Love-shy-esque in need of help

[teheviltwin]

Basically, I just feel like most people look forward to sex, just want it because it feels good on your body. Not for the emotional ties and symbolism it entails. I doubt that really helps you to understand, though...

I'll just go stand in the corner now.

No, no... I understand. You were just skirting around it a bit before.

I think that it is a little presumptuous to assume that you can tell most people's motivations based on a complete lack of personal experience and popular culture. The fact is that sex does feel amazing when done right but that isn't always the case. People also have the crazy hormonal drive to procreate which, particularly when you're young, can make you focus slightly more on the physical aspect of relationships. But the fact that it feels amazing and gives me a brain chemical high does not devalue the intimacy or deep affection involved. I only want to share that with my bf and being in love makes it feel more amazing.

To fully enjoy something that requires you to be that vulnerable around another person you have to feel relaxed. You can't relax if you're constantly afraid of being too dirty/slutty etc. Women already have tons of shame associated with their sexuality so it's seriously going to put women on edge. Does it affect how you interact with women? The jokes you find funny or will make?

I think what Pepsi means (if I may jump in unannounced) is that the act of the hook-up isn't his cup of tea, but rather he wants a relationship that builds up into the sexual part of it so it's meaningful to both partners?

I can see that now, but using phrases like "in fact, the thought of intercourse repulses me" isn't exactly normal for someone after that. Have you read back the different ways he's described it?

 

[Lady Houligan]

I can see that now, but using phrases like "in fact, the thought of intercourse repulses me" isn't exactly normal for someone after that. Have you read back the different ways he's described it?

Maybe not, but I can sort of understand where he's coming from? I was legitimately terrified of the idea of sex (even after having experienced it because my ex was absolute SHIT in the sack). I'm not sure if, for me, it was the sort of finality that a lot of teenagers are taught about sexual relationships (i.e., the whole "YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED SO IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU HAD BETTER MARRY THEM" sex-ed discussion that my school district was fond of) or if I was afraid of it being so literally intrusive.

 

[Have a Pepsi]

To fully enjoy something that requires you to be that vulnerable around another person you have to feel relaxed. You can't relax if you're constantly afraid of being too dirty/slutty etc. Women already have tons of shame associated with their sexuality so it's seriously going to put women on edge. Does it affect how you interact with women? The jokes you find funny or will make?

Can you be a little more specific? I want to make sure what I'm saying "yes" or "no" to.

I can see that now, but using phrases like "in fact, the thought of intercourse repulses me" isn't exactly normal for someone after that. Have you read back the different ways he's described it?

That's only because I've never had to actually explain it to anyone. I don't know about you, but I don't talk with my friends about my sex life, so, that's a concept I've kept in my head my whole life. I've never had to put it into words before, so, I ended up misspeaking until I could figure out what I really meant. :/

 

[teheviltwin]

Maybe not, but I can sort of understand where he's coming from? I was legitimately terrified of the idea of sex (even after having experienced it because my ex was absolute SHIT in the sack). I'm not sure if, for me, it was the sort of finality that a lot of teenagers are taught about sexual relationships (i.e., the whole "YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED SO IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU HAD BETTER MARRY THEM" sex-ed discussion that my school district was fond of) or if I was afraid of it being so literally intrusive.

I know that in the US it's a lot more of a big deal than it is here. You have crazy people and their purity rings and abstinence only edumacation. My first time was similar although we didn't wait quite as long (1 year) but I was 17 and the legal age in the UK is 16. I was anxious for a million different reasons like "what if it hurts too much", "what if there's something weird with my body I don't even know about", "what if he breaks up with me straight after" or "what if I do something wrong and he hates me". And it was awful and he was a dick about it afterwards. I get the whole anxiety thing. I've mentioned it before that my partner has chronic social anxiety to the point where he dry heaves when extremely nervous. He also had one particular that told him that getting head from a woman was always misogynistic and a number of other ridiculous things.

Can you be a little more specific? I want to make sure what I'm saying "yes" or "no" to.

How receptive are you to "that's what she said" or "as the actress said to the bishop"? Does coarse language put you on edge around women?

That's only because I've never had to actually explain it to anyone. I don't know about you, but I don't talk with my friends about my sex life, so, that's a concept I've kept in my head my whole life. I've never had to put it into words before, so, I ended up misspeaking until I could figure out what I really meant. :/

Sorry if I come across as overly blunt it's because I'm from Northern England and I've had a couple of drinks. It's not an issue I was just explaining why I kept clarifying.

 

[Have a Pepsi]

How receptive are you to "that's what she said" or "as the actress said to the bishop"? Does coarse language put you on edge around women? QUOTE]
Hehe, I've never heard that second one before! But to the first one, I'm usually cool with it, as long as it's actually clever/funny. However, I've never been told dirty jokes while being around women, so, I don't really know.

 

[teheviltwin]

Hehe, I've never heard that second one before! But to the first one, I'm usually cool with it, as long as it's actually clever/funny. However, I've never been told dirty jokes while being around women, so, I don't really know.

It's the far superior and older British version.

 

[Chikinballs]

I know that in the US it's a lot more of a big deal than it is here. You have crazy people and their purity rings and abstinence only edumacation. My first time was similar although we didn't wait quite as long (1 year) but I was 17 and the legal age in the UK is 16. I was anxious for a million different reasons like "what if it hurts too much", "what if there's something weird with my body I don't even know about", "what if he breaks up with me straight after" or "what if I do something wrong and he hates me". And it was awful and he was a dick about it afterwards. I get the whole anxiety thing. I've mentioned it before that my partner has chronic social anxiety to the point where he dry heaves when extremely nervous. He also had one particular that told him that getting head from a woman was always misogynistic and a number of other ridiculous things.

No, man. Thats what you see on tv. Americans are hedonists anymore, really.

 

[teheviltwin]

No, man. Thats what you see on tv. Americans are hedonists anymore, really.

I imagine it depends on the state.

 

[Chikinballs]

I imagine it depends on the state.

Yeah, but i promise...those virginity rings and bible thumpers are in the deep minority, especially behind closed doors.

 

[teheviltwin]

Yeah, but i promise...those virginity rings and bible thumpers are in the deep minority, especially behind closed doors.

Well yes, the more repressed the peeps are the more crazy they are when no-one is looking. See Victorian pornography... Although, what always gets me is how long they had to hold those poses for the camera... o.O But they're still bloody good at terrifying the shit out of their kids.

 

[Silver]

Abstinence only education fails and results in much higher rates of teen pregnancy and STDs and shit like that because it doesn't teach proper sex acts: only "don't do it". There are some kids who are serious about it but I think those are also the ones that grow up in extremely sheltered, religious households so it's not like abstinence only education helps them anyway.
My roommate this year actually did have a purity ring (growing up in a crazy religious household... and we live in the South) but kind of gave up once she got a serious boyfriend a few months into the fall semester.

 

[Marvin]

*Really this is probably due to the differing causes of arousal in men vs. women. Plenty of times a guy I hear talking about how his wife won't have sex with him anymore, later it comes out either she had someone else on the side or there was a serious relationship problem they weren't communicating about. Lots of different causes, beyond the scope of this discussion.

Really great talk. Explains exactly how I feel that my brain operates, when sex comes up, as a man. I bought the book too. Great stuff.

But yeah, nah, the US is a large, diverse country. There are tons of crazies, just number-wise, but compared to the population at large? Not really a big thing. Really, I'd just suggest people live in nice states. And hell, even when you are in a shittier state, at least they still have cities. Like Georgia, for example, might be shitty, (I'm just picking a southern state, maybe Georgia isn't that bad, I don't know either way.) but Atlanta is still supposed to be a pretty cool city.

Heh, you can find serious nutjobs in the US, but you gotta track them down. Gotta drive out to the sticks, fly a rainbow flag, and they'll come out of the woodwork.

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Why in the world do some people cry after sex, anyway? Not even I can understand that. :/

Well, in the case of all my partners at least, it's probably because they know they'll never experience a greater joy again in their lives.

 

[Doctor Duke]

Oh, man but this hit home for me as well.

Man, when I was your age, all I wanted was companionship the way you're describing it. I didn't care much for the idea of sex for my own reasons at the time, and I was perpetually frustrated because while I was generally regarded as a funny, kind person, I was, to be blunt, a fat greaseball who had no idea how to take care of himself. TL;DR I know where you're coming from.