Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.
Is your stalker the fat bloke or the skinny old bloke ?
 
She's either lying or being scammed. :/ I hope she hasn't sent this person any money.

Sadly, we suspect that she has. We've diplomatically tried to tell her to hold onto her money and suggested that she should check with somebody before any more Army officers ask her for a loan.
 
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To those of you who don't know, this is my cyberstalker, Emi-San, next to GARY FUCKING SINISE.

I take it reporting her dumbass to Facebook did nothing? I mean, other than getting her accounts closed down.

In a way, I feel kind of bad for her. She literally has nothing better to do than to harass you and make multiple accounts to do so. On the other hand, she's a creepy Sasquatch.
 
Ze Red Medic and littlebiscuits need to grab coffee together.
 
Ze Red Medic and littlebiscuits need to grab coffee together.

And then we burn down the place with the coffeemaker. I like it.

And now, my next story. Bear with me, I'm pretty exhausted from work, but I'll do my best to be coherent.

So in college, I lived in a co-ed dormitory, with men living in one wing and women in the other, separated by a single door that ended up getting locked from the girls' side before the end of the year (that's actually another story involving another guy that I'll share another time.) I got along well with most of the floor, and one of the girls (her name was Rachel), whom was also a graphic design major. She and a couple of other girls always hung out with us when we did our Super Smash Bros. tournaments. But I digress.

Anyway, I'm coming back from an evening class, and as I'm getting settled in, Rachel comes to my room, super nervous, and asks me if I could go with her and Amy to a city some 100+ miles away for whatever it was Amy needed to go there for, stating it was 'an emergency'.

Now the thing about Amy. She was a big girl, and actually could be considered fairly pretty. But by god, she was annoying. She couldn't really carry a tune to save her life, it sounded like someone punching Yoko Ono in the Fallopian tube. She also had this nasty side where she would bully other girls on that floor, and was ordered to stop by the RA. Before my story, though, nothing was ever done about her.

I'd initially disagreed to go, as I had an 8 o'clock class the next morning, but Rachel was visibly nervous about the whole thing. And who could blame her, she didn't fancy the idea of going so far away for reasons unknown to her. In the end, I caved and went, and to this day I'm so fucking glad I did, too.

Amy was thrilled that I was going along. So we pile into her car, and the entire way there, she's got country music blaring so loud, we couldn't even hold a decent conversation. Plus add to the fact that she can't sing... yeah. That car ride was hell.

We get to this town she wanted to go to so badly, and she finally turns the radio off as we're crossing the bridge to go into downtown. Up until now she refused to tell us where we were going, so we just kind of looked at her, waiting for an explanation.

She pulls into this inn on the riverfront. "We're here!"

"... What."

I just stared at her. Rachel is in the backseat, muttered something along the lines of "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

The inn housed a bar that hosted karaoke events every Wednesday. This was the 'emergency' that she needed to tend to.

Well, it was balls cold outside (this was in the middle of winter, I might add) so in we went. Amy goes in first, flirting with men that were easily the same age as my father, and she steps up to the stage and gets her karaoke crap set up.

Rachel and I ended up playing some billiards to pass the time, and every so often we'd hear Amy's screech in the background as we played. Rachel was playing a fairly good game that night, and would've kicked my ass too, when Amy comes over to me, pulling on my arm and trying to drag me to the stage. We argued as best we could over the music, and finally she stalks off in a huff, and I turn to find Rachel missing.

Thankfully I didn't have to go far to find her. One of the older guys had basically cornered her in this indoor pool area, trying to... yeah. I yelled at the asshole, grabbed Rachel by the wrist, and brought her back to the bar with me, where we found Amy guzzling some drink (I couldn't tell you what it was exactly, but I could smell the alcohol on her breath, and almost hurled right then and there) and I told her we were leaving NOW.

"Oh, yeah, it's getting late, isn't it?" She said this with a fucking giggle, looking at Rachel and myself, while Rachel was barely standing, physically shaking behind me.

So we grab our stuff and get back to Amy's car, and immediately we have an argument over who was going to drive. Amy kept blubbering that she was sober enough to drive. Rachel, well, she was in no fit state to try. Me, I was mad as hell, and I finally just grabbed the keys from her and told her either she was coming with us, or we were leaving. And if she called the police, she'd have to explain to them why she planned to drive back to college 100 miles away while inebriated.

That entire ride home, Amy's in the seat bawwing about how she wished we could stay a bit longer, and how I was being mean to her. I ignored this until we got to the edge of the college town, when she said, "You know, you shouldn't have come after all, you ruined everything!"

I slammed on the brakes, turned to her and said, "Listen you fat sack of shit. You dragged us all the way to a fucking BAR, just so you can screech like a dying ferret because you so love your goddamned karaoke, and while you were busy flirting with grandpas and the like, Rachel was cornered by an old drunk fuck. So you want to talk about a ruined night? Why don't we start with you!"

It was dead quiet in the car after that. We got back to the dorms, I tossed the keys back at Amy and escorted Rachel to her room, and after making sure she was okay, I went back to mine and just collapsed on the bed.

This story doesn't quite end here, though, as the following Wednesday I'm downstairs with another floor mate who worked the front desk, and we were chatting and having a good time, when he gets a call about a noise complaint on our floor. So out of morbid curiosity (plus it was getting late for me anyway) I go up there with a couple of the security guys to find Amy, sobbing outside of Rachel's door, pounding on it with her hammy fists, screaming that she needed Rachel to come with her back to that horrid bar. I just walked back to my room at that point, before I let my temper get the better of me.

And the thing is, Rachel wasn't even there when this all happened, she'd gone to study with a friend in another dorm, so she did have a few pointed questions after she found her dry erase board on her door basically dented and broken. In the end, Rachel ended up reporting the harassment, and Amy was not only fined for the noise that she was making, but she was ordered to leave Rachel alone, or be removed from the building.
 
Today, I left work feeling inspired and super excited, because I finally had a chance to write my first lolcow submission! :) I want to tell you about a website called Finnbay.com, and how a few subtly misworded articles have caused a small country to collectively shit itself.

WARNING: Political dumbfuckery ahead.

Dominique, a Canadian lady living in Finland and the owner of an excellent blog called Learning about Finland, used to write for Finnbay.com. A shining beacon in this media shitstorm, she has gracefully published a lot of insider information and details of her dealings with Finnbay, and just what the heck is going on behind the website. I don't know you, Dominique, but I love you and want to have your babies. :heart-full::heart-full::heart-full:

Her blog posts are much more insightful than my rambling will ever be, so I'll link them here first in the order they were published.

#Finnbgate - The English Version
Back to Basics: Let's Talk Finnbay (Again)
Legal Action from Finnbay To Yours Truly
More E-mails from Onur
"The Mysterious Man"
Paperwork
Another Open Letter by Finnbay

(Bonus: Another foreigner living in Finland weighs in.)

From what I can gather, Finnbay started off as a group blog / news portal aimed to help expatriates currently residing in Finland. It was started by a guy called Onur Yalcintas, who gathered a small band of bloggers and hooked them up with WordPress writer accounts. At first they were a free website that accepted donations, but today they allow you to read only one article before you hit their 4.99€ / month paywall. (NoScript, AdBlock and ScriptSafe get around this.)

As of late, Finnbay has been publishing some really strange articles about Finland's relations with Russia. They went mostly unnoticed at first - I hadn't even heard of the site until yesterday - until NBC quoted them as a source. The quoted article and the follow-up paint a very strange image, and the interview with the Defence Forces' Communications Manager is constructed in a way that makes it look like the whole country is terrified of Russia. The Communications Manager has since corrected this in another interview with YLE. (Finnish only, sorry)

The actual shitstorm began when Finnbay published another article, claiming that "Finland would continue to cooperate with Russia at all levels no matter what the European Union or the U.S. says." The Ambassador of Finland to the Russian Federation deemed the site fake in his Twitter, which pissed off the anonymous writer so much that he wrote not one, not two, but THREE public letters about it.

Ran out of room! Continued in the next post.

[edit] Here are the Finnbay Letters in picture form.

Letter 1
Letter 2 + email
Letter 3 + email

[edit]

Some choice articles...

Finnish Girls Like It When...
4. (You) Pin them against a wall and rip off their clothes
5. You feed them McNuggets

10 Amazing (not really) Facts About Helsinki -
"Helsinki's island, Santahamina Pihlajasaari, is a favorite destination for many homosexual male tourists"
Santahamina is a restricted military training area.
 
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Letter From FINNBAY Regarding Its Authority

The author begins the letter by calling (some) Finnish journalists mediocre, proudly claiming that "we (Finnbay) produce facts", then threatens the Ambassador to Russia with a lawsuit and and finally dives into a rant about racism.
Dear Subscribers,

FINNBAY has been the most successful media intelligence in our lives. It has been ‘the focal point’ of many readers around the world to get the facts about Finland and matters related to Global Political Economy. So we are surprised when we read reports from mediocre Finnish journalists on fact-checking of our sources and our entity. Here is what we have learned.

We Produce Facts

To start with, we see that our coverage of a news item in relation to Finland-Russia relations is seen as “fictitious” by the Ambassador of Finland to the Russian Federation, Hannu Himanen. Due to Himanen’s weakness, his peers have been impressively quick to support his abuse of FINNBAY over the Internet. Here is what happened:

On 5 April 2014 at 9:45 (Finnish time), FINNBAY published a story exposing insights of what Russian politicians’ (specifically the Russian Cabinet Committee on Foreign and Security Policy’s) views of Finland’s diplomacy related to Russia over the Crimea issue. The FINNBAY story suggests that the Russian Cabinet Committee on Foreign and Security Policy believes that Finland would continue to cooperate with Russia at all levels no matter what the European Union and/or the U.S. [sanctions] say. The source of this part was from the Russian News Agency, Itar-Tass, here: http://en.itar-tass.com/world/726470

The original quote is "Finland will continue to develop cooperation with Russia at different levels despite recommendations it is getting from the European Union." The U.S. is not mentioned at all.

Moreover, the story referenced a statement made by the President of Finland, Sauli Niinistö, who said that Finland would find ways to re-interpret laws to bypass any sanctions to talk directly to Russia. You can find this source from the Finnish government owned media outlet, YLE, here: http://yle.fi/uutiset/niinisto_looks_for_understanding_over_finlands_russia_stance/7155797

The original quote reads: "Niinistö maintains that the EU’s ban on bilateral meetings with Russian leaders leaves room for interpretation." The word "law" is not found anywhere in the article.

Unfortunately, the Finnish Ambassador to Russia, Himanen without checking his own government’s website, said, “Please beware: your link [FINNBAY article link] leads to a fake site. The story is complete nonsense and grossly misrepresents Finland’s position.” Himanen, continued, “As Tweeters, we are always well advised to be critical of our sources. Fake sites and fictitious stories abound”.

Since our story is truthful, we are looking into launching a legal suit against Himanen. At FINNBAY, we do not tolerate abuses from anyone just to hurt someone. We also encourage him to look into FT’s investigation of Live Nation’s deals with the Hartwall Arena if he thinks that Finland will obey the U.S. sanctions against Russian investors.

Some of the reports we read was shocking as they grossly suggested us to be a pro-Russian, pro-Kremlin slant coverage. We are not and here are some of the titles related to Russia:

[fuckton of unrelated links]

Furthermore, we emailed every single Finnish Parliamentary Member couple months ago inviting them to write on FINNBAY. We still welcome any of their contributions on this or anyother topic they like.

We are subscription based, you don’t like it, then you don’t have to come and read it.

Who are We?

We are a group of loyal volunteers. All of us have at least Master’s degree from reputable international universities. We contribute to FINNBAY voluntarily without expecting any payments under many motivations but two main ones are:

1. Have it to serve us as a reference in job applications in Finland or elsewhere.
2. To satisfy our needs to tell the world what we think [in relation to topic selection] is worth reading.

The Economist is our role model. They have been publishing news stories anonymously since the 19th century and we believe that it is the best option for a legitimate journalist. Because, anonymity enables the journalist not to be affected by his private relations with companies, politicians or others.

Source: http://www.economist.com/blogs/economist-explains/2013/09/economist-explains-itself-1

This is what the Economist thinks about Finnbay, by the way.

Who pays for our salaries?

No one. We are not funded or supported in anyway with the Russian government or agencies or anyone else. Let’s make this simpler: No one, no entity (as in anything that exists in the world) funds us in anyway or gives us money to cover our expenses (domain and hosting expenses). The subscriptions keep the lights on.

Since FINNBAY is not making at least 8,000 euros a year, we are not obliged to pay taxes. That is why we are not registered in Finland as corporate.

They are now being investigated by the tax administration. OOPS.

Though, if you know someone who can help us to register and not to lose our unemployment or social benefits, we would like to register FINNBAY in Finland with you. Seriously.

Why are the attacks sourced from the mediocre Finnish journalists?

We understand that our Finnish colleagues may have been disappointed as they may have never got as much coverage and referencing from the international arena as we have had (because they publish in Finnish) but abusing the one you cannot beat is not the right thing to do, especially for a person who fights to inform people.

It is worrying that some of the journalists are from the government owned YLE, Helsingin Sanomat (only twitter abuses) and Iltasanomat who already “reported” “a story about us” without even emailing us to check the facts.

Moreover, we also understand that the Finnish media wants to control what leaks from Finland in order to keep the brand clean, honest and tactful. When the Guardian newspaper, Michael Booth, criticized the Finnish society last January, many from the Finnish media condemned Michel over their social media.

Thus, we are not the first or the last one.

[snip because 1ok letter limit]

We do not “distort” events, at best, we work to realign the truth that is misaligned by the Finnish media.

We will continue what we have been doing each day: Reporting the Facts! Because we have the balls.

Thank you for your support.

FINNBAY Pledges Finnish Ambassador In Russia To Revise His Accusations

Basically a short version of the first letter, with an invitation for the Ambassador to meet with Finnbay interviewers. The only interesting thing is a small mention of Finnbay being labeled as a Russian advocate in the Finnish media. (Tinfoil hats.)

Our 2nd Letter To The Finnish Ambassador, Hannu Himanen, In Russia

A new letter was published today, and its tone is very different. The writer is apparently scared for his life because the "mediocre Finnish journalists" tracked him down and approached him at home for an interview. The Finntrolls also crawled out of their caves and harassed him and his family. Sorry.
 
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Oh, one more thing.

A reliable Finnish news provider saw this and immediately creamed itself, because it thought that Finnbay had been hacked. The site they were viewing was actually Finnbay.fi, that had been registered just a day before.

Everyone involved is fucking retarded. Except Dominique. Still love you.
 

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After watching some Jace/Parkourdude I was reminded of my former roomie I had during part of a semester at college when I tried to live in an on campus apartment.

I had a college roommate that was almost exactly like Jace. Let that sink in.
 
I need to start telling some of my stories, like the one of Woody, Juggalo in Training.

With a name like Woody, yeah. You HAVE to tell us that one.

In the meantime, though, I'll dispense with a twofer.

I'd gotten along with teachers and professors quite well, for the most part throughout my academic career, but there was that odd one in high school, and an even odder one in college, that I had dealt with. And both were batshit in-fucking-sane.

The high school teacher taught Biology, and by god, she was terrible. She was one of those ladies who, well... She had horribly frayed white hair (I think she was trying to keep her original blonde color, but it certainly didn't work) and was shaped like a barrel.

This was the woman who decided it'd be a-okay to put upwards of around 100 goldfish in a 50 gallon fish tank and expected them to live.
Needless to say, fish started dying left and right. And one day, it was about 15 minutes before class, and the smell of dead fish was almost too much. So I was trying to be nice and asked her if she'd like me to take care of that for her. Not only did she proceed to scream in my face but I got a four hour Saturday morning for "being subordinate". Yeah.

This woman also would have us hand in our biology notes every week so as to grade them. I was one of several students that kept getting marked off for 'not having notes' despite having turned them in and on time. It got to the point where we'd scan our notes and give her the copies if she claimed that she didn't have our original notes (yet that didn't matter to her, because she claimed we never turned them in in the first place, so we were marked down for that.)

Towards the end of that school year, she finally left, but when she did, she just left her classroom the way it was. The English teacher and the Agriculture teacher decided to try to tidy it up as best they could, and they found papers and notes dated from almost ten years prior, plus the 'missing' students' notes that she claimed she'd never gotten.

She went off to become a school principal. I feel really bad for whatever district got her, honestly.

And now, college. I mentioned before I was a graphic design/communications major, and got along with most everybody in that particular department, but then there was Jillian. For the record, we were on first name basis with all of the professors. They just didn't like being called professor since they wanted to give the impression of a fairly laid back department.

Anyway, Jillian was a bear of a woman. I'd mark her at around 300 pounds, full sleeve tattoos, total bitchy holier-than-thou attitude. And to sum Jillian up, she was one of those people who'd call themselves social justice warriors and a "true" hardcore feminist, bitching in her classes constantly about how oppressed she was (you thought Anita Sarkeesian was bad?) all the while chastising and insulting most of the men in her classes and making offhand and often terrible comments towards the women about their breasts/hips/butts/assorted body part, whatever.

She'd had several complaints lodged against her, but either the university was unable to find someone to replace her (not likely) or she'd threaten with a counter lawsuit about how they're discriminating against her. And that's the thing about this woman. Any criticism towards her turned into "You're trying to oppress me!" or some bullshit. Plus she always had it out for a few students, one of which was a girl who really did nothing wrong, other than maybe us having a pretend sword fight with plastic candy canes in the drawing room, but whatever it was, she had it in for this particular girl.

One time we had a summer art trip to New York City, where Jillian was originally from. The girl I mentioned had signed up to go with us, and despite having to deal with Jillian, she seemed to have a good time. That is, until our group had split up and she ended up alone with Jillian. We'd all managed to make it back to the hotel, except for those two. Next thing we know, Jillian's coming through the doors by herself.

She had left this girl stranded in the financial district after dark. Not a good place to be when you're by yourself, no matter who you are.

The girl was lucky to have come back unharmed, but then Jillian used this opportunity to then publicly humiliate this girl in our hotel's lobby, right at the entrance, calling her all sorts of horrible names, while she was just standing there shaking and crying. We tried to intervene, only to have Jillian scream at us that if we did, we automatically flunk that summer course.

It wasn't until we got back that all hell broke loose. This girl's mother knew about the bullshit that had happened, and proceeded to embarrass Jillian at the luggage pick up by asking her if she's such a great designer like she claims, then how come she ended up in a college in the Midwest and not in any illustrious positions in her beloved New York? It couldn't be for the love of teaching, she reasoned, because if that were the case, she wouldn't treat certain students like shit.

I never saw someone's face go from normal to puce as fast as it did. It was glorious.

Unfortunately as far as I know, Jillian still works at that university. I don't think anything was ever done about her. But one of my friends who did have a couple of classes with her can attest to how fucking psychotic she is.
 
Our local lolcow just called us up to tell us that her sister had died. But that's okay. Because apparently she called upon the power of an angel and now her sister is fine and no longer dead.
 
Our local lolcow just called us up to tell us that her sister had died. But that's okay. Because apparently she called upon the power of an angel and now her sister is fine and no longer dead.

Am I to take this to mean that she's not actually dead? If so, it's a good thing she had that angel on speed-dial. If not, what the hell is she on about?
 
Yes, her sister is not actually dead anymore. Apparently the angel resurrected her after she had been declared legally dead.

Just for the record, she's also claimed that these angels have punished her enemies in the past.

Is Gail your local lolcow?

Holy shit, I'd never heard of Gail before but the similarities are striking.

Ours is about fifteen years older and Filipino, though.
 
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I've had several personal lolcows throughout my life, mostly kids at school. Being something of a smalltime lolcow myself, I kind of had to scrap for any kind of positive human contact. I'm not gonna' use their real names here substituting their initials Here's the story of probably the most prominent lolcow in my life, from back when I went to Cedartown High School.

The girl, let's call her TA, was short, fat and with hair resembling the feathers on the head of a cockatiel, usually dyed black with red tips, and an excitable, maybe even spastic personality and a tendency to inappropriately touch anyone who would converse with her on a regular basis. Funny enough she was actually kind of popular in our little clique of nerds. She was big into "adult" anime, Inu-Yasha was her favorite, and she had some weird obsession with Devil May Cry and Final Fantasy, to the point where she had a thick ass binder full of printed off Fanfiction.net slash fics featuring characters from the series'. I remember one time I let her use my PSP so she could play Dissidia or something with this other girl, telling her specifically not to go into the pictures (not telling, lol) but she went in anyways and loudly shouted "Oh my god, what is this *irl name*!?", everybody within like a ten foot radius turned around and looked. That's probably when I should have stopped hanging out with her, but I wasn't that smart. I explained everything to her later that day, quietly, and at first it wasn't so bad, I figured everyone would forget about it in a week or so, right? Wrong.

She started calling me "Leonardo", (At least it was an upgrade from my previous nickname bestowed by TA, "Roxas") because apparently Leonardo DaVinci is gay in Devil May Cry. This whole thing sort of just played out until I moved again, to Cartersville. I've seen TA a few times after that, specifically when my sister invited her to a birthday party, but this was a year ago... I have no idea how to end this.

So in short, it was kind of like Megan and CWC only role reversed and with fewer drawings of fingerings... At least to my knowledge.

EDIT: Oh, there was this guy too, BC, he liked to jump around in the hallways and do karate kicks like a power ranger. One time a new kid came to school and beat BC at yugioh, so BC mouthed off and the new kid kicked his ass in front of everyone.

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