Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Stafford Beer Bong]

Wonder what 50yo Lucas will say about current year Lucas, should he get that far.

In this same vein, I was just thinking what will Lucas do when his “telomeres“ are no longer in the 35-45 age range he has been preaching about?

What happens when Lucas is past his telomere prime? How does he reframe his ploy for Zoomer poonaner when he turns 46? What new research will he seize upon to justify the even larger age gap in the pursuit of his teen prize?

 

[ThomasAudley]

In this same vein, I was just thinking what will Lucas do when his “telomeres“ are no longer in the 35-45 age range he has been preaching about?

What happens when Lucas is past his telomere prime? How does he reframe his ploy for Zoomer poonaner when he turns 46? What new research will he seize upon to justify the even larger age gap in the pursuit of his teen prize?

“Fuck it, you didn’t care about the science before so now I don’t either, YEET ME TEENAGE PUSSY NOW!!!!”

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

This is hilarious because you know he changed his shirt today after reading here. Oddly though he won’t take a pic of his pants. He doesn’t have any other pants, that is why. And HOC most likely does not have anything of his size in their resource room because....well he is obese.

Wait, he really only has one pair of pants? That's horrifying. I was about to say that's sad, but no, more than anything else, it's horrifying.

Jesus, they must be standing up on their own. I think he had some out-of-date cargo pocket khaki shorts at some point, right, or am I imagining things?

@wenttobermuda said that people had reported his odor as being of urine and onions? Like a big, rancid burrito that someone peed on. How appropriate.

Edit: BTW @Nobleman , ur content's been some of the best. Love those "backchannel" peeks into the world that deals with Lucas day-to-day. Great work all around!

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

Rate me dumb if I've missed this somewhere but have any of the people at HoC actually seen any of Lucas' rant videos? It's hard to imagine they'd be comfortable with him being under their roof, if they had.

 

[another idiot]

In this same vein, I was just thinking what will Lucas do when his “telomeres“ are no longer in the 35-45 age range he has been preaching about?

What happens when Lucas is past his telomere prime? How does he reframe his ploy for Zoomer poonaner when he turns 46? What new research will he seize upon to justify the even larger age gap in the pursuit of his teen prize?

He will simply change his "research" to fit his own age and say that he was wrong before. Just like with millennials who were originally supposed to be the perfect mate for him and he had tons of "scientific proof" for it, but after they aged out of his preferred range he just said that it was wrong.

 

[Fatal Walter]

Of course, the range he's been saying is 35-55 (or sometimes 40-55) so it's going to be a long time before he has to modify his science. Hell, that's about halfway between now and when he estimated he'd get his inheritance. Imagine wanting to have multiple kids with some angry, disheveled bum in the hopes he gets some land in Grays Harbor 30 years later. Makes a lot of sense.

 

[WonderWino]

Well, he ended up back at the HOC and right off the bat sneaked his phone to use during the night. By HOC rules he is supposed to leave his phone in the locker for the night.

ETA:
Yea, I'm sure the dude he knows is so desperate for pizza, he's going to give Lucas a girl in exchange for a pizza.

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That he legitimately thinks someone is going to trade him a woman for pizza shows just how low his intelligence truly is

I think the Wern, being the professional moocher that he is, will always be able to guilt his way out of trouble with these establishments.

I could just be a jaded Wernologist, but honestly I highly doubt there’ll be some fantastic climax to this story.

He's been banned from the HOC before for his behavior, and several other shelters for that matter and that behavior has a tendency to escalate. He'll get caught doing something he shouldn't or go off at someone eventually. Being a moocher doesn't get him out of that. Shelters have alot of shit to deal with from alot of different people. They will only tolerate a person causing trouble for so long

In this same vein, I was just thinking what will Lucas do when his “telomeres“ are no longer in the 35-45 age range he has been preaching about?

What happens when Lucas is past his telomere prime? How does he reframe his ploy for Zoomer poonaner when he turns 46? What new research will he seize upon to justify the even larger age gap in the pursuit of his teen prize?

Its 35 - 55 in his delusions. That said assuming he even lives that long, and I have my doubts that will happen, he will just latch onto a different reason to justify going after little girls. Thats all it is after all, he doesn't give a shit about science, he just wants a reason to legitimize creeping on little girls so people won't call him a pedo...which doesn't even work in the first place

 

[Stafford Beer Bong]

Of course, the range he's been saying is 35-55 (or sometimes 40-55) so it's going to be a long time before he has to modify his science. Hell, that's about halfway between now and when he estimated he'd get his inheritance. Imagine wanting to have multiple kids with some angry, disheveled bum in the hopes he gets some land in Grays Harbor 30 years later. Makes a lot of sense.

I couldn’t remember off hand if it was 45 or 55. But that actually coincides more with the age he said he would off himself if he doesn’t get his prize so that makes sense.

 

[Wernology]

Ok, lil buddy. You want a juice box and a nap?

 

[Quiet Dignity]

He will simply change his "research" to fit his own age and say that he was wrong before. Just like with millennials who were originally supposed to be the perfect mate for him and he had tons of "scientific proof" for it, but after they aged out of his preferred range he just said that it was wrong.

Speaking of which should the thread title be updated now? It's been a good while since Lucas mentioned millennials with anything other than scorn.

 

[WonderWino]

Ok, lil buddy. You want a juice box and a nap?

Interesting that lucas wears the earphones even when hes just doing things like taking pictures of himself. Yeah totally not schitzo and trying to block out the voices in his head....that he accidentally admitted to at times

 

[Amewsed]

He got a new shirt. It's an XL haters!

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Is that a gen xl t-shirt? It comes with special lucas mrsa rot stains.

 

[AbraCadaver]

I vote 'the green goblin' or 'irish wern'

I prefer The Ninja Wertle. Ref back to his other green tmnt shirt.

for his off-the-shoulder beach look, Miami Lice.

 

[BowlOfDick]

Sometimes I sit and wonder what became of the Batman pantaloonies

 

[LeeLoo]

I prefer The Ninja Wertle. Ref back to his other green tmnt shirt.

for his off-the-shoulder beach look, Miami Lice.

Ninja Wertle is up there with MRSA Teresa as my all time fave Wern names.

 

[PhantomDiploma]

I dunno, Lucas. Didn't you date and even live with a considerably older woman? Why don't you tell us what drew you to her? For that matter, how did you measure her telomeres to make sure she was the one?

 

[moseph.jartelli]

Ninja Wertle is up there with MRSA Teresa as my all time fave Wern names.

"GenXPedoHomelessWertle. Hobo in a shelter! Never Showers!

 

[AbraCadaver]

"GenXPedoHomelessWertle. Hobo in a shelter! Never Showers!

Welp i died laughing, thanks fam

Ngl i kind of want to draw this

but it would be a major disservice to the tmnt. I’d never do my boi Raph like that.

 

[Patchwork Ragdoll]

Lucas last posted around 9am his time, nothing after. Wonder if he got in trouble with probation today? A hot UA maybe? Guess we'll see tomorrow.

 

[Krathnami]

Lucas last posted around 9am his time, nothing after. Wonder if he got in trouble with probation today? A hot UA maybe? Guess we'll see tomorrow.

I would have rated this ‘optimistic’ but any silence of more than a couple hours (excluding hours when he’s sleeping) from Lucas is conspicuous. Today was Tuesday, after all.