"Mad at the Internet" - a/k/a My Psychotherapy Sessions

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Assuming it's his emergency, I'm guessing appendicitis, cancer, or something cardiac related. Get well soon regardless.
Edit: Lodged "foreign object" is never out of the question.
Josh: fucking airport lost my cheesewheel
Doctor: well we found your missing cheese you fucking ate it you fat fuck.
 
Leaning towards secret pregnant wife now. If baby is leaning on the placenta at a late stage ultrasound, you get the good news that today you are having a baby (induced or extracted depending)
He's been in America for to 2 weeks and he just magically has a kid? Holy fuck, die nigga.
 
get well soon; hope your disaster is mild
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