Why are men so angry at their partners?
Men have been socialized to expect an impossible outcome.
ZAWN VILLINES
MAY 07, 2024
∙ PAID
Heterosexual men—if we believe what they say online, in their blogs, in their emails to me, across podcasts, and to their partners—really do not like women.
And they especially don’t like the women they’ve promised to spend their lives with.
We’ve seen this for generations. At first, it was the “gentle,” “funny” comedy about old battle axes and controlling, nagging wives. The “loving” implication that women are annoying and stupid, but hey, we can’t beat or murder them (usually).
But that’s all gone. Now men are completely unapologetic about their hatred of women. We see it in the aggressive “protector and provider” podcasters who corner women on the street to interrogate them and who mock all but the most submissive women on the air (and who then deride those women, too, for not having jobs or money). We see it in the self-identified nice guys who contact me to threaten me, or who pretend that they’re just so nice that they can’t see their partners needs.
We see it in the men going their own way who never actually go their own way, and who instead spend all their time yelling at women about how we need to want men more. Then there are the divorced men who want us to believe marriage is bad for men, but who spend all their time raging against divorce.
The most confusing of all, though, have to be the incels. Who simultaneously hate women and want to have sex with them. But no, not that woman, not you, not that way. None of us are good enough for their smelly asses, and so they devote themselves full-time to reminding us of how much they hate us, and also how wrong we are for not wanting to have sex with them.
Men of all varieties openly hate women, and partnered men are no exception. Just last week, I got an email from one such misogynist lunatic, who tried to convince me that he’s not a misogynist by devoting the entire email to speaking hatefully about his wife.
What is going on here? How is it that men choose to live with people they seem to hate, and then can’t seem to understand why those same people don’t want to have sex with them, and why these women eventually leave them?
The reason your partner is so chronically angry has nothing to do with depression, neurodivergence, poor communication, or anything you have done.
I talk a lot about how women are socialized to ignore their own intuition, to accept and even romanticize abusive behavior, and to settle for men who simply aren’t good enough for them. Most men are little more than walking, talking red flags, but the initial rush of romance makes this hard to see.
Men, too, get harmful socialization in the opposite direction. Here’s what we teach men about women and relationships:
Women are primarily good for sex. They’re not independent human beings who offer value beyond companionship, sex, and service.
Men should try to get as much sex out of women as possible. The definition of “sex” is whatever pleases the man. Her pleasure is optional—and potentially emasculating.
Women’s emotions, needs, and communication are all inherently irrational.
Anything men think or do is, by definition, rational.
Men do not have to make any effort to control their emotions.
Marriage is not to men’s benefit, and is a gift men give to women.
In return for this gift, women owe men extensive service, including eliminating virtually all chores, raising the man’s children, and never complaining about either.
Because relationships with women are a gift to women, men are entitled to not be accountable to women. It’s other men’s judgments that really matter.
These messages might seem empowering to men, giving men all the authority in relationships. Ultimately, though, they set men up for miserable, unhappy relationships, and deprive them of the skills they need to grow and change.
Men enter into relationships expecting to get all or most of the above. Some “feminist” men might have slightly lower expectations—or might expect that, on top of all of this, she must work outside of the home (as almost all women do anyway).
And then their woman-appliance begins to talk back. She wants him to do his fair share. But he’s been taught that his fair share is to work a job, then come home and not beat her. At first, he might agree to do a bit more. He’ll wash the dishes and pack the lunches, maybe.
And now he feels like he’s doing extra. He’s doing more than his dad did, more than he thinks other dads do, and certainly more than he expected he would have to do. After all, her job is everything else, and he’s having to do some of the everything else! So really, he’s doing more than his fair share!
Naturally, this prince of a man who does one or two chores wants sex. Then she tells him no! She wants him to focus on her pleasure, too. Oh, and btw, she’s also sexually rejecting him most of the time because she’s exhausted and claims he’s still not doing his fair share.
From his perspective, his woman-appliance is clearly malfunctioning. It’s probably her hormones. After all, she’s supposed to want sex on command, on his terms, with no additional requests. That’s what he was promised.
So he goes to therapy and talks about how his needs aren’t being met. And often, because the therapist has been indoctrinated into the cult of patriarchy, too, she’ll agree with him.
His wife knows something is missing, knows marriage is sucking for her, but also knows she’s supposed to do what he wants. Maybe she’s the entitled one. Maybe she’s expecting too much. So she’ll keep trying more and different, but it still won’t be enough to make him treat her any better. Because, of course, he was indoctrinated to see her as a useful appliance, and no woman is going to perfectly live up to this promise.
They both end up unhappy, because patriarchy is a losing deal for both of them.
But he is angry.
He didn’t get what he was promised. And it’s her fault. She’s defective. So now he’s going to show her how angry he is. Because in a patriarchy, men learn only to care about their own feelings—and to let those feelings influence everything they say and do.
His anger plays on her fear—the fear patriarchy has taught her is very valid, very much based in the reality of men’s ongoing potential and actual violence.
The anger keeps her trapped, for fear of what he might do to her. The anger is what lurks in the background of every patriarchal relationship.
And it’s all because men have been told they are entitled to something that’s literally impossible to have: a woman who can’t be a human.