Men talk about women being "brainwashed" by feminists, not realizing that the "feminists" they froth at are often just... our mothers and grandmothers and aunts and sisters and cousins telling it like it is. Quite a lot of the older women I speak to don't call themselves feminist, and yet they have a whole bunch of experience that has taught them not to leave your fate in the hands of a man.
My mother would die before calling herself a feminist. She married a very good man (my dad, I mean) over 60 years ago. And though they dated seriously starting in high school, she did not feel devasted when they once had a breakup: her perspective was - fuck him (NOT her words, lol, never) if he wants to take out [some other girl]). He had to court/ win her back after that. Which, to his credit and their lasting happiness, he did.
But despite finding a good one early, she is not dumb and is absolutely no-nonsense about trivial men, addicted men, negligent men, child-men, going-nowhere men, etc. And she'd absolutely say (and has said) you don't need 'em, and get a prenup. And that's from within a framework she ascribes to that (soft, not fundie-style) believes that men should head the household. (Lol, my dad might disagree that she cedes anything...).
That said: My mother is the classic behind-the-scenes influencer/ powerful force - though she'd deny it; to her she just uses common sense. And they both agree that both of their views matter and count - must be considered.
It works bc a) my dad is a good and responsible man with the good of the family foremost in mind, b) he factors in her opinion even on things they've agreed are his areas of decisionmaking - heavily - and would never act in spite or out of some male superiority retardation, and c) she went out and earned her own "pin money" (more than that, but she turned down opportunities for "career" jobs) when kids were old enough and when she wanted some independence for certain things for her personal interests or priorities (and things to benefit her children and grandchildren).
Absolutely CRAZY (I'm being tongue-in-cheek) that there has never been "men do" "women do" friction or resentment or sex-based finger-pointing in their marriage. Disagreements at times, of course, but not category-based friction. Because that shit doesn't matter. And because neither of them walks around with a chip on their shoulder about macro concepts. And here they are 60 years later. They deal with one another as full human people.
If my parents were present-day young people, the way things would sort day-to-day would be different, because financial and domestic survival requires different things now than it did 60 years ago. But they would both still have to be good and responsible; they would both still have to have a strong voice in their joint path and choices; and they would both still have to be EVENLY devoted to the family, household, and marriage - whatever roles in those each played. Because long successful relationships require that both people not act like tiny dictators. The minute one person arrogates
to themselves the "right" to make the rules or decide autonomously for everyone, the whole enterprise is corrupted - and walking into relationships with that view ensures death. I'm talking to you, "based" "trad" guys and guys who doom & gloom their way past opportunity bc they can't let go of wrongheaded ideas about "a woman's place...."
If my dad had believed that he could - or wanted to - act like a despot just because he earned the money or bc he devalued what my mom did in the family/ home, or if he had refused to "allow" her to go out and earn in the way that she wanted, I don't know what she'd have done, but she'd have been perfectly correct to leave him. And at the same time, if she'd abused her role similarly, he'd have had every moral right to do the same.
None of this shit works if you don't respect one another as people. The current vogue of adopting or endorsing some
retarded unnuanced and one-dimensional idea of retro ("trad") roles, and asserting misunderstood or self-benefiting ideas about "biological imperatives" while dismissing both individual whole-personhood and individual differences and strengths among
people, is callow and superficial, and it is leading to retarded perspectives and choices that will inevitably result in unhappiness and loneliness.