I'm not really joking. This piece of shit idiot was downed FOUR TIMES in the first two areas, and another time after that just for good measure. I swear I'm not a terrible player, the guy just had terrible constitution and even worse luck. She was targeted by almost every enemy she met, for whatever reason, and (in order):
- broke her paw (from a bomb, somehow)
- got poisoned (twice)
- broke her rib
- got cursed
(She would have also been downed a sixth time, during the final boss, had she not equipped a Grey Pinky beforehand.)

She's the world's biggest cripple, AND
YET, she's the one who ended up destroying the final boss. Her passives are excellent: guaranteed immobilization and weakness on crits paired with guaranteed crits if you hit
anything from behind. Pair that with a weak Active ability that inflicts lots of bleed if it crits (and, later,
an omnibuff per crit), as well as the best speed out of the entire party, and it's no surprise that-- despite being a retarded piece of shit that somehow choked on farts
twice-- the poojeet still managed to prove herself and absolutely skewer that motherfucking spider.
(Skewer is maybe stretching it a bit, since she really just landed the last hit and stacked fucktons of bleed (boss was on like 20-something bleed by the time it ate India's knife), but she did very well despite her cursed name and existence.)
India took some time to prove herself, though. She only started getting really useful like halfway through the first area. You know who
wasn't a waste of space at any point in time?
My first Necromancer, Rosco!
It's a little hard to see here since he's all black and wearing a spring, but the guy has literal devil horns. There was no way he had a chance at any other class. (That's him on the right. Don't ask why every single member has the same fur, because I don't know how it happened. None of them are inbred. Rosco was a stray.)
Behold: a time in which India was arguably not a retarded cripple. Horrifying.
Anyways, Rosco was the absolute star of the show. I'm not sure he ended a single battle without a full health bar. Almost immediately after the game began, I got an accessory that let any cat's basic attack spawn mana leeches. Guess whose entire thing was spawning leeches?
Rosco was a complete fucking monster. I'm convinced he could have singlehandedly carried the run, had things gone so wrong that he was left alone. His original passive is terrible, and never came into play, but his second is incredible. Two buddy-buddy leeches to play around with, both of which transferred
all of their health leeching to him. Given that Rosco was already stealing substantial amounts of health (and mana) from literally everyone he fought, most of my party's enemies were lucky to have him
end a turn without full health. Especially after I found him his scrubs.
The guy was already born pretty decent-- I think he had 7 Constitution and 6 everything-else (except strength, that was 4) before we set out-- but got pretty lucky with events and only got better. His first active ability debuffed plenty (due to his enormous health bar) and had its side effects quickly negated (because Rosco healed that entire thing within the span of like 2 turns if not stopped), while all his other abilities either spawned more familiars to use (both against opponents and as health reserves if things got really dire) or debuffed the shit out of enemies to the point where bosses were doing 1-3 damage if Rosco was in range
and hadn't wasted all his mana on blood vomit.
The (very) few times Rosco was in genuine trouble, he deferred to...
...Allistair, the least Cleric-y Cleric ever.
Disaster struck immediately after this screenshot, hence the earlier picture, but we'll get to that in a moment.
He inherited that trapping ability from one of the best Rangers I've ever used (tough competition btw, I love that class), and he sure as hell lived up to the bloodline. This guy was a pretty decent healer-- he had good speed, even with an item that gave him a -4 so long as it was equipped, so even with only one healing ability he had good-enough range that he could reach whomever he wanted before other enemies got to the person and tried to kill them.
That was just in the beginning, too. As time went on, Allistair only got
significantly better. He gained the ability to set people on fire, a ranged heal that also did damage, and his absolute most-important feature:
unlimited range on his traps two Alpha-related abilities
. The man could designate one special cat as an alpha and, thanks to his pretty great Mana (total and regeneration), he could then give both him and that cat up to 3 bonus attacks in a turn. Later on, he also gained the ability to give that cat bonus
moves for even cheaper, which was
also shared with Allistair himself, meaning that my cleric could move somewhere, heal a cat, give the alpha a bonus move, use his
own bonus move to get in range of another cat that needed healing, and
spam that ranged healing until the bar was full.
Needless to say, this made him the lynchpin of the team and essentially the de-facto commander of these ragtag weirdos. He was so good, in fact, that even after being
infested by parasites and permanently cursed to lose half his item slots... he still hard-carried. He went
berserk, literally lost his mind, and couldn't land a kill without entering mania... but those downsides were
minuscule compared to how helpful he was. Especially to one specific cat.
To Allistair's right is the final member of this team: a total coin flip, whom I was only bringing along because I'd only used a Fighter twice before, meant to be little more than an experiment. She came from the world's horniest mage, found herself with gifted healing abilities... and chose to become a close-combat fighter with endless sticks. Her name is Della, and she defeated the Big Slime in three turns.
Della wasn't really meant for anything except experimentation. I wanted her to have a lot of speed, mainly due to that Lick ability, but she drew the short end of the stick and ended up getting Turtle Mode (which reduces speed to buff health) instead. Plans had to change, so I decided that I'd start speccing her into whatever her first new ability ended up being.
That ability ended up being
Assert Dominance. Assert Dominance makes you the Alpha if you manage to kill
anything (with a 3-damage attack; not an easy feat outside of the Alley). That, in and of itself, does nothing. Once you're Alpha, though, the ability gains 5 damage and applies Bruise (which worsens any kind of physical damage) whenever you use it. When paired with Allistair's Alpha-designating abilities, it meant that I had a fighter who could apply Bruise with an 8-damage attack on her first turn... and
then use her high-damaging basic attack.
From there, Della just snowballed into a ridiculously good fighter. She got gear that gave her Backflips for all her unused Bonus Attacks (which she had
loads of thanks to Allistair), gave her Thorns to punish anyone who actually managed to hit her, let her sticks stay around for longer, and strengthened any Fragile pickups she got her hands on. Her passives helped her tank-- Turtle Mode added to her constitution and started her out with shield (which refreshed whenever she was overhealed), while Relentless (I think that's what it was called?)
healed her for every kill she made. She even learned a positioning ability that let her apply Bruise in an area, which made Assert Dominance
even more powerful. When all this was combined with Allistair giving her +3 bonus moves and attacks on the regular, it led to... well, Big Slime dying in three fucking turns. 80% of the damage caused to that thing had to do with Della, and the remaining 20% was split between India, Rosco, and all the pets they'd accrued.
Oh yeah, did I mention that this run was the one in which I got the Enemy Converter (forgot its name)? And it just so happened to come about while I had a Polymorph Remote on my hands. I got myself a Shark Cat, a Spider Kitten, a Leech, a Boomer-- lots of cool stuff
that only the Spider Kitten survived most of. If I didn't like the selection of enemies in a battle, I'd just Polymorph one into something else. If I managed to keep that thing alive, assuming it didn't suck, I had a new ally on my hands. The Polymorpher was on Allistair, so there was no chance it'd be lost, and the Enemy Converter was on Rosco because he just happened to have the slot open. So I basically had my Cleric restraining enemies for the Necromancer to convert. Something something lol religion.
All those temporary allies, alongside the aforementioned four cats, combined together to make...

A really shitty team name, but one that rang pretty true for what these guys did. Perfect sweeps of battles in which they stole a lot of stuff. (Mostly health and mana.)
They didn't have a very easy run, either, despite what this entire post might imply. One lethal misclick in the Alley boss fight led to a series of various misfortunes that ended up with, among other things, India getting injured
five times and various other bouts of extremely bad luck (see: Allistair going mad and getting parasites, most of the temporary allies either acting stupid enough to be useless or dying very quickly, etc.). Had a weaker team gone through this gauntlet, I probably would have croaked in the sewers. But, because The Purrfect Stealers were the ones to do this, I finished Act I's final boss with a full-health party and truly stellar roster.
I really, really, really love these guys. It's a shame I can only use them once
, at least until Guillotina comes along in three days to wreck house, but I get why McMillen chose to go the route of disposable felines. It makes the game pace much snappier and keeps similar areas feeling refreshed. I do wish there was some kind of "hall of fame" for your absolute favorites, though. Just a menu or separate screen where you could preserve their post-run kits forever, alongside a small portrait and a hand-written biography. If it exists, I have yet to unlock it, so the Purrfect Stealers will live on in screenshots
and children only. If it's an unlockable: fuck you, McMillen, why would you do that to me? I'm a sentimental bastard. Let me look back on my team history and shed a tear or two, damn it! Don't make me beat a bunch of runs to get that!
Anyways, I'm loving the game. I was pretty on-point with
my previous prediction that it'd become a modern favorite. My only real issues, save for bullshit like the Dybbuk story I detailed above (from the run before this one), have mostly to do with the very bad pathing (huge issue for trap-setting Rangers and fire-wielding Mages in particular) and sometimes-retarded enemy AI. My Spider Kitten kept trying to web the mama spider at the end of the Caves, despite it being completely immune to webbing, to the point where it only ended up attacking once or twice (in a nine-round fight) when the mama spider spawned some kittens. I doubt that kind of stuff is intentional, but I can't believe it was completely ignored over 12 years of development, so... maybe it's an attempt at artificial difficulty? Dunno.
Oh, I guess visibility could use some work too. Fire is a pain in the ass to see past its first stage, mostly due to the very desaturated colors, and I've lost track of several enemies just due to there being some wall or tree or obstacle in the way of their tiny hitbox. Programming in a rotatable camera could do the game wonders... but I know how much work that can be, so I won't ask for it. I'll just learn to live with the pain.
Pls no spoilers. I only just beat all of Act I. Act II is next (after I fight Guillotina and grind Tink some more), and I only just finished the first side quest. I'm not looking anything up, I'm trying my best to avoid this thread (and evidently failing, but still not clicking on any spoiler tags so it's totally okay), and I'm mostly just wasting my weekend pouring way too many hours into this game. I think i've thrown in like 15 hours within the last two days or something. I'm only lucky I haven't got much work holding me back, otherwise this game would have probably ruined my life for a month or two.
And it probably will once I actually need to be responsible again.
Game good. Previous party good-er. Can't wait to see what comes next-- my profile says it's only 7% complete, and that scares me. How much more is there left?? I have like four other cool games to play in the next two months, how am I going to be able to do anything if Mewgenics just keeps being excellent?
Ah, whatever. I'll probably have its soundtrack stuck in my head while playing those games anyways. No matter how many times I listen to something else. Or otherwise try to erase the sound of tasty thighs from my mind.