Lucas participated in the "It Gets Better" project in 2010. He composed a very long "Personal Reflection" that while totally unsuitable for the project, is probably our best resource for understanding how Lucas sees himself and his life. It may be found in its entirety on page 39 of this thread.
Lucas's infamous preoccupation with girls has deep roots. Most of Lucas's story revolves around his quest for female attention. He declares early on that
"my focus has as always been the same since I was little, getting interesting smart pretty girls to notice me. I just don't think interesting smart pretty girls like me very much. The only interesting smart pretty woman to ever notice me was my mom."
Please pause a moment to savor the Oedipal vibe. He continues:
"[
T]his has always made me think, no other interesting smart pretty girls will ever like me because they would remind me of my mom and it would make me feel dumb. I'd be lucky to meet a woman like my mom, but I would still feel dumb. I wouldn't even begin to know what to say. I've never been with an interesting smart pretty girl. Or had one be interested in talking to me..."
Lucas traces his love quest back as far as he can remember. We can take him at his word. His love quest is also intimately connected to his mommy. She is the archetype of the "interesting smart pretty girl."
Thanks to his mother's own attention whoring, we have an anecdote of his love quest from grade school, and evidence that he has always been socially inept.
According to his mother,
"Lucas was an extremely shy little boy and did not make friends in school easily." She admits that at
"his first conference [his teacher] said Lucas was in no way Mr. Popular and the other kids didn't really like him." Then she describes a scenario that must have been formative for Lucas:
"When he was in 4th grade he LOVED a little girl to the moon and back. He was going to marry her and live happily ever after. This same little girl had a birthday party and handed out invitations for her birthday party to EVERYONE IN THE CLASS EXCEPT LUCAS. I was equally livid and heartbroken for my beautiful son...I can not tell you the hurt Lucas felt, along with the embarressment. Taking him for an ice cream cone and a trip to the park didn't even help."
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Rejected by a "smart pretty interesting girl." This frustrated desire and heart break will play out again and again in Lucas's life. Significantly, his mother responded by feeding him ice cream, establishing a pattern of using food to deal with difficult emotions that would eventually plump Lucas up to over 400 lbs. He elsewhere suggests that when his relationship with his mother would grow tense or uncomfortable, they would shift their focus to food. I'd like to think that very early on, Lucas began to conflate his love quest, with food, and his mother's attention.
Lucas's teens must have been especially difficult for him. From his point of view, it must have seemed that all of the "smart pretty interesting girls" were off fucking other guys. He may have watched his classmates begin to date, experiment with sex and relationships, and enjoy sexual attention. He was excluded. But Lucas developed other strategies for masking his pain during this period. "
When I figured I might meet a girl in college and finally be happy, I stopped worrying about girls so much and masked my pain by smoking pot instead." What we have is a picture of an unhappy man who uses substances, and eats, because his chief desire in life is hopeless. He wants the attention of the "smart pretty interesting girl." He's never received it, and in its absence, he gorges on food and drugs. I think it's significant that Lucas believes he missed out on being sexually active as a teenager, and is still pursuing it decades later. His current obsession with 16 year old girls is a left over from his ruinous high school years.
Lucas's mother took care of him for most of his adult life. The sad, fat little boy kept getting ice creams from mommy. After failing to graduate from high school, and briefly working in fast food and living with room mates, he returned home. A dark period followed, where he cycled in and out of psychiatric wards and assisted living facilities. During this period, he apparently received substantial aid from his mother. He admits that "
My mom has really looked after me since I was diagnosed with bipolar. She likes to set me up and make sure I'm comfortable where ever I'm living. It has been this way since I was first doped with anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs." At some point, Lucas's mother essentially cut him off. I do not have a command of the details, but it is safe to say he went from enjoying (and exploiting) significant support to being essentially on his own. I'd like to think he finally exhausted his mother, or was so devoted to his love quest nobody could stand to support him any further.
Enter his girl friend, Suzanne. An obvious mother figure, notoriously 18 years his senior, Suzanne filled the role his mother once had. She provided him with food, a place to stay and attention. She also provided something that his mother didn't, and that no woman will probably provide him ever again: booty. Lucas lost his virginity at 27. But, once again, Lucas was essentially someone else's ward. That he was his girl friend's problem instead of his mother's may represent something of an improvement. And Lucas clearly wasn't satisfied with the relationship, as demonstrated by its spectacular ending.
You know the story: Lucas wanted a young, fertile girl. The kind of "smart pretty interesting girl" that never noticed him in high school. Instead, he had an older woman with a hysterectomy. Then Lucas saw a girl who fit the bill at a restaurant while Suzanne was presumably feeding him. Lucas lost his shit and threw a glass out of frustration with his lot in life. Shortly thereafter, he'd be single and on the streets. While much more probably went in to the break up, and Lucas's subsequent break down, Lucas seems to have realized that a substitute mother figure couldn't satisfy his desire for the attention of a "smart pretty interesting girl."
With no mother, or mother figure to care for him, Lucas turned to the state. He also fully embraced his love quest, and emerged as the pervert we all know and mock. But it's noteworthy that Lucas's dream girl, the "smart pretty interesting girl" is still essentially a mother figure. She is to provide for him. She will work. She will have shit and take care of him. His role will be to provide her with his jizz, and perhaps keep house. But ultimately, he still wants a woman to care for him. He just wants her to be 16-24 now.
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