I've lurked on and off since Deagle Nation in 2014, and joined back in 2017 right after the first shutdown of the site ended. This site has been awesome and honestly is one of the better online communities in recent years, even with all the political sperging that has crept up over the years.
You've been doing good work on behalf of free speech and expression and fighting the good fight for years, but I get why you want to retire and just walk away from this to start a family.
These are my serious, non-meme answers and even if they sound retarded it's because I'm actually retarded and not because I'm pretending to be tarded.
1. How do I move into stability and towards a more fulfilled person?
a. Commit to a place
Move back to the United States OR pick a place that you're going to stay, and settle and commit to it. I can really relate to you when you talk about being from MD, growing up in FL and as a result not feeling at home in either place or anywhere for that matter. I'm a few years older than you and have a similar experience, I was you. You try to find an imagined place that's going to be perfect or at least damn cozy where you fit right in....the truth is that there no such place. You have to pick a decent place, plant your roots, and make that your home.
b. Focus on being more of a person.
Right now much of your life is managing this online octopus you've slowly become the keeper of. That has to be fucking draining. This gets in to your second question but you need to stake out more of you and expand yourself. Try to become a more well-rounded and multifaceted person.
i.Read, from the podcasts I know you're doing it but do it more. Not self-help books or modern current event shit. Read the classics, contemporary fiction in a genre you like, or just straight quality non-fiction.
ii. Develop hobbies that aren't electronic. Fishing, hunting, knitting, wood working, whatever. You may not like any of the typical hobbies at first and that's fine, just pick one, put your head down and do it. Focus on getting better. This will give you something else to think about and make you a more interesting person to potential IRL friends and women.
iii. Consider furthering your education. You have an associate's degree now which is something to be proud of but small. Yea you hate orthodox education, I know, but you'll be proud of yourself at the end of it, it'll give you more self worth and confidence and it's something that nobody can ever, ever take away from you.
iv. Exercise. Fuck all the workout advice and just do cardio and strength training at whatever level you're comfortable. Start with walks and make them longer everyday, then work up to jogging, and then running. You can do plenty of impactful strength exercises without buying shit; pushups, situps, dips, that shit's all free and you can do privately. The key is to make your own, daily routine, and stick to it like you'll keel over and die if you miss it. Exercise won't be the most important thing you do in a day, but it should be the most important thing that you do everyday.
v. Change your Diet. Stop snacking, stop drinking full calorie drinks, and stop drinking alcohol. Do not eat out, unless with friends, and do not order food in. Carefully plan what you're going to buy each week and stick to that at the store. Take a multivitamin and avoid empty calories. Limit yourself to less than 2000 calories a day until you reach your target weight. Nuts and fruit are a great stomach filler and the only truly rough days will be the first three, after that it will be easy.
vi. Commit to a sleep schedule and stick to it. Figure out how much sleep you need to function, surely between 6-8 hours, and block off that time every night and stick to that shit religiously. Go to sleep at the same time every night and don't allow yourself to make excuses to stay up later. Don't use screens for the hour before you go to bed and don't hang out in your bed unless it's to sleep.
vii. Find God. I have to say it because it worked for me. I was a hardcore atheist in my late teens and early twenties, I get it. It's hard to study comparative religion and swallow the pill but tbh you don't have to believe all of it hard to take the initial plunge. There are certainly parts of Christianity I don't fully buy but that doesn't stop it from being incredibly helpful in my life and with my mental, and spiritual well-being.
For me it was Catholicism, which I know you've said is the worst kind of Christianity, but finding a second family and making friends in my parish has been amazing. Religion, in any of its more orthodox forms, fills the need for ritual and those things beyond mortal existence that all humans have in their psyches. Going to mass every Sunday has become the cornerstone of my week. Holy days, the sacraments, and Catholic traditions have provided me with a great deal of comfort and meaning I was lacking in the material world. No this isn't me trad-cath posting and I don't like (or dislike) or watch N. Fuentes. I went down this road before it was a meme online.
I know it's gay but I just have to recommend it to you. Feel free to mock it but if you even think you might be interested start going to mass or to services at a protestant church. Go a few times, get an idea of it, and then talk to the Priest/Pastor or the church secretary/outreach leader/whomever about joining. It's much easier than it feels at the beginning and it's the kind of thing that you only realize you desperately needed after you've done it.
c. Focus on other people. I'd spoiler all of this as gay but nah.
i. You need to forgive your Mother...or at least attempt to reconnect with her. If it's truly a dead relationship then ok, you can live with that, but it's worth it to yourself to try to rekindle or build a relationship with her at least periodically. Nobody will ever love you like your mother and when she's gone you can't get another one. You will never find a woman that will love you so purely and unconditionally. You might hate her, she might hate you, but when she's gone you're gonna wish you had done more.
I hated my Mom and thought she hated me. I was an only child, she was divorced and raised me sans Dad. I really don't know my Dad or care for him though he was around for the first ~10 years. Growing up was rough, she and we struggled financially, she was committed to her career and our relationship was never good. As an adult I went months and even years without talking to her. Then she died rather unexpectedly. I regret everything.
Don't become me Josh.
ii. Make IRL friends. You don't do traditional work so this will be tricky but hobbies, and church can be a good way to meet people and build friendships. Make them a priority and nurture those relationships.
iii. Get a GF/Wife. There's too much bullshit out there and I'm not going to add to it but you seem to already have this as a goal so get at it.
iv. Get a pet....or at least a houseplant. Something you can care for and nurture. Dogs are best.
v. Get involved with your community. This ties back in to the picking a place and planting roots bit but the opportunities abound. Deliver food to old people or volunteer at a food bank, help the fair board, join a group that picks up litter, fucking anything.
2. How do I refocus my efforts so my workload is more manageable?
Create a routine and stick to it. Block off certain hours in which you work and keep and repeat them, do not go over, not for anybody. There are rare emergencies where you might have to put in extra time but those should be emergencies...once or twice a year, not every other day. It should be reasonable hours as well. As you're self-employed try miming the normal work week of 8hrs or less a day, 5 days a week or however less you need.
You also need to delegate more (which it sounds like you're doing) and get comfortable doing it. As the boss man you should only be doing the work which only youcan do.
Also, get offline more. The internet is radioactive to a person's mental health. Sleep 8, work 8, and fill the other 8 with relationships, hobbies, self-improvement, and church. Spend time with just yourself and your thoughts, with others, and with nature. The internet will always be there and it doesn't really change that much in a given day.
Over-committing to a job, whatever it is, and over-stacking your work-life balance is brutal on anybody and not sustainable in the long run, you will break like you feel you are now.
3. How do I have fun again?
You're a Man now Josh, the fun is harder to come by. This happens to everyone. You can drink or have mindless sex but those things are ephemeral and hollow. Fun now will come from hobbies, dogs, and kids (raising them, not molesting them).
Ok I'm done and I apologize to you and anyone else who read this. This is all basic self-help shit and not my original ideas, but it's all stuff that worked for me and I see some parallels between us.
Good luck Josh, if the Farms have to go away for you to be healthy and happy then that's fine. You are more important than a website and you don't owe anybody shit.
The site has become another victim in an increasingly polarised internet and that is unfortunate. I am not pro-Trump by any measure, nor do I live in the US to begin with, however the entire anglosphere is more-or-less following American politics and it has ruined open dialogue basically everywhere. The amount of politically-neutral spaces has very nearly evaporated. There's only a handful of people I can talk to outside of this forum who can carry a conversation about current events without taking a hardline stance and shitting everywhere if they hear something that goes against the popular narrative.
What I admire the most about this place is the culture of actually bothering to fact check and archive the evidence, even if it is something completely mundane. The fact that a vast majority of people will take cherry-picked screenshots of articles at face value on social media without a second glance frustrates me. A lot of it is just driven by confirmative bias and it's apparently almost impossible to counter misinformation if it's in favour of the popular rhetoric. Conspiracies about 5G causing corona? Don't worry, every fucking website is putting up warnings whenever it sees certain word combinations. Conveniently cropped footage of a brave female protester getting arrested for no reason and crying about it? It's emotionally manipulative enough to get tract, and nobody who cares is going to see the extended version showing what really happened after the fact.
This place becoming increasingly politically slanted and popular was not the fault of its own. That was the doing of every other corporate-owned website doing content scrubs to purge anything inoffensive and eventually making places like KF look more attractive to whoever wanted a home. I've taken two sabbaticals from this site for my own good, but whenever I came back was because I missed having somewhere to read and discuss sensitive topics with at least some critical thought which has all but left any discussion taking place on social media.
The particular type of sperg you mention that drains fun is a very ugly creature, it shields itself on shrouds of truth and virtue, however inside they are nothing but an ugly, hateful goblin; they know nothing but to consume whatever they set foot on, and they are nastier than your average lunatic as they do not seem to be one at first glance, dealing with them would tire anyone, dealing with them in the ammounts you do is enough to drive someone to rash decisions.
More than that, you have been dealing with most of this alone, something for which while I have incredible respect for, I also find, and excuse me if this sounds too faggy, worrying; you can't possibly run this ever growing forum alone, I know you don't want to relinquish much control or delegate, I know it's hard when it's *your* forum, but you have to do it, the place will only continue to grow unless you or some catastrophic event (like the 230 deal) force it down.
You have to take a break my dude, this site and everything about it have to be very consuming on every aspect imaginable, you absolutely need some fresh air and fresh perspective on you to make the correct decision; and I repeat myself, but even after that break please do not think you can deal with this alone any longer.
Go have some pickled banana peppers, work out, have some fun, learn to play the accordeon and remove kebabs (or any actual offline hobby), God knows you've earned some respite from this.
And, should you come to the decision to shut it down, thank you for the laffs.
I hope you find the answers you're looking for, Null. I've been very disillusioned with the Internet as a whole for a little while and everything just feels so tedious and tiresome. I appreciate the effort you put into this site.
I am fully in favor of nuking all political discussion from the site.
It's all just so much vicious, divisive shit that boils down to everyone joining one of two factions and hating everyone in the other faction over people they will never meet. It's sad to see two posters I really like, @Hollywood Hulk Hogan and @Guts Gets Some at each other's throats because of whatever a bunch of rich faggots in Washington are doing. I've lost friends of over 15 years over my "surely orange man isn't as bad as you say he is" stance, and that was long before the Section 230 bullshit, which I'm 100% against Trump's decisions on. My life's trajectory completely changed for the worse because of the clown world overdrive bullshit that started in 2016, and there's fuck-all I can do about it now.
Also, if Josh moves back to Florida, I'd happily wingman for him. He helped me find an amazing girlfriend, and I'd love to return the favor. (I know he probably wouldn't wanna meet up with a rando that only joined last year, but hey, the offer's on the table)
I got nothing of real substance to add but I wish I had joined a lot sooner, been really enjoying this place and forums like this really don't exist anymore, even if it's mutated to a point you don't care for all that much. I get where you're coming from though, it's a shame the internet has hit the point it has, sites are either dead or get too big, there's little inbetween and it's leading to a lot of people not having a place to go.
No arguments on the OP. Congrats on realizing #1, that usually takes guys a few more years.
You should also know that a lot of IT people start to feel burnout around 30, if they've been doing it since they were teenagers. It's common. The technologies that originally got them interested are dead, the world has moved on to paradigms that seem dumb, and getting anything done is complex to the point of frustration.
I can't promise you a shining happy light on the other side of it--some guys quit the field, some shift to management, some just grit their teeth and keep do an annoying job that pays well. (Passion projects on the side help the guys who keep going, but I don't know if that's any help for your situation.)
My one suggestion is to see how much you can automate the managing of this site, so you can do other things. Let A&N be morons in their cage, find an admin who will accept/analyze DMCA requests, etc. Hopefully the hardware and hosting situation is stable now, if not, then try to make things as cruise control as possible there.
If you have 1-2 things you're doing that cause outsized headaches, drop them. Maybe that archive site, or 9chan. Shit sucks but that's how shit is.
Finally, for what it's worth, I think you have some people here who are willing to stick their neck out for you, but it's hard to see how, given your situation. We can't offer hosting, the tech work you do is idiosyncratic, we can't build out payment processors, we have no power over the people who attack you, etc. Donations are always possible, but that doesn't seem to solve any of the things you listed as a problem. And none of us has a line directly to Trump to tell him to stop being stupid about 230. We can't even drive over and buy you a beer.
I don't know if that's a fixable meta-problem. Maybe it's worth exploring how to make the site easier to support. If not, well, at least know you got some people who think more highly of you than you realize. But we're still going to troll you for being a huge faggot.
A while ago when I was chatting about my irl work in chat, you gave me one of the most sincere sounding compliments I've ever had in just saying something along the lines of "people like you do good." It genuinely warmed my little crippled heart and I thank you for that. I know you have the image of the big nazi forum overlord to most people who don't have a clue what this site actually is, but after sitting around this place for a couple of years now it's just shown me how insane it is that your real life has been so targeted by just being the owner of this site alone.
With the current state of the world, with the US burning and spreading its shit to every other country in the name of alleged civil rights, this forum has become almost a lifeline to my sanity. Seeing people I've been friends with for a long ass time jump on the bandwagon of spreading shit by antifa and shilling everything BLM related, proudly declaring how they are cutting off friends of theirs for finding out they're not so supportive of this absolute shitshow that is society rn is kinda scary to me. Weak and faggy? Probably. But friendship and community are important to me and the current politics of the so called communities that my "minority" status grants me access to has only served to make me live my life part in terror of losing everything I hold close to me just because I don't agree with the wider narrative that others do. Do I support people who have been genuinely wronged by police who seem to think their job is all about showing people how much power they have over them? Absolutely. Do I support defunding the police service, destroying your local stores and vandalising public property to try to drive that point home? Fuck no. But in saying that I'm all but banished from every circle and subjected to genuine racial abuse just for having an opinion and risk having everything I've worked for in my life ruined.
I don't want children, but I do want to find s partner and settle down. Unfortunately being anywhere right of Mao in politics in the LGBT world now means you can say goodbye to support from 99% of that crowd. People who don't subscribe to it all don't stay within the community in the first place, leading to a very lonely existence where sometimes you have no idea how you will ever find someone to spend your life with. Before I joined the farms and managed to finally see there are at least some like-minded gays in the world, there would be many times where I 100% would just wish I could be straight. Ironic how a community of people dedicated to the support and ending of discrimination against gays would make someone start hating themselves for being different, but hey what's new.
This forum may not be the best. A&H is plagued as fuck as we all know and political sperging makes just wanting to have a giggle at some stupid shit a little more difficult, but there's still some good shit here that puts a smile on my face every day. I hope you find yourself a way to make it through this little semi mid life crisis Josh, because I feel even if it wasn't your intent, this site gives people who aren't quite accepted in their own circles a place to just say what they want without fearing for their livelihoods being ruined by the mob.
I will admit the politics is a draw. I live in a shitty state where I would lose basically every relationship or job prospect I have if I said what I really felt. I can understand where you're coming from and to an extent I agree that politics is cancer but it doesn't have to be. I don't really have a party or candidate or politician I attach value to. Trump is a nonfactor.
But it really does sound like you need time off to collect your thoughts, make a plan, and put it to action. There's nothing wrong with wanting to settle down and have a family. You will need a plan to get there. Unplug for a bit and take some time to do that.
I'll be sad to see this place go if it does. As much of a bad rap as this place has, there's some decent people on here.
The days of Chris Chan trolling are long gone. I have a simply philosophy, if something does not bring me fulfillment anymore I drop it. I drop comics, manga, and console gaming because of that. If Kiwifarms does not make you happy anymore drop it and find something that does.
i wish you the best of luck. im nearing 30 myself and i find myself constantly thinking about getting off the internet, buying some land, raising some animals, and raising some kids.
while i dont think im really part of the old guard my time here was fun, but i cant really begrudge you for wanting something more in your life
good luck and godspeed ooperator!
edit: by the way, i am growing banana peppers this season and will be pickling a bunch when they finish growing in july. let me know if you would like me to mail you some
If I can speculate a bit for a moment, I think you are probably a lot more critical of yourself than is justified. Perhaps you can dismiss this as trivial, but you have had a more significant impact through KF and other stuff online than most people are likely to have in an entire lifetime. Sure it may be in a vaguely autistic online sort of way, but I think it counts for something.
It would be presumptuous for me to offer advice or amateur psychoanalysis beyond what I’ve already said, particularly because I’m quite new here (at least as a registered user), so instead I’ll ask if you feel there is any concrete action that the rest of us can take to make this better for you. The most obvious of course is to provide further financial support, which is an entirely reasonable thing to ask given the amount of time you’ve dedicated to the site. You alluded to being more “selfish” (in reality, prudent) and I doubt anyone will fault you for it. Either way, I appreciate all you’ve done and I wish you good luck. The reputational damage you’ve suffered for the sake of providing us all with a free space like this is sacrifice enough to earn my gratitude.
Thank you for writing this Null. Reading it has meant a lot to me, for what it's worth, seeing what happens when you take your principles to the extreme the way you have, and where it leads. I have tremendous respect for you and what you have done, and that won't change if you decide to run one day.
Please don't shut us down Null, this site is basically the last bastion of what web culture was in the 2000s, I haven't had this much fun in an online community in years.
The world needs a site like this where people can be open and honest and vent.
Look, for what it's worth I turned 30 myself last year and yeah, I've been in an existential funk ever since, I know what you're feeling, but just trust me when I say that this is a site worth fighting for and preserving.
It's helped me and I'm sure a lot of people get through these exceptionally tough times.
Likewise. I am very scared with the coming rock and hard place of 230 repeal and corporate censorship destroying what little free speech remains on the internet. Finding the farms helped me recognize the abusive gaslighting dynamic I was starting to see elsewhere online and offline for what it is. The farms is one of very few sites that retains that web 1.0 feeling where you can just discuss things.
But that's not the site Null wants to run, and politics drenched spaces are a miserable twisted place to be.
I can't find it now, but awhile back I read an article on The Citizens Commission to Investigate the FBI, and how for some of them, it was a last act of rebellion before settling down and having children. They fought their fight, and then they moved on, balancing their own lives against the fight against injustice in the world.
I know you're not here to fight against the system so much as to laugh at tards, but the same principle applies: you decide when to move on.
