Apologies in advance for sperging and for those who might be offended but I am going to count the ways James/Screenwave can fuck up an Earthworm Jim review:
1: very basic bitch take on the character, Doug TenNapel, Playmates toys. Won't mention how the game was conceived first to launch a new multi-media sensation. He will mention the cartoon, maybe because it had Dan Castellaneta voice Jim and someone at Screenwave will force a Simpsons joke in there. The cartoon was okay. I remember it from back in the day. It's probably one of the better game to cartoon adaptations. Edit: he'll fuck up the history behind the making of the game where he'll completely fail to mention that TenNapel and his guys worked on the Terminator game for Genesis and Sega CD and that engine was re-used for Aladdin on the Genesis, Cool Spot, and then finally re-used again and again for EWJ 1 and 2.
2: no mention of TenNapel controversy or maybe Screenwave will force in some kind of joke at his expense and compare him negatively to J.K. Rowling especially since Big Ryan would have a vested interest in dying on such a hill.
3: when he mentions the sequels there will be no mention of Thomas Tallarico's fraudulent Amico disaster and how they teased an Earthworm Jim 4 that never entered development. I know this will go without mention because James met Tallarico and will probably ignore the whole thing to prevent burning a bridge. Furthermore, there will be no mention of Tallarico not even doing the music of the 2 original EWJ games that he so claims.
4: I think he might go over the differences between the SNES and Genesis versions. Big difference is the sound is better on Genesis and the Genesis has an awesome secret level exclusive to it. Maybe a mention of the Sega CD version and the further differences there but I doubt it. No mention of the HD remake outsourced to China as well.
5: they won't show much of the secrets or the game's quirks like if you preserve your pistol ammo and get the cannon powerup you can one shot some really annoying enemies like the lawyers in What The Heck? The Snowman mini-boss can be one-shotted in What the Heck? And those giant muscle cats (no homo) in Down the Tubes can also be one-shotted even though you don't have to but it's fun.
6: Down the Tubes. He's either going to stop here or make no mention of Mike playing through the rest because the devs admitted that they designed this level to gatekeep so kids couldn't beat the game in a weekend on a rental (while this kid right here did). Down the Tubes is a very intense level that even when I beat it yearly I still get a little tense. I think he'll fuck up a joke about how your nerves are on end during this part of the game.
7: James will fuck up mentioning how if you do well in the Andy Asteroids mini-levels you get a continue. That's the only way to get a continue. The first 2-3 are pretty easy to get once you figure out how to play but they get harder and harder (no homo, again).
8: assuming the review doesn't stop at Down the Tubes he'll probably overlook the coolest level Snot a Problem where you bungie jump a boss to the death. 90's as fuck but so fucking cool.
9: I'm going to assume For Pete's Sake will be the level that will "break" the AVGN character. He'll throw a shit fit over how hard the level is. If not For Pete's Sake then definitely Down the Tubes.
10: assuming the review doesn't get cut off he'll get to the final boss, Queenslugforabutt, no mention of the notorious jump you need to make and use your whip or you just fucking die. And it will just end with no gravitas and no realization that you can whip the boss in the first phase to save ammo and do big damage.
11: EWJ 2 the "it's good but not
as good as the first one" sequel. Think: Predator 2 or Robocop 2 for vidya sequels. Some people do like this one more and it is more lenient with the difficulty by giving you passwords and infinite continues. But it changes everything.
I think James/Screenwave will fail to mention Snot. Who is Snot? He is supposed to be Jim's 2nd sidekick. He already had a sidekick (Peter Puppy who is featured prominently for the cartoon) but Playmates wanted another sidekick to sell toys. Snot's gimmick is replacing what the whip did in the first game but behaves exactly the same EXCEPT he doesn't deal damage. Making him worthless for play beyond the first level or maybe another level where you can hold jump as you fall to parachute with him (this ability is useful maybe once). It could be a funny tangent about Snot just being added to sell toys but I think James will fuck this up.
12: I'm going to make a prediction that James will like this one more because it's a bit easier than the first. And the even more OTT cartoon aesthetics will appeal to his autism.
13: I think he'll fuck up mentioning Puppy Love levels. Everyone hates these levels because they're so tedious to play and really bog down the whole game because you play them every. Single. Time. You complete a level. James won't mention this at all which could be a source of good comedy. Since it would make for good comedy he'll fuck it up.
14: I could see the level Lorenzo's Soil triggering his anxiety or some shit. Screenwave might force in a time joke at James' expense.
15: James (in character) will make a big deal about the Cave Salamander level and the trivia part. There will be a cancer sketch based on the trivia part of the level that will go on for a tediously unfunny amount of time.
16: James will go "Overall, great games but here comes the shit!" EWJ 3D. I mention he will fuck this up because he'll fuck up setting up how this game killed the IP.
17: the Game Boy Color game might get referenced but only very briefly. It's also not a good game.
18: EWJ 3D AKA Earthworm Jim 64. He will rush through this because it's a fairly long game for a collectathon platformer. It's also played very linearly unlike Mario 64. The gameplay is bland and there's a shitty camera but there's a lot to talk about regarding the production fuck ups and company changeover's. I don't think he'll go into any detail. James will say "Production was fucked up!" And that'll be it. He'll ignore that on the back of the N64 box there's a screenshot of Jim riding his Pocket Rocket (no homo!) that was completely scrapped from the game but still used to sell it.
EWJ 3D is kind of based in that it's set entirely in Jim's mind during a coma and the final boss is the female version of Jim named Earthworm Kim. The final boss is literally fighting your gay/closeted/trans self and I am not making this up!
THIS WILL GO WITHOUT ANY MENTION WHATSOEVER ESPECIALLY WITH BIG TRANNY RYAN AROUND!
Edit: BONUS FUCKUP!
19: I just remembered this. There's a mechanic in EWJ 1 where when you're falling and you quickly tap the jump button then Jim will mimic a helicopter with his head and this will slow your descent. You don't really need to use this mechanic except maybe once or twice to get some ammo or health or get to a secret. However. you absolutely positively need to use this mechanic in one part of the final level of Buttville where you drop down and have to navigate around thorns. I guarantee that James will fuck this up. EWJ 2 has a level similar to this but it's easier and quirkier where Jim is suddenly a cave salamander.
And that'll be the review. It'll end very weakly and probably have James make fart noises that amuses only himself.
Yes, EWJ is one of my favorite games. It's in my top 10 of all time and I try to beat it yearly. EWJ 2 is fine. It's a good game but the mini-game levels called Puppy Love are horribly over-long and annoying. Luckily there's a level skip code and I only use it on those levels. Some people don't like the top down level either but it's short and tolerable for me. I'm still pissed that EWJ 3D killed the franchise.
(rates self autistic)
