Embarrassing but I almost lost myself.
I’m a “twice exceptional” lesbian woman (it’s an education term- used to describe intelligence combined with autism/ADHD or similar). Likely autism, though I want to be a government spook so I am not diagnosed as you can’t get a clearance if you’re autistic. I have a specific very deep and niche interest and ability to sort of…fall? into it that would be a great asset for government intelligence. Literally the thing I like to pursue is the same shit they have people squinting at satellite photos for in Langley. I have read every single English language source on this intelligence topic.
Anyway, I think autism + internalized homophobia made me think I might be better off as a dude or nonbinary. For about two years, I was obnoxious and insisted on they/them and thought about chopping the tits. I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin anyway, and got bullied and left out a lot. I wanted to be happy. I was in my 20s and my spouse was having major medical and mental health problems. Including being totally off her feet for months, so I was trying to work and also be the house bitch. There was no village or help. She didn’t sleep with me and barely gave me affection for 18 months. There were money issues. I was crying every day and completely exhausted. We almost split.
I wanted to be happier. I wanted help in our life. I needed a change. And I heard of stories of trans people who were happier, were supported in their lives, were told they were brave. I guess I wanted love and positivity, really, because I definitely wasn’t getting it. So I thought, maybe I was uncomfortable in myself because I was trans? I could make changes and fix everything.
Then I attended a foreign language course that had a lot of older liberals there. Sort of a vacation, you stay onsite for learning. They tried to refer to me correctly, but that’s difficult to do in that language, and it’s one of those languages where every damn object has a gender. So I said fine, it’s all arbitrary, I don’t GAF what pronouns in that language if a door is female and a table is male.
And I met an ex-military lady in her 70s. So butch I thought she was lesbian, but actually married with kids. I said wow, your military accomplishments are really something, especially as a woman- do you feel like one? Cringe!
She says, well, I don’t think it’s a feeling, if you don’t think you’re a woman, then by my career and appearance and interests I’m not one either, haha.
That stuck with me and led me to confront my own misogyny and homophobia. I later got therapy for something that I really think was a major part of the root problem.
…I was sexually assaulted as a tween by another girl, and it was pretty bad and forceful, but also the first time I experienced that sort of sexual feeling. She told me not to tell or everyone would think I was gay. And I blamed myself too, because I did have an idea that I liked girls, which is why I went off alone with her, thinking she was cute.
Exploring my own problems and figuring things out really gives me sympathy for FTMs. I’m kind and will call people what they want to be called, but if my experience is a guide, a lot of them are traumatized and need real therapy, not surgery. I started by reading medical reports and whistleblowers on trans issues from that perspective, because I wanted to know what to expect medically. Now? Guess I’m a TERF.
