1. Jack's new intro is still a testament to how lazy he's gotten in chasing that attention. It's specifically designed so he can always use it since he can't be fucked to pick the right intro clip.
2. After the robo-child slave says the line, it opens with Jack mostly covered in a promotional for the water services he's getting for his house. I strongly suspect he's trying to mooch for a cheaper price.
2b. There's no fucking way this is a real sponsorship, which I think makes this a scam.
3. Jack is now blatantly lying about how this water treatment company stopped his kidney stones, despite having ones that look like road gravel taken out of him while in TN. What a mook.
3b. Also it's telling he does not mark the video as one that is sponsored. A testament to his non-effort IMO.
4. So Jack describes that two things that go together include parmesan and chicken, and that's sort of correct, chicken and cheese can go together, but it's not the full combo.
4b. Fun fact: the first batches of Chicken Parm came about in 1950s italian restaurants, so it's a pretty recent invention. There's suspicions it's due to some German influence, basically coming from the schnitzel.
5. So a chicken parm can't be made carnivore, even as Jack lies that he can eat it. This is because even the white sauces that cut on vegetables relies on roux, meaning this cannot be.
5b. However, since this fat fuck steals from tiktok and doesn't accredit it, maybe they came up with a shittier hack to avoid this.
6. Alright, so the recipe he's gonna mangle involves chicken thighs, egg, butter, parmesan, fucking ranch powder, bone broth, garlic, and whipping cream.
7. So besides the fact I hate ranch, the heavy cream likely has added sugars unless you check, so this one's a dud too for his fake and gay diet.
8. Jack changes the recipe by replacing the asked for chicken breasts for thighs. Because of that, his cook time should change, since chicken thighs take a few extra minutes. So that's reason one we're gonna get pink chicken.
8b. Jack also lies to himself that 2 breasts equals four thighs, which I guess in amount sure, but I feel like this is mostly fat math to eat more.
9. Jack is dogwhistling about his fears of fake meat by sperging about how he wants his shit bone in. By the way that also adds to cook time. You should debone that fucking crap, but nope. BONE IN HONK HONK.
10. Also I'm noticing no mozzarella. That's usually the cheese that you top what you cook with alongside the salty parm.
11. Jack opens by poorly mixing in an egg wash while calling it the "dip for the chicken". Nothing to really say tbh.
12. So Jack is horrifically going to use the parm as the flour base and the final bread crumbing for this shitshow. So it's just going to be neverending burning cheese crisp bullshit that tastes salty and horrid.
13. Oh goody he's adding the ranch powder to this fuckshow. Gotta load up on that salt to stroke out again.
14. "If you're doing like me" No. No Jack, no one is doing like that. People would debone that crap.
15. Jack legit actually describes how he could have deboned the thigh, and then says he's not gonna do that. Oh fuck off.
16. Jack cocks up how you dredge and flour; you dry first since there's moisture in the chicken that will stick, then eggwash, then you flour again.
16b. I'd suggest using another hand for the breading to minimize the bread fingers you form, but well... he only has some of one left.
17. Jack hasn't put enough to coat the chicken proper, and he's desperately mushing more on that got stuck on his hand.
18. "Sometimes most of it falls off" Jack failing to make a good egg wash with a powder designed to dissolve
18b. Jack actually gets tired by putting a bit of extra cheese onto this shitshow of a meal.
19. So Jack's also just going to bake this shit show rather than fry and then bake. Honestly, that was probably the right call given how the cheese and ranch would burn and make some violently disgusting vapors.
19b. 425 degrees F by the way is way too hot to bake these things in. It's basically just asking to burn the cheese regardless.
20. Jack rails on going by temp for cook time, citing 165* F as the magic number. Since this is bone in, that makes it a lot easier to fuck up since bone transmits heat faster, and you know he isn't going to do more than one reading.
21. Jack also tries to weasel since he wants to eat this slop now that it could be sooner than 30 minutes to cook, which means he's gonna pull it out ASAP and not give a shit that it's raw near the bone.
22. Jack starts the sauce by dumping a horrid amount of butter into a pot, and states that this will tell you when the pot's warmed up. Which is sort of true but not what humans would describe it as.
23. Jack claims the recipe is down below, when it's clearly not in his description, as he throws in the heavy whipping cream to curdle in whatever horseshit this is.
24. He adds in bone broth and the minced garlic to this hell fluid that calls itself a sauce.
25. Jack struggles valiantly to open the parmesan container so he can add more into the hell fluid.
25b. No way in hell is he going to let this slop reduce and thicken at all. Also it's not really going to add any real complimentary flavors or contrasts to the chicken.
26. And the results are in. The chicken thighs are still goddamn pink and bleeding in the center, leaking cleanly out from the bones. The top has browned and charred lightly in places, as it should for cheese.
26b. I suspect, since Jack hates char and browning more than raw textures, that he took it out when he saw what it looked like after probing the bone directly.
27. He calls the horrible hellfluid he made cheese gravy. That intrinsically repulses me on every level. The worst thing is there are white sauces that you COULD have made, but it relies on roux.
28. This is just a terrible batch of shake and bake quasi-fried chicken that tastes like ranch. This has nothing to do with the mother dish at all.
29. Jack begs for you to let the hellfluid cool so the cheese proteins and fats reallign and solidify since he knows this looks like loose jizz.
29b. Jack forgot the butter in this hellfluid will harden too.
30. His instagram photo makes it look like he jizzed all over a pair of deep sea nudibranches. Truly horrific in a way only pictures can show you.
31. Jack makes the visuals worse by groaning "there you go... beautiful..." to really make my description match. Thank you Satan very cool.
32. Oh... the reason he let the visual stretch, besides lazy, is to hide the pink. Tough shit fatboy, we saw it in the first reveal.
33. Jack belatedly realizes he made something approaching a cheese sauce, and snidely corrects himself.
34. Jack licks the sauce a bit instinctively in homosexual urges before he eats the chicken. He's trying desperately to suppress his initial wince from what he tasted.
34b. In order: lick, lick, bite, realization it tastes like burned cheese crisps downed in ranch with semi-raw chicken, horror, suppression of horror to save ego, brief battle with first impulse, NPD victory as he smugly smiles due to the ranch masking the grossness.
35. Jack represses the urge to vomit due to the taste and his dysphagia from the stroke after mooing out a fake approval.
36. Jack relates how this recipe tastes an awful lot like Longhorn Steakhouses' take, and
I could buy it. I'd not be shocked if the Tiktok Fatty Doo Doo stole from used it as a baseline.
36b. I will state even that version recommends a panko crust.
37. "This is really good" ~ Cluster B headcase that almost vomited as he ate it due to disgust and dysfunction
38. Jack proclaims this delicious, and while I can see an appeal if done correctly, the ranch flavoring kills any interest I'd have in this. Give me a normal chicken parm over this nonsense any day of the week.
