'Nella made a video on. People already said Timothy Dexter, Joshua Norton, Charles Guiteau and Diogenes. But there are a lot more, like the whole circus' worth of clowns that were the William D. Porter's crew, those morons would definitely have a 'Trashfire' tagged thread in the WWII subforum. Michael Malloy would be well-liked like KingCobraJFS and we would be eternally ass mad at Tony Marino and his butt-buddies, Francis Pasqua and Daniel Kreisberg for a-logging him. Tarrare would be a horror cow. Daniel Dancer would also have a thread. Quite a few of the popes would be Robert McKim Sr. level tards, getting into slapfights with people fucking with them, every bloody crusade would be a personal army request too.

 

[IAmNotAlpharius]

Francisco Solano López would attempt to make multiple PA threads before being banned, getting ass mad that nobody took his PA requests super cereal, and start a war with both of Paraguay's more powerful neighboring countries and Uruguay. The war he starts would result in López and the entire nation of Paraguay getting their own subforum just because of how retarded the situation is.

Yes very much this. He always came across as one of the biggest lolcows. He ended up fighting three larger countries with predictable results.

 

[newuser131]

OJ Simpson

• had a dad who turned out to be gay.
• oj beat up the dad's boyfriend
• heisman trophy and nfl carrier
• enterprise spokesman
• naked gun movies
• double homicide (allegedly)
• social pariah
• went to prison due to robbing for his own sports memorabilia
• has twitter account
• ethan ralph's hero

 

[TapewormBillie]

Charles Manson would wear this site like a condom. Read up his ramblings and motivations; if he weren't in jail or dead, he'd have been a regular here.

 

[Press_Play2002]

The Lord Byron's daughter Ada Lovelace would request/passively gather an army of simps here. Just to cover up her gambling debts. As Cyrax and Greta Thunberg prove to the greater Internet, when it comes to weird losers, one needn't look further than their entire familial ancestry and immediate relatives.

"Papa Doc" Duvalier would spend most of his time in his megathread and would attempt to threaten users with "Voodoo Boogeymen" until people who don't live in Haiti got bored of his Autism and banned him after a good few months.

Idi Amin would lurk in any thread that hinted at Cannibalism.

And of course, everyone's favourite "Hitlerian Marxist" and "Unique Miracle" Francisco Macias Nguema would be another Solana Lopez-tier contender for "Lolcow of the Century" as far as lifetime achievements go. He talked to skulls, ordered executions involving armed soldiers cosplaying as Santa Claus in the national stadium to the Mary Hopkin song "Those Were the Days" with Macias singing along in drunken joy and would drink various hallucinogenics whilst his mansion slowly resembled a hoarder's den with contraband modern medicine that he stockpiled for recreational use and rotting money from the Treasury he looted. He would even have his profile motto read "There is no other god than Macias" replete with bad spelling. If you ever wondered what it would be like if people such as Chris-Chan or Russel Greer were real-life dictators who had a nation they would personally govern every aspect of, there is no other example more "true to life" than Macias' 11-year reign of Equatorial Guinea.

Jean-Bedel Bokassa, the "last Emperor of Africa" would serve to embarrass any celebrity and historical politisperg who orbited around him, or were associated with his orbiters who were present during his "Coronation".

 

[Chromeo]

I feel like Sylvia Plath would've had a thread in Beauty Parlor/Gorl Tawk, but it'd probably go dead after she died

 

[the grey cat]

how about napoleon bonaparte? that guy is a stinkin' incel because he did the 1700s equivalent of sending a-log emails to his crush that told him to fuck off from her sight multiple times. I'm sure this dunce will spam PA threads until he gets banned just because his fee fees are hurt by Josephine (rightfully so).

 

[HyperboreanRightsActivist]

I feel like Sylvia Plath would've had a thread in Beauty Parlor/Gorl Tawk, but it'd probably go dead after she died

Sylvia Plath would bitch about her husband all day in the Man Hate Thread and would get into slapfights with Osamu Dazai in A&H. It would end with both of them an-heroing after their ERP logs are outed to the rest of the site. They'd probably meet up to fuck.

Michelangelo would brag about his gay paintings in Arts & Literature, only to get bullied by Da Vinci, Machiavelli, Raphael, Cesare Borgia, Pope Julius II, and Lorenzo de' Medici, who would go on to commission better-looking paintings than him.

 

[Arpharp8976Fire]

Ted Kyzinski would be considered a lolcow.

Tommy Wisseau with his movie The Room is definitely lolcow territory

 

[Cloaca Rimjob]

Sylvia Plath would bitch about her husband all day in the Man Hate Thread and would get into slapfights with Osamu Dazai in A&H. It would end with both of them an-heroing after their ERP logs are outed to the rest of the site. They'd probably meet up to fuck.

Michelangelo would brag about his gay paintings in Arts & Literature, only to get bullied by Da Vinci, Machiavelli, Raphael, Cesare Borgia, Pope Julius II, and Lorenzo de' Medici, who would go on to commission better-looking paintings than him.

I'm glad you made me the least gay turtle