Let's Sperg kiwifarms.net Plays Coming Out On Top - Bros Are Hoes

First option, because manwhores.
 
Since the first one has the most votes, we'll go with that one. Let's just say, if you chose the second option, you would've gotten the funniest bad ending in the game.

Brad: Um...wow...ok...

Daisy: Who's it going to be, Brad?

Brad: No offense, but I think I'm gonna go in a different direction with the tutor, guys.

Adam: What? Wait!

Narrator: Brad just shakes his head and shows you both out.

Adam: (bangs on door) B-but, I was just kidding! No perks, there won't be any perks! I swear!

Brad: That's right, dude. Because you're fired.

Adam: Wait, no, PLLLEEEAAAASSSEEE!

Daisy: Way to go, dumbass, satisfied?!

Adam: A little. At least I got your ass fired too.

Narrator: You (and Daisy) are no longer tutoring Brad. School keeps you busy for the rest of the week.

Friday...

Narrator: After a long day of classes, you rifle through your closet, looking for something to wear to the fundraising dinner.

Ian: Whoa, you're going to meet Phil's dad already? Sounds serious.

Adam: It's not like that, Ian. I just met him and I'm sure he regards me as civilian scum. Anyway, next time Penny tries to set me up with one of her cousins, please punch me in the scrotum.

Ian: Will do. Penny's got the intuition of a potato, dude.

Adam: Yeah, I should know this by now. Anyway, the more I think about tonight, the sicker I feel. I swear I'm developing an ulcer. Not only is Phil going to be there, but I'm going to be rubbing elbows with his highly decorated politician father, a bunch of wealthy technological tycoons, and various other bigwigs.

Ian: You're looking at it the wrong way, dude. The rich and powerful are just like you and me.

Adam: Yes, I do hear some of them have emotions.

Ian: Seriously, they're super easy to charm. Do you want some advice? They love hearing about how there are more important things than being rich. Quote philosophy and ancient nuggets of wisdom.

 
Ian: *sigh* The fool is quick to decide what is foolish. Want another tip? Badminton dude?

Adam: Badminton? I swear you just said, 'badminton.'

Ian: Badminton's a good fat-cat hobby because it's eccentric, but non-threatening.

Adam: I'm not sure where you're getting all this advice. A silent film from the 1920s?

Ian: Cartoons from the 1950s, actually. You'd be surprised by the amount of biting social satire there is in children's entertainment.

Adam: Well, do you have a monocle? Because I can sense what's coming next.

Ian: Monocle? Ha, ha, ha! That's a great idea. I totally don't have a monocle, but I have something else you can use.

Narrator: Ian dashes out of the room in excitement. You shake your head as you finish changing. After a minute he reappears with a black object that he places firmly on your head.

Ian: The billionaires will love this.



Ian: It's quirky. It's hip. It shows your ironic sense of humor.

Dirk: Something smells smokey. Is this from one of your catastrophic magic shows?

Ian: So I did not mean to set that frat on fire. It was their fault for having such flammable curtains.

Dirk: You know, I think they sent us the bill for that scorched pool table, too.

Ian: What's important is that I saved this stylin' tool from the fire. It even pops up and down and you can use it for a Frisbee. You're going to impress the hell out of them, Adam. You'll see.

Adam: I still feel like I'm going to throw up.

Ian: No worries, I got plenty of antacids for when I scarf down too many pastries at work. It's next to my, I mean your toothbrush. You got it covered, dude. Now charm their made-in-Switzerland pants off.

Narrator: You head into the bathroom and pop a few antacid tablets.

 
Let's keep it, we look dapper, and it's slightly less autistic than a fedora
 
Narrator: Funny enough, the hat does feel comforting.

Later...

Narrator: The hotel parking lot is crowded with luxury cars. You pass through a lobby filled with marble surfaces and plush, spotless carpets. You and Penny walk through a set of double doors decorated with blue and white streamers. The room is crowded with men in suits and beautiful women in evening gowns and fancy jewelry. The sound of hushed voices, soft piano music and the clinking of glasses fill the air. Weird. You're feeling light-headed and more than a little woozy.

Penny: By the way, you can totally take that off now.

Adam: You no likey?

Narrator: A man who looks like an older version of Phil, handsome and impeccably dressed, walks towards the two of you. He's flanked by a forty-something in a business suit, who you assume is a staffer.

Man: (Glances at your hat and then you.) Donald Healy.

Adam: Adam Sandler. A pleasure. (you tip your hat.)

Donald: That's quite a hat you got there. (Eyes his companion uneasily.)

Aide: Mr. Sandler, would you like me to check that very stylish hat into the coat room for you?

Adam: No thanks.

Penny: (gives him a little kick) Maybe you should take that off now, Dirk.

Adam: Take what off?

Penny: Are you ok?

Adam: I feel pretty good. I feel really good in fact.

Penny: My friend doesn't seem to be feeling well. I think he just needs a little water. If you'll please excuse us.

Donald: The bar's over there. Please enjoy yourselves.

Penny: Did you have a drink before you came here?

Adam: No. My stomach was acting up so Ian told me to grab some of his cool-looking antacid tablets.

Penny: Um, you know that Ian's got a bunch of different pills and stuff that he stores in the medicine cabinet, right? For his zoology class?

Adam: What do you mean, Pen-Pen?

Penny: Animal tranquilizers. Oooh Ian! Adam, stay right here! I'm going to get you some water from the bar. DON'T MOVE. I'll be back with...Oh my god! That's the developer of the 'Shhhh' app over there, sipping a martini.

Narrator: Penny bolts off. You stand near a table, steadying yourself with the back of a chair.

Adam: Hey Philbert.

Phil: It's Phil and let me take that hat off for you.

Adam: It's not my hat. I borrowed it.

Phil: If you don't take off that hat, I'm going to throw you out.

Adam: It's not just a hat, man!

Phil: I can't believe you have the nerve to show up here like this at an important fundraiser.

Adam: It's a conversation piece. Important for conversating.

Phil: You are not a magician. And you've obviously been smoking something!

Man: Here's the young man I've been looking for.

Narrator: You see an older couple standing behind you.

Phil: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Walker.

Mr. Walker: Phil, your father mentioned that you just survived boot camp!

Mrs. Walker: Your father is so proud. Especially since you're heading into Reconnaissance.

Phil: Well, I'm not there yet. I still have to pass my quals and train. It's a challenge just to get in.

Mr. Walker: I'm sure you'll do fine. You're one of the most motivated and hard-working young men we know. You should see the miscreants our daughter takes home. It's my opinion that she shouldn't be dating until she's thirty-seven.

Mrs. Walker: And just WHO is your friend over there? I spotted him walking around earlier. You just can't miss that.

Phil: Oh this is Adam.

Adam: The fourth.

Phil: .... He's a friend of my cousin.

Mrs. Walker: Are you also a recruit?

Adam: A recruit? No, not at all. I dabble, I recreate. I have my own silly little hobbies.

Mrs. Walker: Oh, what sort of silly little hobbies?

 
Racquetball, like all classy gents.
 
Mrs. Walker: Oh. Racquetball? How nice.

Philip: Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Walker, but I was going to show Adam where he'll be seated tonight.

Mr. Walker: Phil. Relax son. Your friend is the most interesting person we've talked to in a long time. We always go to these political fundraisers and no offense to Donald, but the crowd is always so dull. So very dull.

Mrs. Walker: Your friend is a breath of fresh air.

Mr. Walker: Phil, your buddy seems like he's got a personality. Insight. A unique view on things. Isn't that right, Sandler?

 
Narrator: Mr. Walker slaps you on the back.

Mr. Walker: I LIKE THIS GUY!

Mrs. Walker: I have an idea. Let's introduce you boys to Violet. (She waives over to a young woman looking disdainfully at a tray of hors d'oueurves.)



Violet: I told him to give up on the fifth try. You know, waiting over three minutes just makes you not want something any more.

Mr. Walker: Never mind that, Violet. I'd like to introduce you to Phil Healy and and Adam Sandler, the Fourth. These are the types of young men we want you to be meeting.

Narrator: Violet glares at Phil.

Violet: I hear you're some kind of soldier. So why aren't you wearing your uniform? Those things are hot.

Phil: Marine and we're not allowed to wear them at political functions.

Violet: So how many people have you killed?

Phil: I just got out of boot camp. You know, service members love hearing that question.

Violet: You're nice.

Phil: Hardly.

Violet: (She glances at you.) You're wearing a top hat.

Adam: Why yes, yes I am.

Violet: Can I have it?

Adam: You know, Violet, 'every new possession loads us with new weariness.'

Mr. Walker: Listen to this fellow! That's what I'm talking about.

Violet: Who is this clown? (You hear someone panting behind you.)

Penny: Dirk, I'm so sorry that took me forever. This spoiled bitch at the bar was taking forever to order a Mojito... (She looks around and see the Walkers staring at her.) Oh, hi.

Phil: Ok, everyone, looks like dinner is about to be served. Mr. and Mrs. Walker, Violet, let me show you to your table. (They leave.)



Penny: I'd like to roll her eyes straight out of her head with a spoon. Well, I'll have the last laugh when I release BroFinder. Anyway, how are you feeling, Dirk?

Dirk: This hat feelings like its coming to life and squeezing my brains out.

Penny: Let's go get something to eat, that'll make you feel better. That's funny, for some reason, we're sitting behind the potted plants and the velvet ropes.

Aide: Hi, I'm Patrick. We met earlier.

Adam: I remember. You tried to check my hat.

Aide: Yes, and I'm sorry. Just wanted to let you know, the Walkers love you. You did a good job relaxing and putting them in high spirits. They can be extremely generous donors. We're quite appreciative. (He leaves.)

Penny: Huh? Maybe I should've let you talk to the 'Shhh' app lady.

Narrator: Dinner was delicious. Unfortunately, you feel like throwing it all up due to the weird pills you took. You notice yourself nodding off as Phil's father makes his speech. When you wake-up, Phil is glaring at you. That could've gone better. You doubt you'll be hearing from Phil again; he sure seemed pissed. You turn in early and pass out for nine hours. At some point, you dream you are running through a meadow, pregnant with twin colts.

Saturday...

Ian: Raise and shine!

Adam: Didn't I tell you to knock, Ian? And seriously, two Saturday mornings in a row?

Ian: Come on, Adam, no slacking off! You're just getting started. Grab your stuff and get a move on soldier.

Adam: Hold on a sec. You're not even coming with me?

Ian: Nah, I'm just trying to help you out here. I gotta work this morning.

Adam: Why? That's not your usual shift.

Ian: Yeah, well, the manager accused me of flirting with a customer. Who happens to be his 15-year-old daughter. Belly tats sure add a couple of years. Now I gotta work Saturday mornings for God knows how long. I think I'm being framed her. Regardless, I'm committed to making sure you hit the gym.

 
Do you even lift? Gotta go to the gym brosephskisonthing.
 
Narrator: You grab your things and walk over to the gym alone. Heading over to the gym, you can't help thinking about your conversation with Ian. He's never been this concerned about your love life. Why now?

 
Yaoi Huntress Earth said:
Narrator: You grab your things and walk over to the gym alone. Heading over to the gym, you can't help thinking about your conversation with Ian. He's never been this concerned about your love life. Why now?

Click to expand...
That was awfully short between that last choice and the next choice. Let's continue with our racquetball obsession
 
Narrator: Rounding the corner, you come across a vaguely familiar face.



Girl: -return to the lab in the afternoon? No, I guess that's no problem. It's just that-how can I be at two places at once. W-w-what do you mean I should research cloning techniques? I don't understand. You know I'm specializing in cellular metabolism, not genetic engineering! What do you mean calm down? It was only a joke. No, I didn't mean to yell. Y-you can depend on me, sir. I'll do as-...Nothing sir, I'll email you the, uh, data.

Narrator: She quickly shoves the phone into her bag and hurries away. Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you.

Alex: So, you up for a game, Adam?

Narrator: Alex stands there, regarding you with a competitive glare in his eyes. His skin glistens with sweat. His face looks flushed from exertion. He's breathing hard. You try not to audibly gulp.

Alex: I just finished a set with a friend, but he had to take off. I feel like I've just warmed up, how about it?

Narrator: You can practically hear the testosterone coursing through his veins.

 
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