Metal Elitists

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Alright, here's a good one.

A couple years ago one of my friends was in town with her boyfriend. They traveled all the way up from Texas to see this black metal band called Inquisition. They're from Colombia by way of Seattle, sing about the brutal coldness of space, and their lead singer sounds like Popeye. Good shit. Ali's never up in New York and I had an interview with the frontman of the band, so I was pretty hyped. Then her boyfriend and I had a pretty interesting conversation over drinks before my interview.

"But what the fuck gives you the right to interview Inquisition?" he asked.

"Uh, I emailed a request to his PA agent and he said yes."

"Okay, but do you know the Brazilian label that released their original thrash metal demos in 1996?"

"No. Who the fuck cares?"

"Well, here you are going to interview Inquisition in a fucking Wolves in the Throne Room shirt like some kind of limp-dicked hipster faggot."

This is all typical metal elitist nonsense. I'm better than you because I know useless trivia facts about bands nobody else has heard of. I'm better than you because I hate that one band you like that got writeups in NPR and the New Yorker. It's a really petty pissing contest, and I'm always amazed when I find people outside of internet forums who actually think like this.

"They make good music," I replied back. "What's your problem?"

And then he dropped this bomb.

"I just hate them because they got my band kicked off a bill and banned from a venue out in Oregon because we're NS."

NS is shorthand for National Socialist. As in a fucking Nazi.

There's a disturbingly high population of Nazis in black metal. Well, any non-zero population of Nazis is a disturbingly high population of Nazis as far as I'm concerned, but there's an entire sub-scene of Nazi black metal. Like any musical movement that's a soapbox for a cause instead of being music for music's sake, it sucks.

So like the good little Jew that I am, when he offered to buy drinks, I ordered the most expensive single malt scotch in the venue. And when I bid him goodbye with a "Shalom aleichem" at the end of the night, he made a facial expression that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
 
I take zero shame in the fact that I can't distinguish most metal by genre. I can't tell you why "black metal" and "death metal" are different. To me, music is a personal experience. It's a subjective thing, and while there's certainly some music theory ideas about what makes something sound good or bad, I think we ultimately try to make it out to a be a more complex thing than it is. The "best metal" is the stuff that you personally like the most.
Personally, I like this kinda stuff:
Couldn't tell you why. No idea what genre it is. No clue who the band is beyond the name. But it sounds awesome, and shouldn't that be all we need to enjoy it? It's just music ffs, the good stuff is whatever you like.
Except pirate metal stuff like Alestorm. That shit is objectively awesome, and you're a bad person if you think otherwise.
 
This thread is already entertaining :D

It's odd yet funny how a type of music with so many different sub-genres attract all of these douches who think X, Y, and Z is TRUE AND HONEST metal.
 
If you don't listen to post-industrial blackened acid-house symphonic death core recorded through a cassette player you are not a true metal fan.

Yeah it's pretty weird how people get all "stop liking what I don't like" over music genres and personal taste.
 
HypeBeast said:
If you don't listen to post-industrial blackened acid-house symphonic death core recorded through a cassette player you are not a true metal fan.

Yeah it's pretty weird how people get all "stop liking what I don't like" over music genres and personal taste.
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post-industrial blackened acid-house symphonic deathcore?
poser.
 
Abethedemon said:
post-industrial blackened acid-house symphonic deathcore?
poser.
Click to expand...
I only listen to western Armenian symphonic blackened retrowave stoner-doom armadillocore recorded on an Edison cylinder at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Try me.
 
VLAD said:
I only listen to western Armenian symphonic blackened retrowave stoner-doom armadillocore recorded on an Edison cylinder at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Try me.
Click to expand...
Oh yeah? I listen to Brutal Tibetan raw oriental electronic folkist blackened powermetalviolence with harsh noise and free jazz influences recorded on the moon in stereotypical "Female Armor"
 
Have any of you guys heard of this band called Babymetal? I don't know, I just find it somewhat amusing how much ire can a bunch of Japanese girls trying to sing metal attracts.
 
Accel_Rider said:
Have any of you guys heard of this band called Babymetal? I don't know, I just find it somewhat amusing how much ire can a bunch of Japanese girls trying to sing metal attracts.
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I absolutely love how so many of the True Heavy Metal Old Guard acts like Babymetal is going to singlehandedly destroy the entire genre.

Well, if heavy fucking metal can actually be destroyed by a trio of sixteen year old Japanese girls, then maybe it deserves to be destroyed.
 
I like too many types of music to have any friends based solely on musical interests. It actually just gets beyond annoying when you like a long list of metal and rock bands, then have to listen to one of your friends never shut up about he doesn't understand why you also listen to hip hop, electronica, punk, ska, reggae, country and jazz. It's mostly the metal-only fags who will give me shit about how I also like hip hop, I've met more country fans who are accepting of rap music than metal fans.

I think that, truly, people who shelter themselves into one genre of music fandom are just really boring people with one-dimensional personalities. Music is, aside from the obvious extremely mainstream money grabs by record companies, an expression of the performer. They're either portraying their emotions or telling a story, often doing both, and I pretty much feel that if you have had a lot of experiences in your life, you should be able to connect to a lot of different artists and musical genres.

Frankly, if the only reason you listen to metal is for the sound of the guitars and the fact you think it is hardcore, you're kind of a faggot, because music is about way more than your identity. Metal is not for white angry kids anymore than hip hop is for black drug dealers or country is for alcoholic farmers.
 
This thread is TRUE KVLT

BTW anyone else think Varg Vikernes is kind of a lolcow?
 
Abethedemon said:
We all know about those Tr00 Metal Warriors who try to claim they listen to the truest, purest metal and get into shitfits about the most minor genre differences.
Needless to say, this is a thread about those people.
Metal-music-then-now_o_140871.jpg

http://www.last.fm/group/Fuck+False+Metal
https://youtube.com/watch?v=b0twCQz-VCwhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=t2CE3ghu2vg
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>Implying that Steven Tyler is manlier than Johan Hegg

Jace E. Denton said:
I like too many types of music to have any friends based solely on musical interests. It actually just gets beyond annoying when you like a long list of metal and rock bands, then have to listen to one of your friends never shut up about he doesn't understand why you also listen to hip hop, electronica, punk, ska, reggae, country and jazz. It's mostly the metal-only fags who will give me shit about how I also like hip hop, I've met more country fans who are accepting of rap music than metal fans.

I think that, truly, people who shelter themselves into one genre of music fandom are just really boring people with one-dimensional personalities. Music is, aside from the obvious extremely mainstream money grabs by record companies, an expression of the performer. They're either portraying their emotions or telling a story, often doing both, and I pretty much feel that if you have had a lot of experiences in your life, you should be able to connect to a lot of different artists and musical genres.

Frankly, if the only reason you listen to metal is for the sound of the guitars and the fact you think it is hardcore, you're kind of a faggot, because music is about way more than your identity. Metal is not for white angry kids anymore than hip hop is for black drug dealers or country is for alcoholic farmers.
Click to expand...

You know whats funny? I could not tell you why I love metal. I just do.
 
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