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Would the Medallion of Fail do that too?
Interests OFF TOPIC: OPL - The D&D PC - Group project: Let's make stats for Chris if he had to play himself.
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disadvantage doesn't stack but it ensures they remain in place should he run out of axe or shoves the medallion up his butt
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Potion of Gaseous Form? Smear it on yourself to turn into gas for an hour?
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Im impressed Chris is even level 1.
Keep in mind, level 1 adventurers can do things an entire village of npcs can't handle. Like getting rid of a rat infestation or taking care of a few goblins. There's a reason why the cliche of level 1 quests are so common and high paying.
Also remember, stats of 10 are the average stats for a character; no gains and no losses to dice rolls. The jokes that Chris has the intelligence of 1 means that he has no consciousness whatsoever.
I hope this will help kiwis delve into determining Chris' character sheet. It still boggles me that Chris just discovered DnD
Edit: made an oopsie
Keep in mind, level 1 adventurers can do things an entire village of npcs can't handle. Like getting rid of a rat infestation or taking care of a few goblins. There's a reason why the cliche of level 1 quests are so common and high paying.
Also remember, stats of 10 are the average stats for a character; no gains and no losses to dice rolls. The jokes that Chris has the intelligence of 1 means that he has no consciousness whatsoever.
I hope this will help kiwis delve into determining Chris' character sheet. It still boggles me that Chris just discovered DnD
Edit: made an oopsie
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- Joined
- Aug 31, 2017
I guess if I had to make suggestions to base stats...
Strength: 5/6 (maybe 4).
Chris' muscles have severely atrophied over the years, and middle age hasn't done him any favors whatsoever. Classic Chris couldnt even punch holes in cardboard, and struggled with a single pullup. Maybe lost rests and a cleric can mitigate muscle degeneration, but I haven't seen this in DnD.
Intelligence: 6/7 (maybe 8-10 depending on the realm he ends up in)
Chris has demonstrated enough intelligence to pass high school and a few semester of college. Remember, social intelligence and EQ have absolutely nothing to do with the intelligence stat. Chris has shown to be adequate in absorbing information that pertains to his immediate survival.
I do add the caveat that Chris has absorbed decades of cartoon/high fantasy media through televison and the internet. This potentially could be his best attribute, already equipping him with a general understanding of how fantasy worlds work.
Wisdom: 10
Chris is so socially inept, it exceeds the norm for ineptitude. Chris is exceedingly naive, abrasive towards loved ones, and can't hold relationships for the life of him. However, his cynicism and jaded outlook counters these shortcomings and gives him an average wisdom imo.
Constitution: 15
Honestly he's been poisoning himself for years with junk food and surrounding himself with the horde. His parents have shown to live till absurd old age. Chris literally carved an open wound into his crotch area, and didnt die of septic shock. If I wasnt being so conservative with my stats for him, Chris could easily have a constitution stat of 20.
This also means he'll have a high ass health pool.
Dexterity: 5
Chris is clumsy, untrained, uncoordinated, never played sports, definitely cant dodge or throw weapons. Enough said.
Charisma: 4
Charisma is defined as your strength of personality, not necessarily charm. Charisma is the question of how much your presence takes up a room.
Chris is meek, an incel and a loveshy who cant get a girlfriend. Chris can't speak up for the life of him, and resorts to delving deep into his own mental mindscape to cope, the complete opposite of what a charismatic character would do.
Feel free to reply if you object or have questions
Strength: 5/6 (maybe 4).
Chris' muscles have severely atrophied over the years, and middle age hasn't done him any favors whatsoever. Classic Chris couldnt even punch holes in cardboard, and struggled with a single pullup. Maybe lost rests and a cleric can mitigate muscle degeneration, but I haven't seen this in DnD.
Intelligence: 6/7 (maybe 8-10 depending on the realm he ends up in)
Chris has demonstrated enough intelligence to pass high school and a few semester of college. Remember, social intelligence and EQ have absolutely nothing to do with the intelligence stat. Chris has shown to be adequate in absorbing information that pertains to his immediate survival.
I do add the caveat that Chris has absorbed decades of cartoon/high fantasy media through televison and the internet. This potentially could be his best attribute, already equipping him with a general understanding of how fantasy worlds work.
Wisdom: 10
Chris is so socially inept, it exceeds the norm for ineptitude. Chris is exceedingly naive, abrasive towards loved ones, and can't hold relationships for the life of him. However, his cynicism and jaded outlook counters these shortcomings and gives him an average wisdom imo.
Constitution: 15
Honestly he's been poisoning himself for years with junk food and surrounding himself with the horde. His parents have shown to live till absurd old age. Chris literally carved an open wound into his crotch area, and didnt die of septic shock. If I wasnt being so conservative with my stats for him, Chris could easily have a constitution stat of 20.
This also means he'll have a high ass health pool.
Dexterity: 5
Chris is clumsy, untrained, uncoordinated, never played sports, definitely cant dodge or throw weapons. Enough said.
Charisma: 4
Charisma is defined as your strength of personality, not necessarily charm. Charisma is the question of how much your presence takes up a room.
Chris is meek, an incel and a loveshy who cant get a girlfriend. Chris can't speak up for the life of him, and resorts to delving deep into his own mental mindscape to cope, the complete opposite of what a charismatic character would do.
Feel free to reply if you object or have questions
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I kind of figured reading the OP, but given how this thread started I figured it'd be better stated again, clearly, to try and keep the spergin' down.
Making this for the non tabletop nerdos to have some understanding of what these numbers are.
Aiight so, a legit playable character. Despite just "assigning" stats, IMO, we should at least honor some of the point buy mechanics, otherwise we might end up with a suck character you wouldn't play, or something that's getting close to the shitting on Chris again thing.
A Typical 5e D&D character generally has 27 points to work with, and start all stats at 8. You spend points at character creation to increase those stats. This is the "point buy" thing I was asking about. In 5e before racial modifiers (we'll worry about that later) you can't go above a 15. Here's the point costs for stats.
So, in being extremely clear for the non nerd dorks in this thread, we start with 27 points. We don't raise Chris' STR so we still have 27 points. If we raise say, his DEX to a 12 for some reason, we've spent four points, and have 23 left for the remaining stats.
OP doesn't want us to do point buy but to just assign stats, so, I propose we treat this as "guidelines", if we go over a lil' bit, neat, if we go under (most likely), neat, but we should try to get as close to using 27 points to make a "game viable" Chris character. Just my dumb opinion, but with those kinda guidelines I think this'll go better. We can still capture what Chris is about while making some of his stats higher than Chris' would probably score on many of these in order to make a kinda balanced version of him that'd show up in Greyhawk after riding a cursed carnival roller coaster or whatever.
Aiight so, a legit playable character. Despite just "assigning" stats, IMO, we should at least honor some of the point buy mechanics, otherwise we might end up with a suck character you wouldn't play, or something that's getting close to the shitting on Chris again thing.
A Typical 5e D&D character generally has 27 points to work with, and start all stats at 8. You spend points at character creation to increase those stats. This is the "point buy" thing I was asking about. In 5e before racial modifiers (we'll worry about that later) you can't go above a 15. Here's the point costs for stats.
So, in being extremely clear for the non nerd dorks in this thread, we start with 27 points. We don't raise Chris' STR so we still have 27 points. If we raise say, his DEX to a 12 for some reason, we've spent four points, and have 23 left for the remaining stats.
OP doesn't want us to do point buy but to just assign stats, so, I propose we treat this as "guidelines", if we go over a lil' bit, neat, if we go under (most likely), neat, but we should try to get as close to using 27 points to make a "game viable" Chris character. Just my dumb opinion, but with those kinda guidelines I think this'll go better. We can still capture what Chris is about while making some of his stats higher than Chris' would probably score on many of these in order to make a kinda balanced version of him that'd show up in Greyhawk after riding a cursed carnival roller coaster or whatever.
I went to find some normietalk examples of what a D&D stat number means in real world terms for those unfamiliar with their meaning. I found this website which more or less I think does a good job of putting some of these numbers in real world terms for people. Copy-pasting the segment for those to review when making their considerations, long fucking section is long though, why it gets its own spoiler.
- Strength
- 1 (–5): Morbidly weak, has significant trouble lifting own limbs
- 2-3 (–4): Needs help to stand, can be knocked over by strong breezes
- 4-5 (–3): Knocked off balance by swinging something dense
- 6-7 (–2): Difficulty pushing an object of their weight
- 8-9 (–1): Has trouble even lifting heavy objects
- 10-11 (0): Can literally pull their own weight
- 12-13 (1): Carries heavy objects for short distances
- 14-15 (2): Visibly toned, throws small objects for long distances
- 16-17 (3): Carries heavy objects with one arm
- 18-19 (4): Can break objects like wood with bare hands
- 20-21 (5): Able to out-wrestle a work animal or catch a falling person
- 22-23 (6): Can pull very heavy objects at appreciable speeds
- 24-25 (7): Pinnacle of brawn, able to out-lift several people
- Dexterity
- 1 (–5): Barely mobile, probably significantly paralyzed
- 2-3 (–4): Incapable of moving without noticeable effort or pain
- 4-5 (–3): Visible paralysis or physical difficulty
- 6-7 (–2): Significant klutz or very slow to react
- 8-9 (–1): Somewhat slow, occasionally trips over own feet
- 10-11 (0): Capable of usually catching a small tossed object
- 12-13 (1): Able to often hit large targets
- 14-15 (2): Can catch or dodge a medium-speed surprise projectile
- 16-17 (3): Able to often hit small targets
- 18-19 (4): Light on feet, able to often hit small moving targets
- 20-21 (5): Graceful, able to flow from one action into another easily
- 22-23 (6): Very graceful, capable of dodging a number of thrown objects
- 24-25 (7): Moves like water, reacting to all situations with almost no effort
- Constitution
- 1 (–5): Minimal immune system, body reacts violently to anything foreign
- 2-3 (–4): Frail, suffers frequent broken bones
- 4-5 (–3): Bruises very easily, knocked out by a light punch
- 6-7 (–2): Unusually prone to disease and infection
- 8-9 (–1): Easily winded, incapable of a full day’s hard labor
- 10-11 (0): Occasionally contracts mild sicknesses
- 12-13 (1): Can take a few hits before being knocked unconscious
- 14-15 (2): Able to labor for twelve hours most days
- 16-17 (3): Easily shrugs off most illnesses
- 18-19 (4): Able to stay awake for days on end
- 20-21 (5): Very difficult to wear down, almost never feels fatigue
- 22-23 (6): Never gets sick, even to the most virulent diseases
- 24-25 (7): Tireless paragon of physical endurance
- Intelligence
- 1 (–5): Animalistic, no longer capable of logic or reason
- 2-3 (–4): Barely able to function, very limited speech and knowledge
- 4-5 (–3): Often resorts to charades to express thoughts
- 6-7 (–2): Often misuses and mispronounces words
- 8-9 (–1): Has trouble following trains of thought, forgets most unimportant things
- 10-11 (0): Knows what they need to know to get by
- 12-13 (1): Knows a bit more than is necessary, fairly logical
- 14-15 (2): Able to do math or solve logic puzzles mentally with reasonable accuracy
- 16-17 (3): Fairly intelligent, able to understand new tasks quickly
- 18-19 (4): Very intelligent, may invent new processes or uses for knowledge
- 20-21 (5): Highly knowledgeable, probably the smartest person many people know
- 22-23 (6): Able to make Holmesian leaps of logic
- 24-25 (7): Famous as a sage and genius
- Wisdom
- 1 (–5): Seemingly incapable of thought, barely aware
- 2-3 (–4): Rarely notices important or prominent items, people, or occurrences
- 4-5 (–3): Seemingly incapable of forethought
- 6-7 (–2): Often fails to exert common sense
- 8-9 (–1): Forgets or opts not to consider options before taking action
- 10-11 (0): Makes reasoned decisions most of the time
- 12-13 (1): Able to tell when a person is upset
- 14-15 (2): Can get hunches about a situation that doesn’t feel right
- 16-17 (3): Reads people and situations fairly well
- 18-19 (4): Often used as a source of wisdom or decider of actions
- 20-21 (5): Reads people and situations very well, almost unconsciously
- 22-23 (6): Can tell minute differences among many situations
- 24-25 (7): Nearly prescient, able to reason far beyond logic
- Charisma
- 1 (–5): Barely conscious, incredibly tactless and non-empathetic
- 2-3 (–4): Minimal independent thought, relies heavily on others to think instead
- 4-5 (–3): Has trouble thinking of others as people
- 6-7 (–2): Terribly reticent, uninteresting, or rude
- 8-9 (–1): Something of a bore or makes people mildly uncomfortable
- 10-11 (0): Capable of polite conversation
- 12-13 (1): Mildly interesting, knows what to say to the right people
- 14-15 (2): Interesting, knows what to say to most people
- 16-17 (3): Popular, receives greetings and conversations on the street
- 18-19 (4): Immediately likeable by many people, subject of favorable talk
- 20-21 (5): Life of the party, able to keep people entertained for hours
- 22-23 (6): Immediately likeable by almost everybody
- 24-25 (7): Renowned for wit, personality, and/or looks
So, back to STR. Chris, the strongman, can lift a grand number of pounds, which equates to, what was it, a chair and a single tupperware box of crap? He can also break a Playstation 2 (3?) camera with some rage, or to curl a couple of six packs of soda? 8's probably "accurate," but if we go by DA STOWNGMAN videos he's probably like, a 12. Any other opinions?
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- Joined
- Aug 31, 2017
Yes. I legitimately dont see current Chris outcompeting an average npc in any strength based activity.
Ffs man can't even do half the feats you mentioned without going out of breath
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These are very on point, but I would give him more charisma. He manages to get dumber people's money and attention by existing.
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- Aug 31, 2017
To make it fairer to the poor sap who actually uses Chris as a character, Id give Chris an extra point or two in charisma. I'll admit when facing autists of equal and lesser caliber, Chris does hold his own.
@AStupidMonkey also made the astute observation that despite Chris' ineptitude, his existence has garnered a niche audience fascinated by his every move. This prove his Charisma stat could potentially be much higher.
This creates quite a conundrum Id love to explore with the participants of this thread.
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For alignment, I'd say chaotic evil. There's definetly an element of chaos in chris's alignment irl and his actions of self interest and sin would fit an evil alignment and become a dretch demon in his next life, according to pathfinder
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10 is average. 8 is a -1 modifier.
As for STR, I'm just going to call it.
Moving on to DEX.
People often think of DEX as just hand/eye coordination or fine motor skills and dodging. However, as D&D is abstract, DEX also encompasses reaction speed in general.
Chris isn't graceful, for sure, but we haven't seen anything that makes him out to be exceptionally uncoordinated, either. He can dance, run, and do high kicks without falling down, and he can navigate crowds and stairs in unfamiliar locations without falling over or bumping into others any more than anyone else.
As for his shitty dancing, we have to again compare his ability to his life experience. Chris is bad at dancing because he doesn't have much experience with it. He can dance as well as a child under 6, so he's fine.
Nothing physically actually moves him away from average.
Chris is also able to react to things in a reasonable amount of time. Things like hitting Michael Snyder or crashing his car are due to distractions and would negatively impact him in other areas. Take when he dropped his medallion at The End Games. He knew right away he needed to do something to recover all of his pieces. When Sorbet or another cat interrupts him during a video, he always notices the cat right away. He even managed to hide his duck when Bob entered the kitchen.
My suggestion is that Chis has a DEX of 10.
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Chris is true neutral. He really just exists for his self gratification, morals be damned
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When I made my Chris character initially I had him at True Neutral but I ended up changing him to Chaotic Neutral. I could see the argument being made either way. It also kinda depends on what saga of Chris you’re basing it on.
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Christian's greatest dex feats are unimpressive even if you take into consideration the amazing things normal people can do with enough motivation and adrenaline.
I argue that dex is much more than just reaction speed. Otherwise, even Barbarians could potentially have really high dexterity given enough experience and levels. After all, dex affects skill checks like stealth and acrobatics, and I dont see Chris realistically achieving any of those feats without a negative.
7 is generous for Chris
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- Nov 10, 2016
Chris fails skill checks due to his clothing and lack of planning and preparation, not because of anything intrinsically deficient about him. Same for his "unimpressive" feats of dexterity. As you acknowledged, Chris is never given motivation and refuses to put himself in situations in which he would experience an adrenaline dump.
Think of it this way. With the amount of crap that he insists in carrying around with him all the time, Chris is as encumbered as someone wearing heavy armor. The amount of junk he packs around and his lack of planning is why he would fail at anything dexterous.
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- Aug 31, 2017
What era of Chris are we talking about? The most I've seen Chris drag around nowadays is a fannypack donning a mishmash of colors resembling a dress.
Supposedly all adventurers in AL carry equipment around 50 pounds (give or take), and don't suffer from any dex deficiency. Even the thieves can sneak around unencumbered with a lot of shit on him.
I disagree on you with regards to chris' lack of adrenaline. We seen moments of excitment when chris drove down Snyder and when he pepper sprayed that manager. Even during these moments, Chris hasnt shown any indication of good reaction speed or adroitness. Your assumptions are very generous.
8 for dex then. I still say
7 because he's pretty much in his 40s now and barely hanging in there
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Edit: Strength is a 6, 7 at best.
I would say 10 for Dex, I'm guessing Chris can at least catch something tossed at them.
Con however, we're talking around 6 given the crappy diet and fact Chris gets sick a lot.
Intelligence: 7, given the word salads that get nowhere and the fact Chris rear ended someone trying to remember what to do for the day.
Wisdom: 6, common sense eludes Chris.
Charisma: 4. While Chris has had their 15 minutes of fame and still has us talking, look at how Null, The Captain, and other people were treated.
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- Sep 15, 2017
On the reverse end of the spectrum for constitution, Chris has endured quite a number of maladies. self inflicted taint wounds, a severely unhealthy lifestyle, his parents lived into their 80's despite their poor health and living in a hoarded out house without too much damage
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I guess he has a decent poison resistance with all those fantas he's drank over the years. Personally I reckon he has to pull off a 50/50 style roll as to wheter he curls up into a ball like he did at too many games when he enters combat.
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- Jun 25, 2013
I read the title as "Let's make stats for Chris if he had to play WITH himself." I suppose if you drank your own cum on camera for some time you'd get used to some awful shit.